"Tell me Jenny," he said softly, trying to keep his tone non-threatening. "Tell me about the dream."
Jenny's head jerked up and she withdrew her hand, wrapping her arms around herself. And he knew there was more going on than what she'd said.
"How...?" she asked, barely above a whisper.
"I was awake. I heard you call my name, and then the sound of you and Rachel talking." He waited to see if she would look at him. "Talk to me Jen, tell me what was so bad. Talking about it has got to be better than keeping it inside."
She shook her head. "Not this time."
Wondering what was going on in her mind right now, Gibbs waited. And waited. And waited. Calling on reserves of patience he hadn't actually realized he possessed, Gibbs waited to hear what his wife had seen. And then she told him, in short sentences full of painful words. Suddenly he understood why she'd turned on him this morning, why she'd said what she did. What could be worse than seeing the only safe man left in the same place as the one that made you afraid to begin with?
"I'm sorry Jenny," Gibbs whispered. "Im sorry I was there, in your dream. I'm sorry I wasn't there, to hold you when you woke up."
"I would've been afraid," her broken voice said.
"And I would've showed you there was nothing to fear," he countered, "it's what I've been trying to do for weeks."
"I know," Jenny nodded, finally looking up at him.
"Are you still afraid...now?" he ventured at last.
When she stared into his eyes, Gibbs felt bare. All defenses gone, all pretense stripped away. And again he waited, wondering, hoping, praying she'd find what she was looking for in the depths of the windows to his soul. Some of the tension drained away from Jenny's face when she finally finished her assessment.
"I think I need you now Jethro."
Those words were all he was waiting for. He smiled and opened his arms, and Jenny crawled across the floor to sit close by his side. Gibbs held her, relief streaming through him. Step one. With cautious, measured movements, Jenny put her left hand on his chest, and held it there to feel his heart. Tha-thump, tha-thump. The same familiar beat that had lulled her to sleep so many nights. Both hands then crept up to his face, running over the stubble he'd forgotten to shave in his hurry to leave this morning. Gibbs closed his eyes and savoured the feel of her hands on him. Two days felt like forever when someone thrived on touch as much as they did. Finally she leaned in and pressed her soft lips against his cheek.
"I'm sorry," she nestled her head on his shoulder. "All that hurt and frustration, all that distance because I jumped to conclusions."
"It takes two Jen. I should've explained. I should've talked to you long before now." He ran his hand up and down her back slowly, warming her inside and out.
Jenny's sigh was a release of two days worth of dark thoughts and painful wonderings and frankly, she was glad to let them go. A small laugh escaped.
"We are just one big mess, aren't we?"
Gibbs chuckled. "Some days I guess we are Jen. But the rest of the time I think we make up for it."
She nodded without moving away from him. Gibbs' eyes suddenly fell on an object on the other side of the elevator.
"What's the book Jen?"
If he hadn't been holding her, Gibbs might not have felt the way she flinched. There was silence, but like every other time, he waited it out.
"Kristyn gave it to me," Jenny explained at last. There was no sense in keeping secrets. "She's made it part of my therapy to write down, well...everything."
Gibbs didn't like the weight that was given to the last word. "Everything?"
She nodded. "I don't want to. I hate remembering it...writing it down makes it both real and permanent."
"Is it supposed to help?" he asked, frowning.
"Supposed to, that's what Kristyn said. And Rachel talked about journaling too." She shrugged. "It's a work in progress."
"What are you supposed to do?" Gibbs asked, figuring he might as well know.
"Write down something every day. She wants details about the forty hours, and my feelings about you and intimacy and a whole bunch of other things. I only just started it yesterday."
Gibbs debated asking the next question, but they were playing therapy now so he couldn't keep anything hidden. "Is it something you can share with me?"
Jenny appreciated the way her husband worded the question. She reached forward and picked up the blue book, running her hand protectively over the covers.
"One day, maybe, when I've had more time to process what is being written here. Not right now."
It was a fair answer and Gibbs appreciated her honesty more than Jenny knew.
They were content to sit in silence for awhile, Gibbs running his fingers over Jenny's hand in a soothing motion. He leaned his head against hers.
"I meant what I said in the gym, you and Ziva did a fantastic job."
She smiled, though he couldn't see it. "I know you wouldn't lie about that."
"How did it feel?"
"To fight again?" she clarified. "Like I'd never stopped. Being called 'Agent Shepard' took me back to Europe. Ziva and I used to do skills demonstrations all the time."
"I thought it would be good for you," Gibbs said quietly, waiting for the reaction. He'd hate for her to find out some other way. Better just to tell her now.
Jenny sat up and stared at him. "You set that up?"
He nodded. "Me and Ziva." He didn't like the look on her face. "I had to do something Jenny. Just telling you that you were a well trained and highly skilled individual wasn't going to restore your confidence in yourself. That was all I could think of."
Jenny felt a bit betrayed, but she could see it from her husband's point of view as well. "I wondered," she said softly.
Gibbs jerked his gaze towards her. "Really?"
She shrugged. "It seemed to fit with Ziva, but it did come out of nowhere. Still," she looked back at him. "I guess I can't get angry at you when it did help."
Gibbs brightened. "Good. That's all I wanted."
"Silly man," Jenny settled back against him, "that's all you ever want to do."
He would argue that, but she didn't hate him, so he didn't bother. It was a long time before he broke the silence to ask another question.
"Tell me about therapy yesterday?"
Jenny groaned. "She made me say it."
"Say what?"
Jenny pinched the bridge of her nose, repeating the words softly, hoping they wouldn't hurt him. "That I was raped. Something about saying it out loud..." She shrugged. "Maybe Dr. Renway is right, but I could say it a million times and I would still hate that word and what it means. It means everything has changed. It means you and I will always be different, always bear the scars of what happened that night." Jenny sighed. "I don't want it to be different Jethro. I just want us back."
Gibbs squeezed her tighter. "We'll always have us Jenny, that part's not going to change."
Jenny poked him in the arm. "You know what I mean."
"That will come Jenny, when you're ready."
"What if I want to be ready?"
Gibb's throat tightened. Whether they needed to be clarified or not, these questions were not helping his resolve to wait for her. He cleared his throat. "Then I guess that is a good first step."
Jenny could feel the tension in the way her husband's muscle's tightened and his breathing became heavier. She knew the feeling. All she could think about were how many days since they'd last enjoyed making love to each other. Because that was almost the same amount of days that Jenny had thought of it as abuse instead of love.
After a moment she continued. "We talked about flashbacks, lots of detail on that, mostly what I already know because they've been showing up. Kristyn wanted me to tell you something."
"Yeah?" he asked. "What's that?"
"I know I'm supposed to tell you what I need: how to respond in certain situations, what touch is alright, when things are making me nervous. But the truth is I don't always know what I need or what will help. Just so you know you're not alone in being uncertain."
"Good to know Jen," Gibbs replied, glad to be free of some of the weight. If even she didn't know, they would have to discover what worked together.
"I'm sorry, about what I said this morning," Jenny's words were pained. "I didn't mean it, not really. I hated that I was hurting but there was no one else, nowhere else to put all the feelings that the dream brought up. I trust you to keep your word Jethro."
Gibbs wove his fingers with hers. "Do you trust me for more than that?"
She screwed up her face. "What do you mean?"
"I mean you keep breaking trust into little pieces and deciding this piece is safe to give me and so is that piece. But what about the others?"
"I don't..." Jenny began.
"Example: when we went for our walk Tuesday night, you said you trusted me to keep you safe. Today you say you trust me to keep my word. But do you trust me for everything?"
Jenny had to look away from the truth in her husband's eyes. "I hadn't thought about it that way," she said after a moment.
Gibbs gently brought Jenny's face back towards him, caressing her cheek with his thumb. "And now?"
She sighed. "I think...that I'm re-learning trust a little at a time. Every time you do what you say you will, as you've always done, then that piece goes back into the puzzle that is my life." Jenny kept her eyes on his. "I don't suppose it will help if I tell you I want to be able to trust you for everything?"
Gibbs knew that just like every other time, for now Jenny was giving what she could. He hugged her close again. "It's enough Jen," he whispered.
Jenny relaxed against her husband, glad to be wrapped in his arms again. She hated when things were strained between them and it was happening so often now. She was grateful that he had kept fighting for them.
"Thank you," she said quietly, running her hand over his chest.
"For what?" Gibbs asked, curious.
Jenny laughed. "Locking us in the elevator so we could talk. It only would've gotten worse if we'd gone into the weekend like we were."
Gibbs twirled a piece of Jenny's hair around his finger. "Can't take all the credit."
"No?" Jenny lifted her head from his shoulder, wanting to see his face.
Gibbs rubbed the back of his neck. "Ducky was the one who talked some sense into me this morning."
Jenny's forehead wrinkled. "About what?"
"Us," he said sincerely, "and trying to work things out."
She traced the veins on his hand for a moment. "Did you want to give up on us Jethro?"
They'd settled her fears Tuesday night regarding her insecurities about their relationship, but being afraid to lose him would probably never leave her.
He shook his head. "I didn't want to give up Jen. It's just really, really hard to hope for things to get better when we're not talking, when I can't touch and hold you through this, when it feels like everything I try just makes this whole thing worse."
"I know," Jenny said slowly, "and I shouldn't always expect you to be the strong one, always being the one to fight to bring us back from the edge."
Gibbs took her hands in his. "I always want to be that for you Jenny, but I need you too."
Jenny saw it in his eyes, he was afraid to lose her as well. She just nodded and buried her face in his neck while her husband held her, their breathing rhythms blending and matching, their hearts beating in time with each other. There was no going back. There was only moving forward and the only way they could do that was together. Hand in hand, heart by heart, taking each step as one.
After a long time, Jenny looked at her watch and her eyebrows jumped up. "Jethro," she said slowly, "we've been in here for three hours."
Gibbs chuckled. "It's a good thing there's stairs then."
Jenny shoved his shoulder. "If we don't get this thing moving again, Maintenance is going to get sick of the phone calls and actually come take a look."
Gibbs brushed back her hair. "This was more important than keeping Maintenance's frustration level down." He shifted. "Although, when your back end starts to fall asleep, maybe it is time to wrap things up." He stood slowly, hearing the creaks and cracks in his knees and back.
He looked down at his wife and offered his hands to pull her up. Jenny accepted and suddenly they were standing face to face, mere inches separating them. Gibbs' eyes fell to Jenny's lips and she saw the need in them. She lifted her face to his, giving silent permission.
"Jen," he said her name so softly before his lowering his mouth and pressing his lips gently against hers. He had to stop himself from moaning in pleasure. He hadn't kissed her since Tuesday and he missed everything about her.
Gibbs worked his fingers into Jenny's hair, pulling her closer. Their kiss was not a reflection of passion, but rather a declaration of their desperate need for each other. It was comfort, love, two days of missing each other, and a lot of apology, all wrapped up in one.
They only parted to take a breath before Gibbs captured her lips again, deepening the kiss and taking her with him. When Jenny felt the tone change and his touch grow more urgent, she pulled back, breathing hard, and shook her head.
Immediately Gibbs started to apologize. "Sorry Jen. I didn't mean it to go that far."
He couldn't help wanting her, but he could try to control how much he let her see. Scaring her now that they were finally on their way back again was not an option.
Jenny wiped her lips, her eyes twinkling, not frightened. She leaned in and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Not in the elevator Jethro," she whispered, leaving him hoping for more of this closeness later.
Right now Gibbs didn't care if they even got close to sex in the near future. What he really wanted was just to be with her, whatever that meant now. He squeezed her hand as she flipped the elevator back into service.
"I love you Jen."
She looked back at him and Gibbs was so glad to see the light and openness back in her eyes. Jenny wasn't hiding her heart from him anymore. The elevator dinged and Jenny stepped in close to kiss him quickly.
"I love you more," she whispered, leaving with a smile.
Gibbs leaned against the back wall as the doors closed again and the elevator began to descend. He couldn't keep the smile off his lips.
"Not even possible," he murmured to the empty air.
Closing his eyes, he took a moment to be extremely thankful (to God, maybe?) for what had happened today. Perhaps, finally, they were on the right track.