I'm really not happy with this chapter, i've wrecked my brains out to find a way to make it better and came up with nothing. so here you have it.
ps: even though i think it's rubbish comments are always appreciated ;)

Chapter 16

Sian pov

I must've fallen asleep at Sophie's door." I thought as I gazed at my watch'9h10pm'. I sighed, I was about to get up, when I heard her unlock the door.

She opened her door and didn't even look at me. She walked right past me towards the bathroom.

"Sophie! Soph wait" I yelled. I followed her quickly. I entered the bathroom and saw her splashing some water in her face. Her face was red and her eyes were puffy from all the crying she'd been doing.

I pulled at her arm, so she would look at me, but she avoided my gaze.

"Soph talk to me… hey" I said trying to find her eyes. She walked away from me.

"Soph, don't push me away." I said pulling her back to me. She didn't look at me, she just stared in space. I was starting to get annoyed.

Silence filled the room. "Great no she's not even looking at me let alone talking to me".

"So what? we're back at square one.… no we're at square zero more like, at least you used to look at me" I said as she finally looked at me. Her eyes were so empty.

She sighed and pushed me away. "Leave me alone Sian" she said quietly.

I was stood there in the bathroom as I watched her leave. I was shaking my head "no, I'm not gonna let her push me away again" I thought as I walked out after her.

Sophie pov

I heard a loud knock on the door. "Sophie" I heard Sian's voice coming from behind the door. She sighed.

I heard her sitting against my door. "I'm here" she said defeated.

I tried to hold back my tears for just a minute and unlocked the door. She jumped up and I hugged her.

"Hey" she murmured. I couldn't hold my tears in any longer and started sobbing again.

"Shhh, it's okay, it's gonna be okay" she said as she led me to the bed.

We sat next to each other as I pulled my arms around her neck and held her so tight. I felt her arms wrapping around my waist. She started rubbing my back me.

"It's my fault, Sian… I …I" I sobbed uncontrollably.

"What is" she asked tenderly as she pulled out of the hug. She was brushing my tears away as I showed her Matty's picture. She furrowed her brows.

"I don't understand Soph, who is this" she asked me stroking my arm.

I took a deep breath. "My son" I replied as I saw her eyes widen.

"What" she said bewildered to what I just told her. I pursed my lips

"He.. He's beautiful" she stuttered. I sobbed harder.

"I can't… I can't breathe it hurts so much" I sobbed.

"Why, what happened?" she asked oblivious to what I was on about.

"He's dead" I stated bluntly. "He's dead and it's all my fault… I should've …I" I started stuttering.

"Fuck Soph I'm so sorry." She soothed, trying to comfort me as I was resting in her arms.

….

Sian pov

Sophie was sobbing in my arms as I gulped in anticipation as what I was about to ask.

"How did he die" I asked slowly.

She looked at me and closed her eyes taking in deep breaths.

"I was fixing the radio, because… I can't even remember it was a stupid little thing. And, and I was trying it out, the music was so loud that I didn't hear his beeper and when I went up to check on him his beeper was firing off. We rushed him to the hospital but it was too late." She rambled as her body was shaking and her eyes were flooded with tears.

"He's beeper?" I asked slowly.

She took a deep breath and tried to control her sobs.

"He was diagnosed with SIDS, when he was 4 months old." She said as she took another deep breath.

"It stands for sudden infant death syndrome; it means that when you put them to sleep they can just stop breathing; so he had a beeper monitoring his heart." She explained.

"Soph there's no way you could've prevented that." I said to her.

"No! There was, you're supposed to pay attention, I should've put the baby monitor in the kitchen, I…." she sobbed.

I looked down at her and cupped her face "Now you listen to me that was not your fault okay. You can't blame yourself for this" I said as she looked up at me and kissed me forcefully.

She pushed my down on the bed and was now attacking my neck, sucking on my pulse point. She put my hands above my head as she was straddling me and started kissing her way down. "Soph" I breathed, I could still feel her sobs. One of her hands left mine as she started tugging at the button of my trousers, but I took hold of her hand and stopped her.

"You don't want to do this, right now" I said calmly putting some hair behind her ear.

She flopped down next to me staring at the ceiling. I didn't want to leave her in this vulnerable state, but I saw noticed our curfew was approaching. "It's almost 11pm" I said quietly.

"Please don't leave me" she whimpered.

"Soph" I sighed.

"Please… I need you" she begged clenching to me. "Fuck it" I thought

"Okay I'll stay" I said laying my head down on the pillow as she snuggled in to me. I held her as tight as I could as she cried herself to sleep.

…

I woke up my mind still groggy as I remembered where I was.

Sophie had her back turned to me and I noticed that my arms were wrapped around her waist. I pulled myself closer and kissed her shoulder.

"I could lie like this forever" I thought inhaling Sophie's scent. I felt her shifting. She turned around and was now looking into my eyes.

"Hi" I said with a hoarse voice as stroked her back.

"Hi" she said, her face was stained with faded tears.

"How are you feeling" I asked tenderly.

"Better" she said quietly. I realized she was actually answering me. This was the first time we've had an actual conversation.

"I'm sorry about last night" she said looking at the bed.

"Why?" I smiled at her.

"I don't usually ambush people like that" she said still looking at the bed.

"I didn't mind" I smiled as I pulled her closer.

"I just have up days and down days" she said as she nestled her head on my chest.

"I'm guessing yesterday was a down one" I said still stroking her back. She nodded against my chest.

"What happened yesterday… I mean what triggered it" I said slowly not wanting to scare her off, I could feel her tensing up.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry" I said to quickly.

"You didn't" she answered quietly. "Yesterday was Matty's birthday…" she said with a sad tone in her voice as I could feel fresh tears damping my shirt.

"was that his name" I asked.

She nodded. "Matthew" she mumbled.

"I'm so sorry Soph" I said pulling her even closer.

She chuckled through her sniffs "I think that's the 4th time you said that to me"

"Sorr… I just don't really know what else to say" I admitted. She nodded against my chest.

"Yeah I know … but I'm not gonna let it ruin another day" she said, wiping her tears.

"Sophie it's okay to be sad about it, it's okay to cry…" I said but I was interrupted.

"I know, trust me I do but it's also okay to be happy" she said still sniffing. "Or so Dr. Wittmore says" she smirked as she got up.

I smiled at her "You know, this is the first time you've actually had a conversation with me". I stated

She smiled sheepishly. "I like it" I continued.

I coughed. "Your voice I mean" I say almost blushing. She's smiling at me as she takes my hand in hers and pulls me up.

"I like your voice too" she joked as I started to blush.

She started looking at the ground. "Listen about last night… thank you…. For everything, including stopping me from…you know" she said sheepishly.

"It's fine" I reassured her. She opened her closet and started taking out some clothes.

"Uhm I kind of need to get out of these clothes" I stated walking over to her. As she turned around I saw her widening her eyes and she started chuckling.

I slapped her arm "not in that way, what I mean is I've slept in these clothes. I need to change" I stated.

"Oh right" she smirked.

"I'll see you at breakfast, you'll be okay till then right" I said and she nodded.

As I wanted to walk out of her room I stopped and turned around taking hold of her neck.

She looked confused. "What's wro…" she started saying but I interrupted her by kissing her lips tenderly. I was about to pull away when she deepened the kiss. I glided my tong inside her mouth, our hands exploring each other's body. I broke the kiss.

"Soph" I breathed as she pulled me in for another kiss, grinding into my body. I smiled against her lips. This time she was the one to break the kiss; her chest was rising and falling so fast.

"I'll see you…" I pecked her lips again before she could finish her sentence. She chuckled at my actions.

We rested our foreheads together for a while.

"You know I'll always be here for you right" I said still holding her waist. She nodded forcefully.

"Go" she said letting go of me. "Go and get changed" she said playfully. I grinned at her as I let go of her waist and quickly walked out of the room.

As I entered my room I was met by a pair of brown eyes. Kathy was following my every move.

"What" I asked annoyed at her staring.

"And where have you been all night" she smirked at me.

"Around…" I said slowly. She raised an eyebrow.

"Really, so you weren't sleeping in a certain brunette's bed" she said sarcastically.

My eyes widened. "What, how did you…" I started saying

"Know" she finished my sentence. "Oh pehleasse, you'd have to be as thick as a thumb nail to not've guessed that." She said loudly. "Plus Gertie came to tell me last night." She added.

My eyes almost popped out of my head "Gertie!" I shouted.

"Yeah she saw you two all cuddled up in her room last night" she said.

"WHAT!" I shouted as I started pacing. "Shit, shit shit, shit, fucking shit" I thought

Kathy sat there smirking at me. "What are you smiling at, I'm in some deep shit here!" I snapped.

"Calm down, it'll be fine, but she did tell me to tell you she wanted to speak to you today" she said calmly.

"How can you be so calm about this, my life as we now it is over" I whined.

"Stop being such drama queen. She would've dragged you out of Sophie's room, last night and not talk about it with you today, if you were in any kind of real trouble." She said

I still wasn't convinced. Gertie could be sneaky when it came to these kinds of things. "But we hadn't done anything right? Not really…" I thought. I noticed Kathy was saying something.

"Sian are you listening to me" she asked.

"Yeah" I answered grimacing at her.

She rolled her eyes. "Come let's have lunch before all the good things have run out" she said.

"Lunch? Did I miss breakfast, what time is it" I wondered as I turned around to look at my clock.

"12h25pm"

"Shit did we sleep that long" I thought.

"Why didn't anyone come and wake us up" I asked Kathy as we made our way to the dining room. She shrugged at me.

"fucking hell" I muttered.