Bella had been asleep for a few hours when I heard Alice outside the door.
Edward?
"Yes Alice?" I said in a voice too low to wake Bella.
Can I come in? I have something for Bella for tomorrow.
"Alright, but quietly. She had a very long day and needs to sleep."
Alice opened the door silently and walked into the room carrying several shopping bags. She placed them on the floor next to her luggage. Then she walked over to the bed and looked down at Bella, then frowned.
Why isn't she wearing the pajamas I got her? They are all so beautiful!
"She is more comfortable in my shirt." I was certain of that.
Well, I am taking her shopping tomorrow so don't try to monopolize her.
"Fine, Alice. Good Night." There was no arguing with Alice.
Goodnight Edward. She danced her way out of the room.
Sometime later I heard the whole family gather in the living room. Carlisle called my name in his head.
Edward we have something we all need to discuss. Can you come down for a moment?
I sighed quietly and gently extricated myself from Bella's arms. I went downstairs and saw that my family was all seated the living room. The Denali's were hunting at the moment. I sat down and waited expectantly.
Carlisle spoke.
"I believe that we should leave for Forks within the next day or so. Unfortunately the incident with Tanya cannot be ignored. Making a pass at Edward is one thing; hurting Bella is another entirely. Edward can take care of himself but Bella is still to fragile to be around Tanya if she is going to behave this way."
I nodded. Tanya's thoughts were too clouded by jealousy to let her think clearly. She might really hurt Bella next time.
"Just let that harpy get near my little sister and I will tear her apart." Rosalie spat. Everyone looked at her, amazed. She just shrugged and looked at her nails.
I am just starting to like her and I don't want anyone to hurt her. Besides Tanya is such a bitch anyways she doesn't deserve you Edward.
I was shocked. That was probably the nicest thing I had ever heard from Rose. I looked over at her and smiled and she gave me a faint smile back before going back to examining her nails.
"I have no problem going back early, Carlisle." I said. I saw Alice and Jasper nod in agreement.
"I'll miss the grizzlies but I would hate for something to happen to Bella that would bring Broodward back among us." Emmett said winking at me. I rolled my eyes at him and everyone laughed.
"Well we'll check with Bella in the morning and see if she is agreeable." Esme said. Carlisle nodded and I sensed the meeting was over. I went back upstairs to my Bella.
When Bella woke up in the morning I let her get dressed and went downstairs to attempt something I had never done before. Cook.
I knew Bella needed to eat breakfast so I gathered all the ingredients for pancakes. I read the instructions carefully and assembled the ingredients. Ugh, how did humans eat this stuff? It smelled terrible.
I turned on the stove to the appropriate temperature and poured the batter into the pan. I read the instructions three times to make sure I was doing this properly. I turned them according to the instructions on the box, looking over the picture to make sure they looked correct. I had to throw away two batches because they didn't look right.
I was preparing the third batch when I heard Bella enter the kitchen.
"Hey you," She said walking over to stand next to me. She looked lovely in a pair of dark jeans and soft red v-neck shirt.
"Are you hungry?" She was grinning at her joke. Like I would ever eat these things.
I looked down at her. "I hope they are alright. I don't think I have ever cooked before." I turned back to look at the pancakes. I didn't want to burn them.
"I'm sure they will be delicious." She sounded amused.
"Hmmm." I said. I wanted these to be perfect for her and I had to concentrate. It wasn't like I could taste test them myself. I flipped them onto the plate and was satisfied that they looked like the picture on the box.
Bella sat down at the table and I put the pancakes in front of her. She poured the sickeningly sweet smelling syrup on them and took a bite. I held my breath. She sighed. Were they awful?
"Are they alright?"
"Wonderful." She said. I was relieved. I cleaned up the kitchen as Bella ate. She washed her plate after she ate and we went into the living room.
Carlisle and Esme looked up when we walked in and greeted us.
"Bella, we have something to discuss with you." Carlisle said. "We are thinking of going back to Forks sooner than we had originally planned. We have discussed it with the rest of the family and want your opinion too. What do you think?" We don't need a replay of yesterday.
"I'm ready to go back whenever you are. When do you want to leave?" Bella said.
"We were thinking of leaving tomorrow if that is not too soon for you." Esme said.
"That suits me fine." Bella replied. "Why are we going back sooner than you planned?"
Because Tanya is apparently crazy. Carlisle thought. He looked uncomfortable. Bella noticed his expression.
"It's because of me isn't it? Because of Tanya's reaction to me, right?" Bella sighed. I knew she would find a way blame herself for this.
"Bella, you didn't do anything." I said. Damn Tanya and her antics.
"Edward's right, Bella. It isn't your fault that Tanya can't control herself. But we do think that it is better to go now before things get out of control." He looked at her arm. What the hell was Tanya thinking putting her hands on Bella like that?
"Before she can hurt me again you mean." Bella said, shaking her head wearily. "Well then I guess it is better that we go. I don't want to there to be any more problems. And I would hate to cause turmoil between Tanya's family and all of you. You all have such a good bond. It would be a shame to damage that just because of me. So what time are we leaving?"
"Just because of her"? Doesn't she know that we would do anything for her, Edward? That her being with you is so much more important to us? Esme thought.
I sighed and shook my head. Bella would never understand how important she was to me, to all of us.
"We are leaving at eight tomorrow morning." Carlisle said.
"Ok, sounds great." Bella said. She opened her mouth but a certain dark haired pixie dictator came down the stairs at that moment.
"Bella! We have plans to make!" She trilled.
Bella looked uneasy. "What plans?"
"For shopping of course, silly! We need to get you outfitted to go back home." You are going to love all the new things I am getting for you today!
I knew Alice was looking forward to this way more than Bella was. Bella sighed and I knew I was right. I watched as Alice tugged Bella out the door, Bella looking resigned and Alice looking like she just won the Bella lottery.
I occupied myself while Bella was gone by catching up with my family. I had missed them. Being away from them for so long made me realize how important to me they were. And I realized now how much they had missed me when I was gone. I made a mental promise to never do that to them again.
Emmett told me about their travels in Africa.
"You would have loved it Edward. The hunting there was amazing! We made sure to steer clear of any animal preserves and endangered species but that left a lot of other things to hunt. I even got to wrestle a crocodile!" I laughed at the excitement in his voice.
"Are they your new favorite then?" I teased.
"God, no! But they were a lot of fun. You should have been there Ed! I know you would have loved racing with the cheetahs. They might have given you a run for your money." He laughed at his joke. I laughed too but inside I felt horrible that I had missed experiencing these things with my brother.
Jasper was sitting beside me and picked up on my mood.
Don't worry about it Edward. You can always take a trip, just you and him. You have all the time in the world, remember? One of those vampire perks.
I looked over at him and smiled. He was right. I had plenty of time to make memories with my family.
Carlisle told me that he had taken a teaching position at a local college. I could hear in his thoughts that though he loved molding young minds fighting off the amorous advances his young female students had been taxing.
"I guess we can call you Doctor Love then Carlisle?" I laughed uproariously. Emmett was almost hysterical with laughter.
"I'm the only one who gets to call him that." Esme said, winking at Carlisle. Emmett groaned and Carlisle looked smug. I laughed again.
It is so good to see Edward laugh again! Esme thought.
I learned that Jasper and Alice had been keeping a watch over Bella while she was in Rio. I was glad to know that they had protected her. And glad that they had left just before I had found her again. Our reunion was something I held very dear to my heart right now. I was glad I hadn't had to share it with anyone except Bella.
I heard Carlisle's car pull up a few hours later. I had to restrain myself from jumping up and running out to meet them. I had more control than that, right? Bella came inside, dragging her feet. She looked completely worn out. She came over to where I was and kissed me. She stretched out on the couch next to me and rested her head on my leg. I began stroking her soft dark hair.
"Tired?" I asked. She looked so adorably worn out. I bent and kissed her on her nose.
"Alice is exhausting." She said.
I didn't even get a third of what I need! I have so much more I to get for her once we get back home. This is just enough to get her until school starts. Alice was upstairs, sorting out the clothes for Bella. Though before she opened one of the bags she began reciting Othello in her head. I stopped listening figuring whatever it was she was hiding in Bella's wardrobe I would find out in good time.
I ran my fingers down Bella's cheek, reveling in its softness. Soon her eyes began to droop and she fell asleep.
Esme and Carlisle came in a little while later and stood with their arms wrapped around each other, watching me and Bella. Esme sighed and rested her head on Carlisle's chest and he ran his fingers through her hair.
I don't have the words to express how happy I am that you two are back together, Edward. Esme thought. I simply nodded. I was gloriously happy as well. I had forgotten how happiness felt until Bella had found me again.
Bella shivered slightly and Esme noticed. She flashed upstairs and pulled an afghan out of the linen closet. She was back downstairs a second later and placed it over Bella carefully. She stirred slightly and whispered "Thanks Momma Esme" before nestling back into my leg and falling asleep again.
Esme positively beamed.
A few hours later I could feel Bella waking up. She sat up and rubbed her eyes like a child.
"How long was I asleep?" she asked on a yawn.
"About three hours." I said and she laughed.
"Sorry. You should have moved me over so you could get up. I didn't mean to trap you there."
I could have spent the rest of eternity just watching her sleep and never tire of it.
"You can trap me whenever you want." I said laughing with her.
We had a long day ahead tomorrow and Bella went to bed early. Even after her nap she was exhausted as the last couple of days caught up with her. I let her sleep until seven but had to wake her up so we could be on our way. I forayed into the kitchen again to make her breakfast, bacon and eggs this time. She seemed to enjoy it though it still smelled dreadful to me. Emmett and Jasper loaded all the luggage into the cars and after Bella ate we said our goodbyes.
Kate pulled Bella into a hug. Sorry Edward, but I like her and I am grateful to her for making you so happy again. She released Bella and looked at me. I just nodded at her.
"I'm sorry that there was such drama, Bella. But I am very glad to have met you. Thanks for bring Edward back from the dead, so to speak." She laughed at her own joke and surprisingly Bella laughed with her.
"I'm glad to have met all of you too. I'm sorry about what happened but I hope we can all be friends." Bella said. Oh, me too! I think I am really going to like her. She is the most unusual human I have ever met.
"Me too," Kate said.
Bella said her goodbyes to the rest of the Denali's and we all loaded up into our vehicles.
Tanya had not returned.
Bella and I were going to drive straight to Forks in my Volvo. Emmett and Rosalie were going to follow Alice and Jasper in the M3 so they could drop off the rental car. Carlisle and Esme were in the Mercedes. I knew that they all would arrive back home before Bella and I since we had to stop to accommodate what she called her "human moments". Besides that she would have an anxiety attack if I went over 125mph, and even then she only grudgingly allowed it by pretending not to look at the speedometer. I took the opportunity to drive with real speed when she was asleep. Even though it felt like we were crawling home sometimes I enjoyed my uninterrupted Bella time. When we got back to Forks I would have to share her more and more. I cringed internally. I had only just gotten her back and the knowing I would soon have to split time with Charlie and school and my family made me resentful of losing that time. I had missed her face every second for the last six months. She was all I had been able to think about, the only thing that had made my existence feel real at all. I coveted every moment with her now.
We talked about school and about Charlie and Renee. She asked me what I had been up to while we were apart. I told her about the places that I had traveled to and the things that I had seen, having to exaggerate at times. I did not want her to know how I spent most of the time isolated from everything and everyone. I did not tell her about the crushing pain and loneliness that I had felt when I was away from her. I did not tell her that seeing her face in my mind a thousand times a day was both the sweetest pleasure and most horrible torture I had ever endured. Perceptive as always though, she could sense the change in my mood and changed the subject when she saw how sad it made me.
We finally made it home after three days on the road. The trip normally took just under two days, as the vampire drives. When we pulled into the garage and grabbed the luggage Emmett's voice called out from inside the house.
"Took you long enough Edward! Did you guys stop and sightsee or something? Or were you trying to get out of unpacking everything?" Or did you stop to have a little fun? He laughed.
I rolled my eyes at his humor. "Funny, Em. I assume that you guys left me my room to unpack anyway, right?"
"Hell yes. No one can figure out the weird way you have your music arranged. Besides the fact that it would take forever to unpack all of it anyway." You are the most anal retentive vampire I have ever met.
Esme and Carlisle came out of the library then.
"I did make your bed and hang up your clothes Edward." Esme said.
I swear I had the best mother in the entire world. I walked over and put my arm around her, then kissed her on the top of her head. I grinned at her and she grinned back.
"Thanks, Mom. You're the best." You're worth it son.
I took the bags up to my room and saw that it looked much like the last time we had lived here before. Esme had swapped the couch for a bed since Bella would be staying with us for a few more days. It was a large wrought iron bed with a dark blue coverlet and dark gray sheets. There were several soft pillows as well. I was grateful to Esme for thinking of it. I saw several boxes on the floor and knew that they were my music and journals. I decided to put them away later and went back downstairs.
The next two days I spent as much time as I could with Bella and my family. Bella was looking up information about Brazil online. She said it was all in keeping with the charade of her "humanitarian efforts". She always smirked at me when she said it for some reason and when I asked her why she laughed and said it was because of the irony of bringing me back to "life", back to humanity so to speak. I laughed with her and realized that she was right. She had brought me back to life; she had saved me from myself. I was nothing without her and being with her allowed me to feel more human than I ever though possible. This woman was my miracle.
The second day we were home was the hardest I'd had since Bella had found me in Rio. Alice had practically kidnapped her that morning after Bella had eaten breakfast. They were going shopping in Seattle. I was restless after they left and decided to go hunting. I needed something to do to keep my mind off missing Bella. I found two elk and drained them quickly. I was still feeling restless and now full of energy after hunting. I decided to run. I paid no attention to where my feet were taking me, I simply ran. I was surprised therefore to find myself in the meadow. Our meadow. It seemed even more magical now. There were so many memories of Bella in this meadow and I felt almost dizzy as they all swirled through my head. If not for Bella decision to seek me out we would not have the opportunity to make more memories in this glorious place. I felt my dead heart clench at the thought. How could I have been so stupid? Letting her go was the most foolish thing I had ever done. I could see that now. Could see that I had been deluding myself into thinking that I could live without her. I had felt empty, hollow without her. Now with her by my side I felt complete. Whole. I felt like I could face anything as long as I was with her. She might be fragile by human standards but in her heart she was stronger than me. Even though my leaving had hurt her she had tried to live. To try to be normal, try to survive. Then to make the decision to find me, to come and seek me out though she had no way of knowing what I would do or say amazed me more and more. I don't know if I would ever be able to match her strength of heart. I truly did not deserve her but I would always cherish her.
I spent a few more hours in the meadow. Drawing strength from just being there. I ran home rather leisurely and found Emmett and Jasper playing video games. Carlisle was at work, Esme was upstairs working on an interior decorating scheme and Rosalie was in the garage, tinkering with my Volvo.
No one has really driven this thing in months and it needed a tune up. She thought as I walked by.
"Thanks Rose, I appreciate it." I said. She 'harrumphed' in response.
I spent the next few hours playing video games and arguing playfully with my brothers while surreptitiously watching the clock. How long did it take to shop anyway? I knew that Alice loved to marathon shop but she had to realize that Bella was not as indefatigable as she was. I was tempted to call Bella just to hear her voice when my phone buzzed.
Don't you dare call her. This is our day. We will be leaving to come home in ten minutes. Get a grip and we will see you in an hour or so. Alice.
Well I could wait an hour, right?
After fifteen minutes I was tapping my foot. After thirty my leg was bouncing up and down in impatience as I sat on the couch.
Edward, get a grip! You are killing me with this. She will be home soon. If you have to twitch and fidget at least go upstairs. Jasper was feeling the strain of my impatience.
I took his advice and went upstairs. Fifteen minutes later I was still pacing the floor. I stopped and ran my fingers through my hair. What was wrong with me? I had to get myself under control. She had only been gone a few hours. Well several hours. Well almost the whole day really. If I was this restless and needy after only one day apart from her what was it going to be like when she was back home and I could not be around her every minute of the day? I could not imagine. I did not want to imagine.
I missed her face, her beautiful eyes, her scent. Wait. Her scent. I looked around my room. On the bed was the t-shirt that she had worn to sleep. I picked it up and held it to my face, inhaling her scent. Like in Denali I felt instantly calmer, more grounded. I stood there, holding her shirt to my face. I heard Jasper heave a sigh of relief downstairs.
I don't want to know what you are doing to calm down, but thanks bro.
I stood there for a moment, luxuriating in her scent. It took me a moment to realize that I felt no bloodlust, only a slight burning in the back of my throat. The most overpowering thing I felt now was love for Bella.
I did not have time to really think about though. I heard the Mercedes coming down the driveway. I was down the stairs and out the front door before the car had pulled into the garage. I leapt off the porch and sped to the passenger side door. I pulled open the door as Bella unbuckled her seatbelt and grabbed her as she stepped out. I pulled her into a hug, feeling complete now that she was in my arms. She tilted her head up towards me and I kissed her soft lips. Her hands found their way into my hair and she tugged slightly. I reveled in the sensation.
I smiled when I realized that I had not even said hello before needing to kiss her. I pulled away from the kiss to whisper in her ear.
"I missed you."
"I can tell." She said, laughing breathlessly. "I missed you too."
I kissed her again, needing her lips against mine.
Edward, we need to get all this stuff inside so I can get it all sorted out.
I ignored Alice's petulant thoughts. She'd had Bella all day; now it was my turn.
Edward!
Alice realized that she was getting nowhere with me and tried a different tactic.
"Bella, we have to get all this into the house. Come on." She tugged on the arm that Bella had around my neck, pulling her from the kiss.
"Alice! Geez! Be careful! That arm still hurts. How can someone so tiny be the biggest annoyance in the world?" Bella was exasperated. I was too. I was nowhere near done kissing her.
"Sorry Bella, but I need to sort all this out. You can kiss Edward any time." Just a few more minutes Edward then she is all yours.
"Thank God for that." I said before Bella dragged me into the house with an arm full of shopping bags.
We carried the bags into the house and upstairs.
These go in my room, Edward. And no peeking in the bags or in my head.
The meaning of her statement became clearer when Bella asked why the bags were in Alice's room and not mine. When Alice tapped her head and Bella nodded in understanding I knew that she had purchased something special for some vision she might have had. Alice was translating War and Peace into Chinese in her head so I knew I was right.
"I'll bring everything to your room once it's sorted out Bella. I am going to have to go over everything with you anyway to make sure you know how to put it all together." Alice told her. She began pulling garments out of the bags.
Bella lay down on the bed and groaned in frustration. I knew she wanted her clothes to be comfortable and uncomplicated. A difficult task when Alice was the one picking them.
I laughed at her frustrated expression and decided to steal her away from Alice. And I needed to discuss something with her.
"Come on, Bella. Let Alice figure all this stuff out. She will call you when she is ready. I want to talk to you about something anyway."
I reached out my hand to her and she leaned up and grasped it. Using a tiny amount of my strength I pulled her up off the bed and into my arms. She encircled my waist with her arms and nestled her face into my chest, taking in a deep breath. Inhaling my scent I realized. I wondered if it had the same effect on her that it had on me. She raised her head to look at me and I smiled down at her, loving her arms around me.
"What do you want to talk about?" She asked.
"Let's talk about it in my room." I looped my arm around her waist and drew her out of the room.
We walked down the hallway to my room and she crawled up onto my bed, sitting with her legs crossed and a curious expression on her face. I sat down facing her in same position. I wanted to talk to her about this since Carlisle had brought it up to me but had not felt like the time was right until now.
"Ok, so what's up?" I heard her heartbeat pick up and the anxiety in her voice.
"I wanted to talk to you about Charlie. We will be taking you home in a few days and I don't know what his reaction is going to be when he realizes that we are back together. Carlisle will go to the hospital tomorrow and ask for his position back and the way that gossip travels he will certainly know that we are here very soon." I heard her breathing become more stable and her heartbeat slow. Apparently she was not as worried about this as I was.
"I can't say for certain what his reaction will be. I know that he is going to be mad at you for sure. He blames you for everything that I went through when you were away." I winced at the reminder of the pain that I had caused the both of us and she placed her hand on my face to comfort me.
"Edward, I know why you left and even though I still can't believe you would do something so selfish I understand. Charlie won't be so easy to convince. Especially since you can't tell him the whole reason."
My mind stopped. Literally stopped. Then it started running again at full speed. It clung to one word, repeating it over and over again in my ear.
Selfish.
What the hell did that mean? She thought that when I left I was being selfish? How in the hell did she come to that conclusion? I left for her, because of her, because I loved her too much to stay. I had torn out my heart to give her a better life and she thought I was selfish? Leaving her was the hardest thing I had ever done in my very long life and she thought I did it for self-serving reasons? I was suddenly angry.
"Selfish! You think I was being selfish? I left to protect you! I didn't want you to be hurt any more! I wanted you to be safe and happy! Selfish!" I said the word with as much disdain as I could muster. She scowled at me.
"Yes Edward, selfish." Her voice was intense. "You took it upon yourself to decide what was best for us. You chose the direction of our relationship, no matter how good your intentions were. You took it upon yourself to decide what my future would be without even consulting me. That is not what couples do. Decisions need to be made together. I get that you wanted to protect me; that you didn't want to see me hurt. But leaving me hurt me more than James or Victoria or even Tyler's van could ever have done. They only would have hurt me physically. You ripped out my heart and crushed it in your hand when you spoke to me in the forest that day."
If my heart was beating it would have stopped. She had never directly spoken about how much it hurt her when I left. To hear her state it in such bald terms horrified me. How could I have hurt her so much? I saw her point. I had never consulted her, never told her my feelings. I wanted her to be safe but never let her have a say in the matter. Maybe if I had we would never have had to part. Maybe I was selfish. Maybe it was my own fears that had made me run away. Fear that I would be the one that would hurt her. Me. A thought I could not bear. But when I left I hurt her anyway. I was a monster.
"Look, I know you think that you have to protect me from yourself, that you think you are some kind of monster but you're not Edward." I wondered if she could read my mind. I looked away and shook my head. She was wrong. She grabbed my chin and forced me to look into her eyes.
"Look at me." I saw her wince slightly at the sadness I am sure she saw in mine.
"You. Are. Not. A. Monster. A monster would have drunk my blood the very moment he smelled it in that classroom. A monster would have let that van crush me because I am just a simple human and what did my life matter anyway. A monster would not have saved me from the men in Port Angeles. A monster would have left me on my own in the baseball field and let James kill me. A monster would not have danced with me at Prom because he thought that it was important for me to be human as much as possible. A monster could not have fallen in love with me or held me and kissed me with such gentleness. Everything you have ever done towards me just reinforces how very unlike a monster you are."
I could only stare. Having her recount all those memories to me-I was astounded. She really did not see me as a monster, even after everything she had been through because of me. Her faith in me was astounding.
"Listen, Edward. I know that above all else you value my safety and wellbeing. And I appreciate it, I really do. I have the worst luck in the world and having my own Vampire Superhero has its advantages." I smiled slightly, remembering that day in the cafeteria when I had asked her to tell me her theories, when she was still trying to figure out what kind of creature I was. And even now, after knowing what I was, she did not run and scream. Amazing.
"But you have to realize that hurting me to keep me from getting hurt is counter-productive. If we are going to be together-really and truly together-we have to be partners, equals. You can't decide what is best for me. We have to decide what is best for us."
She was right, again. I had been making all the decisions, making choices for the both of us. I had never really consulted her about anything. Just made the decision and followed through, cajoling her or dazzling her until she went along. I could see how she would feel inadequate or insecure in our relationship. I had never meant to make her feel like we were not equal. I was so used to doing whatever I wanted that I had overlooked her input completely. I was such an ass.
"I'm sorry Bella." I said sadly. "I didn't think of it that way. All I could see was how exposure to me and my world-the reality of what I am-was hurting you."
"I know that. And I know that you think I am in more danger around you than I am when I am away from you but you are wrong. I can't even count the number of near death experiences I had before I even moved from Phoenix. I am so pathologically clumsy it is a miracle I ever made it past ten years old. Add a heaping dose of bad luck on top of that and it is lucky that you ever met me at all."
I was appalled. Never have met her? I could not even entertain the thought, the possibility, that Bella might never have entered my life. I realized now all the little pieces of fate that had come together to form my destiny. Bella's parents divorce and separation. Our coming to Forks. Bella's selflessness to leave her mother to come live with her father. Her scent and quiet mind. All these things had brought us together. I could not imagine another century feeling as I did before Bella came along and turned my entire world upside down.
Bella continued. "All I am saying is when you chose to leave me you took it upon yourself to decide my future. And no one has that right except me. I might make mistakes, do things that hurt me physically or emotionally, but those are my mistakes to make. As much as you hate it you have to let me make those choices."
I wrapped my arms around her.
"Bella, I never wanted to do that to you. I only wanted you to have a happy life. If that meant I wasn't in it then I was prepared to make that sacrifice. Nothing is more important to me than your happiness. I want to give you everything; I don't want my presence in your life to deprive you of all those human experiences."
She pressed her face into my shoulder.
"Edward, you have given me everything, just by being with me."
I scoffed at the notion and sat back. Was she crazy? I was taking away all the human things in her life just by being around her and she thought I was giving her everything?
"Just listen. What do you think my life would have been like if I had never met you? I can tell you. I would have come here, tried to fit in with everyone, tried to be normal though I have never felt like I was. I would have lived with Charlie, graduated high school. I would not to college because I would never be able to afford it. I would have ended up working at some dead end job that robbed me of brain cells and ended up marrying someone like Mike and been miserable when he cheated on me with a waitress and ran off with her. Is that the type of life you would want me to live?"
I could not believe that she had put so much thought into this. Though I would hope that in her parallel universe, the one where I did not exist, that she would have better sense than to pick someone like Mike Newton.
"You see, I have thought about it. That is not the type of life I would want to live, not what can make me happy. You make me happy. Having a life with you, whatever that life entails-good or bad-is more important to me than anything in the world. I don't have the words to make you understand that my life began with you."
She looked up at me with a helpless expression on her face. I could tell that she was trying to express to me how much she loved me. And just like me she could not find enough words to convey the depth of her feelings. I raised her chin and kissed her lips.
"I do understand what you mean. Because I feel exactly the same way. I could never go back to my life the way it was before. I don't know how I ever existed at all before I met you. I don't even think it qualifies as an existence. My heart hasn't beat in ninety years Bella but being with you makes me feel more alive than I ever did when I was still human. I just can't stand the thought of you being hurt just because of your proximity to me. If something were to happen to you, if you"-I could barely say the word -"died, I would not be able to exist. I could never exist in a world where you did not." Thinking about her dying, of having to live without her, caused me actual physical pain. She reached up and thread her warm fingers into my hair. I closed my eyes and pressed my head into her caress. Her touch soothed me.
"Then I guess you better stick as close to me as possible Edward Cullen because the only time I am ever truly safe is when I am with you." I opened my eyes swiftly to see her smiling at me. She was right. Being by her side at all times was the best way to protect her from danger. I suddenly began relishing my job as Vampire Superhero.
I grinned at her. "I am never ever going to let you go again. I can't see how I did it the first time. And I know that not having you in my life is the worst torture imaginable." I kissed her lips before pulling away and laughing at her pout. I schooled my features before speaking.
"And I'm really and truly sorry for trying to take your choices away from you. I honestly never saw it that way. I want us to be partners-equals-in our decisions. But please understand that I will slip up from time to time. I doubt you truly understand how obsessively overprotective I am of you. You are everything to me, my whole life, my reason for living and I want to keep you around. That will lead me to do some things you find high-handed or overbearing. Just tell me when I am and we will talk about it. And I promise to listen." I smiled at her, though I meant every word. I would never give her a reason to feel like she was not my equal in our relationship.
"Don't worry I will." She said laughing. "And I promise to listen when you are being high-handed and overbearing. Just don't expect me to always agree."
"Deal." I said and kissed my angel's lips to seal it.
"So, where were we before we decided what a selfish idiot I am?" I asked, smiling.
"Talking about how to deal with Charlie I think." She said, smiling back at me. I took her left hand in mine and started playing with her fingers, one in particular, though she did not notice.
"I don't see how we are going to reintroduce you into my life without him being angry, Edward. But I am a legal adult and I can make my own choices." Yes, she could and she chose me. I smiled at the thought.
"I just don't want him to be angry with you for taking me back." I knew how important her relationship to her father was and I did not want to be the one to disrupt that.
"I can handle it if he is. I just want you to be prepared because I am sure he will say some very-well-uncomplimentary things about you and to you." No doubt about that.
"I understand, and I deserve them anyway. Have you thought about what you are going to tell him about how we got back together?" I asked.
"Actually I have. I will sound it out on you and we can make changes if we have to."
I was very interested in what her mind had come up with. She was always so full of surprises.
"Well, I had planned on telling him that while I was in Brazil with Alice and Jasper you came down to aid in their humanitarian efforts. But through some crazy miscommunication you didn't know that I would still be there. You thought that I was back in Forks. We meet up, get to talking and realize that everything that happened was a big misunderstanding and we sort it out and get back together." It sounded plausible.
"It actually sounds pretty good." I said, smiling. "What is the misunderstanding that we had?" This was the part I was interested in the most. What reason would she come up with?
"You thought that we were getting too serious too fast. You wanted to make sure that what you felt for me was real and not just infatuation. You knew your family would be leaving to go to L.A. and decided that the time apart would be good for us. I, on the other hand, thought you were telling me that you didn't love me and didn't want to be with me. So I didn't call you and you thought that I didn't want to be with you so you didn't call me either."
It made a lot of sense in the context of a teenage romance. Which I guess we were, technically anyway. With my gift I knew that silly arguments often turned into week or longer fights that ended relationships, all because a lack of communication. Charlie should see this too, I hoped.
"Deceptively simple and devious, my love. Enough truth in there so you won't have to use your atrocious lying skills. I think it will work. I will of course have to apologize to Charlie for what I put you through. But I think we can do it." I grinned at her.
"Well terrible lying skills aside, it will be hard to convince him but I think you are right, we can do it. Together."
"Together always, my love." Together. It was my mantra. I kissed her lips, giving her my love and my promise. Together, always.
We decided to give Charlie a day to hear the gossip of our return and get somewhat used to the idea. Alice and Jasper were taking Bella home. Alice had had a vision that everything would turn out fine but I desperately wanted to be there when Bella told Charlie. She should not have to do this alone. But I was overruled by both Bella and my family. Charlie should have some time with just Bella and some time to get used to our reconciliation before seeing me again.
The next day Bella called Charlie and told him that she would be home at two the next afternoon. Charlie seemed excited that Bella was home. I made the most of my last night with Bella before real life intruded. We sat in my room, listening to music, sometimes talking or just laying together. I sang her to sleep and watched her for a long time. I used this night to find the strength needed to let her go, to let her rejoin her life. It was very difficult but by morning I felt calmer, more stable. I knew that I would be able to endure my time apart from her. It would make the times we spent together that much sweeter.
Alice and Jasper loaded up her luggage and took her to her home the next day.
I watched them pull out of the driveway and decided in that moment that I could not let her be alone when she talked to Charlie. I had to be with her.
My phone buzzed at that moment.
Not a good idea, Edward. She has to do this alone, for herself and for Charlie. If you have to be there stay upstairs. It is not going to be pleasant for you so don't say I didn't warn you. Alice
I knew Alice was right. Bella needed this. She needed to feel strong. But I would be in her room. Nearby in case she needed me.
I ran to her house, easily beating them there. I listened but could find no active thoughts around me so I leapt up and into her window. I sat in the rocking chair waiting for them to arrive.
I heard the Mercedes as it drove down the street. It crunched on the gravel of the driveway and I heard the relief and joy in Charlie's thoughts when he realized that it was Bella.
I saw in Alice's mind the hug that Charlie gave Bella and heard the surprise in her laughing response. Oh he missed her so much, how sweet.
I heard them walk inside and Jasper's footsteps on the stairs. He opened the bedroom door and looked over to find me sitting in the rocking chair.
Figured you could not stay away. Alice told me that this was going to be hard on you. I hope you are ready for that.
"Ready for what?" I asked at vampire speed.
I am not entirely certain but I think you might hear some things that upset you. That is the most that I could get from Alice.
I listened in to Alice's mind but she was not thinking about her vision so I could not see what he meant. Well I would just have to deal with it when the time came.
"Thanks Jazz. I think I'll be okay."
Jasper just shrugged and put her luggage down beside her bed.
I heard Charlie asking Alice how long she was in town for and heard Alice give our decided upon story. Jasper walked out the door, no doubt feeling Charlie's emotions.
Charlie's thoughts were angry. I got a brief vision of my face and then flashing images of his gun. This was not good.
But his voice was even when he asked Alice if we all be moving back. All meaning me. Alice did not come out and say my name directly but inferred that I would be here too.
Jasper made it down to them then.
"Well Charlie I am sure that you want to catch up with Bella." Jasper said in his calm voice. "We will be going now."
Alice was protesting in her thoughts but allowed herself to be dragged away and out the door, telling Bella she would call her. It's going to be okay Bella! I heard her think.
I heard suspicion in Charlie's thoughts as Bella told him to come sit in the living room.
"Ok Bells, spill it. What is going on?" He asked sternly.
"Alright, I suppose you can guess that Edward is back in town." She said tentatively.
I heard the rage and protectiveness in his thoughts when Bella told him the story we had concocted. I heard his heartbeat accelerate dangerously high before he took several breaths to calm himself.
"So you are just going to take him back after everything that happened?"
"Dad, it was as much my fault as his!" That was very much not true but I knew that it was part of the lie.
"So while he was off gallivanting in L.A. having a grand ole' time you were here walking around like a zombie and that is not his fault?"
I had several flashes of Bella from Charlie's mind at that moment. They were clearer than any thoughts I'd had from him, possibly from the depth of his emotions. The images were somewhat indistinct though clear enough to hit me like a tidal wave.
Bella being carried in a tall man's arms, covered in leaves and mud, saying 'he's gone' over and over. Bella screaming out my name in the middle of the night. Bella staring off into nothing for hours. The lifeless way she answered any question. The dead look in her eyes when she looked at Charlie.
I grabbed at my head, pulling my hair, as the images flooded into my mind. I had no idea-none whatsoever-that my leaving would do that to her. I thought that she would get over me, move on and find a way to be happy. Not completely disconnect from her life, become a "zombie" like Charlie said. How could I have underestimated her feelings so much? I had thought once that her fragile human mind would not be able to comprehend the magnitude of my love for her but I see now I was wrong. The love that she felt for me was as strong as I felt for her. And I had taken that away. I really had crushed her like she said.
Remorse filled me, flooded my mind until I was dizzy. What had I done to her? Destroyed her. Made her a shell of her usual beautiful self. How she did not hate me with every fiber of her being was beyond me.
"So are you two back together?" I heard Charlie say. He hoped we weren't but knew what Bella's answer would be before she spoke.
"Yes, we are. Dad, I know that you don't want to hear this but I love him and he loves me. Being apart was really hard on both of us." I did not know until now how hard it had really been for her.
I heard Charlie muttering under his breath. "What the hell am I going to do with these damn over-emotional teenagers?"
"Bella, please understand that I only want you to be happy. You do look better than I have seen you look in months. You have color in your face and your eyes are alive for the first time in a long time. Seeing you the way you were when he left almost broke my heart. I don't want to ever see you that unhappy ever again. I will kill Edward if he ever causes you that kind of misery ever again. No one hurts my baby." Charlie's thoughts were so full of love and possessiveness for his only daughter.
Bella told him that I made her feel alive and promised him that I would not leave her again. I wouldn't, not now that I knew how horrible it was on both of us to be apart.
"Well you may not believe me but I was young once too. I fell in love with your Mom when we were just kids like you and Edward so I do know how crazy and out of control it can make you feel. But I mean it when I say he had better never do anything like this to you again. And I want to talk to him within the next few days. I have some things I want to say to him."
I had some things I wanted to say to him too. Apologies and promises I had to make.
I heard Bella ask him not to be too hard on me but in a perverse way I wanted him too. Bella had been so generous, so accepting of my foolish actions and I felt like I needed him to yell and scream at me. To completely hold me accountable for what I did.
It made no sense and complete sense to me at the same time.
"Thanks Dad. Love you." Bella whispered.
"Love ya too Bells." He replied. His thoughts were still unsettled but he did want Bella to be happy, no matter what that meant.
I heard Bella moving around the kitchen then the smell of human food cooking. I was still overwhelmed by what Charlie's memories had shown me. I replayed them in my mind, sadness filling me. I got up and stood in the corner near the window. Bella's footsteps got closer and she opened the door and came into the bedroom. I was instantly bombarded by her sweet scent. I did not deserve to be with some one so wonderful when all I did was hurt her.
I heard the door close behind her and she gasped when she saw me in the corner. I could not speak.
"Geez, you startled me. I didn't know you were going to be here. I thought you were going to come over later." She said. She walked over to me and put her arms around me.
I could not return her embrace. I was not worthy of her.
"Edward? What's wrong? Are you okay?" She looked into my eyes and I know she saw all the sadness and regret pouring out of me. She stepped back from the intensity. I still could not find my voice to speak. There was so much I wanted to say to her and I knew it still would not be enough.
"Edward, please tell me what is wrong. You are scaring me." Her voice was thick with worry. I could not bear it. I pulled her into my arms and rested my head against her soft hair. I needed her so much I could feel myself tremble.
"You have to tell me what is wrong, Edward. Please, I can't stand to see you like this. What has happened? Please, please talk to me." She said. The pleading tone of her voice forced me to speak.
"Oh, Bella." I said, my voice cracking. "Bella, I am so, so sorry. I didn't know-I mean I had no idea-I didn't expect you would-that it would be so hard on you." How could I have forced her to endure so much?
"Edward, what are you talking about?"
I pulled her over to the bed and sat down, drawing her into my lap. I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face in her hair, breathing her scent in deep. I needed the calm it gave me.
"I could hear in his thoughts what you went through while I was gone. I had no idea that you would suffer so much. That I was leaving you so broken. I would never have left if I had known how much you would have to endure."
She reached up and took my face in her soft warm hands. I could see tears swimming in her eyes.
"Listen to me. You cannot keep doing this to yourself. Seeing you in pain like this hurts me more than your leaving did. You have got to stop tormenting yourself with this." She lifted her lips to mine and kissed me.
"Yes, it hurt me when you left. Yes, I was disconnected from my life for a while, until I had that accident. You feel like you are to blame and in a way you are. I am not angry about the reasons why you left, only they way you did it. You only had the best of intentions. I understand that. But you have to stop this self-reproach. You feel guilty, I know that, but you have to find a way to get over it. I can't stand to see you like this."
"I deserve this pain Bella. The one thing that I never wanted to do was hurt you and in the end I hurt you more than anyone else ever could." I could hear the pain in my voice.
"And I forgive you for it Edward. Completely and wholeheartedly. You have my full and free forgiveness. I want to live in the present, not dwell in the past. We cannot move forward in our life together if we have this dragging us down."
She forgives me. My mind repeated those words over and over. She was right. There was no way we could be happy if I kept dwelling on this. I had to let it go. Focus on Bella and our future together. I looked deep into her eyes. I saw complete love and trust and understanding. She was so remarkable. I smiled at my own personal angel and kissed her. She had forgiven me and now it was time to forgive myself.
"Why do you love me so much? What did I ever do to deserve you in my life?" I asked.
The smile she gave me was glorious. "I could ask you the same question."
I could only laugh and hug her to me tightly.
Bella began to unpack her new clothes and I lay down on the bed to watch her. She moved methodically, though still somewhat clumsily, back and forth between her closet and her luggage. She stopped for a moment and turned to me.
"I'm sure you know but Charlie wants to talk to you in a few days."
"I know. I am surprised that he took it so well. Even though his thoughts were still angry with me he was resigned to the fact that we are back together. I will call him tomorrow." The sooner the better I thought.
"You know, school starts in a week. Are you ready for that?" There was apprehension in her voice and it took me a moment to determine its cause. Then I realized that all our classmates would have memories of Bella from the time that we were gone. And since Alice and I were back in school it would bring all those memories to the forefront as the gossip mongers feasted on us.
"Yes, I think I can handle it. It will be hard but having you with me in all my classes will help."
She frowned. "What do you mean all of your classes? How do you know that?"
"Well, Jazz is a computer genius and he hacked into the school database and changed my schedule." I smirked at her. Jazz could do anything with computers and it had not taken much persuasion at all to get him to change my schedule.
Bella was smiling too but then I saw it fade quickly. All the blood drained from her face and fear took its place. I was immediately alarmed.
"Bella? What's wrong? Are you ok?" I could hear the frantic note in my voice.
"All my classes? Even Gym?" her voice squeaked.
Was that why she was alarmed?
"Well, yes. Is that a problem?"
She looked at me incredulously.
"Edward, I cannot bear to have you see me in Gym class. It is bad enough to have you watch me through everyone else while I am in there. To have you there with me would be beyond humiliating."
Was that all? I loved watching her no matter what she did. Her clumsiness only endeared her to me more.
"Bella, you are being silly." I said laughing. "I think everything you do is adorable. There is no reason to be humiliated. I think your clumsiness is endearing."
She opened her mouth to reply when her cell phone went off, indicating a new text message. She opened it up and read the message, a smile forming on her lovely lips. I leaned over and read the message.
Jasper is changing his schedule now. He will have gym first period and you will have it last period. Knew Charlie would be ok with things. Talk to you soon! Alice.
Damned interfering pixie!