"It was not your fault and it's not my fault, it just happened. There is no use passing the blame and feeling worse about it because we can't change what happened." Tears choked off her words for a moment before she could continue and he lifted his hand to wipe them away. "You promised on the day of our marriage to protect me with your life. You have done that for more than just the last seven months and I have no doubt that you will continue to do that as long as we live. But you cannot protect me from life, silly man, even though you try. We are both angry but that will not fix this. Work out your anger how you must but don't let it consume you, please." She rested her forehead against his for a moment, listening to the sound of his breathing and willing herself to be brave enough to speak what she felt.
"Yes, he hurt me and yes, because of him I am afraid but I want so badly not to be afraid of you. I know you can't fix this but you would if you could and I love you for wanting to try. Honestly, I don't know how you can make it better, for now just follow my lead. I need you to accept that there are some things I cannot handle right now and some things will take some time. You can't push me or press me or beg me to heal any faster than I am because like it or not, I have no control over what I am feeling. But I'll try if you try and I promise we will get through this together."
There were tear tracks on both of their faces when Jenny finished her little speech and she was stunned to realize that she felt better just getting it out. Who knew that psychiatrists could be right and it could make her feel better to talk about everything she'd been avoiding?
Gibbs brushed back her hair and swallowed, needing to ask the next question and both needing to know the answer as well as deeply dreading it. "Will you tell me Jen, what happened?"
Telling her husband about how she was violated was the absolute last thing Jenny Gibbs wanted to do. But tonight was a night for the walls to come down and she couldn't let herself hide behind them anymore. She scooted closer to him so she was sitting close by his side. She didn't want to look in his eyes when she told him the truth.
"I don't want you to hurt more," she whispered.
"Jen," he countered softly, sure that he needed to hear this, "anything is better than not knowing and only imagining."
Jenny had her doubts about that particular point but instead she began to slowly retell her story, using the same version she'd relayed to Kristyn at their first session. She had to pause several times and her body reacted every time Gibbs tensed at what he heard. He put his arm around her and held her hand and she tried to focus on his hands, knowing they were so much different that the hands that had mistreated her. When she finally finished, ending with the moment they broke down the door, she breathed a sigh of relief. It may not have been therapeutic but there was some release inside of her with having it out in the open as well, even if it was painful for her husband to hear and embarrassing for her to tell.
Gibbs sat silently for a long time, holding his wife's hand and struggling to grasp everything he'd just been told. Some of what she said he already knew from the interrogation but it was very different coming from Jenny. Some things she'd said he wished he didn't know but if she didn't tell him that didn't mean it didn't happen. He understood better now, why she was so reluctant to be touched, why anything could trigger a flashback and why their intimacy was on hold for the foreseeable future. But she trusted him enough to tell him and for tonight, that was enough.
He pulled away from her, wanting to look into her eyes while she answered his questions. Jenny had incredibly expressive eyes and there was so much else he could read there that her words wouldn't tell him.
"What happened when they took you to the hospital Jen?"
Jenny closed her eyes, still fighting her way out of the memories from that day. Time to separate emotion from fact. "I was there for four hours. The first thing they did was a rape kit." How she hated that word, the word for what was done to her. It didn't even come close to describing the devastation and people used it without knowing what it really meant. "They had to take..." she struggled for the word, unwilling to say what the hospital called it, and fell back on NCIS jargon, "forensic evidence from me. My...body, my fingernails, the bruises, my hair."
She shook her head, not wanting to recall the cold, sterile hospital room where everyone was doing their job but nobody had time to really care. "They took my clothes and gave me one of those awful, thin hospital gowns. The back was open and I just sat there, waiting for them to finish. I felt so...exposed." She rubbed her free hand over her eyes, Jethro had claimed the other one. "They did a physical examination, I was given needles for things I don't even know now. Some of it is just a blur. But I didn't want to be there, I just wanted to go home. I knew you would somehow make it better."
"I wish I had been with you. Our secret didn't matter so much that you had to go alone."
"No," Jenny said, stopping him. "You had a job to do, you dealt with the bad guy, that was your part."
"I could've sent someone with you."
Jenny put her hand on his face. "My security detail never left me alone. They were outside the door the minute I got there and they stayed until I could go home. There was nothing anyone could've done. The last thing I needed was an audience."
"But to still be alone," he protested, "after everything else."
"Shh," she said, "it worked out alright. You came home and you did everything I needed that night. I couldn't have asked for you to be more gentle."
"I thought maybe you were going to break that night," he admitted.
"I probably would've if I was alone," she told him, realizing how much his strength had gotten her through. "I probably would've curled up on my bed and cried for a week before I even tried to get back to normal life again. But you wouldn't let me. Just having you here probably saved my sanity."
He nodded, glad that something helped. Gibbs looked her up and down very seriously. "Do you still...hurt, Jenny?" he asked.
It took her moment to understand the question and she smiled at how delicate he had tried to be. "A little," she said, "but more uncomfortable than sore anymore. And everything else is beginning to heal too. The bruises are fading but these," she held up her bare wrists, "I think I'll have the scars awhile longer."
Gibbs rubbed his thumb over the marks on her wrist. "I don't care how long they last," he announced. "Every time I see them, they will remind me."
Jenny frowned. "Remind you of what?" Surely he wouldn't want to be reminded of what she'd suffered.
He kissed the marks while looking her in the eyes. "To never take any time with you for granted again. I might never have gotten you back Jen and that would've killed me. I couldn't do it twice."
Jenny leaned closer, until she was a breath away from his lips. "I can't promise you what I don't know. But tonight I'm not going anywhere."
She waited a moment for them both to be sure and then leaned into him, kissing him with everything she couldn't say, all her gratitude and love. They stayed that way for awhile, just kissing, and enjoying their closeness. Closeness didn't always have to do with physical nearness, but it was emotional as well. And tonight they had connected on a level that had been missing since last week.
Gibbs leaned back from her to catch his breath and wove his fingers with hers. "So, what now?"
She laughed. "This may be the wrong time, but Dr. Renway has been pretty insistent. She wants us both to come into my appointment on Tuesday. Apparently joint therapy is good for couples recovering from," she swallowed, not wanting to use the word, "this."
"What did you tell her about me?"
"That you're my husband." At his surprised look she added, "I couldn't lie to a shrink Jethro, she'd know it just as fast as you do."
"I'll do whatever you need," Gibbs said, with barely a pause. "I'm not going anywhere Jenny."
"Well," Jenny hedged, hoping he would give her an excuse to get out of it but knowing she was stuck, "I guess we could try it once together and see what happens."
"Deal." He took a good look at her. "Oh Jen, you look exhausted again. I think it's time for bed."
"See?" she smiled as they got up. "This is why we don't use words to talk. Everything emotional is an awful amount of effort."
"Oh," Gibbs said sincerely as he led her up to their bedroom, "I do believe tonight was worth all the effort."
"Agreed," she sighed. "And I am so ready to sleep now."
Not too long after they made it upstairs, Jenny and Gibbs lay down facing each other in their bed. Gibbs, too tired to guess, decided the easiest way to find out was to ask. "What's okay for me to do Jenny?"
She leaned in to kiss him lightly. "Kisses are okay. Holding me. Just...keep your hands in once place, okay? It's when you start to rub my back or move your hands that I get nervous."
Appreciating her honesty, Gibbs held out his arms and she gladly moved in beside him. Pulling her to him, he put one arm around her waist and the other around her shoulders, deciding he would just hold her awhile. Besides, it was getting late and he couldn't think of a better way to fall asleep.