Chapter Three: Unspoken comfort.
Sam smiled as he noticed the tear that was welling in his mother's eye as her great granddaughter was handed to her. His mother had always been 'a natural' with children and Olivia was no exception, it was obvious that Olivia was comfortable in her warm, loving arms and she settled instantly, without protest.
"She's beautiful," Marion smiled as she put the arm that wasn't around Olivia, around Maya "just like her mom." She said as she pulled Maya closer to her.
As Sam watched them together he felt a pang of guilt flit across his chest, in moving away he had deprived his mother of time with Maya and with Olivia, time he knew she would have relished. Would things have worked out differently if they had had his mom's help? Could she have helped to prevent Maya's pregnancy? He silently chastised himself for wanting to change what was in front of him, life hadn't turned out the way they had planned but how could he, as he stood there looking at his beautiful granddaughter, wish it to be any other way. His mom had encouraged him to become independent, to follow his heart and his career, no matter where it took him – it was her selflessness and support that made her such a good parent, she had only ever wanted the best for him – but she never wanted him to live his life through her, she had encouraged him, wholeheartedly, to etch out his own path in life and lay his own foundations.
Sam felt Naomi's hand stoke his arm and make its way down to meet his hand as they shared a moment of pride and happiness and looked at their family. If their affection for each other looked real it's because it was – despite what they'd been through they were forever inextricably linked by their child.
Naomi looked at Sam as they continued to uphold the illusion that they were still a happily married couple, he looked happy and contented – it hadn't occurred to her that he missed his mother, that he ever needed anyone other than her. She realised how far they'd come, here they were sharing an effortless moment of happiness with their family, after all they'd been through, all the ways they'd hurt each other, they still supported each other and it came so easily; it felt so right.
"Well," Naomi said, breaking the contented silence and contact with Sam "seeing as we're both surplus to requirements here, we'll make some lunch." She said with a smile, motioning for Sam to follow her into the kitchen.
They entered the kitchen and Naomi began to busy herself, making sandwiches and tea.
"Thanks for this" Sam said, passing her the bread.
"For what?" Naomi asked, although she knew what he was alluding to.
"For, for my mother," Sam tried to explain, trying to avoid the words that were stuck in the back of his throat "for lying" he managed.
"We're not lying Sam," Naomi replied, trying to make him, and herself, feel better about the situation "we're still a family, we still love Maya, support her, and Olivia."
Sam nodded, understanding her point, wanting to believe her explanation for the way they were behaving "but we…..we're not together, we're divorced and I'm….I.."
"And you're with Addison," Naomi finished for him, in a matter-of-fact way, but without any malice. "You can say it Sam, you can say her name, it's ok. You're with Addison and I'm happy for you, for both of you." Naomi did her best to keep her voice from splintering. She really wanted to mean what she said and the more she said it, the more she did – it was just taking some getting used to. "and you don't need to explain this to me Sam, I know how you feel about your mother, how you want to please her, protect her and you and Addison, well, you need time, I know that, you're only just 'you'- you need time to figure it all out, I get that."
Sam, who was slightly taken aback by Naomi's response, realised that this was the deepest conversation they'd had in several months, that Naomi was trying to be ok with him and Addison, she was trying to grow and be the Naomi he knew she was.
"Thanks" he said simply – he knew she'd know he meant it, she knew why he was doing this, what it meant to him – she still knew him, no matter what had passed between them, no matter how much they'd changed, grown a part; she knew him.
Addison, having spent the morning cleaning and rearranging her office, decided to go and tidy up the reception area – with Dell gone the place had been somewhat neglected and she was constantly having to sort through the disorganised patient files to find what she wanted. She wasn't usually one for cleaning and organising but anything that took her mind off what Sam was doing was on the agenda for today – feeling helpless made her frustrated and tidying and sorting was a good was to channel her frustrated energy.
"You look busy," Pete smiled as she bumped into him the hallway "frustration or guilt?"
"Frustration," Addison replied with a smile. After spending the morning holed up in her office, she was appreciative of a friendly face. "Hello" she cooed, turning her attention to Lucas, who was sitting happily in Pete's arms.
"We're just heading out for lunch," Pete said "you're welcome to join us, Lucas would like to see you," he smiled "and we haven't talked for ages."
Addison considered the invitation and, in contrast to the prospect of cleaning, she accepted Pete's offer.
"I'll just grab my bag." She said, heading back to her office.
"So," Pete said as he settled Lucas in a high chair beside the table "I heard Sam's mom turned up at the practice this morning."
"She's here to see Olivia" Addison answered as she played with Lucas, loving his happy, innocent smile.
"and?" Pete pushed. He knew Addison well enough to know when something was wrong, when there was more to the story than she was sharing.
"and," Addison said, taking a sip of her drink "she still thinks Sam and Naomi are happily married."
"Oh," said Pete simply. "I'm sorry Addison, I…." Pete searched for words of consolation, he knew how much Addison had put into her relationship with Sam, what she had risked, what she stood to lose.
"It's ok," Addison assured him "Sam and his mom, well it's complicated," she explained "I'm not a hit with parents anyway" Addison laughed "Derek's mom hated me."
"Parenting is complicated" Pete remarked, smiling at Lucas.
"Is everything ok? Are you and Violet…" Addison asked, detecting something in Pete's voice.
"Everything is fine," Pete replied "I just…you try to do the best, to be the best parent you can but you don't know, you can't know ,until it's too late, until the damage is done. I just hope I'm getting it right, that I'm being the dad he needs."
"You're a great parent" Addison said, touching his hand "Lucas is lucky. Just don't ever lie to him Pete, don't keep things from him, no matter how much you think they might hurt him, they'll hurt even more when he's older and he realises you've lied to him."
Pete knew Addison had a difficult relationship with her mother and father, she never told him any details, never let him into that part of her life but he knew enough to know that Addison was talking from experience.
The Bennett household spent the afternoon looking through old family photographs and reminiscing about Maya's childhood. Looking back on their life seemed to sooth both Sam and Naomi, as if seeing hard evidence of their happiness comforted them as they thought about their lives and the decisions that had made. They had been happy, they had been a family, always would be, but now, now they lived different lives, knew other loves and that was ok because their past, and their photos, would always be there. Sam's thoughts turned to his current life and his future – until now, he hadn't considered exactly what Addison was asking for, what she desperately wanted – it wasn't just a baby, a child, it was a future; a family. She wanted the chance to look at old photographs and reminisce about school plays and first Christmases. All he'd thought about were the sleepless nights, the mess, the never-ending tiredness, he hadn't thought about what a family meant to her, what she didn't have. He felt an overwhelming need to be next to her, to tell her he knew he'd been selfish, that he was sorry for being too narrow minded to see how much having a baby meant to her.
"You're not eating Sam," Marion observed as they sat around the dinner table "are you ok?"
"I'm fine" Sam replied, pouring himself a glass of water from the jug on the table.
"You seem distracted" Marion pushed.
"I'm just…," Sam tried to explain, he desperately wanted his mom's advice, wanted to tell her about the wonderful woman he loved, but now was not the time, the place. "I'm thinking about a patient" he lied.
Naomi, detecting Sam's lie, could take a pretty good guess at what was eating him – she knew he hated lying to his mom and knew he would be feeling like a fraud.
"Maya, why don't you and Grandma go bath Olivia" Naomi suggested, attempting to create some breathing space for Sam.
"Ok," Maya smiled as she looked at Marion "she loves having a bath" she smiled as she lead Marion out of the room and upstairs.
"Sam," Naomi said once she was sure Marion was out of earshot. "Are you ok? We can just tell her, I'll tell her if….."
"No," Sam said firmly, but with kindness "this is my mess, she's my mother, I'll tell her, I will, but after Christmas."
"Ok," Naomi answered, not wanting to push him, he had to do this his way, she'd support him but he had to do it his way. "I've invited Addison and Amelia over to dinner tomorrow night," Naomi continued "Addison said you were going out with Cooper and Pete and well, they're on their own and it's Christmas Eve and…I'll call them and cancel, I'm sure they'll understand, it would be awkward for you and Addison and…."
"No," Sam said "let's all have dinner together tomorrow."
"Sam, do you really think that's a good idea?" Naomi questioned, not wanting to see Sam go through another meal time like they'd just had.
"Invite them to dinner," Sam said firmly "they're our friends, I want them here." Sam said as he headed towards the door that lead out into the small garden "I just need to make a phone call" he said before stepping outside.
Sam stood in the fresh air and enjoyed the warm evening sun as it provided some welcome familiarity. He reached for his phone and called Addison. He wanted to tell her that he missed her, that he loved her, but most of all, he just needed to hear her voice and know that she was still there.
"His patient must be feeling better." Marion's voice took Naomi, who had been quietly cleaning away the dinner plates, by surprise.
Naomi's eyes followed Marion's to the patio doors and Sam casually leaning against the garden fence with his phone to his ear. His face certainly looked a lot more relaxed than it had at dinner. He had that smile on his face, the one that said he was happy, the one that he had never been able to supress and the one that had so often made her feel like the only woman in the room. It was obvious to Naomi exactly who he was on the phone to.
"He said something about calling a friend" Naomi replied, trying to make light of the situation.
"Must be a good friend," Marion said "to make him smile like that."
Naomi, lost for words, could only smile at Marion and hope that Sam would look through the window and realise he was being watched. She silently thanked the heavens that Marion couldn't hear what Sam was saying – that would raise a few questions!
Having made sure his mom had everything she needed Sam crossed the landing and entered his and Naomi's bedroom. As he pushed the door open and entered the room he was struck by the fact it was no longer his bedroom; it was Naomi's. Not that he had expected it to be the way he left it but it felt strange to be feel so out of place in a room that had once been so familiar, had been a part of him in many ways. He thought about how sneaky change is, how it creeps up on people whilst they aren't looking, how it is a constant under current which surfaces when you least expect it – just like it did with Maya.
"Shall I…..I can sleep in the spare room with Olivia….." Sam began, suddenly feeling like an intruder in Naomi's bedroom.
"Sam, after all we've been through I'm sure we can spend a night in the same bed" Naomi said with a half laugh.
Sam returned Naomi's smile and headed towards the bed.
Sam looked over at the clock on Naomi's bedside table; 11:45 . He'd been in bed for an hour and all he had done was stare at the ceiling above him.
"Go Sam," Naomi said sleepily as she turned over "just be back for breakfast."
Sam, surprised by Naomi's words, turned to question her but he knew exactly what she meant, she knew exactly why he was lying there wide awake and so did he. He quietly slipped out of bed and dressed in the clothes he had folded onto a nearby chair. He made a mental note to bring some clothes back with him, he couldn't live in the same shirt for the next few days. He tip toed downstairs and quietly unlatched the door and let himself out into the cool night air.
As Sam pulled into Addison's drive way he was surprised to see the light on in her lounge – he had expected her to be in bed. He navigated the darkened drive and, on finding his way to the front door, he inserted his key into the lock and entered the house. As he walked into the lounge he was greeted by a high pitched scream and a very naked Amelia. He quickly shielded his eyes and turned around as Amelia and her equally naked male friend dived for the cover of the sofa.
"Addison is at your house" Amelia said quickly, for once the young neurosurgeon was lost for words and feeling embarrassed.
Sam, without looking back, escaped the house and headed to his own front door – 'Amelia really needs to get her own place!' He thought as he crossed the drive and reached the safety of his own lounge. His lounge was somewhat quieter and darker and, he noted, much cleaner than he had left it. He made his way to the stairs and crept quietly towards his bedroom, as he approached the door he saw a thin sliver of light escaping underneath the door, she had her bedside lamp on – there was a chance she was still awake. He quietly pushed the door open and saw her in bed reading through some patient notes. He stood in the doorway, looking at her, looking at the way she was smiling at him as he stood there, feeling exhausted but feeling like he had come home, like he was where he belonged. She scooped up the notes and put them on the bedside table and Sam kicked off his shoes and crawled onto the bed and into her arms, he felt all of the day's tension fall away as she pulled him into her body and softly kissed his head and ran her hand up and down his back. They didn't need words, he didn't need to explain, to tell her needed her; she knew.
"Amelia is at your house" Sam said, breaking the silence and leaning back against the pillows.
"I said she could have the house tonight" Addison informed him
"She's definitely making the most of it" Sam smiled as, in retrospect, he was able to laugh about his earlier encounter with Amelia.
Addison chuckled - Sam didn't need to elaborate, she could hazard a guess as to what Amelia was up to.
"Is that why you're over here?" Sam asked.
"Partly," Addison admitted "that, and I was missing you and worried about you and being here, well, it makes you seem closer somehow."
"I'm sorry I'm not here" Sam apologised.
"You are here," Addison said, lightening the mood – it was late and there would be plenty of time to talk about this after his mother had gone home.
Sam removed his clothes and slipped under the sheets beside Addison, the warmth of her body felt comforting and their bodies instinctively entangled, leaving no space between them and giving Addison the opportunity to place small, tender kisses on Sam's lips.
"I'll tell her" Sam said as he returned Addison's kisses and slipped his hand inside her night shirt and touched her soft, bare skin.
"Sam, you don't have to do that" Addison's voice was almost a whisper, not wanting to break the closeness they were sharing
"I'll tell her." Sam said definitively – he was in love with the most amazing person he had ever met and he wanted his mom to know, he wanted her to meet the woman who had shown him life, who had changed him, who had taught him what it is to feel alive and to love in a way he never knew was possible. He wanted her to meet the woman who filled his every thought, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with;every part of his life.