Twilight characters and plotline are the property of Stephanie Meyer.
Sorry for the slight delay in posting. I'm hoping you'll think it was worth the wait ;-)
Oh mynxi you're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind! Hey mynxi, Hey mynxi! Is anybody old enough to recognize the song, lol? So my fabulous beta's awesome story Saving Bella just won the I Dream of Bella Category in the Everything's Bigger in Texas contest!!! She's just the bomb, right?
Chapter Eight
JPOV
I walked at a quick human pace following Bella's scent down the street. Heading in the direction of the church Andy had mentioned, I slowed my steps slightly to allow her a few more moments alone. I used the time to try to figure out what to say to her. It was hard for me to understand why it was so difficult for her to accept gifts, but I was guessing that it was related to her need for independence. I could respect that, but she needed to start getting past her reluctance in order for me keep her safe and healthy.
I approached the church and walked around to the quiet garden area in the back, hoping the right words would come to me. Bella sat on a bench surrounded by statues of saints, looking up at me as I walked towards her. Her feet were pulled up onto the bench and she had her arms wrapped around her legs. She looked so small, almost like a child trying to curl up and hide in plain sight.
I felt a surge of remorse from her before she tamped it down and began to speak. "I'm sorry for running away, Jasper. I shouldn't have done that," she blurted out anxiously. Her words gave me hope that our conversation would be less adversarial than I was anticipating.
I sat on the bench next to her and smiled as she reached out automatically for my hand. We enjoyed the wave of calm for a moment before she looked up at me, a tear slipping down her cheek. "I was just so angry, and I felt like I would explode if I had to stay there. But I shouldn't have just run away from you. You deserve better from me and I'm really sorry," she sighed, her voice heavy with shame.
I gently brushed the tear from her face, leaving my hand against her warm cheek. "It's okay, Bella, don't beat yourself up about it. You can't really run from me anyway, I'll just follow your scent," I added playfully. Her face relaxed into a smile around my hand and I could feel her body loosen up as some of her tension eased.
I tucked her up against my side, draping my arm over her body and making sure our jackets buffered her from my coolness. "Bella, I get that independence is important to you, and I want you to know that I respect everything you've accomplished. You've kept yourself alive in spite of horrible odds, and you did it all on your own," I said honestly, rubbing her hand absently.
She squeezed my hand back and I took it a sign that she was at least going to hear me out before getting pissed again. "Nothing can take that achievement away from you, Bella, even accepting a gift from a friend who just wants to help you." I nudged her gently as I spoke, trying to emphasize my innocent intentions with the coat.
She shook her head and bit her lip, seeming to search for words. "It's not that Jasper. I know you respect me, and I appreciate that you don't talk down to me or try to run my life. It just feels wrong to take so much from you when I don't give anything back."
I couldn't keep a shocked look from crossing my face when she voiced her belief that she didn't give me anything in return. Before I could open my mouth to correct her, she looked down at her lap and spoke again. "I know you like me well enough, but I also know you're here right now because you feel responsible for me, and I hate that. I feel like an obligation," she finished in a whisper.
I gently turned her face back toward mine. "Bella, everything you just said is wrong on so many levels," I began, desperate to make her understand how differently I saw our friendship. "You aren't the only one who gets something out of our relationship, Sweetheart."
Pausing, I tried to find the words to accurately explain what I was feeling. "You are the farthest thing from an obligation to me, Bella. I won't lie, I still feel responsible for destroying your life with of my loss of control at your birthday party. I appreciate that you've forgiven me for it, but I will always know that if I hadn't lost it that night, you would probably be happy and safe in Edward's arms."
She stiffened and opened her mouth to interrupt. Raising my hand, I pressed on. "But as much as I feel responsible for the way your life turned out, that isn't what keeps me around you. I could easily assuage my guilt by setting you up in a luxury apartment with a generous allowance. I could check in by phone and e-mail and pat myself on the back for 'saving' you if it was just about fulfilling my obligation to you," I said vehemently.
Her eyes widened at either my words or my tone and I suddenly felt the acute need to be closer to her. Shifting her so that we were facing each other, I gently cupped her face with both of my hands, relishing the soft warmth of her skin against my steel fingertips. "The truth is, Bella, I stick around for several reasons. First, I really enjoy spending time with you." I frowned as she rolled her eyes at me, realizing she didn't believe me.
"It's true, Bella. It's like I can't wait to see what you'll do or say next," I tried to explain to her. "You make me look forward to the day," I admitted softly. Disbelief was still evident in her expression, but I let it go for now. I wasn't going to be able to solve all of her issues today, and she had been living with low self esteem for as long as I had known her.
"Anyway, I'm also here because being around you makes me feel good. Helping you and doing nice things for you makes me feel better. Not just less guilty, but actually good, Bella. I haven't felt good since Alice left me, but since you've been around, I feel good at least once a day, and it's almost always because of you," I confessed. "You don't understand how hard I struggle with wanting to do more for you. I want nothing more than to just pack you off to some remote island far from Victoria and just spoil you senseless, but I know that's not what you want. So really, Bella, I think I'm doing pretty good when I show up with just a coat," I finished with a smile.
Her expression softened and she tilted her head to press one cheek into my hand. Raising an eyebrow quizzically, she smiled weakly. "Am I allowed to speak now, Jasper?" she asked drily. I nodded yes, rolling my eyes at her. Her heart rate increased as she began. "You make me feel good too," she admitted, blushing slightly. "I haven't felt like a human being since I left Forks. It's like I was on autopilot, just doing whatever it took to get through the next day. I couldn't let anyone in, and eventually I stopped wanting to. But now you're here and I remember what it's like to have a friend and to be a friend. And it's a good feeling, Jasper, really good. But it also scares the shit out of me, because I don't know how I'll go back to being numb when you're not around anymore," she ended in a whisper, looking down at her lap as her tears started to fall.
Without hesitating, I scooped her into my lap and cradled her against my chest. She clutched my jacket and began to sob quietly. "I'm not going anywhere, Bella," I murmured softly as I wrapped my arms around her. Repeating the words over and over, I rocked her back and forth, waiting for her sobs to ease.
She finally began to relax into my arms as her crying became quieter. Her fingers were white with tension from holding my jacket, so I gently pried them off and wrapped one of my hands around hers. She was no longer crying, but she kept her face pressed into my chest. She seemed desperate to hold onto me, as if she feared I would vanish if she let go. I sighed, realizing that was exactly what had happened to her with Edward.
"Sweetheart, I will never leave you like that," I whispered into the top of her head. "I will never disappear on you. If something ever comes up that we have to be apart for awhile, we'll plan it together, and you will always be able to reach me," I reassured her. "I know it's hard for you to trust me, but I hate to see you this upset over me leaving, when it will never happen."
She remained silent, although I could hear her heart pounding in her chest. "What are you thinking?" I asked softly, wishing I could pick up her emotions. "I'm trying to believe in you, Jasper," she said into my jacket. Closing my eyes, I held her tighter as I felt my own sorrow well up. Seeing her look so broken as she clung to me, I felt a flash of white hot anger at Edward. I had endangered Bella and Victoria had robbed her of her family, but Edward was the one who had left her unable to trust that the people she cared about wouldn't abandon her.
Sighing, I decided this conversation had gone on long enough. Bella was clearly exhausted and shutting down, so no good would come from pressing her more. "Let's get you inside," I said softly as I began moving her off of my lap. I felt my jacket tug as she resisted my attempt to move her into a standing position.
"Oh Sweetheart, I wish I could carry you back, but I think we would raise some eyebrows, even in Manhattan," I teased, hoping for some sort of reaction. She looked up at me, and I was relieved when a weak smile crossed her lips. " 'Kay, I guess I'll walk then," she said softly as she let her feet slide to the ground. Leaning heavily into me, we started to walk toward the street.
We walked to her apartment in silence, and I could almost feel the fatigue radiating off Bella as she stumbled along next to me. When we reached her building, I stopped fighting myself and scooped her up into my arms to carry her up the stairs. She sighed and nestled into me as I rapidly climbed the flights. "Key?" I asked softly as I approached the door. She rooted in her pocket and handed it to me.
Sighing in relief at the absence of Andy's heartbeat, I unlocked the door and carried her inside. I walked into her room and sat her gently on the saggy mattress. She looked up at me and I was torn apart when I saw how haunted her eyes were. Leaning over, I kissed her softly on the forehead. She gasped in surprise and her heart rate spiked.
"I'm sorry," I started to apologize as I pulled back. She blushed and shook her head. "No it's okay, I was just surprised," she stammered, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs. She looked so small, even in the tiny, dilapidated room.
Deciding to go for the honest approach again, I grabbed her backpack and raised it to her. "I'm feeling a major urge to take care of you, Sweetheart. Grab what you need and we're getting out of here," I ordered in a stern voice. My words sparked some life into her and she raised an eyebrow. "Please?" I amended with a hopeful smile.
Smirking at me, she stood up and began throwing stuff into her bag. I noticed an empty gym bag on the floor and grabbed it. "Throw some extras in this one while you're at it. That way you won't have to rush back here tomorrow if you don't want to," I suggested. She nodded absently and moved around the room as she packed the bags. "All set," she finally stated, hefting the backpack onto her shoulders.
Rolling my eyes at her, I sighed. "Give me that, silly girl. If I don't stay useful, you'll have no excuse to keep me around," I teased as I reached out for both bags. As we walked to the front door, I noticed the Macy's bag on the floor. Taking an unnecessary breath, I reached down for it and turned to her, a question in my eyes. Her blush returned and she slowly reached for the bag. She pulled the coat and gloves out and slipped them on. "It's a really nice coat, Jasper. Thank you," she whispered to the floor.
I looked away, not wanting to make her uncomfortable. "You're welcome, Bella. I'm glad you like it," I answered as I led her out of the apartment. I locked the apartment and we made our way down to the car. As I drove toward my neighborhood, I realized that Bella hadn't eaten. "What are you in the mood to have for dinner, Sweets?" I asked.
A small smile ghosted over her lips at the nickname. "I'm not hungry tonight, Jasper," she said softly. "Did you eat anything after I dropped you off today?" I asked, hoping I didn't sound like a nag. "Yep, I picked up sandwiches and Andy and I had lunch," she answered quietly. I nodded at her, satisfied that she wouldn't starve to death overnight. "Let me know if you change your mind, we can order in."
"Thanks, Jasper, I will," she said quietly. She looked so fragile strapped into the leather seat of the car, almost like a shell of herself. My heart clenched in my chest and I struggled to think of something to bring her out this dejection.
We reached the apartment building and again she leaned heavily on me again as we walked in. Once we were inside, I tossed her bags in the bedroom while she headed toward the couch. "It's still early, do you want to pick a movie?" I asked as I joined her. She didn't answer as she snuggled into me, so I scooped her up into my lap.
"What can I do to make it better, Bella?" She rubbed her face against my hard chest. "You're doing it, Jasper," she whispered. I groaned and shook my head at her. "There has to be something more, Bella. You're still miserable." She didn't reply, so I tried another approach. "What are you feeling right now?" I whispered to her.
"I'm trying not to think about how you're changing your whole life for me," she finally answered. Staring down at her in surprise, I rushed to reassure her. "There wasn't much to change, Bella. I do all the same stuff I did before, but now I spend time with you too. My life is better because I found you," I said firmly.
She shook her head against my chest again. "No, I mean how you usually move all around, but now you're staying here. I worry that you'll get tired of it here and wish you could leave," she admitted to my shirt. "I know you say you won't leave me, but I'll feel bad if you stay somewhere you don't like just for me," she sighed.
"Bella, I have to be honest, when the weather changes in the spring, it will be harder for me to live here. But I was hoping I could convince you to come on a road trip with me to somewhere with a better climate for me," I admitted, rubbing her back absently. "We don't have to plan it now, but there's no reason for you to feel like you're keeping me here when I don't want to be, Sweetheart."
She looked up at me and gave me another sad smile before looking away. "I can't get warmed up for some reason, I think I'll take a shower," she said, abruptly dropping the topic. I let her stand up and watched as she walked away. I hoped the shower would help, but she looked as if she was cold from the inside out. That thought took flight, and I smiled as I grabbed a pen and paper. Leaving her a note, I headed out the door to the market down the street.
I made my purchases and hurried back into the apartment, hoping I could get things ready before she finished her shower. I heard the water stop and used vampire speed to finish. Her sweet scent filled the room as she entered and I turned to face her.
"Surprise!" I sang out softly. Her face lit with a true smile as she took in the steaming mug of hot cocoa I was holding out to her. Her eyes moved to the bar where I had marshmallows, graham crackers and chocolate laid out in front of a lit candle. "Jasper, this is perfect! How did you know?" she demanded excitedly as she hopped over to the bar to sit down.
"I just figured the cocoa would warm you up, and I think I read somewhere that it's impossible not to smile while eating a s'more," I said as I grabbed a skewer to toast the marshmallow. She continued grinning as I fed her s'mores while she chatted about having them with her mom or dad at various times during her life. Seeing her smile, I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest.
She finished her snack and picked a comedy from my DVD collection. She curled up snug against me on the couch and clung tight to my hand while we watched the movie, but she sounded at ease as she commented on the silly plot. When the movie ended, she stood and headed into the bedroom. I grabbed a book and followed her, hoping she wouldn't ask me to leave tonight. I didn't like the thought of her sleeping alone after the emotional upset she had been through today.
I smiled as she moved to her normal spot on the bed and looked up at me expectantly. Lying down next to her, I tucked her in like usual. I reached out to take her hand, but instead she curled her cocooned body around mine. I moved a pillow under her head so it would rest on my hard arm and she sighed contentedly.
Her tired eyes were drifting shut as she murmured, "Thank you, Jasper. For everything." I leaned over to kiss her forehead again as I answered. "You're welcome, Bella. Sleep tight, I'll be here when you wake up." Playing with a strand of her hair, I watched her drift quickly to sleep. The afternoon had been emotionally exhausting, even to my vampire mind, and I hoped she would have a peaceful night.
Unfortunately, the sandman wasn't on the same page with me. Her first nightmare began less than an hour after she fell asleep. I heard her heart rate elevate as she began moaning and twisting in the comforter. I whispered assurances into her ear as I moved her into my lap and rocked her. She calmed without waking, so I tucked her in again. She had three more nightmares, each worse than the last, forcing me to wake her to snap her out of it. When I woke her, she clutched my shirt and sobbed out, "Don't leave me!" over and over while burying her head into my chest.
My heart broke for her and I felt my murmured words of comfort were inadequate for her pain and fear. However, since I hadn't tested out projecting emotion to her, words were my only option, so I used them. I told her over and over how strong she was and how proud she made me. I told her I would never leave her, that she would never have to be alone and scared again.
Eventually she quieted in my arms, and I tucked the comforter around her, leaving her lying on my lap in the hopes that the increased contact would help stave off another bad dream. It seemed to work, and she managed to get three hours of uninterrupted sleep before I heard her breathing change as she became alert. She stared up at me for a moment before giving me a little smile.
"That bad, huh?" she asked with a sheepish smile, taking in my grim expression. "I was just hoping you would get a little more sleep, Sweetheart. You had a tough afternoon and a worse night, I think," I said, gently pushing on her nose. I was beyond relieved when she smiled at my action and the shadows left her eyes. She was battered, but not broken, and I knew that with time and my help she would get past her fear of being discarded again.
"Go pee and get dressed," I mock ordered her with a smile. "You need a giant breakfast to make up for your junk food dinner last night, miss. I'm finally gettin' some meat on your bones, no goin' backwards now," I drawled at her, hoping for a laugh.
I was rewarded with a giggle at my accent. "I'd do just about anything, if you tell me using that accent, Jasper," she cooed, batting her eyelashes. I knew she was joking, but her words went straight to my dick, so I just gave her a quick smile and wave as I left the room so she could start her morning routine.
I stepped into the living room, noticing that my place was starting to pick up her scent, and groaned as my erection grew harder. I was finally starting to break through to the "real" Bella, long buried under her shield of numbness and bravado. She needed me to be a friend, not a horny teenager, so I needed to get this under control. I knew it would be far from easy, especially if she continued needing to be held so much, but I was determined to be what she needed and nothing more. Reciting the Declaration of Independence in every language I knew, I finally conquered my hard on and went to the computer to check for an update from Jenks.
BPOV
I sat at the breakfast bar and rested my head on my arms. It was Wednesday morning and Jasper had just left to go grab me a bagel. He joked that he was actually beginning to enjoy the smell of fresh baked bread again, but I think he really just wanted to get some air. We were "debating" my return to work tonight. It was my first scheduled shift since I had been attacked, and Jasper was of the opinion that I should call and quit without notice.
While I had no desire to continue working there, I was hesitant to quit today. The past two days had been an emotional roller coaster, and I hadn't had a chance to pursue a new job yet. Quitting before I had something to fall back on really went against my grain, and I was struggling between my desire to make Jasper happy and my need to stay independent. He was being patient but firm in his insistence that it was both unsafe and unnecessary for me to return to work there.
Sighing, I recalled how good he had been to me since my breakdown at the church. I felt as if a switch had flipped inside of me when I told Jasper I was trying to believe in him. For the first day after our "fight" I had been almost dependent on his presence as I struggled to allow myself to trust him. He had left my side only for quick trips to hunt, and I was anxious the whole time he was gone.
He was tender and reassuring, not pressing me to talk, but always there if I wanted to. My nights had been awful, one nightmare after another. Jasper held me tight through it all, soothing me back to sleep after each bad dream. I awakened Tuesday to the sensation of him tracing the circles under my eyes. "You're starting to look like a vampire, Bella," he had whispered sadly. "How are we gonna get you a good night's sleep?" I didn't answer him at the time, but I knew I had to push myself through this emotional crisis, for both of our sakes.
While he hunted on Tuesday, I finally had an epiphany. I realized my fears about needing him too much had already happened. His friendship was a necessity to my peace of mind and there was no longer any point in fighting the urge to rely on him, the "worst" had already occurred. It was wasting my energy to worry about how I would deal if he left. I believed him when he said he wasn't going to leave me, but I also knew that shit happens sometimes. There were no guarantees in my life, and I was beginning to realize that I shouldn't deny myself some happiness just to protect myself from future pain.
When he walked in the door, I launched myself into his arms, apologizing for being so difficult. Watching the relief spread over his beautiful face, I felt so guilty for putting him through the last few days. "I'm going to be better now, Jasper. I can't promise not to be scared, but I promise not to push you away," I whispered, pressing my face into his hard chest. Pushing me slightly away to look into my face, he whispered back, "I'm glad, Sweetheart," before crushing me in a hug.
We spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing, enjoying the respite from the intense emotions of the previous two days. My sleep that night was peaceful and free from nightmares, but Jasper stayed with me all night anyway. This morning, I awoke to his breathtaking smile, his features free from worry for the first time since I had been attacked.
It hadn't taken long for him to ask me about my plans for work that night. I was trying to avoid thinking about it, but I finally admitted that I would prefer to keep working at the club until I found a different job. Jasper tried to convince me to let him "help me out" until I found a new job, but I was reluctant to accept cash from him. We went back and forth about it, avoiding getting angry with each other, but drawing no closer to an agreement either. Finally, he had decided to go out to grab my breakfast so we could take a little break from the issue.
The door opened before I was ready, but I lifted my head from my hands with a smile. "Thank you," I sang in a silly tone as I walked over to meet him. "You're welcome, Sweets," he replied, handing me my coffee as we walked to the bar.
I bit into my bagel, hoping to use chewing as a delay tactic, but Jasper was wise to my game. Smirking at me, he started in again. "Have you come to your senses yet, Bella?" he asked, clearly teasing me. Giving him a snort of mock outrage, I retorted, "Sure have, Jasper. My sense of pride and my sense of self preservation both tell me I have to go to work." Smiling and shaking his head, he reached out for my free hand.
His cold fingers squeezed mine as he gave me a serious look. "Do this for me, Bella, please. Don't go back there and risk getting hurt. It was so close last week. I almost didn't make it in time to stop him," he said in a hard tone. His eyes darkened to onyx for a moment, and he visibly struggled to stay in control of his anger at the memory. "I'll cover your rent and whatever else you need, only until you're working again, just please don't go back there," he said earnestly.
I sighed heavily and put my bagel down. "It just doesn't feel right, Jasper. You already pay for ninety-eight percent of my meals, you're supplementing my wardrobe, and you even bought my last MetroCard. I just have a hard time with the fact that you'd be paying my rent too. It feels like taking advantage of you," I finished, toying with the lid to my coffee cup.
His eyes blazing, he shook his head. "First of all, Bella, it really isn't possible for you take advantage of me financially. I could buy your building fifty times without denting my bank account, so a month of your rent is completely insignificant to me. It's a bigger problem to me that paying your rent will really just be handing cash to Andy to buy more drugs with. Second, there's a difference between taking advantage of someone and allowing someone to help you. We both know that this is the second case, Bella," he said as he took my other hand. "Third, you'd really be doing me a favor since I wouldn't have to worry about you so much."
Closing my eyes, I forced myself to ignore the part of my brain that was screaming at me to resist Jasper's generosity. I knew the chances that Jasper would ever need financial help from me were minute, but I also knew that if he ever needed that help, I would desperately want to give it to him. "Okay, Jasper, you win. I'll call and quit," I muttered, looking down at our hands on the table. "I'll spend this afternoon looking for a new job while you hunt."
A huge smile lit his face, and I could almost see the tension melt away from his eyes. "Thank you, Bella," was his only answer. Without warning me, he stood up and scooped me into a tight hug. I gasped in surprise before I pressed my face into his thick grey sweater. I inhaled his musky scent and gasped again as a wave of attraction for him raced through me. Forcing sudden thoughts of rubbing my hands over his chest away, I gently pulled back from him.
Concern flashed in his eyes as he sat me down. "Sorry, did I squeeze too tight?" he asked anxiously. I shook my head and gave what I hoped was a convincing smile, as I tried to calm my racing heart. "No harm done, Jasper, just lost my breath for a second," I choked out, praying that he hadn't picked up on my feelings with his ability.
"Sure you're okay, Sweetheart?" he double checked as he picked his coat up off the couch. Nodding my head, I followed him toward the door. "I'm going to go hunt now. I'm not sure these clouds will hold all day," he told me as he looked out the window.
"Happy hunting, then," I replied. "I'll call work and then grab a shower." He grinned again at the reminder that I was quitting and waved as he closed the door. I listened as he locked it behind him and went to make my resignation call.
It didn't go well, and I ended up hanging up on Jon when he started swearing about me, Jasper, and our respective parents. He was screaming about not giving me references and black listing me from other bars, but it wasn't like I planned on working at a bar again now that I had good documents. I shrugged it off as I headed for the shower, eager to get started on my job hunt.
The next few days passed quickly. I filled out applications at several places that had advertised positions, including two bookstores. Jasper and I had stopped by my apartment several times to refresh my wardrobe and my room there was starting to get emptier. Each time, I hoped Andy would be there so we could at least touch base, but the apartment was always empty. I left him notes asking him to call Jasper's cell, but to no avail. When I worried aloud about the situation, Jasper just looked at me sadly.
One morning I woke up without Jasper beside me and went out to the living room to find him. He was seated at his desk scanning a folder of documents. Looking up as he heard my approach, he closed the folder and stood up, clearly trying to keep me from seeing its contents. I raised my eyebrows at him, but kept my tone neutral. "I'm going to assume that folder's got nothing to do with me, so I won't pester you about it. But I would certainly expect you to let me know if that's my business you're so interested in."
He gave a small smile as he walked over to me. "Good morning to you too, Bella," he said with exaggerated politeness. "That particular folder is not about you, but I do have one that is," he admitted. I wasn't shocked to hear this, figuring whoever had made my ID would have had to research my past. "I'd be glad to get it out for you if you want to see it, Sweets," he continued.
Shrugging my shoulders, I answered nonchalantly. "I trust you to summarize it. Anything I should know?" He looked surprise at my calm acceptance, but quickly recovered. "Nothing really unexpected, Bella. The investigations in Forks are cold cases now, no leads, no suspects."
Nodding absently, I walked over to the window. It was still early and the sun was low, but the sky was clear of clouds. A chill ran down my spine as I registered the fact that it was obviously going to be a sunny day, giving Jasper no opportunity to hunt until the sun set.
Spinning to face him, I gasped out, "Jasper, how will you hunt? What can we do?" His face was absolutely calm until he couldn't control his smile anymore and a laugh escaped his lips. Before I could get pissed about the unshared joke, he started explaining.
"Don't panic, Bella. I knew it was going to be sunny today, it'll be fine. I want to try holding off on hunting for today. You know, I didn't hunt every day until I found you and I'm starting to feel fat," he said, rolling his eyes.
I rolled mine back at him and walked toward him, my finger pointing toward his chest. "Funny, Jasper. Seriously though, you need to hunt. I don't want you to be uncomfortable because I'm around," I trailed off as a thought crossed my mind. "Unless you don't want me to hang around today?" I asked hesitantly, unable to hide my anxiety.
Sighing, he walked over to me and lifted my chin. "Bella, you are welcome here any time, all the time. I honestly think I'll be fine today," he insisted. "I started the extra hunts as an extra precaution, but I haven't had any problem being around you." Shrugging, he continued. "I still smell your scent, but it doesn't set my thirst off for some reason. It's like I'm getting acclimated to it or something. I don't think I'll get uncomfortable, but if I did, touching you eases my thirst anyway, so everything should be fine."
I bit my lip as I looked up at his face. His eyes were still amber and no trace of strain marred his perfect features. My heart rate spiked as my body reacted to how close I was standing to him. He frowned as his ears picked up on my racing pulse.
He reached out and gently grasped both arms. "Bella, don't be scared of me. If you don't feel okay with this, I'll leave right now to hunt," he said firmly, misinterpreting my racing heart as a sign of fear. "I just wanted to try it because I think it will be fine, and it will open up lots of hours if I don't hunt every day. I'll leave now and be back by noon."
His eyes were tight at the corners and I realized he thought I didn't trust him and that his feelings were hurt. Struggling to control my desire to throw myself at him, I grasped his hands with mine. "No, Jasper, I'm not afraid, I just worry about you," I stuttered, trying to explain away my pounding heart.
He wrinkled his forehead in confusion. "Why would you worry about me?" he asked in a puzzled tone. Relief washed over me as the words I was seeking finally jumped into my brain. Reaching out to touch his face, I tried to let the calm wash over me as I spoke.
"I'm not afraid of you, I never have been. I'm not afraid to die, either, Jasper. But I know that if you 'slipped' with me, you would never get over it," I said, running my fingertips over his chiseled cheek bone. "I know you now, and it would destroy you inside if you hurt me, so I just want us to take steps to make sure that doesn't happen," I finished gently.
He scooped me into a hug, and I couldn't resist rubbing my face against his chest. "Typical Bella," he murmured into my hair. "Instead of worrying about being eaten, you worry about my mental state after I eat you. It'll be fine, Sweetheart, I'm sure of it. Besides," he continued, shrugging, "if it gets difficult, I'll just go hunt."
"How, Jasper?" I choked out. "The sun is already almost over the buildings. How are you going to get out of Manhattan without blinding anyone?" I asked sarcastically. He laughed and carried me to the sofa, where he dropped me in a heap on the soft cushions.
"You're worrying too much, Sweets. The car is in the underground garage and there's an elevator to it from the lobby. The windows are tinted, and when I hunt I'm not near any humans anyway." He stood and moved away. "I have a fool proof back up plan, no more time wasted on this issue," he teased as he poked my nose before returning to his desk.
I spent the rest of the day in domestic pursuits. I did our laundry, feeling guilty when I wondered if Andy had any clean clothes left. Jasper spent some time at his computer and made several short phone calls. I made the bed and folded a load of clothes. Wanting to keep busy, I decided to clean the bathroom. I knew Jasper had a cleaning lady twice a month, but I knew my near constant presence at his place was making more mess than he was used to.
Throwing on an old tank top and a pair of yoga pants to work in, I searched for supplies. I found the cleaning products and set to work on preventing soap scum and removing stray hairs from the shower stall. After only a few minutes, I jumped when I felt a cold hand on my shoulder. My heart continued to pound as my body reacted to Jasper standing close to me in the shower stall. Trying not to gasp out loud, I fought to control the urge to back up closer to him. The slight pressure of his cold fingers near my collar bone sent tingles through my body.
"Fuck, you startled me, Jasper," I accused. He backed up at my words and I forced myself to take inconspicuous breaths as I turned to face him. He frowned slightly and nodded his head at the bottle of cleanser. "You don't have to do that, Bella."
Shaking my head, I put a teasing smile on my face, trying to mask my physical attraction to him. "Sorry, but I do. I help make the mess, I help take care of the mess," I said in a teasing tone. "I know you don't expect me to do it, it just makes me feel better about not working if I help take care of the place, Jasper," I confessed in a more serious tone. I nearly lost it and jumped him when he reached out to tuck a piece of my hair back into my messy bun. "Okay, but don't overdo it with the toxic chemicals," he joked as he turned to leave the bathroom.
My struggle to avoid touching him unnecessarily continued throughout the day. Any time he came within a three foot radius of me, I had to force my arms not to reach for him. I was unable to control my heart rate, but he didn't mention it. His eyes remained amber and clear and he gave no sign that he was struggling with his thirst. As dusk neared I grew desperate to get out of the spacious apartment that suddenly felt constricting to me.
I changed into jeans and a casual shirt and walked back out to the living room. "I thought I would run to the market and grab a couple of things, if that's okay with you," I suggested hesitantly as I approached him on the couch. Swallowing hard, I took in the sight of him relaxing on the couch with a book. He had one leg bent at the knee, the other stretched out in front of him, and it was all I could do not to throw myself on top of him. "Of course it's okay, Bella. I'll come carry your bags," he answered as he stood up. Unable to form coherent speech, I just nodded and turned to the door.
For once I relished the bite of the cold evening air as we walked. I felt my head begin to clear and was able to chat normally as I made my selections at the market. I grabbed staples like milk and cereal, and most importantly some coffee to use in his immaculate coffee pot. The trip was over quicker than I had hoped and before I knew it we were back in the kitchen as I unloaded the grocery bags.
I reached up to a high cabinet to put away the coffee filters when I felt cool breath against my neck. Jasper plucked the package from my hand and reached over me to put it away. My heart thudded and I bit my lip, feeling dizzy from his closeness. He didn't move away, so I forced myself to turn slowly to face him. Standing mere inches from me, he moved his hand from the cabinet door to rest gently on my shoulder.
His face was concerned as he opened his lips to speak. I watched his mouth move, almost hypnotized by the desire to feel his lips on mine. "I can't take it anymore, Bella. I know you're still a wreck, I've heard your heart racing all day every time I come close. You don't have to be afraid, I'm doing fine, better than I even hoped," he admitted, shrugging his shoulders.
I groaned as I realized he was feeling hurt by my reaction to him. My frustration at my body's response to him reached a breaking point, and I literally snapped. "Jasper, I am NOT afraid of your thirst. You've given me no reason to worry about that since we've been back in each other's lives. That has nothing to do with why I'm nervous," I practically shouted. His eyes widened in surprise, but he made no move to back away from me.
"The fact is that I am currently panicking because I am scared to death that it's going to ruin our friendship when you notice that I want to kiss you so bad I can't think straight!" I yelled. "I know you don't feel the same and I'm trying so hard to hide it so you don't get embarrassed, but you're a fucking vampire and an empath, so you're bound to pick up on it eventually, and then you'll feel uncomfortable around me, and it will all be ruined," I babbled frantically, looking anywhere but at his face.
Fighting tears, I struggled to breathe as I listened in horror to the words leave my mouth. His free hand moved to my jaw and he gently raised my face. Unwilling to see his pity, I closed my eyes. I felt him lean closer and assumed he was going to give me a casual hug to ease my embarrassment. My body shivered at the feeling of him towering over me. Shock flooded my senses as I felt the cool pressure of his lips on mine. My eyes flew open as my brain caught up with my body, which was singing in appreciation of the fact that he was kissing me, REALLY kissing me.
I opened my mouth to him as I felt his tongue press for entrance. Moaning, I threw my hands into his hair, pulling his head closer to me. He hummed softly and pulled his lips slightly away to kiss down my jaw before returning to my mouth. I frantically ran my fingers over his cool face, overwhelmed by a combination of desire and relief that he wasn't disgusted by my feelings. His fingers tangled gently in my hair as he deepened the kiss even further, rubbing my tongue with his.
We spent an eternity in that kitchen, standing with our lips locked together urgently. Gradually, I felt his hands and lips begin to slow. Before I could protest, he scooped me up and sat me on the counter in front of him. He held my hips with his hands and leaned down to press the top of his head into my chest. I curled myself over him, wrapping my arms around him and kissing his golden hair. After a moment he moved back slightly to look up at me.
His eyes were still brown, but they were dark with desire. "Damn, I've been trying not to do that for a long time, Bella," he breathed out as he stared down at me, a small smile crossing his amazing lips. Still incapable of intelligent speech, my only reply was a soft, "Oh." I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair again, reveling in the fact that I didn't have to fight the urge to do it any longer. Feeling bold, I pulled on his head, and he allowed me to bring his face closer to mine.
Tugging on his shoulders to pull myself up to meet him, I closed the remaining distance between us and placed my lips on his. This kiss was softer, yet more intense. I was dizzy with passion and my body felt unable to contain my long repressed desire for physical connection. His lips matched my every move, and I moaned as his hands moved from my hips up my sides, his thumbs just barely gracing the outer curve of my breasts.
He abruptly broke the kiss, but wrapped me in a tight hug, angling me slightly so we weren't pressed to each other groin to groin. Kissing the top of my head, he gave a short laugh. "So I'm guessing we're clear on the whole 'I don't feel the same way issue,' right, Bella?" he teased. "But this is gonna change some stuff for us. What do you want this," he paused to touch his lips to mine, "to mean?" he asked, his mouth against my lips.
Running my hands slowly over his back, I forced myself to pull back to answer. Looking down into his eyes, I struggled to find an answer to his question. My desire for him was undeniable and to be honest with myself, I knew I already loved him as a friend. What the combination of friendship and attraction would create, I couldn't guess. Unable to resist, I leaned down to kiss the hollow of his cold throat. I felt a rumble as he made a purring sound in reaction, so I repeated the motion before looking back up at him.
"Well, Jasper, I don't know what this means," I admitted. "I think what I would like to do, is to pretend for once, that I am just a normal girl, getting to know a normal guy. We'll stay friends, keep kissing and see where it ends up, just like any other couple, I guess," I finished with a shrug.
"So you wanna play normal, huh?" he asked with a smile. I just nodded, unable to stop a huge smile from spreading across my face. "Well then, I guess as your one hundred percent normal and average kissing partner, I should ask you to join me on a date. How about we go to a movie and then we'll get you something to eat?" he suggested, leaning in for another kiss.
It was awhile before my lips were free to answer him, and my breaths were short and uneven when I finally replied. "Sounds good, but we'd better get a seat in the back of the theater so we can make out," I chirped as I jumped off the counter to grab my coat. I looked over my shoulder to see his gorgeous smile as he used vampire speed to catch up to me. He wrapped his arm over me as we walked to the door. "Sweetheart, I like the way you think," he agreed as we left the apartment on our way to our first date.
Long AN:
So you guys were all "ok, great, they're gonna hold hands and cuddle for 10 more years," weren't you? So seriously, was it good for you? I hyperventilated from stress while writing it, so I'm working on getting a tranquilizer prescription line up for when I write their lemon. (Jasper, I promise you'll get some sometime this decade!)
Mynxi, thanks as always for working your betalove on my chapter. Did you guys know she loves me so much she edits in blue ink to cut down on my stress?
Anadabyel, we need to chat about this arrangement you have with the boys. I want in, end of story ;-)
Ok, shout out time….
These wonderful people called TwiFicPromotions have a blog featuring "underappreciated" (not my words!) fics, and they reviewed Moment this week! I got a big bump in my traffic, so thanks so much to them. Go check them out if you're looking for something new to read, there were several that I can't wait to start. http://www(dot)twi-ficpromotions(dot)blogspot(dot)com is their site.
If you go there, you will notice the gorgeous banner that christine30974 created for A Moment! I was so excited that I stretched my techno skills and created a photobucket for it, the link is on my profile! (I didn't even need any help, although Christine kept me calm throughout with deep breathing exercises, lol!) Thank you so much sweetie, I'm sending Jasper over to cuddle you tonight as a thank you!
Last one… To my amazing crew of consistent reviewers (too many to list, you know who you are!)…Thank you all so much. I love hearing from you after every chapter! I really can't wait to hear what you thought about this one! To demonstrate my appreciation, Jasper will be visiting each of you to put away groceries in high cabinets. Feel free to take advantage of this situation in whatever way you would like. ;-)