Chapter Thirty-two
Twilight is the property of Stephanie Meyer.
Thank you to my beta babe, mynxi. Congratulations on the job, baby!
Abject apologies for the delay to follow.
This one is dedicated to nicoconsd, my fuck-hot seat mate on the short bus. Thanks to her, I faced the fuckery that was the last three weeks of my life without raccoon eyes. Thanks for the shoulder and the waterproof mascara, nics. Love you!
BPOV
Jasper threw our two small bags in the trunk, shut it, and joined me in the back seat of the car. "Let's roll," he said dramatically, earning a laugh from Peter and an eye roll from me. Peter obliged and started the car, and a minute later we were pulling out of sight of the little house. I was excited and anxious as we headed away from where my human life had ended and towards the place where I would spend the rest of my newborn period.
It felt good to put the turbulence that had happened here behind us, and I allowed myself to relax as Peter headed toward the Canadian border. Peter and Charlotte seemed oddly excited, and I noticed Jasper looking at them intensely every once in awhile. The tension I was feeling continued to build, and by the time Peter pulled the car over just short of the border, I was nearly vibrating with stress.
Jasper ran his hand soothingly along my arm as we all climbed out of the car. Since my eyes were too vividly red to be hidden under contacts, the plan was for Jasper and me to run across the border and wait for Peter and Charlotte to meet us with the car. Peter smiled mischievously while Char shook her head in amusement.
Jasper raised an eyebrow at Peter and tugged me back against his chest, wrapping his arms around me. "Lay it on me, Peter," he sighed. "You've been wearing your eager face all morning. What gives?"
"Aw shucks," Peter drawled. "Can't hide nothin' from you, can I? Relax, Little Bird, it's nothin' major. Just a little change in plans for Char and me, that's all," he said, smiling at me reassuringly. "Now, we love ya both like wind loves blowin', but the truth is, we could all benefit from some time on our own. So, the two of us are gonna take a little vacation while you and Bella go get reconnected."
For some reason, the thought of going on without Peter and Charlotte caused me to panic. Jasper responded immediately by holding me tighter and tucking me under his chin. Char stepped over and put her hands gently on my shoulders. Standing eye to eye with me, she smiled.
"Sugar, you're gonna be just fine. This is a good thing for both of ya, and Peter and I will never be more than a phone call away."
Unable to speak around the knot of tension in my throat, I just nodded as she leaned in to kiss my cheek. She stepped away and Peter quickly replaced her, gripping both Jasper and me in a firm hug. After he released us, he tipped my chin up.
"We'll be there as soon as ya need us, Little Bird, but not a minute before," he said cheerfully. "Now relax and make sure ya keep Jasper here on his toes. He needs a little challenge." He turned to walk away, casually tossing a set of keys to Jasper. "Your car's waitin' just on the other side of the border," he called over his shoulder. "It ain't stolen, so ya don't have to worry about gettin' pulled over. You can thank me later!"
I watched silently as he got into the car, put it in drive, and pulled away. The sense of anxiety and abandonment was as infuriating as it was incapacitating. I knew that Peter and Char were only leaving temporarily and that they would return the minute I needed them. Unfortunately, that knowledge did nothing to stop the fierce desire to run after them and beg them to stay.
Just as my feelings began to overwhelm me, Jasper spun me quickly around and tugged me down to sit on the ground with him. Settling me onto his lap, he tucked my head back under his chin and began to rock us gently back and forth. The motion was astoundingly soothing, and I felt myself relaxing even before he began to speak.
"I know the change in plans is upsetting you," he whispered, "but we're going to be just fine, Bella. I can feel how hard you're fighting to stay calm, and I'm so proud of you. It's hard for me to watch you struggle to overcome your instincts, but you're doing a great job, Bella. I'm right here with you, and together, we'll get past this."
Closing my eyes, my body melted into his chest as I allowed his words and touch to calm me. Gradually, my anxiety faded, and I was finally able to sit up and look him in the face. His expression was soft and relaxed, as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened.
"I'm okay to go now," I said softly. "I'm sorry about…"
He placed a fingertip against my lips before I could finish. "No apologies," he ordered sternly. "You haven't done anything wrong. I know you feel like you're raging out of control, but you're really doing very well, and everything you're experiencing is normal." He flashed an excited grin at me and looked at the overcast skies. "Now let's go break into Canada," he teased, tugging me to my feet.
We picked up our overnight bags from where Peter had left them on the side of the road and took off for the border. I was glad we had packed light. Of course, the weight of the bags was no issue, but it would have been awkward to run with a large suitcase. It felt fantastic to run at full speed, and I relished the sense of feeling comfortable in my new body as the wind whipped my hair.
A small herd of deer crossed our path, so we took advantage of the opportunity for a quick meal. After drinking our fill, we quickly found the car Peter had mysteriously arranged for us. I whistled appreciatively, taking in the pristine Lexus sedan in front of me.
"I guess we're travelling in style now," I quipped to Jasper while he popped the trunk and tossed our bags in. I carefully opened the passenger door, freezing as the scent hit my nostrils.
"Shit," I gasped as the fire ignited in my throat, causing every nerve in my body to focus on finding the source of the mouthwatering smell that was assaulting me.
"Fuck," Jasper muttered under his breath as he rushed to my side. "Fucker forgot to clean the car out. Just go ahead and breathe it in, Bella. You're just smelling the last human that was in this car; there's no one in the area, so there's no danger. Breathe it in and try to get used to the sensation a little."
I closed my eyes and clenched his arms with my hands, trying to follow his instructions. Despite the fact that I had finished feeding only minutes earlier, every instinct I possessed was screaming at me to run until I found the source of this scent so I could drain it dry. Second by second, I was fighting a battle to stay in control. Horrified at my capacity to want to take a human life, I forced myself to think of the faces of my parents and the many people who had been kind to me during my years on my own.
"How were you able to be around me?" I gasped, knowing he would understand my question.
Slipping his arms out of my iron grip, he ran his hands up and down my back and rubbed my shoulders a little. "It gets a little better than this, Bella," he explained. "Don't get me wrong; with the exception of you, it's never been easy for me to be in close proximity to humans, but it won't always feel this intense. This is your first major exposure to the scent, so it's natural that you're feeling it so much."
I kept inhaling, hoping that repeated exposure would eventually ease the white hot feeling in my throat. Unfortunately, the torturous sensation didn't abate. Realizing that there was nothing I could do to decrease the sensation, I began focusing on my response to what I was feeling. The burn wasn't going anywhere, so it was up to me to find a way to function with it.
Standing up from the ground, I climbed into the passenger seat, immersing myself in the delicious human scent. Inch by inch, I forced my body to relax into a semblance of normal posture.
"Take your time," Jasper instructed softly. "We can stick to back roads, but we need to make sure you're not gonna jump out of the car if we pass another vehicle."
"I think I'm okay," I said hesitantly. "I think I just have to accept that it feels this way, and that I really do want to eat people." Even though I had been well aware of the fact of blood lust before I'd been turned, it was still shocking to me that it was powerful enough to make me want to chase down a human being and end a life.
He climbed in the driver's seat and smiled reassuringly at me. "I'll do my damndest to keep us away from temptation, Sweetheart. You'll do fine though, I know it."
I just nodded tightly, hoping he was correct in his assessment. He put the car in gear, and with that, we were off. The drive was tedious and long since we had to stay on remote roads and stop frequently for me to hunt. The worst part of the journey was refueling the car. I was far from able to maintain control around humans, so Jasper had to leave me on my own while he drove to more populated areas in search of gas stations. This process consumed so much fuel that we had to repeat it many times, each one more stressful to me than the last.
The separation was agonizing to me and it was all I could do to prevent myself from running after Jasper's sweet scent each time he drove away. By the time he returned, I was always a quivering ball of anxiety, and it took all of Jasper's love, patience, and empathy to help me calm down. Finally, he suggested we abandon the car in favor of running the rest of the way. I agreed eagerly, aware that I always felt more at ease when I was running. We grabbed our little bags, left the car on the side of the rarely used road, and flew through the remote landscape on our own feet.
Two days after we crossed the border, I noticed the air beginning to smell of the sea as we drew closer to Hudson Bay. Jasper consulted the GPS on his phone and informed me that we were less than an hour away from our new home. Enjoying the salty dampness against my skin, I laughed and ran even faster, eager to see where we would be spending the next few months.
Within several miles, the terrain began to open up a little, and eventually we encountered a charming little clearing with a rustic looking cabin situated in the middle.
"Here we are," Jasper announced quietly, slowing his pace to a leisurely walk as he circled the outside of the home. "It's not in bad shape considering how long it's been unoccupied."
I followed him silently, agreeing with his assessment. There was a long neglected flower garden overgrown with weeds, and two of the windows were cracked. Otherwise, the modest sized cabin was in good shape. Peering into a window, I was pleased to see that it was already furnished. Jasper had assured me that he would have satellite TV and communications hooked up for us within a day or so, but it was nice to know that we wouldn't be sitting on the floor until I was able to shop online.
Jasper unlocked the front door, and I followed him inside. It was a simple dwelling, consisting of two bedrooms and two bathrooms, with an open kitchen and living area in the center. The furnishings were rustic but in good condition, and the bathrooms were surprisingly up to date. I turned around to survey our temporary residence, feeling satisfied that it was a good choice. There were projects to occupy our time on the property, and I knew I would enjoy making it feel like home, even though I had no desire to stay here once I achieved a reasonable level of control.
Jasper joined me and we stood quietly together, looking out the kitchen window into the overgrown garden. His posture felt tense, and when he absently rubbed the back of his neck, I couldn't take the uncertainty any longer.
"What?" I demanded, more harshly than I intended. "What are you worrying about?"
He sighed and wrapped his arms around me. "Bella, I've tried to come up with any plausible alternative, but I can't. I'm gonna have to leave you to go pick up supplies and a vehicle for us. We can't risk anyone delivering stuff while your bloodlust is so strong, so I need to be able to get around."
My stomach twisted as anxiety overwhelmed me. Logically, I knew that Jasper was right and there was no alternative to his departure. Emotionally, I was incapable of accepting this development. Jasper lowered us both to the floor and settled me into his lap yet again. I felt him pushing calm and love toward me through my shield, and eventually I began to feel the manufactured relaxation wash over me.
"I know, Baby," he murmured into my hair. "I don't want to leave you. It feels like it will rip me in two, but we don't really have a choice. I promise I'll be back as quickly as I can, Bella."
I nodded into his chest and quickly pushed away from him. "Just go," I whispered hoarsely. "Get it over with and come back to me." In a flash, he jumped up, pressed a tense kiss to my lips, and was out the door.
The sensation of watching him run away was agonizing. It literally felt as if part of me was being torn out of my body as he walked away. Even more powerful than my bloodlust, the urge to go to Jasper consumed me, and it was all I could do to force myself to remain standing still. Closing my eyes, I forced myself to breathe.
I lost all track of time, just focusing on staying sane until Jasper returned to me. Eventually, I noticed the light changing as dawn approached, and I realized I had spent a whole night in this manner. Consciously relaxing all of my muscles, I decided to hunt in the hopes that running and stalking prey would have its usual calming effect on me.
I quickly located a solitary wolf and took it down, thinking momentarily of the Quileute boys as I did so. I continued to feel the pain of separation from Jasper, but the hunt substantially reduced my anxiety. I jogged back to the cabin, resolute that I would spend the remainder of the time that Jasper was away productively.
I tore through the kitchen cabinets and was pleased to find simple cleaning supplies. Pulling my hair up into a ponytail, I got to work fighting several years' worth of dust. I made myself move at human speed, finding surprising comfort in the familiar motions of cleaning.
Day faded into evening again as I heard the sound of a car engine approaching. Carelessly throwing my cleaning supplies down, I rushed out the door and through the yard toward the long driveway. I listened eagerly to the sound of the car getting closer, and minutes later, a large, black SUV pulled onto the drive.
In a flash, I was at the driver's side door, yanking it open as Jasper cut the engine. In the next instant, he was out of the car and I was wrapped tightly in his arms, our mouths locked together in a deep kiss. He lifted me up against him and I locked my legs around his hips as he crossed the yard and carried me into the house.
"I missed you so bad it hurt," I moaned into his mouth, trying to keep my hands gentle as I removed his shirt.
"I know, I felt it too," he growled, tossing me back onto the bed and yanking my jeans off. White hot desire to feel his skin on mine rushed through me, and I reached up to pull him down on top of me. Groaning, he pressed me down into the bed, using one hand to remove his jeans. He growled again and grabbed my wrists, locking my arms over my head.
Instantly, my desire morphed into a blend of possessive aggression, and without a thought, I used my newborn strength to roll on top of him, a low growl rumbling in my chest. Operating only on instinct, I held his arms down and pressed my mouth against his neck, eager to mark him as my own. I wasn't even aware that I had bitten him until I heard him hiss in discomfort.
The realization of what I had done washed over me, and I quickly sat up, one hand on his chest and one covering my mouth.
"Jesus, Jasper, I'm so sorry," I gasped, horrified that I had hurt him. "Let me see how bad it is." I tipped his head gently to the side, examining the crisp, new bite mark where his throat met his collar bone. The venom burned in my eyes, and I wished in vain for real tears to fall. Feeling vaguely nauseous, I sat back on my heels, looking down at my clenched hands.
"Bella, it's okay," he said urgently, leaning forward to pull me closer. I struggled against his touch, feeling unworthy of his affection. "It barely hurts anymore. It's okay," he repeated.
"No, it's not okay!" I shouted. "I just fucking bit you, Jasper! I hurt you and scarred you, and I'm no better than Maria!" Anger at myself boiled in my veins, and it was all I could do to not pound my fists in fury.
I looked up at his face, and his loving expression began to cut through my miserable fog of anger and self loathing. "Bella, it's okay," he said again, tugging me back into his arms. "It's just a little sting, and I'll be proud of that scar, Sweetheart, because it's from you. You are nothing like Maria, or any of the other vampires that marked me over the years. Those marks were the results of hate, but you marked me because you were claiming me as yours, Bella. Lots of mated vampires mark each other; it's nothing to be ashamed about."
Rubbing the skin next to the new mark gently with my fingertip, I looked up at him. "Can I do anything to make it feel better?" I asked softly, hoping I could do something to lessen his discomfort.
He ran his fingers through my hair and tipped my head back up to meet his gaze. "Licking it actually helps a lot," he answered, looking slightly sheepish.
"Well, lean back and let me take care of you then," I ordered huskily, gently pushing him back on the bed. His eyes darkened with desire, and I licked my lips as I leaned over him. I ran my tongue along the length of his neck and back before stopping at the wound I had inflicted. Gently, I touched the tip of my tongue to the mark, surprised at the neutral taste of the seeping venom.
Jasper hissed again at first, but within a few strokes of my tongue, he was purring contentedly. I felt the rumbling sensation in the lowest parts of my body, and my desire returned as I lapped gently at the bite, smiling to myself when I noticed Jasper thrusting his hips toward me again.
I continued licking his wound, purring myself when he ran his hand down my back and over my ass. My purr changed to a moan when I felt one of his fingers slipping across the folds of my pussy as his hand kept moving over my butt. Finally, he grazed my clit with a fingertip, causing me to squirm against him in search of more friction. Moving his other hand to my hip, he held me still and began to slowly and methodically circle my clit. I ground myself onto his abdomen, trying to get him to pick up the pace, but he just chuckled and held me tighter as he kept rubbing slowly against my throbbing bundle of nerves.
Frantically, I began licking his neck again, gently sucking the last of the oozing venom off of the bite mark. He moaned, and the vibration from his throat rippled through my body, quickly sending me into an intense orgasm as he continued to slowly work my clit with his finger.
Before the waves of pleasure had completely subsided, I broke his grip and slid myself down his abdomen until I felt the head of his dick lining up with my wet opening. I quickly slid his erection inside me, relishing the feeling of being filled by him.
He hummed in appreciation and began to thrust into me, but I quickly took control of our rhythm, riding him hard and fast as I enjoyed watching his face contort in pleasure underneath me. I kept the fast pace going while I leaned back down against his chest to press my lips against the mark I had given him.
"Mine," I whispered against the broken skin.
"Yours, Bella," he groaned, bucking wildly against me until he released deep inside of me. I stared down at his beautiful face as it tensed and eventually relaxed after his climax. Falling against his chest, I suddenly realized that I was trembling.
"What's wrong?" he asked quickly, half sitting underneath me.
"I need you to cover me," I answered automatically. "I need to know you have me."
Somehow understanding my cryptic explanation, he immediately rolled us over so that he was lying on top of me. My earlier aggression had disappeared, and now his weight on my body was completely comforting. He pressed gentle kisses around my face, and eventually the weird trembling stopped, allowing me to relax into his embrace.
We lay silently together until I finally broke the peace by speaking. "I'm so sorry," I began, before he interrupted me.
"Bella, please don't apologize again. I'm not upset, and even if I was, it was my own damn fault. I should have known that being aggressive with you would make you wild too."
"But I like it when you're aggressive with me," I insisted. "I've always liked that you're in charge when we have sex. It turns me on. I don't want that to change!" My voice began to take on a pleading note, and I tried to prevent myself from whining.
"Baby, that hasn't changed," he reassured me. "Your desires are still the same. What happened today was just an instinctive response. Your brain is working in overdrive trying to process all the new information it's receiving. Until you've adapted to the change, your first response to most stimuli is going to be either defensive or aggressive."
"I feel lost," I admitted weakly.
"You're not lost. I have you," he insisted. "I'll always have you." He continued repeating those words, shifting us onto our sides so he could rub my back. I tucked myself under his chin and breathed in the most important scent in my world.
"I think that maybe you're trying to stay too tightly in control of yourself," he suggested softly. "So often, I feel you getting worked up about something, and then you just shut it down. I think it might be easier for you to process stuff if you just allow yourself to feel what your instincts want you to feel."
"I'm not trying to shut it down," I protested. "I'm just trying not to lose control of myself."
Stroking my hair, he nodded his head. "That's what I mean, Sweetheart. I think you need to stop fighting so hard for control. Right now, it's normal for you to be out of control. You don't have to be perfect, Bella. I'm here, and I have you."
Nodding my agreement against his chest, I whispered, "Don't lose me."
"Never," he whispered back.
Over the next two months, I put Jasper's plan into action and stopped trying to suppress the instinctive reactions I had to everything. He was right, and I slowly began to feel more at home in my own skin, although we had to replace a lot of furniture due to my fits of rage. Jasper went as far as building a crummy little hut on the remote end of our property so that we could receive deliveries there without exposing me to the tempting scent of the delivery guy.
I continued to be very emotionally volatile, but Jasper was my rock. He took everything I dished at him without complaint, even realizing when I needed him to pick a fight with me. Although I never bit him again, we ended up in many wrestling matches due to my temper, most of which ended in fantastic vampire make up sex. We quickly realized that running really helped me stay centered, so we spent a lot of time playing chase in the wilderness around us, enjoying the changes as the long northern winter began to slip into spring.
We also did a lot of reading, and I enjoyed letting him share his favorite histories and novels with me. We did a lot of projects to improve the little house, trying to make it a little more updated before Peter and Charlotte decided to join us. However, we also spent a lot of time in stillness and quiet, just being together. It was almost a form of meditation for me, and when Jasper had to make trips into civilization, I found it helpful to pretend he was lying beside me as I waited for the time to pass. Eventually, I became able to remain upright and functional while he was away, although the physical discomfort of separation never lessened.
Coming to the end of the usual route of our morning run, I tipped my face up into the sun. The day was clear and the salty ocean air felt measurably warmer that day. Jasper jogged up beside me, and together we sat down on our favorite rock at the top of the low cliff overlooking the beach. I leaned back against him, and we spent awhile just enjoying the sound of the water crashing into the shore.
Jasper tensed suddenly and I jerked my head around to see what had disturbed him. I saw the movement of the little fishing boat seconds before the scent of the human fishermen on board reached me. Without a thought, I was on my feet, moving toward the edge of cliff and toward the only source of relief for the burning in my throat. There was no thought in my mind other than reaching that boat and the humans on it.
Jasper literally pulled me back by my ankle, yanking me to the ground and rolling on top of me to keep me there.
"Let me go!" I screamed, struggling against him. I broke his hold several times, but he reacted as if he knew my next move before I did and always managed to pin me before I could get away. "I want it!" I kept screaming at him, unable to comprehend why he would stand in my way.
"I know you want it, Bella," he answered softly, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me back against his chest again. "And at the end of the year, if you still want it, I won't stand in your way. But if I let you go now and you regret it later, I'll never forgive myself. So for right now, Bella, I have you."
Turning to face him, I clung to his shirt. "Make me not want this!" I begged. "Make me not want it!"
His lips met mine and he tipped my head back, allowing him to trace the bite mark he left when he changed me with a fingertip. We had discovered that it was extremely sensitive to his touch, and he often used it as a distraction when my emotions were out of control. I moaned into his mouth and opened the fly of his jeans.
Just then, the wind shifted, bringing the scent of the humans back to the forefront of my mind. Pushing Jasper away, I tried to launch myself toward the beach again. Jasper caught me by the hand, and faster than I thought possible, he slammed me to the ground. My breath involuntarily left my lungs as my chest hit the ground, and the weight of his body slamming into mine shocked me.
"I'm gonna make you forget all about that boat," Jasper growled huskily, pulling my arms behind me forcefully. Tugging my jeans down with one hand, he ripped my panties off before thrusting a single finger into my pussy. "I'm gonna make you forget everything except my name, Bella."
With that, he pushed his dick into me, deep and hard until his balls were mashed tight against my ass. The sensation of that thrust suddenly obliterated my urge to struggle against him and the desire to fight transformed into the desire to submit to him. My body became passive, eager to receive every stroke and sensation that he could give me.
"There's my girl," Jasper rasped into my ear. "I'm gonna fuck you hard, and you're gonna take it like a good girl," he ordered, driving his dick into me over and over.
"Yes," I agreed breathily, giving myself over to him and the sensation of what he was doing to me. He tugged my hips back and I automatically pulled my knees up to support my weight. The new angle hit me just right, and seconds later I was screaming his name into the damp grass as I came hard. His pace became erratic and he growled deeply as he came inside me.
Pressing a kiss to the back of my neck, he pulled out of me, causing me to whimper at the loss of our connection.
"You okay, Sweetheart?" he asked, his voice almost hesitant. "Your emotions tell me you're okay, but I still feel like I should ask after that," he continued. "It was pretty intense."
Rolling over to face him, I reached a hand up to play with his hair. "I'm good now," I whispered. "That was exactly what I needed." From the corner of my eye, I noticed the boat pulling away from us, the occupants unaware of the danger they had escaped. "Will I ever get me back?" I asked flatly, unable to reconcile the raving lunatic that had just tried so desperately to reach the innocent fishermen with the person I knew I was.
He shifted me into his lap and held me tight. "It will get better," he said gently, running his fingers through my tangled hair. "You're doing so well, Bella. Even now, you're relaxed even though the humans are still in range. You are still the same woman underneath your new instincts, and you will get yourself back, I promise."
I tried to let his words reassure me, but I still felt like a failure as we dressed and headed back to the house. Jasper looked at me knowingly several times during the walk back, but he didn't press me. His cell phone rang as soon as his foot hit the front step, and I rolled my eyes, realizing it was probably Peter with his impeccable timing.
Jasper answered and switched it to speaker phone. I could hear the conversation clearly either way, but this way it felt less like they were talking about me in front of my face.
"I'm gettin' bad vibes about my Little Bird," Peter said abruptly. "What trouble are ya'll gettin' into up there?"
"No trouble," Jasper assured him with a relaxed smile. "Bella's doing really well, but she's still convinced she's out of control and is going to feel this way forever."
"Sounds like it's time for us to put her on the straight and narrow," Peter teased.
I tried to be annoyed at the humor at my expense, but the thought of being reunited with Peter and Char forced a huge smile on my face.
"Judging by Bella's grin, that's a good idea," Jasper agreed, giving me a cheerful wink.
Peter estimated the two of them would arrive in about two days time, so as soon as Jasper hung up the phone, we got to work dusting and airing out the unused bedroom. The time passed quickly, and a day and a half later, I was practically ripping Peter out of the car as he pulled into the driveway. Jasper and Char watched in amusement before greeting each other with an affectionate hug.
"Lookin' good, Birdie," Peter said, tucking me under his arm. "Your eyes are starting to darken up already."
Charlotte walked over to us and I stepped away from Peter to launch myself into her arms. She looked into my eyes with her vivid red ones and tugged me toward the trail into the woods.
"Come tell me all about it, Sugar," she ordered, waving casually at Jasper and Peter as we walked away. I absently led her to a favorite spot of mine, updating her on the last two months.
"I bit him, Char," I admitted, again wishing my tears could actually fall. "I love him more than anything on earth, but I bit him just like I was one of Maria's minions."
"Bella, it's not the same thing," Char said, pulling me to lean against her. "The bites we got dealing with Maria's brats were just mindless acts of aggression. That bite was an expression of your connection to Jasper. Deep down, you recognized your mate and wanted to mark him. It's not uncommon."
She continued to reassure me that my behavior was not unheard of, and eventually we rejoined Peter and Jasper at the house. Peter took a turn trying to convince me that I wasn't abnormal, but I still found it hard to believe.
"I think you're just spendin' too much time thinkin' about it, Bella," Peter finally sighed in exasperation. "You need a distraction, something to keep you busy. Most newborns are so busy fighting for survival that they don't have time to analyze their reactions."
The three of them stared at each other intently before simultaneously grinning at each other.
"What?" I demanded.
"We're gonna put ya through boot camp, Little Bird," Peter answered happily. "We'll keep ya so busy that ya can't waste your time obsessing about your completely normal behavior."
Thinking about how much better running made me feel, I immediately agreed. Raising an eyebrow at Jasper, I sauntered to the door. "Let's go make me a badass, Baby," I purred, smiling when he jumped up to join me.
The training was fantastic. The physical effort was a great way to channel my restless energy and aggression, and I quickly noticed that I was much calmer during down time. I also became less defensive and fearful when I was approached unexpectedly. It was as if my body was realizing that I no longer needed the autopilot control of my powerful newborn instincts now that I knew how to handle myself.
Peter, Charlotte, and Jasper were all patient and thorough teachers, drilling me on the basics until the movements were automatic. Then, they began instructing me in more complex maneuvers that required me to suppress my newborn instincts. Those were more difficult to master, but before long, I was able to hold my own against the three of them.
Finally, we moved on to aggressive maneuvers, my personal favorite. It reminded me of hunting, and I enjoyed imagining Victoria's face on which ever of my trainers I was sparring with.
"Well, I think you're just about ready for anything the vampire world can throw at 'ya," Peter praised me as I helped him up from the ground after taking him down for a mock kill.
Smirking confidently, I tossed my hair over hair over my shoulder. "Maybe I'm planning on throwing some stuff at certain members of the vampire world," I answered tartly.
I was still torn between hunting Victoria down to avenge the murders of my family and ignoring her existence in hopes of never seeing her again. She was crafty and a master manipulator, and I didn't like the thought of having to spend eternity looking behind my back or worrying that she was building another army to use against my friends and family.
We kept in close contact with Emmett and Rose, who was steadily earning my good opinion. Her e-mails about Edward's bitching and moaning were entertaining. According to Rose, the Cullen house echoed with phrases such as "It's not fair!" and "How do you people live like this?" while he adjusted to life without the ability to read minds. Rose said that they were all pretty much giving him the cold shoulder until he started acting like an adult, Carlisle included.
Rosalie also kept us filled in on the rest of the Cullen family as well. Malcolm had apparently whisked Alice away to his property in the Scottish highlands so they could adjust to their new relationship. According to Rose, the two of them were hilarious because although they were clearly bonded, they had almost nothing in common and struggled to understand each other.
In her most recent e-mail, Rose had mentioned that she and Emmett wanted to visit in the near future, and all of us were enthusiastic about it. We expected them to arrive within the next week or so, and I was really looking forward to some new faces.
I loved my family, but I was starting to feel a little stir crazy and isolated out here. My blood lust was gradually improving, but I didn't feel ready to test myself around humans yet. Peter and Char had recently started bringing items from their victims back home with them to help me acclimate to being around the scent. It was difficult, but I wasn't tearing out of the house toward the car every time they came home from hunting anymore.
I hit "send" on my reply to Rose's message and closed the laptop, looking up as Jasper walked in the front door with an envelope in his hands. His expression was a little odd, so I smiled questioningly up at him.
"It's official," he said, tossing the envelope gently into my lap. "I've got all the documents from Jenks, and you're a Whitlock now."
His tone was light, but his expression remained a little tense, and he just looked 'off' to me. Confused, I quickly thumbed through the contents of the envelope in search of what could have upset him. Before I could ask him what was wrong, he headed toward the door, muttering that he was going hunting as he walked out.
At that moment, Peter walked out of the spare bedroom, buttoning up his jeans with a smirk. I was surprised at how quickly I had adapted to hearing other people have sex and ignoring the fact that they could hear me. The four of us weren't in each other's faces about sex, but nobody tried to hide it either. Peter was clearly sporting his post-action grin as he sauntered over to join me at the desk.
"What got J's panties in a bunch?" he asked, tugging a chair over to sit with me.
"I don't know," I answered. "He just tossed these at me and walked out without an explanation. It's so unlike him."
Peter flipped through the envelope, his face immediately illuminating with his comprehension.
"Little Bird, he's just feelin' weird about your name change. He'll get over it, don't worry."
"What do you mean? He doesn't want me to take his name?" I asked, unable to believe that Jasper didn't want me to share the Whitlock name.
Peter chuckled and shook his head chidingly. "Bella, I reckon there's nothin' that would make him happier than for you to take his name," he explained. "He's just a little old fashioned in some ways, and I'm sure he feels funny about you takin' his name without you bein' man and wife."
Shocked speechless, I stared at Peter. "He wants to marry me?" Marriage was just something that I hadn't considered. I knew I would love Jasper for the rest of eternity, but I hadn't thought about exchanging vows with him.
"Duh," Peter responded drily.
"But he's never said anything," I protested weakly.
"Sugar, since when has Jasper ever done anything to push you in a direction you didn't want to go?"
I was on my feet before Peter even finished speaking.
"Go get 'im, Birdie," he said gently as I ran out of the house, following Jasper's scent to one of our favorite little clearings in the forest nearby. He was sitting on a fallen log, absently toying with something small in one of his hands.
He looked up when he heard my approach, and I ran to kneel in front of him. His beautiful amber eyes looked down at me in surprise and concern. Making a conscious effort to relax the shield around my emotions, I tried to let him feel my love for him, focusing on how permanent it was. His face relaxed into the little grin he always got when he got an emotional high.
"Marry me?" I asked bluntly, grasping his legs tightly. His became absolutely still, his face a mask of shock.
"Jasper Whitlock, will you please do me the honor of being my husband?" I asked softly, reaching up to touch his face.
He continued to stare down at me, and my still heart ached as I waited for his answer. Ever so slowly, a smile spread across his face, and I took an unnecessary breath in relief.
"I do believe you stole my line," he drawled, his accent heavier than usual. "But since you did," he continued, reaching into his pocket, "My answer is 'yes', Bella. I will marry you." As he finished speaking, he slipped a ring onto my finger.
I looked down in amazement, taking in the classic beauty of the round diamond in the center.
"How long have you had this?" I asked bluntly.
"Awhile," he hedged, tugging me up into his arms and pressing his mouth to mine. Our kiss was deep and slow, the perfect physical expression of the connection we shared. Endless minutes later, we separated and I settled comfortably into his lap.
"So, you had a ring," I began, "But you've never mentioned getting married." Looking up into his eyes, I forced myself to ask my question. We were building a future together, and I didn't want any hidden fears to destabilize our foundation. "Were you afraid I would say 'no'?"
Pulling my left hand to his mouth, he pressed a kiss to the ring on my finger. "No, Sweetheart. I was pretty sure you'd say 'yes' if I asked. I just didn't want to pressure you because I know it's not really important to you."
"But it is important to you, apparently," I said firmly. "And that makes it important to me. I hate that this is something that's been on your mind, but you didn't share it with me. I love you, and nothing you could say to me will change that. Please don't hide something like this from me ever again."
"I'm sorry, Bella," he sighed. "I didn't think of it as hiding from you. I just kept telling myself I'd ask you when you were ready. I was willing to wait," he said, shrugging.
"But you were so upset earlier," I reminded him. "Obviously, the waiting was taking a toll on you. From now on, no more keeping this kind of stuff to yourself," I ordered.
"Yes, ma'am," he agreed happily. "Now let's get back home before Peter starts planning a hillbilly theme for our wedding."
"Shit," I grumbled, breaking into a run, nightmares of ostentatious white trash nuptials running through my mind.
I am SO sorry for the horrible delay. Some of the catch phrases from my last three weeks are… "We need to put in a few stitches to realign her eyebrow" "4 days of vomiting" and "the tumor isn't responding to the chemo." Big thanks to myxni and nics for keeping me sane while I took my 2 year old to the plastic surgeon, fought the stomach flu with my 4 year old, and tried to support my mother-in-law as she fights cancer.
Ok, whining done now! I hope you all have a joyful Christmas, and as a gift, I have posted the hot tub outtake I did for the Fandom for Preemies. I started it as a new story since I think there are a few more outtakes to come for this story! I hope you enjoy!
Two recommendations for you, in case you're like me and live under a rock, lol! First, tHirTeEn (sorry if I fucked up the caps- I did look it up, but I get a little dyslexic with caps!) by twolipps. People have been telling me to read this forever. I finally did, and damn am I hooked! Second, Behind Enemy Lines by Jazzella. This one is so crazy smart it makes my head hurt a little (but in that good kind of way!) She is spinning a really cool twist on the story leading up to Bella's birthday party. These two stories are both underappreciated in the reviews department, so please leave love if you check them out!
Peace, love, and joy,
heavy