Chapter 8

Double date?

The Holiday vacations were almost over. The New Year had started sadly for Rachel. They were only January fourth and already, she had to work hard to keep her resolutions. If she had listened to herself, she would have gone to Finn's home, jumped at his neck and never let go. But, rationally, she knew she couldn't do it, it was too soon and the wound too fresh. Sure, she had imagined them making up a million times in her head but she knew that things would be different when she would face him for reel. She knew that seeing him was going to be difficult, that a mix of pain, sadness and longing would fill her heart. Even despite those feelings, she didn't think that she would be able to see him only as a friend. They were so much than that…

She knew that she'd want to feel his large hand covering, protecting her tiny one. She knew she'd want to feel his warmth next to her and his lips kissing hers once and again.

No, she clearly wasn't ready to face him. If the only thought of Finn was making her wish those things, what would the real thing be? She knew she wasn't ready for that, she wasn't strong enough yet.

"Will I ever be?" she said to herself sighing.

Fortunately, she hadn't been totally alone during the holidays. Every night, she had her clandestine meetings with Noah at school. Every night, she had gone singing at the auditorium, her sanctuary, the only place where screaming out loud her feelings for Finn was allowed.

Noah was kind to her, very friendly. In fact, he was the only friend she had except for Kurt but she wasn't really at ease to talk to him about her issues, because he was indeed living with them…

She could talk of anything with Noah even though she wasn't sure that he understood what she was saying every times but he had been an comprehensive ear to talk to and a broad shoulder to cry on and he had been there every times she had needed it.

She had even tried to make him talk about the whole Quinn and Beth thing, but when the few times she had attempted to do it, he had just smiled falsely and said that he was fine, that Quinn had done the good thing by giving her up, that her decision had simplified all their lives and that was the way he liked his, simple.

He had never talked much during their meetings except to make silly jokes, often with sexual overtone. She really hoped he wasn't awaiting anything more from her than friendship, because she knew that she would not be able to give it to him. She knew her heart belonged with Finn no matter how much complicated their story was. She really didn't want to be a source of pain to him who had been such a great friend to her. She knew that she would have to clear it out eventually but she didn't want to do it now, now she needed her rock. She knew she was being a selfish brat by asking such a thing, but that was what she had always been, a self-centered person. Sure, Finn had changed her a little, but he was long gone now.

Lately, she had spent a lot of time on internet, searching for songs she could sing during her night rehearsals with Noah and visiting Julliard's through their site, to see what her life would be like a few years.

She had always picture herself arriving there holding Finn's hand. She had always pictured them together, her, the hot new charismatic singer and him, the NYU star quarterback, living happily in a tiny place that would be theirs. They could be so happy.

Rachel smiled at the vision she had had but her smile disappeared when she realized that it wouldn't probably happen the way she had so faithfully imagined it.

"We have time to sort this out, we have more than a year to sort our feelings out, and we have time to do it. I am not giving up on us." She said with aplomb, remaining positive.

She was concentrating herself back on Internet when her phone rang. She told herself it was Noah, but smiled even more when she saw Kurt's id on her phone.

"Happy New Year Kurt!" said Rachel happily.

"What's up with you, you sound way too happy Miss Berry?" said Kurt who expected a much sadder tone.

"You know what they say: A new year, a new start. I was looking for song and visiting Julliard's on the net. I guess those things do make me happy." She answered.

"Happy to hear you're such in a good mood. I'm only surprised to hear you so joyful because last time we saw each other, you weren't too cheerful." He replied trying to sound as joyous as she did.

She remembered it too. It had taken place a couple of days after the Christmas party break down. She had run into Kurt and Finn with their parents. They had all exchanged Merry Christmas wishes. The two ex love birds couldn't even look at each other in the eyes and, second later, they had passed by one another as if they were two strangers. But little did Finn know that Rachel had called Noah and went straight to her sanctuary to sing 1000 oceans by Tori Amos after their meeting.

"You know, I try to stay positive, life is not over because Finn and I are. I am only keeping faith on our star, my star." She corrected after her slip.

"You haven't called to hear me blabbing about my talented self, I'm sure your call has another motive." She asked promptly to change the subject, hoping he hadn't noticed her stumble too much.

"As a matter of fact I did! I was wondering if you wanted us to meet. I am going at the skating rink with Blaine and a friend. Would you come with us? I'll introduce you to Blaine and we could have fun." said Kurt joyful.

"Are you trying to play match make Kurt? If you are, you should know that I am not ready to date. I thought you were more sensible than that." Rachel replied, her tone slightly annoyed by Kurt's comments.

"Course not Rachel, I don't expect you to jump onto him. The guy is having a hard time, the girl he loved just left him and I thought you guys could talk to someone who's going through the same thing. Friend to friend." replied Kurt to Rachel's accusations.

Rachel didn't know if she should agree to this encounter. After all, she didn't even know that guy that Kurt was referring to, but she knew she could trust Kurt who had been nothing but kind emailing her thoughtful notes. She knew he was sensitive and he wouldn't do something to arm her. Furthermore, she had the afternoon to herself, so why not spend it with among friends.

"I don't know why I am saying yes to your proposal but it better not be a blind date, Kurt or I am never speaking to you again." She told Kurt very seriously.

"That's the Rachel Berry I know, all nice and soft." Kurt laughed, making Rachel laughed too.

"I'll pick you up in half an hour." Kurt started to say before Rachel answered him quickly.

"No, I'll walk! I enjoy walking these days, I'll join you in forty minutes, more or less." said Rachel walking across the room to reach her wardrobe where her skates were stored.

"Ok. We will wait for you and the entering of the rink. Don't forget your blades. See you later tinkle." said Kurt before hanging up smiling.

She hung up too and finally found her skates in her wardrobe. She really hoped they would fit. It had been over a year since she had used them. She hoped she was still good at it. She remembered the classes she was taking before her dads took her off the artistic skating team, saying that jumps were too dangerous for her body and the coldness could damage her so pure voice. She remembered enjoying it and hoped to make Kurt proud for bringing her stake with them.

She put the stakes in her gymnastic bag and went downstairs quickly. She put on her coat, scarf, gloves and beret. She said goodbye to her dads, telling them where she was going and left the house. She started to walk quickly not to be late.

The rink was pretty far from her house but she really felt like she needed to walk, to compose herself before facing Kurt. She knew that they would probably talk about Finn, somewhere in the afternoon, and she didn't mind. She knew that she could talk to Kurt openly. She knew that he would understand her and, more importantly, she knew that he would be honest and straight forward with her.

She would try not to ask questions about Finn, questions such as; how he is, or is he ok? She would gladly take the news that Kurt would give her but nothing more. She would not run into trouble, trouble being hopelessly losing herself over Finn. No, she would be stronger than that.

Little did she know that she was about to be tested more than she had imagined… Ready or not…