Chapter 19
FAREWELL
Rachel woke up all night long, having weird dreams, some including a bright future on Broadway and others in Finn's arms, but they weren't mixed up, it was one of the other. Being held by Finn had made her happy, but she had made her choice and the right choice, even if it hurt like hell.
She didn't want to say goodbye to her dream of happiness with Finn, but she knew she had to, for the sake of her dream, a dream she had cherished all her life. Somewhere, she knew that this would happen someday, but she had hoped to be a little bit older and that she would spend more time with the boy who was her first love.
She got out of bed and got dressed. She was getting her luggage out of her wardrobe when her cell phone rang. It was Kurt. She answered.
"Change of plan. Get dressed, I am picking you up for breakfast." said Kurt, without even saying hello.
"Aren't you supposed to be at school?" asked Rachel, surprised.
"I wanted to spend time with you before you leave us for a greater sky." said Kurt softly "and you really need to rethink you wardrobe if you don't want to embarrass us in NYC." answered Kurt, a bit more seriously.
"It's very nice of you, but I don't know if I am strong enough for such goodbyes." said Rachel, trying not to break into tears. "I have lots of things to do this morning, I have to go to school with my dads to finalize the transfer, to empty my locker and I have to do it between 10 and 12, but we could meet for shopping and you could help me to do my suitcase, I could use your expertise. We could meet at the mall at 12h30." added Rachel, trying to remain calm.
"I'll be there." said Kurt joyfully. "And put a smile and that lucky face of yours." Kurt added before hanging up.
Rachel hung up, but she couldn't obey to Kurt; today, wasn't a smiley day, but she knew she had her whole life ahead of her to learn how to smile again.
At ten, her dads drove her to school and they all went to the principal's office. Once the last paper signed, her dads went back to their car, letting time for Rachel to go emptying her locker. She brought her school's books to the administration office, but kept her personnel stuff.
She took a few things, her mirror, clips and note pad. Hidden in the far end of her locker, there was still a picture of Finn and her crazy calendar she had kept since their break up.
Looking at the picture, tears started to fall from her eyes. She couldn't believe it was really over. She couldn't believe she wouldn't see him again, ever; that she would never see his face, his eyes, never kiss his lips, never touch this body that she was already longing for, even if she hadn't left yet. She had to see him one last time, his senses urged her to.
She looked at her watch, 10h45, she knew where he was. She had chosen this time to come at school knowing that he would be busy in USA History classroom.
Rachel started to walk in the hallway, toward her old classroom. She stood next to the door and looked through the door's window.
Finn's face was pressed on the palm of his hand that was held by his elbow pressed on his desk. He seemed lost in his thoughts, not listening to a word that M. Hudler was saying.
She stayed there for few minutes, starring at the back of his head, breathing his presence for the last time. She started to cry and left quickly before somebody could hear her.
She knew that if she had seen his face or heard his voice, leaving would have been nearly impossible. She hopped that Finn's Hudson effect on her would decrease one day.
Bag in hands, she left the school. Once passed the door, she took a last good look at McKinley High.
"I have lived great moments here, but I'll live greater where I am going." She told herself looking one last time at the school.
She went back to her father's car and asked them to drive her to the mall, telling them that she would be back at home in an hour or two to finish her suitcases.
Once at the mall, she got off of her dad's car and entered the big building.
She sat at table nearby the front doors and waited for Kurt.
Sitting by herself, she couldn't stop thinking about what she was leaving behind, her fathers, her friends, Glee and Finn.
It had been decided that her dads would stay in Lima till the summer and they would move to New-York city all together, so it was only a short term goodbye.
She started to think about her friends and glee club. She had lived there the most memorable moments of her young life and it had prepared her to face the real world she would soon step into. She really hoped that they could survive without her because young people could really learn a lot from Mr. Shuster's leadership and from each other acceptation and tolerance.
Then, she thought about Finn. The thought of Finn put an end to her outburst of positivity. Tears quickly began to fall from her eyes. She was leaving her heart in Lima, she knew it. She hopped that it would come back to her even if he would wear Finn's features.
She knew she had to do something about Finn, but she didn't want to see him; she was scared of what it could do to her.
So, she took her note pad and wrote one only sentence and she signed.
"Hi, future Yankee!" said Kurt walking toward her joyfully.
Rachel put quickly the piece of paper in one of her pockets and stood up to welcome him. They hugged tightly. They stepped back a few seconds later and started to walk.
They shopped during an hour or two. Kurt dragged her in a lot of boutiques, telling her how New York was a must in fashion. He also gave her tips about the glamorous life and gossips about upper east sides. Rachel listened to him forcing a smile by moments. He bought her a top and a skirt as departure's gift. Rachel thanked him and hugged him. Then, bags in both hands, they decided to go for smoothie.
"You are so lucky to leave this place." said Kurt dreamily, drinking his smoothie.
"Yeah, I am!" replied Rachel, forcing herself to sound happy.
"You are. You just don't know it yet." said Kurt, taking another gulp of his juice. "Once you'll be in the big apple, you'll bite it full teeth. You'll forget about Lima Ohio. "added Kurt, smiling.
"Maybe, but I didn't think it would be this hard to leave." Rachel said breathing hardly. "I know that I am ready to face the music, but I had pictured by departure differently." added Rachel, trying not to cry.
"Life happens Rachel and you have the chance to make the most of it, so don't screw it up." said Kurt taking her hand. "We will all stay here for a couple of years at least, so you can come to visit us if you want to and you can be sure that I will visit you. I am dying to see NYC." said Kurt, smiling enthusiastically.
"You'll be more than welcomed to." said Rachel, smiling widely.
They both rose from their chairs and hugged once again. They stepped back from each other a few minutes after. Then, Rachel looked at the clock, it was almost three.
"God, if we don't go now, I'll probably miss my train." Rachel said, taking Kurt's arm and dragging him outside. They run till they reached Kurt's SUV.
Kurt drove to Rachel house. He parked his SUV in front of the house. They both got off the car and ran toward the house. Once inside, they went in Rachel's room.
Her suitcases were already on her bed, nearly full. Kurt took the shopping bags from Rachel's hand and opened a suitcase to slip it inside. Then, he noticed a picture on top of the clothes disposed in it; it was a picture of Finn and her at last year Regionnals.
"You shouldn't bring this with you. You shouldn't bring past with you Rachel." said Kurt to Rachel, softly.
"I packed only this one. I need a souvenir Kurt." said Rachel, not looking at Kurt, knowing he was right.
Kurt put back the picture where it was and they continued packing in silence. Kurt even took off pieces of clothing that Rachel had chosen to bring to NYC and replaced it with others, more suitable in his point of view.
Half an hour later, Rachel was ready to go. She was about to close her last suitcases when the picture fell out. Kurt came closer to her, picked it up and gave it back to Rachel who put it back on her suitcase and closed it tightly.
"Have you talked to him?" asked Kurt to Rachel, sitting on her bed.
"I last spoke to him yesterday. He told me that I had no right to leave them and he walked away." said Rachel, looking before her.
"Are you going to tell him goodbye?" asked Kurt, looking at Rachel, taking her hand in his.
"No. I don't think I can. I had a glimpse of him at school today and it was enough to turn me upside down, I don't think that talking to him is a good idea." said Rachel, looking at Kurt. "I have something to ask you. Could you give him this for me?" asked Rachel, taking a piece of paper in her pocket and giving it to Kurt.
"You can count on me." said Kurt, taking the paper from her shaking hands.
"Thank you Kurt." replied Rachel, standing up. She went closer to hugged him.
She was still holding Kurt when her phone rang. She checked the ID; It was Puck, but she didn't answer. She looked at the clock; it was nearly 4 o'clock, she had to be gone very soon.
"Thank you so much for your help Kurt, but I have to hit the road." Rachel said hugging Kurt another time. "I still have to get downstairs, say goodbye to my dads and wait for Noah. He is the one who's bringing me to the train station." said Rachel, stepping away from Kurt's arms.
Kurt helped Rachel bringing her suitcases downstairs. Rachel's father thanked him and they shook hand. Kurt put on his coat and walked toward the door. He seized the doorknob.
"Have fun out there Rachel! Live your dream for those who can't." said Kurt as he opened the door and left.
After Kurt's departure, Rachel stayed in the living room and called Noah.
"Hi Noah. Are you ready to pick me up?" asked Rachel trying to sound trilled.
"That why I called you, I can't go; family matters." said Puck in a hurry. "Is there someone else you can ask?" added Puck, pretending to sound worried.
"I can, but I wish I could tell you goodbye in person." said Rachel, sadly.
"I am a goodbye fan Berry and it isn't like we are never going to see each other again. I'll soon visit you in NYC; you won't get ride of me that easy Berry." added Puck, almost laughing.
"I hope so." said Rachel almost laughing too. "Thanks for everything Noah. I deeply thank you for being there when I really needed a friend. You are truly a good man Noah." Rachel said, trying not to break into tears.
"Don't your dare repeat that Miss Berry, you could hurt my reputation with such assessment." said Puck laughing. "More seriously, it's been great to be your friend, you are important to me Rachel, but you already know that." added Puck, sincerely. "Have a nice trip, enjoy yourself and don't forget about us to quickly Miss Broadway." said Puck clearing his voice.
"Take care of you Noah." said Rachel sadly before hanging up.
Puck hung up, but instead of closing his phone, he dialled another number, one he hadn't dialled for a long time. He knew that his ex best friend wouldn't answer him or maybe he wouldn't even listen to his voice message, so he decided to text him.
6 o'clock. Train station. Road 8. If you've got something bright to tell Her, it's now or never, dumb ass.
Puck sent it to Finn secretly hopping that he could convince her to stay.
Rachel went into the kitchen and told her fathers that her lift couldn't come to pick her up. They happily proposed her to bring her to the train station and she accepted, but not without making them promise that they wouldn't wait for the train with her. She knew that prolonged goodbyes would be more painful than necessary.
Rachel's fathers put their coats on and went outside to pack Rachel's heavy suitcases in their car.
Putting her coat on, Rachel took time to memorize all her house's details. She had had a great childhood there, with two loving fathers and she wanted to remember her home because she didn't know if she would see it again.
Tears falling on her cheeks, she fastened her coat and went outside. She took place in her father's car. The car went away.
Once at the train station, Rachel got off the car and helped her fathers getting her suitcases out of the car and put them next to her in the waiting spot.
Her fathers had prepared her a picnic basket with all the food she preferred, to eat on the road.
They all walked to the 8 train platform. The three of them stood still, not wanting to say goodbye.
Her dads went closer to her and hugged her, telling her that they would see each other soon and that they will stay in touch. They both hugged her tightly and left, whipping tears.
Rachel watched them leave, whipping her own tears. Then, she sat down on a nearby bench and waited.
Half asleep, half waken, Finn heard a phone ring. Lost in space, he never thought it was his phone that rang.
Slowly coming back to reality, he took it from his bedside table. Someone had sent him a text message. First, when he saw Puck's number, he wanted to throw the phone onto the wall, but a little voice deep within him was telling to read it.
6 o'clock, Train station. Road 8. If you've got something bright to tell Her, it's now or never, dumb ass.
The message kept flashing into his head, again and again.
Then, he quickly went downstairs and put on his coat. He to into his car and started the engine.
He didn't know if what he had to say was bright, but he hoped it would be promising enough for her to reconsider her decision to leave him behind.
Finn drove as fast as he could, hopping not to be too late.
He was approaching the train station when he saw a train leaving, so he accelerated and drove toward it. Then, he parked his car, not taking time to stop the car's engine.
He ran toward the leaving train. Seeing it getting further away, he put his hands on his head. He was late; he had always been too late.
"Finn!" said a soft voice behind him.
Finn turned to face her, wanting to know if he was dreaming or if reality was giving him another chance to make things right. Seeing that it really was Rachel, he ran to her, took her into his arms and held her tight.
"I thought I had missed you, that you were already gone. I am so glad I caught you before having a chance to change your mind." Finn said, holding Rachel.
Hearing Finn, Rachel stepped back.
"I am not changing my mind Finn, I going." She said, not looking at Finn in the eyes.
"You can't leave me like this Rach." said Finn, taking Rachel's chin with his hand and bringing him to look at her. "I love you." He added, stepping closer to Rachel and he kissed her like he had never kissed her before.
As much as Rachel wanted to kiss him back, she knew that it would only make thing worst.
"I love you too, but it's my dream Finn, a dream I had way before you." said Rachel, stepping out of his embrace. "Try to understand." she added, almost pleading and trying to keep her composure.
"Am I not important to you?" Finn asked her, clearing his voice.
"You are Finn. You are my first love. A part of me will always love you." Rachel said taking his hand.
Finn took advantage of her move to try to drag her closer to him, but Rachel forced herself to stay where she was.
"I have to go Finn, for me. I have to do this for me, for my love of music, passion for singing and my hope to become my own gold star." said Rachel, looking at Finn. "We both need to move on with our life, as much as it hurt right now." added Rachel, still holding Finn hands.
"Is there something I can do to stop you from leaving? I will leave Santana, the football team, anything…" Finn asked, almost pleading.
"No, you have to let me go and have a happy life Finn." answered Rachel softly.
"How am I supposed to do that?" asked Finn, snatching his hands away from hers.
"Be the Finn Hudson I fell in love with." Rachel said as tears started to fall on her cold cheeks.
Finn made a move to whip her tears away, but she stopped him.
"You will become a wonderful man, Finn, once you've decided to grow up. You will fly away from Lima too and, in a few years, you will become a well known quarterback in the NFL, you will totally forget about me." Rachel said crying. "I believe in you Finn, in the man you will become. All you have to do is believe in it too and it will happen!" added Rachel, whipping her tears.
"You speak like we are never going to see each other again." Finn said, starting to cry. He whipped his tears as soon as they fell from his eyes.
"I don't intent to come back Finn. I am going to NYC to stay, if they want me!" said Rachel, still crying.
"They will Rach. They are crazy if they don't. "Finn said, reaching out to touch her face, but this time, she let him to it.
He took her into his arms and held her tightly.
Then, a train horn interrupted them; Rachel train arrived in station. So, they parted from each other, reluctantly. They both whipped the tears falling from their eyes. Finn took Rachel's suitcases and helped her getting it onboard.
Her suitcases on board, Rachel faced Finn for one last time. Then, she forced herself to stop crying and to smile.
"I want you to remember me this way, Finn." said Rachel, softly, trying to fight back her tears.
Finn interrupted her and took her into his arms. He held her for few minutes. Then, he took a step back and leaned in to kiss passionately.
Finn stepped back, out of breath.
"I want you to remember me this way." said Finn looking directly in Rachel's eyes. "And, if the bright lights spit you out, know that my arms will be waiting to comfort you." He added, as one tears rolled from his eyes.
"I don't expect nor want you to wait for me!" said Rachel's voice, shaking, between two slobbers.
"I know, but…" Finn started to say before Rachel hugged him once more.
Knowing that the train was about to go soon, Finn stepped back, but Rachel didn't let him go.
After few minutes, Rachel finally stepped back, whipped her tears and went on board, not looking at Finn.
He watched her go, lost for words. He couldn't believe that it was the last time they ever see, he refused to believe so.
Rachel sat next to the window where she could see Finn standing, blankly.
The engine started slowly, the departure horn resonated and the wheels started to roll away.
"Have a nice life Finn." screamed Rachel.
Finn didn't answer; he ran a long side the train until the end of the platform. Then, he watched the train leaving, taking a part of him with it.
Rachel cried for a while after the train's departure. She couldn't stop thinking to what she was leaving behind; her family, her friends, her first love.
She had always pictured her future with Finn. She had never imagined anybody but him to be her first. She had often dreamed that she would marry him and have his children, but now she had to erase those pictures and replace it a dream. However, she knew that this could be the start of something good, something she had been waiting all her life.
A little less than tow hours after her departure, she began to see the bright lights of New York City through the windows; it made her smile. The lights were bewitching her. She hopped that they could shine enough to help her forget about Lima Ohio and a certain Finn Hudson.
The train was long gone, but a tall silhouette was still standing on the far end of the platform 8 in Lima train's station. Finn stayed there, for minutes, dumbfounded. He couldn't believe she was gone. Yes, he knew she would get out of Lima, but not this soon. He knew he had been selfish, but he didn't care, he wanted her, he needed her, but, now, she was gone, forever.
Starring at the ground, he walked toward his car slowly and got in. Then, suddenly, he hit the steering wheels with his fists; he had to let his anger out. After ten big hits on the steering wheel, he let himself fall onto it and cried.
After 10 minutes, he whipped his tears and fastened his seatbelt. Seconds later, he started his car and went away. Unable to hear his brain screams Rachel's name anymore, he decided to pump up the radio; music could certainly help him getting his mind off the pain he was feeling.
Hearing the song's beginning and recognizing it, he started to sing as loud as he could.
You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you
You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me, I will wait for you
So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me
Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left 'em, I'll be here for you.
Oh, and I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me
And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here, waiting to see
You find you...come back to me
And I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't fix you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do.
So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me
Come back to me
When you find you...come back to me
When you find you...come back to me
When I find you...come back to me
Finn arrived home as the song ended. He parked his car in the driveway. He got off it, walked to the door and entered the house. The lights were all out and there was no sign of any presence in the house.
Noiseless, he opened the light of the living room and found a note on the table.
Finn,
We're all at Mercedes's. You should come. You shouldn't be alone tonight.
Kurt
Finn took the note, folded it and threw it in the trash can.
He didn't feel like seeing anybody. He felt sore, queasy and he had a major headache. All he wanted to do was to get upstairs, close the lights and sleep.
Once upstairs, without opening the lights, he stripped down to his boxer and t-shirt and threw himself into his bed.
When his heard hit his pillow, he heard a rustling. So, he grabbed the paper. He stretched to open the light to be able to read the message.
You are my gold star. Rach XXX
He read it again and again.
Then, he closed back the light and spread himself into his bed.
That night, Finn made himself a promise. He would prove himself to be worth Rachel Berry and, one day, she would come back to him or he would get back to her because no way in hell he would let her go that easy.
Song: Come back to me by David Cook.