The Twilight characters and plot are the property of Stephanie Meyer.

Mynxi is my beta. She's real smart, and Jasper thinks that's hot!

Chapter Five

BPOV

I closed the door behind Jasper and snorted at his parting shot to stay out of trouble. Really? Trouble follows me, get used to it, I thought to myself as I walked back into my room. I sat slowly down on my bed and realized my legs were shaking slightly. My mind began to race as I tried to process everything that had happened this morning. If I had answered Jasper differently, I would be waiting on Edward right now. I knew that if I had said yes, he would have done whatever it took to get Edward here, willing or otherwise.

I was still in shock over the revelation that Edward had loved me but left me anyway. I was surprised when I noticed a slow tear sliding down my cheek. I began to direct some of my anger toward myself. I was angry at Edward for not loving me enough to stay with me, but I was angry at myself for allowing his hollow love to influence me so much.

Our relationship had been so unbalanced in so many ways. I had been so in awe of him that it had never made sense to me that he could return my feelings. Looking back, I realized that although I hadn't hesitated to give him my true opinion on things, we almost always ended up doing what he felt was right. I'm sure our "age difference" played a role in that pattern, but it was uncomfortable for me to remember how much of myself I had given up to make our relationship work. I had been so grateful for his love at the time, but the thought that I wasn't enough for him had always been in the back of my mind.

I felt another surge of anger at the memory of feeling unworthy of Edward Cullen's love. I had deserved better, but I hadn't demanded better. I gave myself a mental shake, realizing that this line of thinking was hardly useful. The past was the past and nothing would change it. My life was too dangerous to entertain the thought of ever being in another relationship, so there would be no opportunity to test my higher standards in practice. It was time to focus on the present and my plans to see Jasper again tonight.

I groaned at the thought of spending more time with him. I needed to keep my distance to preserve my ability to function when he moved on. My guess was that Jasper wasn't planning on keeping the conversation light and social tonight. I wouldn't lie to him after his honesty this morning, but I didn't want to let him too far into my headspace either. I was so relieved that I was apparently immune to his talent. It would be awful to know he was reading my volatile emotions like a book.

I also felt unsure of his motivation in seeing me again. He had seemed so surprised when I told him not to call Edward. I'm sure Jasper would have been relieved to hand me off to Edward and walk away from my problems, but now he probably felt obligated to try to help me out. As tempting as it was to run toward the prospect of a different life, I was still proud of the existence I had made for myself. I was unwilling to let anyone walk into my life and take over out of a mistaken sense of responsibility.

I heard the door to our apartment open and looked at the clock. Andy was back earlier than I had expected. He didn't operate on a schedule of course, but he usually spent the whole day out when he went to get high.

I had a feeling I was in for another uncomfortable conversation after his chat with Jasper this morning. I was surprised that Andy had acted so protectively toward me, but I could see how he might have seen Jasper as a potential threat to me. Now that the door to my past was opened to him, I didn't see him walking away from it. Despite his addiction, he was a very perceptive guy and he didn't miss much.

I wished I had asked Jasper exactly what he had told him earlier so I could be more prepared. I felt very nervous about opening this can of worms with Andy. We had settled easily into a pattern of ignoring our hard life and the histories that had landed us here. Confiding in him was going to feel strange, and I needed to organize my thoughts before he started asking questions. I didn't want to tell him anything that would put him in more danger or raise his suspicions about Jasper's nature.

I stood up as I heard his steps approach my door. I opened the door before he could knock and looked into his grey eyes. His pupils were pinpoints, but his speech was clear as he drawled out, "Well Bel-la, have time to chat?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Yes, dad," I groaned out sarcastically. "Lead the way," I said, gesturing toward the living room. We tended not to enter each other's rooms frequently, and for this discussion I wanted neutral territory. I followed him out to the living room and sat in my usual spot on the small couch.

"How was breakfast?" he asked benignly as he sat down.

"Good, thanks," I replied smoothly. "How was your fix?" I figured if we were get into the shit I'd been through, I'd come out swinging at his life a little too.

He barked a short laugh. "It was adequate, Bella. Thanks for asking." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

"So Jasper is your high school boyfriend's brother, right?"

I nodded as I swung my legs up on the couch. "Well they're adopted, but yeah. He said they're not in touch now, though," I answered.

He grimaced and looked out the window. "And Jasper's the one that fucked your life up?" he asked, not meeting my eyes.

I held my breath in shock at the question. I could only whisper as I began to answer. "No, Andy. It was an accident. Jasper was in a situation that he couldn't control and there was an accident. I wasn't seriously hurt, but Edward just couldn't get over it. He decided he was no good for me and convinced his whole family to leave." I struggled to find a way to gloss over the murders of my parents and Phil, but nothing good came to mind.

"I can't tell you about the things that happened after that or why I'm still scared, but none of it has anything to do with Jasper," I said firmly. "I'm alone because Edward left me and I'm scared because bad people want to hurt me. None of that is on Jasper, none of it. And if he told you different, then he was just wrong," I said vehemently. Andy met my eyes as I finished and raised an eyebrow at my tone.

I frowned and looked him hard in the face. "What's with the twenty questions, Andy? I'm not saying I won't play, but I don't get why the curiosity all the sudden."

He played idly with a hole in his jeans. "That's fair, Bella. I know we've been pretty hands off up 'til now, but I think we both know we've got each other's backs." My expression softened slightly at his words.

"When I heard you in there with a guy this morning, I was afraid you were in a bad situation again. Bella, I felt terrible because I realized that you could be in trouble and I wouldn't know because we don't talk about shit and I know you won't ask anyone for help."

I felt an ache in my chest as I realized how much I had made him worry. I rushed to reassure him. "Oh Andy, I would ask for help. If I was in trouble like that, I would come to you," I said quickly. "I'm sorry I've made you worry by keeping to myself. But Andy, the people who are after me, they're vicious, and the less you know about me, the safer you are," I said sadly.

He rubbed his face absently and I noticed how tired he looked. "OK, Bella. I won't push you for extra details about the past. Just know that if you need me, I'm here. Jasper seemed like a decent guy and I think he has good intentions, but you need to remember he's not your only friend."

He met my eyes again as he finished speaking and I was struck by the dark circles under them. He began to scratch his arm and I glimpsed several fading track marks along his vein. He noticed me looking at pushed his sleeve back into place. I knew he'd be leaving again soon to either get high or find money to get high with.

I forced myself to speak up while we were being direct with each other. "Andy, you know I don't judge and I don't push, but I've noticed how much more you're using the last few months. And you need to know that if you need me, I'm here," I said as he stood up.

He flashed the trace of a smile at me, but his eyes were sad. "Thanks Izzy," he sighed. "I'm just doing what I have to do to get through the day." He shrugged into his coat and walked out the door.

I realized I had forgotten to tell him I was going to Jasper's tonight and got up to write him a note. If I didn't do it now, I might forget, and I didn't want to cause Andy any more unnecessary worry. He didn't keep close tabs on me, but he knew I didn't work tonight and he would worry if he came back late and I wasn't home.

I finished the note and taped it to his bedroom door. I wandered into my room and tried to decide what to do until this evening. I decided to get out of the apartment while it was still early since I didn't know when Jasper would be back. I grabbed my cigarettes and my jacket and headed out the door. I planned to scan the subway station for a Sunday New York Times in good shape to help me kill some time.

I lit up as I left the building, coughing on the first drag. I realized I hadn't smoked at all since yesterday afternoon before work. I hadn't felt the need for the camouflage while I was with Jasper. I shook my head at my complacency. I needed to force myself to stay alert and not rely on Jasper to protect me. Dangerous waters, Bella, I warned myself as I walked. I scanned the busy street for suspicious sunglasses on this cloudy day. I knew looking was an exercise in futility, but I did it anyway. By the time I saw Victoria, it would be too late for me.

I headed down the steps to the subway station checking the benches and garbage cans for discarded newspapers or magazines. This was my library now since I didn't have an ID that matched an address. Sometimes I would luck out and find an abandoned book, but that was a rarity. Aside from my parents, the thing I missed most about my old life was books. I spied a stack of papers on the last bench on the platform and smiled. Jackpot! Sunday Time in excellent condition. Most of the sections appeared to be untouched. I snagged it and headed back up the steps to the street.

I hurried back to my building, eager to get out of the cold air. I clambered up the steps and let myself into the apartment. I chucked my shoes and coat and curled up in bed with the paper. I planned to read it front to back, enjoying every moment. This was my way to stay connected to the world outside my bubble of self preservation.

I woke with a start, peeling the crumpled newspaper off my face. I quickly checked my clock, relieved to find it wasn't quite evening yet. I rarely napped during the day, but the emotional upheaval of this morning had clearly taken its toll on my energy level. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my hair into better order. I sighed, trying to think of something productive to do. I almost hated my days off. I never felt safe outside and there wasn't enough in the apartment to keep me occupied.

I heard a knock at the door and couldn't stop the smile from crossing my lips. I couldn't deny that I was looking forward to getting out of the apartment, even if it meant more tense conversations with Jasper. I walked quickly to the door and checked the peep hole.

Jasper was waiting patiently in the hallway. He was wearing jeans and a black leather jacket. His pale skin stood out against the dark coat. He looked like a rebel angel standing in my hallway. His amber eyes met mine through the small peep hole and I started. I felt a rush of embarrassment at staring at him while he knew I was behind the door, and rushed to open it. "Sorry Jasper! Come on in," I gasped out.

I tried to control my gawking as his face lit up with a smile and he walked toward me. He was always perfectly gorgeous in the usual vampire way, but when he smiled he was just breathtaking. I forced myself to stop staring like a fangirl and focus. The last thing I needed was for him to think I was crushing on him.

He walked through the open door. "No problem, Bella. Did you have a good afternoon?"

JPOV

I typed Bella's name into the search field while I repeated the information to Jenks. "That's right, Isabella Swan. I want every detail of the investigation into her disappearance and the murders of her parents," I said firmly. "I mean every detail, Jenks. Every theory, every lead they're checking. I want to know where they're looking and how hard they're looking."

"Yes sir, Mr. Whitlock," Jenks replied quickly. "It will probably take me a week or so to find a way to get at the information, but I'll get it done."

"The sooner the better, Jenks, but make sure you do it clean. The last thing I want is to attract any more police interest on this matter," I said forcefully while I scanned the hits that came up on my search.

"Yes sir, you can expect my normal attention to details," he said with a trace of irritation.

I smiled into the phone. Jenks was my go to guy. I went to him when I needed new IDs, information, anything I couldn't easily accomplish myself. I had employed several similar people over my years as a Cullen, but Jenks was becoming my favorite. He had a healthy, natural fear of me, but he didn't kiss my ass. He hadn't let me down so far, but helping Bella was going to be a challenge.

"Mr. Whitlock, do you want me to get someone to follow the girl herself?" he asked in a more polite tone.

"Not necessary, I'm where I can keep an eye on her and the fewer people who know where she is the better," I replied. I had given Jenks bare bones details about Bella, but no explanation about my interest. I knew he would be curious about the assignment to investigate a missing teenage girl, but he wouldn't ask unnecessary questions. He knew the deal. I paid him extremely well, but I expected absolute discretion in return.

"OK, sir. I'll be in touch with you at this number when I have any information to pass on."

"Wait, one more thing, Jenks." I read him off the address of Bella's building. "Find out who owns this building and do whatever the hell it takes to get them to turn the fucking heat on," I said in a hard voice.

"I'm on it," he replied quickly.

"Thanks, Jenks. I'll be waiting to hear from you on the rest of it," I said before hanging up.

I clicked on the most promising hit on Bella. I skimmed the article on her disappearance and the tragic deaths of her entire family. It was two years old, written just after she left Forks. The article stated that police had no theories on the motive behind the crimes. There was a brief interview with one of the Quileute elders who had been friends with Charlie. He pleaded briefly but eloquently for Bella's return.

I found a few other more recent articles, but all were brief and contained no new information. I sighed as I closed the window and turned away from my desk. I made a mental list of things I could do to help Bella, discarding options that would probably step on her toes. I wanted nothing more than to take her away from this mess, set her up in a safe place, send her to college and watch from nearby while she lived out the rest of her life. I knew that was completely unrealistic, but it eased my guilt a little to daydream about it.

I focused on the few small things that I could accomplish immediately. I had planned to have Jenks get to work on a better fake ID for Bella, but I had forgotten to ask what name she was currently using. It was obviously some variation of Isabella since she was going by Izzy, but I had no clue about what surname she had chosen. I would have to try to weasel it out of her tonight so I could get Jenks on it tomorrow. A good fake would at least ensure that she didn't blow her cover if she ever drew any official attention.

She also needed clothes and a warm coat, but I was unsure how to get her to accept gifts from me. I remembered she had hated getting gifts back in Forks. I could only imagine how defensive it would make her now. I knew that she took pride in her independence, but I wanted so badly to make her life easier. I ground my teeth as I thought about her job. I remembered how exhausted she had been after working and how long her commute home had been. I hated the thought of her having to deal with more assholes at work.

I forced myself to table that thought for later as I stood up. I grabbed my car keys and headed to the garage. I hoped traffic wouldn't be bad on the LIE. I needed to hunt and get back to Bella. I was worried that she might be talking herself out of seeing me. It was a good thing I had arranged to pick her up, or she might have backed out. I smiled to myself as I thought that she would probably be backing out anyway if she had a way to reach me.

My smile faded to a slight frown as I added a cell phone to the list of things she needed. I didn't even want to think about the argument that would ensue when I brought it up. I climbed into my slate colored Porsche Cayenne and started it up. It wasn't flashy, but it was an awesome ride. All the bells and whistles and really fast, just what I needed. I pulled out of the garage and onto the relatively quiet streets. I made my way to the Queensboro Bridge and onto the LIE.

Traffic wasn't bad, so I made it to a relatively unpopulated area quickly. There were lots of large properties surrounding mansions of the rich and famous. I quickly took down a couple of deer and got back in the car to head back to my building.

I reached my garage, parked the car, and headed upstairs to the apartment. I jumped in the shower, enjoying the warmth of the water from the surrounding shower heads. I knew it was bad to waste water, but this was a luxury I couldn't give up. I finally forced myself to turn the water off and got out of the huge shower stall. I dried off and went to my closet. I grabbed a long sleeved T shirt and a pair of jeans.

I knew Alice would have despised my current wardrobe, but I felt most at home in a comfortable shirt and a pair of jeans. I had never minded letting Alice choose my clothes, but I had to admit that it was nice to dress to my own taste now. I knew Bella wouldn't mind me not dressing up and the thought made me smile. I grabbed my jacket and keys and headed out the door, eager to get to Bella's.

Sunday afternoon traffic was still light and I made good time to Bella's neighborhood. I parked my car on the street. I hoped no one would steal it while I was inside, since Bella's area wasn't great and my car was tempting. I made my way into her building and to her door. I realized it was just late afternoon and hoped she was there since I hadn't specified a time.

I knocked on the door and heard her footsteps approaching. I assumed she was cautiously checking the peep hole, although she knew full well if Victoria knocked on her door the lock wouldn't stop her. I kept waiting, surprised at how long it was taking. I looked toward the peep hole and caught a flash of movement as I heard her move to open the door.

She sounded breathless as she apologized. I smiled at her, unsure of what she was apologizing for. She stared at me for a moment before she shifted her body for me to walk through the door.

"No problem, Bella. Did you have a good afternoon?" I asked.

She smiled slightly. "It was OK. I read the paper and took a little nap." She waved a hand at her outfit and raised an eyebrow. "Am I dressed alright?" she asked softly.

I nodded as I answered. "Yeah, you'll do," I said nonchalantly. I cracked a smile as her eyebrow rose even higher. "Kidding, kidding, Bella!" I rushed to placate her before she got too pissed. "You're fine. I thought we could grab something simple for you and just go back to my place. No dress code on Sunday nights," I couldn't resist adding. Her eyebrow stayed up and she gave me a death glare before a genuine smile spread across her face. I was struck by how her smile changed her entire face, lighting it and erasing the worry that usually shadowed her eyes.

She grabbed her jacket and we headed out the door. I was relieved when I saw my car sitting where I had parked. Bella had moved ahead of me and was heading down the street back toward the subway station. I reached out and gently grabbed her arm. "I drove over, Bella. I'm parked right over there," I said as I guided her into a U turn.

She looked at me in surprise. "You have a car in Manhattan? Who needs a car here, Jasper?"

I rolled my eyes at her playfully. "I don't exactly feel like taking the LIRR every time I need to hunt, Bella."

She giggled as I led her to the car and opened the door for her. "I guess that makes sense, Whitlock," she said, as I got into the driver's seat.

She buckled her seat belt and leaned back into the soft cushions. "Pretty nice ride, Jasper. Not that I would expect anything less," she teased.

"I can't deny it, I'm accustomed to a fast car after my years with the Cullens," I replied easily. I watched her face, concerned that mentioning their name would upset her, but she showed no signs of distress. I was glad she was handling everything so well, but life had obviously taught her to roll with the punches.

I started the car and pulled quickly onto the street. She gasped slightly and grabbed the armrest as we moved. "Take it easy, Jasper, I haven't been in a car in a long time!" she blurted out.

I grimaced as I remembered Edward mentioning her dislike of fast driving. "Sorry, Bella. I didn't think about it," I apologized. "I won't be going fast here in the city anyway. Too much traffic," I complained jokingly.

"It's OK, I just don't want to get car sick and destroy this fancy ass upholstery," she said primly.

I found myself smiling again at her sharp humor. "Do your worst, Miss Swan. This hunk of junk came with an interior protection plan," I joked back. She rolled her eyes before turning away to look out the window.

"It's Miss Sanders now," she said softly after a minute. "Isabel Sanders. I kept my old initials to keep it easy to remember," she continued. I nodded my head although she was still looking intently out her window.

"Smart thinking, Bella. It's always good to keep it simple when you choose an alias," I said matter-of-factly. She nodded briefly but didn't reply.

I made sure to drive smoothly and avoid sudden braking as we headed toward my building. Bella kept her eyes on the changing scenery and didn't speak any more. Her heart rate was a little fast and I realized she was nervous, but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. It seemed we were both accustomed to the quiet and didn't feel the need to talk for the sake of noise. I parked in my garage and got out to open her door as she unbuckled her seat belt.

"Thank you," she said quietly as I gave her my hand to help her off the seat. We both paused as the tranquility flowed between our hands. "Oh," she whispered softly, closing her eyes. I looked down at our clasped hands, mine hard and cold, hers warm, soft and pulsing with life.

"Yeah, that's something else," I whispered back. She opened her eyes and I saw hesitation flicker in them. I started to pull my hand away, but she tightened her grip and stood up. I looked down at her tiny frame and was struck by the powerful desire to take care of her, to chase the shadows from her eyes.

I reluctantly began to move away, but I was shocked when she left her hand in mine and moved to my side. I stared at her and she gave a tiny smile. "Life is hard, Jasper. This feels good, so what the hell," she said, shrugging. "Unless it bothers you?" she asked, looking up at me. I shook my head quickly.

"No, Bella, it doesn't bother me at all. I was just surprised," I explained as I began to walk us toward the garage exit. "It does feel good, doesn't it?" I asked rhetorically.

Her smile widened and she nodded her head. "Are you ready to eat, Bella? There are a couple of places a few blocks over. Or we could head upstairs until you're hungry," I offered.

"I could eat now," she said quickly. "My breakfasts have just about worn off," she quipped.

"OK, you'll need to choose your dinners then," I teased her. "You have a choice of pizza, sandwiches or sushi in this neighborhood."

"Damn, Jasper. For someone who doesn't eat you know a lot about where the food is around here!" she laughed.

"What?" I retorted in an outraged tone. "So I look at the signs on the street as I walk by and listen to people making lunch plans! I'm just observant," I defended myself as she laughed at me.

She began to swing our hands back and forth gently as we walked. I'm not sure she even noticed she was doing it. It was nice to see her relaxed as we walked and I was glad she apparently trusted me enough to let down her vigilance.

"You still haven't chosen where you want to eat," I reminded her as we approached the first restaurant.

"Definitely pizza," she said enthusiastically. She released my hand as we entered the pizza place. I felt the calmness rush away and noticed that she shivered at the same time. It seemed like the weird peace connection we shared grew more intense the longer we were in contact. We approached the counter and waited in the line to order.

"Do you want to eat here or take it back to my place?" I asked her as we waited. She turned away from the counter to look at me.

"It'll taste a lot better if I eat it here," she said hesitantly. "You know, hot out of the oven and all."

"That's fine with me, Bella. No smelling pizza for a week in my apartment," I reassured her. She looked confused at my reply. "Our sense of smell isn't just targeted at humans," I whispered to her. Her eyes widened and I worried that I had frightened her somehow.

"You would really smell it for a week if I ate there?" she asked incredulously.

I shrugged as I answered. "I don't know, give or take a day. I was just teasing though. It's no problem if you want to eat in my apartment, Bella," I reassured her.

"No thanks, Jasper. Wouldn't want to torture your sensitive olfactory glands," she quipped as she moved up to order. She grabbed her beverage and we moved to an empty table to wait on her pizza.

I watched her play with the bottle cap to her Coke. She fidgeted in her seat and I wondered what had made her tense again. I missed my ability to read her emotions. She seemed to be moving back and forth between enjoying herself and feeling anxious.

I decided to try to get her talking again in hopes of easing her tension. "Anything good in the paper today?" I asked lightly.

She looked up and shook her head wryly. "Wouldn't know. I passed out on the second page," she answered easily. "I'll have to catch up tomorrow. Good thing nothing much changes, I guess," she said as she reached for her Coke.

Her pizza arrived and I enjoyed watching her savor the smell. I watched with interest as she dug into the greasy looking mess that was her dinner. She was clearly enjoying it, even moaning in delight after the first bite. I couldn't imagine what it would taste like.

"Is it good?" I asked in disbelief. Her eyebrows shot up.

"Of course it's good. It's pizza, Jasper. New York pizza at that," she said emphatically. "There's no better pizza in America," she said waving her slice at me.

"What does it taste like?" I asked, trying to understand the attraction.

Her eyes widened. "Holy shit! You never got to taste pizza, Jasper? You missed out!" she said loudly. She caught herself and looked around to make sure no one had overheard her. I laughed softly at her.

"No foul, Bella, no one's listening," I teased her. "And to answer your question, no, I never had the pleasure of that culinary experience," I said lightly. "No pizza joints in my time." She nodded briefly and went back to sucking down melted cheese. She ate the small pizza quickly and finished her drink. I picked up the trash and threw it away.

"All set?" I asked her as I returned to the table.

"Sure," she answered. "Time to take me to the penthouse, Jasper," she said as she stood up. I looked down quickly, but she caught me trying to avoid her. "It is a penthouse, isn't it?" she asked smugly. I just nodded at her. "No shame, Jasper," she teased. "Like I said about your car, I'd expect nothing less." She started out of the restaurant and I followed her smiling.

Darkness had fallen while she ate and the wind had picked up. She shivered as we headed back down the street to my building. I shrugged out of my jacket and laid it over her shoulders. The street was dark and quiet and no one was likely to notice my lack of outerwear.

"Sorry it isn't warmed up, but at least it's another layer," I said quietly. She shrugged her arms into the leather jacket. It dwarfed her and she pushed the sleeves up to allow her hands out.

"Thanks, it's great," she replied.

She continued walking quietly, but I was pleasantly surprised when her little hand reached out and grasped mine. I heard her sigh as I felt the peace flow between us. We headed into the lobby of my building. I nodded at the night guard on duty. He raised a hand in reply but didn't speak. The building had a reputation for discretion which had been a big selling point to me. We entered the elevator still holding hands and rode to the top in comfortable silence.

I let go of her hand as I pulled my key out and opened the door. She followed me in and let out a low whistle. "Yep, this is about what I expected, Jasper," she said quietly. She walked further into the apartment and looked at the modern furnishings. Her eyes lit up when she saw the kitchen and she walked in to investigate. "Oh what I could do in here," she said reverently as she eyed the high end appliances and granite countertops. "Let me know if you plan on spending a week out of town, I'll cook up a storm," she teased turning toward me.

"You have an open invitation, Bella," I said gently. Her eyes tightened slightly.

"Not necessary, Jasper. I manage to feed myself on a regular basis," she said as she looked away. I sighed in frustration as I watched her shut down again. I reminded myself how isolated she had been for the last two years and resolved to be more patient with her mood swings. I followed her into the living room and reached to help her out of the jackets she was wearing.

She didn't speak but moved to sit down on the couch. It was a big overstuffed monstrosity that didn't really fit with the décor, but I insisted on having a comfortable place to sit and read. "Nice couch," she whispered.

"Thanks, I picked it myself," I said as I sat next to her. "It was comfortable and I knew Alice would have hated it," I teased.

A little smile crossed her face at my joke. "No ragging on the ex, Jasper. It's in bad taste," she said without heat. I rubbed my shirt sleeves absently as I struggled to think of something to lift her mood.

I heard a gasp and looked up at Bella. "What's wrong?" I asked quickly.

She looked sheepish. "Oh nothing. I just noticed we have matching scars," she said holding up her arm. I looked down and noticed that one of the many crescent shaped scars on my arm was visible. "I didn't know you guys could get scars," she continued. "How'd you get it?" she said reaching out for my arm. She turned my arm toward the light to look closer and caught a glimpse of the many overlapping scars that covered most of my body.

"Jasper, what happened to you," she whispered as she pushed my sleeve up further.

I laid my hand over hers to stop her. "I got it the same way you got yours, Sweetheart," I said, the endearment slipping out. "It's a long story, Bella, but the short answer is that I got bitten by a lot of vampires."

Her heart raced and she looked at me with huge eyes. "Tell me the long story, Jasper. I want to know." I slowly moved our hands off my arm. She made no move to take her hand away, so I squeezed it lightly and sighed. I let the peace wash over me and began speaking.

I told her of the memories I had of my human life as a rising star in the Confederate Army. I told her about meeting Maria and how I was turned. I explained the horror that was my existence for those long years in the South. I mentioned Peter and how he had returned and offered me a more peaceful life in the North.

I briefly described the depression that continued to plague me after I left Maria and my attempt to limit my feeding on humans. I noticed my voice sounded flat, similar to the way she had spoken when she told me her story. I described meeting Alice and the relief I had felt when she explained her vision of the Cullens.

"You pretty much know it from there, Bella. I embraced the idea of their lifestyle, but I struggled with my bloodlust after my century of feeding on humans. So much of their energy was devoted to keeping me in line," I sighed, shaking my head.

I released her hand and leaned forward over my knees, lost in a thousand bad memories. I didn't notice her moving and was shocked when I felt her hand over mine on my leg. She had moved closer to me and I savored the warmth from her little body pressing into my side. I felt the peace from our contact, but it couldn't block my shame.

I didn't look at her as I spoke. "I don't know how you sit in the same room as me, Bella. I attacked you and ruined your life. I've told you about the countless lives I've taken, human and vampire alike, and here you sit as if I'm not a monster."

I felt her slide off the couch, but she didn't move her hand from on top of mine. She knelt on the floor in front of me and looked up into my face. She was trembling slightly and I could hear her rapid heart rate.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you, Jasper," she said. I began to shake my head at her, apologizing to me when I was the one guilty of unspeakable things. She saw I was about to interrupt and cut me off.

"You know when you told me not to call myself a whore?" she asked quickly. I nodded at her, unsure where she was leading the conversation. "Well, I don't want to hear you call yourself a monster. Those are things that you did, Jasper. They aren't who you are, and they don't define you," she said firmly. I opened my mouth, but no words came.

"And another thing," she continued. "You tried to attack me. Your family stopped you; you never laid a finger on me. Nothing you did injured me," she said in a louder voice. "If Edward hadn't pushed me into that stupid table, I wouldn't have had a scratch," she finished. I was startled when she giggled. "Well, I guess I did have a scratch, since that caused the whole mess," she said, shrugging her shoulders.

"Anyway, my point is this. I can't take away the guilt you feel because your instincts took over that night. I don't blame you for it and I'll tell you I forgive you if that's what you need to hear," she said as she squeezed my hand. "But you have no responsibility for the rest of it. Edward chose to leave me, not you. Victoria chose to kill my family, not you. You don't own that, they do."

Her voice vibrated with sincerity and her eyes shown with unshed tears. I was struck by the strength and wisdom packaged into the little woman kneeling in front of me. I reached down and moved her up to sit on the couch as I slid to the floor, reversing our positions. I held both her hands as I finally found the words I needed to say.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," I began with a sigh. A brief smile tugged at my lips as she began to interrupt and I put my finger up. "Let me finish," I scolded gently. She nodded and I continued. "You can't forgive me until I apologize. So I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry I lost control that night and tried to kill you. I'm grateful that you forgive me, but I think I'll always feel responsible," I said slowly.

She sighed in frustration and looked away. "OK, then we're going to have to agree to disagree," she said stubbornly. "I can't tell you what you're not ready to hear," she finished, tugging on my arm gently. I guessed that she was trying to get me off the floor, so I moved back to the couch. She reached out and took my arm again, looking closely at the overlapping scars. She pushed my sleeve up further to see more and I didn't move to stop her, just enjoying the warmth of her touch on my skin.

I watched her eyes as she began to trace the feathery pattern gently with a finger. I was unable to guess her thoughts as she frowned. I'd been living with my scars for a long time and wasn't too sensitive about them, but Alice and my "family" had just ignored them for the most part. It felt odd for someone to look at them so intently, and it was shocking to feel someone touching them so deliberately.

"Did it hurt?" she finally asked, frowning even more. "I remember the pain when James bit me. Did it hurt like that every time they bit you?" she continued.

I shook my head to reassure her. "No, Bella. It doesn't cause that excruciating pain to another vampire. It stings like hell, but it's nothing like being turned."

"Good," she whispered as she moved away to recline on the couch. "I was thinking that they make kind of a beautiful pattern. Almost like body art," she said absently as she settled back. I gave a short laugh. Mentally I was reeling at her statement that the physical reminders of my past were beautiful.

"I've never thought of it like that Bella. Vampire tattoos, I'll make a fortune," I teased, trying to lift the somber mood.

She smiled and raised her eyebrows in a silent question. "I'm not ready to go home yet, do you have any movies?" she asked.

I nodded, glad she didn't want to leave yet. "Sure, Bella. You can choose a DVD, or if you want something new, we can order it off the cable box.

She gave a small smile. "You choose something, Jasper. I haven't seen a movie in so long, anything will be good."

"OK," I replied as I stood up.

I picked the first thing I touched, the most recent James Bond film. I heard her stand while the movie loaded. "Where's your bathroom, Jasper? I'm going to christen it for you," she teased. I showed her where it was and waited in the kitchen. She came out a few minutes later.

"Are you thirsty, Bella?" I asked as she headed to the couch. "I didn't think to pick anything up for you, but I do have water and glasses."

"Water's great. Thanks," she said as she stifled a yawn. I filled a glass and brought it to her. She took a few sips and then reclined back onto the couch. I tossed her a pillow and she placed it under her head and turned on her side. We both watched as the movie started, but within fifteen minutes I could tell from her regular breaths that she was sleeping. I was unsure how she would feel about staying here and decided I'd better ask her to avoid incurring her wrath in the morning. I moved over and gently nudged her.

"Bella, do you want me to take you home? You can sleep in my bed if you want to stay, but I'm glad to drive you home if you want."

She barely opened her eyes as she muttered, "Here's fine." I helped her stand up and she leaned heavily on me as I led her to my bedroom. It was awkward because her head barely reached my chest, so I scooped her up and carried her quickly into the room, sitting her on the edge of the bed.

"I'll grab you a t-shirt if you want," I offered as I moved to my dresser. She just nodded sleepily so I grabbed a long sleeved shirt for her. I tossed it to her gently and she stood up and walked slowly into my bathroom to change. I turned down the bed for her, thinking that it was the first time it would be used.

She stumbled out of the bathroom and I caught her easily. I guided her toward the bed and she climbed in. I tucked the covers around her as she snuggled into the down pillows. "Good night, Bella," I whispered.

" G'night, Jasper," she barely mumbled back. I smiled as I walked out of the room, listening to her steady breathing.

I grabbed the book I had been reading before running into Bella at the bar and settled down to read. Several hours passed before I heard her heart rate pick up. I was already standing when I heard her cry out. "No!" I rushed into the bedroom as she continued to cry "No, No," over and over. Her body was still, but she was obviously having another powerful nightmare. I gently lifted her limp frame into my arms and rocked her for a moment. "Wake up, Bella. It's a dream," I said firmly. She opened her eyes slowly, clearly startled to find herself in my arms.

"OK, now?" I asked as she frowned at me. She nodded and I let her lay back down. I wrapped the comforter back around her and moved to stand up.

"Stay with me?" she asked softly.

"Sure, Sweetheart," I answered. "I'll be right back." I retrieved my book from the couch and settled in next to her on the bed. I felt her hand inching toward me so I reached out to meet hers under the covers. Her breathing settled as the tranquility washed over us and she drifted back to sleep while I held her hand for the second night in a row.

LONG ASS AN-

LIE= Long Island Expressway- major highway from Manhattan out to Long Island. Often resembles a parking lot.

LIRR= Long Island Railroad- commuter rail from Manhattan to Long Island.

Sorry for the slightly longer wait on this update, mynx and I have been really busy in real life. Thanks for your patience!

Mynxi, thanks for all that you do! You've taught me so much in our month together! You just rock!

Thanks for all the alerts and favorites and most of all, the lovely reviews! We busted 100 after the last posting! They really make my day, I love knowing what you think!

So we moved into more present tense, how did I do? Let me know!

OK, now for a tiny bit of bad news. I'm going out of town with my 2 small children for 10 days. I will be working on the next chapter, but I anticipate slow going! We may be looking at 2 weeks for the next update. I'll do my best to make that shorter, but no promises! I am 100% committed to finishing this fic out to its end, I promise I won't drop off the face of the earth!