Chapter 5
Strength
Rachel started her car and drove away without looking one last time at Finn who stood still not so far from the car She knew if she did that she would have forgotten her resolutions and she would have jump at his neck, kiss him, forgive and forget, but she knew she had to stick to what she had decided during her sleepless night the night before. She forced herself to remain impassive. She had to refrain herself even more when she saw a shadow, far behind the car, running after it. Even if she wanted to remain cold as ice, her heart was melting. She slowed down but regained her composure before stopping completely.
"I have to stay strong, even if it is the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. I've taken a good decision regarding this situation, it's time I start to think a little bit more with my head, and not only out of love for him." She said, trying to focus on the road and not on the silhouette that was now walking behind her car in the middle of the road.
Never in her life had she done something that hard, saying goodbye to her first love, even if she knew it would be short-term separation. It was the best thing for them. She could relearn how to live without her favourite boy and he would be able to sort out the feelings he had for her. She believed him went he said he loved her but, quite frankly, she always thought that she loved him more than he loved her. Furthermore, he had some thinking to do about Santana and other things to sort up even if he wasn't even aware of them yet. She knew what he did would have consequences and he needed to face them on his own. She would gladly help him if he'd asked her but he needed to learn through it, even if it was painful, in the same way she would have to learn things on her own. It would be a tough road but, a necessary one for both of them.
She tried to stay focused, looking straight in front of her but she had have difficulty concentrating on the road with all of thoughts going on in her mind. Usually, music did calm her but the only cd she had in her car was a homemade cd of all the songs they sang together, on or off the glee club. She knew it would be better if the cd stayed where he was. She needed to stay true to her vows, not seeking even more into depression listening to the best moments of her life. Although, she really needed to calm herself, so she turned on the radio. She continued to drive until the next red light. Then, she got struck by the song.
She stayed there, unable to press on the accelerator or to make a single move, her hand clutching tightly the steering wheel until she heard be loud horn. She regained consciousness and looked at the light, it was now green. She asked herself how long she has been there. She didn't know. She was so caught in the song that she had lost track of time. She drove a little bit further and parked her car along the road, captivated by the song filling the air.
She sank deep into her seat and took the lyrics in, swallowing them. Quickly, tears appeared on her cheeks and she let them fall freely. Few seconds later the song ended but she stayed there like she had been hit by a train. She had drunk the lyrics and it tasted so much like Finn's lips. The song left her heavyhearted and she had to do something about it or she would die, drowning in her tears. She had to deal with it, deal with it Rachel Berry's way. She knew exactly what she had to do.
She started her car and accelerated quickly. She went home as fast as she could, burning 2 red lights and a stop. Once there, she parked the car in the driveway and ran to the door. She opened it, went upstairs, took her camera and tripod in her wardrobe, came back downstairs and got out of the house. She got back into her car and settled the camera and the tripod next to her in the passenger seat. She fastened her belt and put the key in the switch to start the engine. Her phone suddenly rang as the engine started. She looked the id on her phone and found it was Puck calling. She decided to take the call, even thought she was in a hurry. After all, she didn't thank him for last night. She pressed on the talk button and Puck spoke first.
"Are you ok Berry" he said, concern in his voice.
"I've been better, but I will survive, thanks for your concern and thank you for last night" she added gently.
"I wasn't going to get another jew doubled with most talented singer lose her mind by herself" he said, trying to sound comforting.
"Thanks Puck, I really appreciate it but I don't have much time, I need to go somewhere." She said expeditious
"Where?" asked Puck curious.
Rachel wasn't sure she wanted to tell Puck about her plan but she finally decided to trust him.
"School" replied Rachel in a hurry.
"Why are you going there? What do you have to do that's so important that you have to go to school during the holiday?" asked Puck.
"Sing. I have to sing." said Rachel.
"Can't you sing at home?" he replied.
"Actually I can't but I'll tell you why another day. I really have to go."
Rachel was expecting Puck to say goodbye but he surprised her.
"Ok. I'm meeting you there, you sound quite intense. I won't let you go alone." He replied, promptly.
"I think you're right, maybe I shouldn't be alone right now. Meet me in the parking lot in 10 minutes." said Rachel before hanging up throwing her phone in the passenger seat.
She started the car and went in direction of William McKinley High School.
She entered the parking lot and went parking her car in her usual spot. She got off and went to the passenger's side to get her stuff. Then, she saw a car entering the parking lot and stopped a few meters from her car. The engine of the other car stopped and Puck got off and went straight to Rachel.
"Let me help you." he said taking the tripod from her.
"Thanks Puck" she said half smiling.
"So, you want to do this here, in the parking lot." He said, in a suggestive way.
"No, I have to get into the auditorium." answered Rachel very seriously.
"You know the doors are closed, right" he replied, unsure.
"Yeah, but there must be someone inside, a security guard, who can open the doors for me and let me spend few minutes in, that's all I need." said Rachel, sounding quite desperate.
"You really need to get in?" asked Puck.
"Yes Puck, It's a matter of life and dead." She said almost crying.
"Ok. Let bad ass Puck help you out. There's a door I can easily unlock with a pin, but we will have to be careful." said the bad boy smiling at the thought of breaking laws.
Rachel followed Puck quietly to a door near the gymnasium. Puck succeeded quite easily to unlock the door as promised. Then, they both walked slowly and noiseless until they reach the unlocked auditorium doors. They made their way to the stage, getting on it. Puck opened the lights and Rachel placed the tripod in front of her. As she was going to push the record button, Puck came near her and took the camera of the tripod.
"Don't you think it would better if I film it." asked Puck.
"I would certainly make the sequence more moving, more reel." replied Rachel, smiling at Puck. She didn't know that Puck could be so thoughtful.
"When you're ready, Berry, 1-2-3, action..." said Puck filming her.
Rachel stayed there a couple of seconds, eyes closed. She took a deep breath and reopened her eyes. Then, lost in the moment and in the emotions the song made her feel, she saw Finn sitting on the front row. She wanted to sing to this imaginary Finn what she felt but couldn't say, not yet. Then, she opened her mouth and her voice filled the room and she emptied her heart on the stage like she so loved to do.
The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies, my love,
To the dark and the empty skies.
The first time ever I kissed your mouth
And felt your heart beat close to mine
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love
That was there at my command.
And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last till the end of time my love
It would last till the end of time my love
The first time ever I saw your face, your face,
your face, your face
She sang the song whishing that, one day, she could really sing it to him.
Song : First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Roberta Flack