A/N: Please don't hate me guys. I know there's a lot of angst in these next couple chapters, but I promise it's not forever. As Kristyn would say, "It's going to get better. There's just a whole lot of complicated to get through first." Stay tuned!
When Gibbs opened his eyes the next morning, he found his arm around a beautiful redhead who was fast asleep on his chest, her body resting against him. He didn't want to move, barely changed his breathing as he lay there, now fully awake and extremely glad this wasn't a dream. Turning his head slightly, he got a glimpse of the clock - shortly after 11am. He and Jenny really weren't much for sleeping in, but these last couple weeks they seemed to have picked up the habit for weekends.
Jenny stirred on his chest and Gibbs kept still, wanting her to sleep longer so he could keep holding her like this. Yesterday's botched case still hung heavy on his mind. Rubbing a piece of Jenny's silky hair between his fingers, Gibbs remembered having to make the phone call at midnight, to tell the Gunny's wife he was sorry and that her husband was dead. Unconsciously his arm tightened around Jenny. The thought that he could've been the one getting that middle of the night phone call about his beloved wife was enough to cause his heart to skip a beat and his muscles to tense. Jenny opened her eyes.
"Jethro?" her voice sounded sleepy and confused. "What's wrong?" He was holding her as if he was afraid she might suddenly disappear. "Were you dreaming?
For the first couple months after their marriage, Gibbs would dream about Paris and remember how she left him. He'd thrash and moan, reaching for her and waking up in a panic if he couldn't feel her next to him. She used to lay as close as she could get, running her fingers through his hair, whispering into his ear that she was here, she wasn't going anywhere, she promised never to leave him again. It had hurt to watch and it was a long time before she even left the house without him, he'd been so subconsciously afraid of losing her now that they'd found each other again.
Gibbs closed his eyes, fighting off his fears of what might have been.
"That could've been you Jen," he whispered, his voice tight. "That could've been me getting that phone call to tell me you were dead." He shook his head, his eyes holding hers. "I couldn't do it again Jenny. Not another woman I love with everything I have to give gone from me."
"Jethro," she said softly, "Jethro, don't." Jenny tried to push herself up so she could sit beside him and comfort him, but he just held her tighter.
"No!" he said emphatically. "Don't get up, not yet Jen. Please, just let me hold you."
The pain in his voice hurt her. "Oh Jethro, I wasn't going anywhere." She shifted her body upwards instead, positioning her head next to his. "I'm alright honey. I'm here, I'm safe. You didn't get that phone call," she whispered into his ear, hoping to reassure.
Several minutes passed before Gibbs body began to relax as Jenny spoke the words to him over and over. He lessened his hold on her. When she thought it wouldn't bother him quite so much, Jenny rolled away from her husband and propped her head on her hand while she lay next to him, pulling her fingers softly through his hair. Gibbs closed his eyes, enjoying her touch. When she leaned down to kiss his forehead, he rolled over to face her and took her face in his hands.
"Jenny, can I?" he asked, needing more contact with her.
She smiled and nodded, leaning into the kiss. For the first time since she'd come home, Jenny's tongue touched his lips and he gladly parted them to let it in. His tongue also found the inside of her mouth: tasting her, touching her, pouring everything into the kiss. When Gibbs felt his body beginning to heat, he pulled back, but Jenny's hand on his neck kept him close.
"No," she whispered, "don't stop."
"Jen," he closed his eyes, breathing hard and fighting his desire for her, "I can't just kiss you like that."
Jenny waited for him to look at her again. Standing by the decision she'd made in the night, "Make love to me Jethro," she whispered, filled with longing but also fear.
Gibbs could see it in her eyes, that she wasn't teasing, that she meant it, that she was sure she wanted to try. Pulling her mouth back to his, he kissed his wife breathless. Jenny's hands slipped around his back as she pressed her body in close to him. Their legs entwined, their mouths connected, the only thing between them was Gibbs pyjamas and Jenny's nightgown.
He moved away from kissing her to tug on his shirt and Jenny helped him discard it, putting her hands on his bare chest for the first time in two weeks. While Gibbs struggled out of his pj pants and moved his lips from her mouth to the side of her neck, Jenny placed a row of soft kisses on her husband's warm chest, pleased when he moaned in pleasure.
Only his boxers left now but Gibbs didn't touch them yet. What little he knew about rape told him one of the reasons it was so painful was because the woman's body had no time to get ready. He wanted to make sure Jenny was ready before they moved further. He slipped his hand under Jenny's nightgown, experiencing her first resistant to his touch. She shook her head.
"No, don't," Jenny said. "Not yet. Leave it on, please."
Gibbs removed his hand. "Jenny, are you sure you want to?" It would be so hard to turn back now, but he would, if she needed it.
Jenny closed her eyes and kissed him again. "Yes. And no." She whispered against his lips. "Just tell me that you'll go slow, that you'll be gentle."
"I promise," he said. "Oh Jen, I couldn't even be anything else."
She nodded, her hands still on his chest. "Okay."
He took that as a yes and kissed her again, long and hard. On the outside of her clothes, he ran his hand all the way down her side, gazing her butt while the other stayed on her neck, to keep her close. The feel of her against him was testing his patience, he wanted more than just kisses and touches. Gibbs' hand made it's way under Jenny's nightgown again, this time to slip her panties off in one well-rehearsed motion. It didn't take long for his boxers to follow, and that's when Gibbs suddenly realized that even though this was something they both wanted, because of what had happened to her, Jenny's reaction was not likely to be all that he hoped for. When she tensed, feeling the desire in his body pressed against her, Gibbs had the fleeting thought that this first time might not be fun, but very difficult for both of them.
In an instant, everything had changed for Jenny. One moment she was kissing her husband and enjoying the feel of his touch, the next minute her body against his with only her nightgown in-between was beginning to bring back unwanted memories. Still, Jenny pressed them back. She was going to do this, she had to. The longer she waited, the worse it was going to be, at least that was the logic swirling around in her passion focused mind. She kissed her husband with more force that she'd planned, trying to use what she knew to keep the bad thoughts away. This was her husband, he loved her, she loved him, their bodies together this way was something that was supposed to happen. She had no reason to be afraid. But she wasn't sure if she could convince her mind.
Gibbs knew the next part wasn't going to be easy for Jenny, so he would do his best to be gentle and take things slow. He fingered the bottom of Jenny's nightgown, slowly sliding it up around her waist. Turning her carefully onto her back, he took his time entering and then held very still, waiting for a cue from his wife, wanting to know what she was thinking.
Even though the gentleness she felt from her husband was a far cry from the violence with which she'd been attacked, Jenny suddenly had no control over her body. Having Jethro inside her hurt and she closed her eyes and turned her head away from him, tears pricking the inside of her eyelids. It wasn't supposed to be like this, why couldn't they just be normal together? Gibbs watched her reaction, feeling pain inside him for what she was going through, and suddenly he longed to be anywhere else.
He stayed only as long as she wanted, barely a few moments and when she pushed on his chest, Gibbs moved away, all the pleasure from earlier gone between them. Jenny pulled her nightgown down to her knees, curled on her side and let the tears slide silently down her cheeks, her body shaking as she cried. Gibbs took only a moment to slip out of bed and retrieve his boxers before sliding in behind her and pulling her tight to his chest, holding her as she wept. He wasn't sure if his touch would help right now, but he wanted so badly to make all the hurt go away. And as much as he hated the sight of his wife in pain, Gibbs couldn't stop his longing for her. Two weeks was a long time to be without her this way and he really wanted to get back to them. But not like this.
Jenny lay on her side, hating herself. She cried for her body and the pain that reminded her of the bunker. She cried for herself, wondering if she would ever find pleasure in sharing her body again. She cried for Jethro, who loved her and wanted her and who was trying so hard to be everything she needed. She cried because she'd been wrong and this first time together hadn't fixed anything. Rather, it might have ruined everything. And she cried, because she was so tired of not being normal and she just wanted to go back to when she loved her husband and life was good.
NCIS
Slowly, after several moments, Jenny began to inch away from Jethro. He lay there, helplessness overtaking him as he felt the closeness they'd shared earlier slipping away.
After awhile, he got up, mumbling, "Gonna take a shower."
Jenny didn't answer, she didn't move, but he had to assume she'd heard him. Gibbs turned the shower on nice and hot and stood under the spray without moving. He sighed. This had been a mistake. After everything they'd been through, after all the information on patience and not pushing he'd been getting from every imaginable source, he should've known she wasn't ready. But was it really all his fault? Jenny knew he wanted her, knew he wouldn't be able to resist when she'd asked. On the other hand, he was the leader, the husband, maybe he should've told her it would be best to wait. It was so hard to separate his emotions from his body, his logic from the desire that coursed through him whenever she was close.
It wasn't fair! He pounded a fist against the shower wall, caught with the sudden urge to throw something. He picked up the bar of soap and rubbed it roughly over his body, wanting to erase what they had just done. What if this set them further back? What if it was a month before the next time she'd let him that close? Closing his eyes, Gibbs tried to hold onto the moment before they'd connected, the moment when they were connecting with each other just by kisses and touches, conveying love and longing all without a word or a breath. If only they'd stayed there. But he couldn't change what they'd done and he couldn't fix it.
Gibbs could feel himself withdrawing emotionally, what he always did when things got tough, just the way Jenny had physically withdrawn from him in bed. The weekends were supposed to be about them, about getting back to each other, and working on whatever wasn't going well. But now this weekend would be about feeling bad, about being frustrated with the limitations and angry at the reactions. He turned around and let the water run over his face, keeping his eyes closed. It was going to be a long weekend until he could go back to work on Monday and put his focus somewhere else. If Jenny was anywhere near him today it was going to be hard. Maybe he could take a couple hours off and go to his house. Building a boat in the basement had to be good for something. What else if not to avoid his mixed feelings about his wife right now?
When he came back out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, Jenny looked away. She was sitting up in bed now, knees folded against her chest, just staring into space. Any other time he would ask what was wrong, but there was no point when he already knew. Them was what was wrong. And just about everything else too, if they were to get specific. Before he could change, Jenny got up and hurried into the bathroom. He heard the click of the lock engaging. So there it was, she couldn't trust him. Even if it had been her idea, he should've stopped it, should've saved her from herself or some nonsense like that.
Gibbs balled up the towel and threw it with force against the room, where it hit the wall and slumped into a pile on the floor. Jerking on old jeans and a worn t-shirt that he didn't care about messing up with working on his boat, he headed downstairs to start the coffee. Noemi didn't come in on weekends, which was good, because he probably couldn't eat anything right now. He wondered if it was too early for a shot of bourbon in his coffee.
NCIS
Jenny couldn't believe she'd been so stupid. Leaning against the door, away from what others might think, she felt safe. What had she been thinking? That trying to have sex with her husband wouldn't bring up any memories of the last time, when a man had forced himself inside her? She was an idiot. Kristyn had warned her, don't rush. And what had she done? Rushed ahead like she was all-knowing and could handle it. She couldn't even look at Jethro right now. She'd played him, knowing what he wanted from her and practically begging for it so he couldn't resist.
Are you sure? he'd asked her. Yes, she said. Stupid. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Jenny reamed herself out for her actions, hating her body for betraying her, hating her mind for refusing to let go, hating everything about her messed up life right now. Things had been going good! Good moments and bad moments yes, but they'd been working on more good. And now she'd messed it all up in one horrible morning. This would not be a good weekend, rather a series of incredibly bad and even awkward moments as they both tried to deal with the ramifications of "trying."
Flipping on the shower, Jenny stuck her hand under the water, turning it hotter until she reached the limit of what she could stand. Ripping her nightgown off over her head, she stepped into the shower, welcoming the sharp sting of the hot water on her back. With jerky, angry movements, Jenny shampooed her hair and washed her body. If only that could make everything go away. When she'd rinsed, clean on the outside but definitely not on the inside where she felt dark and dirty, Jenny didn't want to get out.
Reminiscent of the beginning of the first week, she sat down at the back of the tub, folded her arms over her knees and laid her head down, while the water streamed over her face, into her ear, down her cheek and dripping off her chin. I am the worst wife ever, she thought morosely, wondering what she could do today to take her mind off her husband and what he must think of her now. Suddenly she remembered the files in her briefcase that she'd packed out of habit. Yes, today just might be the day to catch up on some excess paperwork. It was a good way to keep some distance between them until their feelings returned to normal. If they ever did, which right now, she wasn't certain of.