Chapter Five: Sleep keeps me awake

Getting out from under the blankets piled on top of him caused Dean some trouble. The cold had seeped into his bones during the night. In his struggle to free himself, he rolled over and accidentally onto Castiel. The younger man's eyes shot open. Dean wanted to laugh, but he didn't get the chance.

Castiel abruptly pushed him away. More than a little surprised by his companion's uncharacteristic reaction, Dean observed how his shoulders were set just a mite higher than usual. What the hell was that all about?

While Castiel tended to the horses, Dean woke up a shivering Gabriel and allowed him to drink some water. Not too much, though.

Dean turned to watch Castiel. He was standing in the midst of the horses. If Dean did that, it would probably result in death by hoof. Castiel was carefully sliding his hands over the legs of Sam's horse, as if checking them. The horse whinnied plaintively when Castiel got to its back leg. It must have gotten hurt last night when it fled into the woods, Dean realised.

'Can it continue?' he inquired, hopefully. Castiel nodded, but he looked worried. Gabriel spoke, which reminded Dean that he'd forgotten to gag him again.

'Suppose I...?'

'Suppose I shoot you. Shut up. You're walking.'

(***)

They moved at a crawl with Gabriel and the injured horse trailing behind them. Soon, the horse was limping. That afternoon, the horse wouldn't get back up after resting.

Castiel kneeled by it, between its legs. He kept one hand splayed reassuringly on the horse's belly, shushed it and softly stroked its ankle, barely touching it. The horse weakly tried to get up, but failed. Castiel got to his feet and loaded his rifle. Dean placed his hand over Castiel's and stopped him.

'I'll do it.'

Castiel didn't relinquish the rifle. Dean sighed and held out his hand. Finally, Castiel handed it over. He indicated the spot where Dean should shoot the animal and led away the other two horses. Dean took aim. After a beat, he lowered the rifle and without turning, addressed Castiel.

'Thanks for offering.'

Then he raised the rifle to his shoulder and pulled the trigger. The other horses started a bit at the loud crack of the gunshot. Their nostrils flared, the white of their eyes showed, their ears were pinned back. Castiel stroked their flanks, which calmed them down.

When Gabriel proposed eating the horse's meat, Castiel hit him. Hard.

'Good call,' was all Dean said about that.

(***)

Day bled into night. Night bled into day. They were low on food. They hadn't counted on bringing Gabriel back alive; at least, Dean hadn't. Sometimes he thought that he hadn't contemplated going back at all. As if his life would have ended with Gabriel's.

'You're damn good with that rifle,' Dean remarked, thinking about how Castiel had shot the revolver straight out of Gabriel's hand. Castiel shrugged.

'Have you ever killed someone?' Dean asked, out of the blue.

Castiel nodded. There was no pride in the acknowledgement. Resignation, if anything.

It said something about the kinda life Castiel had led. Drifting seemed less and less romantic the more Dean learned about it. There wasn't a lot of opportunity to hunt around the ranch. Too much work to be done. Castiel had never accompanied them when the few times they went. Dean had assumed it was because he was such an animal lover, but now he suspected that Castiel hadn't wanted to let on how good he was at it. It wasn't something to be proud of, especially not the way Castiel had most likely come by it.

'It's not something you wanna be good at, I guess,' Dean mumbled. Castiel looked at him. He doesn't want that for me, Dean realised. That's why he came.

(***)

'I'll happily blow you away,' he said to Lucifer. He said it, but he wasn't feeling it.

'You know there's only one thing you're cut out for. So, why don't you?' Lucifer suggested, laughing. He's right, Dean thought. I can't take a life.

'Why don't you die?' Lucifer whispered.

Dean woke up covered in sweat. I'm not as tough as I thought I would be, he thought, only to follow that up with; bullshit, you're plenty tough.

'I'll take the next watch,' he told Castiel. The younger man didn't question it. He just closed his eyes and went to sleep.

(***)

They slowly ran out of food and water.

It was hard, at first. Being hungry and thirsty and continuing to walk. Still, an empty belly in an aching body was easier to take than the weight Dean carried in his chest. Then a curious thing happened. A sort of lightness came over Dean. It started with his lack of appetite. That was convenient.

The next thing to go was sadness. That was okay too. It made him colder and meaner. It was nice, really.

He didn't have a lot left now. Just anger. And something to prove.

Then the nightmare returned, so Dean simply stopped sleeping. That was even nicer.