A/N: Just in case anyone wonders - all information on healing from rape, what survivors go through and what their partners can do to help their wives and themselves, is shamelessly plagiarized off an uncountable number of internet sites I went to trying to get information to make this story accurate. Thank you : )
"Here you are Jenny," Kristyn handed her patient a steaming cup of tea. She'd already figured out that the woman felt more comfortable when she had something to do with her hands. But Kristyn noticed that Jenny didn't seem as nervous today as she had at their other sessions.
"Thank you," Jenny gratefully accepted the hot beverage.
"I wanted to tell you again how nice it was that your husband was able to make it last time," Kristyn mentioned as she settled into her chair. "The way he held your hand through the whole session, even when you were upset with him...the two of you have a deep bond."
Jenny wasn't sure she liked how well the doctor could read her. She shrugged. "We've both learned some hard lessons about wasted time over the last several years. It makes a difference in how we view our relationship."
"And each other," Kristyn added. "Jenny, you are leaning on him and using his love to help you heal, and you don't even realize it."
Jenny studied her reflection in the tea for a moment. "We're having good moments and bad moments. Yesterday had more bad moments, today more good. I'm thankful for that."
Dr. Renway looked over the notes she'd made from the last session, highlighting things she wanted to bring up again or elaborate on.
"Jenny," she began, "I want to apologize."
Jenny's head jerked up. "Why?"
Kristyn tapped her pen. "I think I may have jumped to conclusions last time, when Mr. Gibbs mentioned that you weren't eating. It's such a common thing with RTS that I didn't give it much thought." She cleared her throat. "Can you tell me why you're not eating?"
Jenny pushed her shoulders back. We're back to that, she sighed inwardly, sick and tired of that subject. "It's not that I don't want to eat. Well," she shrugged, "sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. But the rest of the time I simply can't." She put her hand over her stomach. "My stomach has been unsettled since I got back. I don't want to eat a meal just to throw it up later."
Kristyn knit her brows. "Have you been eating anything?" she asked, concerned.
"Little bits, here and there. Jethro worries when I don't, so I try to eat a couple bites at meal we share together. The rest of the time," Jenny held up the cup, "it's coffee mostly."
Dr. Renway frowned. "Have you gone to see your doctor about that?"
Jenny shook her head. "No. I hadn't even thought about it. I just figured it was a leftover symptom from what happened and would eventually pass."
The therapist scribbled some notes on her pad. "I'd like you to make a doctor's appointment soon if you can Jenny. While being unable to eat is an RTS symptom, it's usually more rooted in a survivor's attempt to control one aspect of their lives and that doesn't sound like the case with you." She glanced up. "You can have a check up done then as well, to make sure you're healing properly inside as well."
Jenny cringed and closed her eyes. The thought of another physical examination brought back pictures of the other one, which Jenny had found embarrassing, frightening, and painful. I'm beginning to hate doctors almost as much as I hate shrinks, she thought bitterly.
She couldn't really hate Kristyn of course, the woman was part of the reason Jenny still had her sanity, or most of it anyways. But she didn't always like the suggestions that were made, especially when they became orders and she didn't have a choice in the matter.
Kristyn shifted topics. "Do you remember Tuesday when I was explaining the stages of RTS to you?"
"And all the wonderful symptoms I get to look forward to?" Jenny added sarcastically.
"Yes," Kristyn smiled. "One thing I forgot to mention was what our goal is. The resolution phase."
"Do tell." Jenny leaned back, not sure why she was feeling so snippy all of a sudden.
Kristyn ignored the attitude, which wasn't unexpected, and continued. "This is the part you get to look forward to, when the assault is no longer the central focus of your life. You will probably never forget what happened Jenny, but the pain, the anger, the nightmares and flashbacks will all fade over time, I promise you. Eventually it will be a case of accepting the rape as part of your life and choosing to move on from it, and not let it control you anymore."
Jenny was tapping her foot. "How much time are we talking about?"
The doctor smiled sadly. "I wish I could give you an exact date when you will feel better and things will begin to go back to normal. But it varies with each person. For some it may be as soon as two months after the attack. For others, six, or eight months, even a year or more. It all depends on how they choose to deal with it."
"Two months would be nice," Jenny commented, swirling the tea around in the bottom of her cup.
"Just take it one day at a time Jenny," Dr. Renway advised. "Any more would be overwhelming for anyone." Kristyn's eyes fell on the list of recommendations she'd made to the couple at their session together. "Did you and your husband get around to talking about intimacy this week?"
Jenny dug her nails into her palm. The doctor eyed her. "Take a breath Jenny. I know you don't want to talk about this part but it's the only way to find out what we need to work on. Try to relax, I can wait until you're ready."
The redhead took two deep breaths, held the air in and then let it out slowly. Finally she nodded.
"Now, when you think about being intimate with your husband, what's the first thing that pops into your head?" Kristyn asked.
Jenny's eyes opened. "I'm afraid it will hurt."
"Good," Kristyn nodded. "Did you tell your husband that?" Jenny nodded in the affirmative. "And what did he say?"
"That he'd stop," Jenny's voice was quiet. "That we'd wait. But I don't know if that's enough."
"He's giving you the right answers Jenny, he wants to help. Stopping anything physical if you're uncomfortable or scared is fine. Mr. Gibbs seems to understand that."
Not that he has much of a choice, Jenny pointed out to no one in particular.
Kristyn leaned forward. "I know that you're afraid to be with your husband right now, that you probably don't feel ready. But as something to think about, loving sex with your husband may help to replace the feelings of fear, guilt and shame that still linger after what happened to you." The doctor fell silent, content to let her words sink in a bit.
Jenny's first reaction was, Not happening. But as she thought about it, sitting on Kristyn's couch with her arms crossed, the idea suddenly became more appealing. What would it be like, to share that closeness with her husband again? To know the safety she felt wrapped in his arms? To experience the comfort she could get from his body? After all, not all intimacy had to be passionate. Sometimes it was sad, sometimes angry. What if that fixed everything she was feeling?
She suddenly realized Kristyn was talking again, adding a caution to what she'd just said.
"Remember Jenny," the doctor was saying, "everyone heals at different speeds. You may feel comfortable with sex a week after the rape or a month, or a year, or not even then. There is no timetable for your healing. It's not something you can rush just because you want to."
Oh yeah, Jenny began thinking, watch me.
NCIS
Around 1530, Gibbs found himself back at his desk, waiting for yet another lead to pan out. Tony and Ziva were chasing this one, McGee was tracking the Gunny's cell phone to see if the GPS chip or call history could tell them something they didn't already know. And Gibbs just wanted a break in this case. It would be really nice to have dinner with his wife tonight instead of grabbing an hour or two of sleep beside her before he came back in.
The pen he was using ran out of ink and Gibbs snapped it between two fingers, flicking it into the garbage can. Rummaging through his desk drawers in search of another pen, he came across the pamphlet Dr. Renway had given him on Tuesday. Leaning back in his chair, Gibbs began flipping through the pages, wondering if it would tell him something that he could do to help his wife.
Be patient, kind and loving to her. Yeah, Gibbs thought, tell me something I don't know.
Don't push your wife into intimacy, he read. Trying, he reminded the information, rolling his shoulders.
Gibbs turned a few more pages and found a section entitled, 'Your Feelings.' Curious, he started reading again.
If you are supporting your wife after a rape, chances are you are feeling helpless as she tries to cope with what happened to her, but you are not. You can play an active part in her healing by giving her the space to deal with what happened in her own time.
Even if you feel the need to talk about it, she may not. Let her know that you are there if she needs to talk, but don't force her. Find someone you trust to help support you through this time.
Remember there is no time frame within which your partner will be cured. Everyone deals with trauma at different rates and in different ways.
It can be difficult to know when to resume intimacy. It's important to be open and honest about how you are feeling and make sure you know how she is feeling. Your wife will need to go at her own pace and rebuild the trust you previously shared.
So far this sounds like a lists of do's and don'ts, Gibbs remarked. What does it have to do with my feelings about what happened to Jenny? Closer to the end of the book, he finally found advice for himself in a list format.
If you're supporting a woman who has survived a rape, it can be easy to forget the need to look after yourself.
Be gentle with yourself. You are trying.
Remember that you do not have magic powers - you are a human with limits.
Give support or encouragement, and also learn to accept it for yourself.
You may feel helpless at times, but caring and just being there are very important acts.
Try to focus on good things that happen each day.
Give yourself time to recover. You are important.
Laugh and enjoy yourself. Even if it doesn't seem appropriate, you must find release somewhere.
If you want to be able to help your wife, you must first acknowledge your own feelings about her experience. Choose an activity that will help you de-stress, so you don't end up taking your frustration and guilt out on your wife or the people around you.
Somebody's been spying on me, Gibbs decided surprised at how accurate some of the information was. He'd known this process was not going to be easy, but he hadn't been prepared for how he was reacting. I'm sure glad Bill agreed to meet me, he admitted, putting the pamphlet away to look at again later. There was a lot he'd skipped over and Gibbs wouldn't be shocked to discover a whole lot more that might help.
At five minutes before the hour, Gibbs dropped his fifth cup of coffee in the garbage bin beside his desk and made for the elevator. McGee looked up curiously, but unlike Tony, knew better than to ask. Down in the training gym, Gibbs smiled at the sight of his old friend sitting beside the ring wrapping his hands.
"How are you Bill?" he asked.
"Still early for everything I guess," Bill chuckled.
"Old habits die hard," Gibbs smiled. "Give me a minute to change and I'll join you."
"I'll be waiting for you," Bill promised.
Minutes later Gibbs came out in dark blue shorts and a gray t-shirt. He wrapped his hands in silence and picked up gloves before stepping into the ring. Bill observed him quietly.
"Just need to go a couple rounds," Gibbs informed his friend, slapping his gloves together.
"Still working on that anger management problem Jethro?" Bill ribbed his friend.
Gibbs' signature half-grin was more sad than the amused Bill had expected. "That and then some," he nodded.
It had been years since he and Bill had gotten together. And while the entire building was now aware of at least part of, if not the entire story of what happened to the director, few were let in on the personal connection he and Jenny shared. His team seemed content to keep the information about their marriage on the down low, enjoying it as their own little secret. Even now Gibbs was wondering how much he would tell if Bill asked.
The two men circled each other, fists at the ready. A quick jab here, dodging an uppercut there, and they found the old familiar rhythm. Some hits, some misses, neither trying to hurt the other but Gibbs needed the release. He darted forward and hooked a foot behind Bill's ankle and wrapped an arm around the man's neck. Bill responded by using Jethro's own body weight to throw him to the ground. Gibbs lay there a moment, stunned. He took the arm Bill offered him to get up.
"Didn't see that one coming," he laughed, rubbing his back.
"Don't you remember basic training Gunny?" Bill grinned. "Always anticipate."
"That's what I tell my team."
"I guess you haven't been listening."
Gibbs frowned at his friend. "I thought we were just boxing Bill."
The eyebrow Bill raised warned him of what was coming. "They don't teach boxing in the Corps, Jethro, they teach fighting."
Gibbs remembered the day he'd brought his team down for combat training, leaving McGee to grapple with Kate while he took on Tony. He'd told Tony the very same thing. "I guess it has been a long time," was all he said before getting back into position.
After they'd each been thrown a couple times, and were starting to miss more punches than they dodged, Gibbs and Bill called a halt.
"We are definitely getting too old for this," Bill grumbled, pushing between the ropes.
Gibbs was breathing hard and wiped away the collecting sweat with his arm. "Ah, a little fight never hurt anyone. At least we weren't dodging bullets."
Bill laughed comically. "When did you become a glass half-full man?" he demanded. "The Gunny Gibbs I knew always expected the worst."
"Still do," Gibbs agreed, sitting down. "But I try not to get too jaded. We all got to believe in something."
Bill looked at him. "What do you believe in Jethro?" The last time he checked, Gibbs had not been a God-fearing man.
Gibbs' sigh was heavy. "I don't know Bill. But right now, it would be really nice to have something to hold on to."
Draping a towel around his neck, Bill zipped up his gym bag. "Tell me about it Jethro. I've got time."
He couldn't meet his friends eyes. It was humiliating to talk about, feeling like he'd failed as a man and a husband. "I guess the first thing I should tell you is that I'm married again."
Bill's eyes flew to his ring finger and saw the silver band and the look in the man's eyes. "Good for you Jethro. I always hoped you'd find the right person, after Shannon I mean."
Gibbs nodded slowly. "I did. I found her, and lost her for years, got involved with the wrong people, and finally found her again. My own miracle." He forced a laugh. "I guess if I was going to believe in God, she'd be my reason."
"Nothing wrong with being inspired," Bill smiled, thinking of his own wife waiting for him at home. "So what's up?" He knew his friend wouldn't call him up after all these years just because he'd had a bad day. No, whatever was going on with Jethro was something serious.
Gibbs went to shove his hands in his pockets only to realize his gym shorts didn't have any. "The trouble all started two weeks ago. She works here and we were leaving together..."
For the next half hour, Gibbs shared his and Jenny's story. He saw the compassion and sadness and anger on his friend's face and suddenly realized why it was important to have someone to talk to. He just needed to know someone else cared.