Oct 6 - How strange to be home! Has it really only be two days? In 40 hours my life was drastically changed, I am not the same. I am hurt, I am afraid, and everything reminds me of what he did. I cannot be normal with my husband. I have never known that much relief, when he found me in the basement tonight, all I wanted was to be in his arms.
But the same hands that make me feel safe, are also the same hands that scare me, because they are man's hands and a man's hands also left my body bruised and broken. I wonder if I will ever feel clean again, if I will ever love the same again, if anything will ever be the same.
The tea cup in Jenny's hand wobbled a bit as she remembered her first night back after the kidnapping. How gentle and caring Gibbs had been, how he tried so hard to help even when nothing could. She had felt so lost, so alone in her pain, and all the comfort she wanted from her husband had been what she feared the most, the reason why she cried. Jenny closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm her mind. She had to continue this. She had to keep telling the story. But this time it was a different day, a separate memory.
Oct 10 - I kissed my husband this morning, he thought it was a dream. I felt like it was one. Except even a kiss wasn't normal. I couldn't close my eyes, scared that it wouldn't be Jethro's face I would see in my mind. He sent me flowers. Silly man. They must've cost a fortune, but he had a message to send, a reinforcement of all that I know and everything he's been telling me: that he loves me no matter what.
But they're more than just flowers. Jethro remembered one tiny thing I told him seven years ago about my mother, and he used it to speak to me during a time when words don't mean that much. He's learning a new language for me, and I think I will owe him more than just a thank you when I get to work today.
It was easier for Jenny to write as if she was still on the days she was talking about, then talking in past tense from weeks later. She thought about the first flowers and all the ones that followed those. Jenny missed getting those messages, except for yesterday the flowers had dropped off this last week, with so many misunderstandings and so much else going on. But maybe it was her turn to be giving gifts.
Jenny pushed the journal aside, having completed her mandatory entries, one for Saturday and one for today, and headed for her study, a place that got much less use these days than it used to. Opening a drawer in the desk, she found what she wanted and smiled. She was looking forward to surprising her husband for a change.
NCIS
Hours later, Gibbs finally set down the wooden mallet and wiped away the sweat and sawdust coating his face and neck. He surveyed the hull of the boat, pleased with his progress. But really, it wasn't how fast the boat got done. He would gladly spend the rest of his life working and shaping the wood of this boat he was building for his wife. It was what working on the boat did for him - comforting and soothing, providing a safe and constructive outlet for his emotions.
Tonight, after a couple of hours of pushing his muscles and bending the wood to his will, Gibbs was finding it easier to breathe, easier to think with a clearer head. He knew he couldn't let the dream come between him and Jenny. Especially not after they'd worked so hard to fight her demons this last month. Whatever he'd seen, it had still been only a dream. He couldn't get stuck on what had happened to Jenny just as she was beginning to be able to move past it.
A glance at his watch showed it was nearly 7 pm. Time to get back to his wife. Either house could be home now, as long as Jenny was there. She was where his heart had finally found a home again and Gibbs meant that to last as long as they both breathed. He smiled slowly. Maybe there was still time to make a stop on the way home. If he couldn't tell Jenny exactly what was going on, he knew another way.
NCIS
Jenny smiled to herself as she folded the envelope flap in. Her husband would get a surprise tomorrow the first time he put his hand in his coat pocket. At the bottom of the stairs she checked the time - almost 6:30 pm and Gibbs wasn't home yet. She didn't begrudge the time he spent in his basement, sometimes she was there with him. But today he'd needed the release, and as it seemed being to close to her was causing some of his stress, it was better that she stayed here.
Putting her hand on the bannister, Jenny headed upstairs. She felt like remembering right now. In the spare bedroom, she opened the closet and glanced at the labeled boxes on the top shelf, wondering where she'd put the pictures. At last she found the old shoe box and the new album right beside it and pulled them both down.
She settled on the floor with her back against the bed. Inside the box were many old photos, going back to her first day on Gibbs' team, when someone had insisted on a group shot. Jenny's eyes widened. How young she looked! Determined to prove herself and dedicated to becoming a great agent, she'd put Gibbs through a lot that first year, questioning everything and receiving her fair share of headslaps as she'd learned all the rules the hard way. Jenny winced, rubbing the back of her head in memory.
Then she was promoted and she and Gibbs became partners. Later their undercover op in Paris that brought their relationship to an entirely different level. Jenny loved all the shots Dekker had taken of her and Gibbs, laughing and in love as they walked the streets of Paris, keeping their cover as a married couple on an extended holiday in Europe. So many times she lay in Gibbs' arms at night after their surveillance shift was over, pretending this wasn't a mission but real life and that they were actually the husband and wife they pretended to be.
At the bottom of the pile were a few photos from their time in Serbia, Positano, and the former Czech Republic. She grimaced, remembering how both she and Jethro had been shot within a few months of each other - him in the shoulder and her in the thigh.
Jenny put her hand over the spot. She'd known that Gibbs loved her then, she'd never seen fear in his eyes until he'd appeared beside her, his hands putting pressure on the wound while she groaned in pain. The guy who'd put the bullet in her died with three rounds from Jethro's gun in his heart seconds later.
There was nothing after that. They'd accepted separate missions, their connection effectively severed by the letter Jenny had written. Gibbs was rotated back to the States as team leader of Major Crime Response, while Jenny was assigned to Mossad, working anti-terror ops with Ziva for the next several years.
Jenny tried not to feel regret about their relationship again, and all the time that had been wasted. She looked at the next stack of photos, and found the first picture of her and Jethro after six years apart. It looked like something Abby might've snapped, she was always looking for candid pictures of the team to add to her scrapbook. The two of them were standing on the catwalk outside of MTAC, arguing about the investigation into Ari.
A few formal ones of them at different functions, she in a fancy dress and Gibbs forced to dress up because he was her security detail. Jenny always made sure he was assigned, wanting to know if he still had feelings for her and if he'd do anything about them. Though the way he kept brining up the past they had left little room for doubt.
The saddest picture in the pile was one of the team the night Gibbs had quick his job, and said goodbye to everyone but her. Jenny squinted. She must've gotten it off a security camera. It was fuzzy and gray, but she could see the grief in each of their faces as the man they all loved abandoned them in his own pain.
Four months, five, and then suddenly pictures of them smiling, laughing, and loving again. Holding hands as they walked, dodging each other's shots one day when they had a snowball fight, sharing a picnic at the park, a lazy night on the couch. Jenny loved those pictures, she'd been truly happy for the first time in years.
And finally the album. The first several pictures were from their wedding day, joy radiating from them - even Gibbs was smiling - as they made their commitment to each other. Ducky had been their unofficial photographer, the only reason they had any way to remember their wedding. Flipping slowly through the pages, Jenny looked back at the seven months of their marriage, not noticing as the clock slipped past another hour.
NCIS
Gibbs got home shortly after 7 pm, holding a slender, wrapped package. He let himself in and reset the alarm. Finding the main floor deserted, he took the stairs two at time, calling his wife's name.
"Jen?"
Jenny looked up, brought out of her memories. "Upstairs," she answered automatically, and seconds later her husband appeared in the doorway.
"Hi," she smiled.
"Hi yourself." He came in and sat down beside her, eyeing the box of old photos and the album of new ones. "Reminiscing?"
She nodded. "I just felt like remembering tonight."
Gibbs took her hand. "Good ones I hope."
Jenny looked at him carefully and nodded slowly. "Almost every one." She suddenly noticed what he was holding. "Presents Jethro?" she asked, her eyes brightening.
Gibbs held the package possessively to his chest. "How do you know this isn't for me?"
Jenny arched one slim eyebrow. "Do you like flowers Jethro?"
He tipped his head to the side and shrugged. "I don't know. No one's ever gotten me flowers before." He sighed, feigning disappointment before handing the package to her. "But you're right, I did get this for you."
Jenny unwrapped the florist paper to reveal a single red carnation. "Thank you Jethro, that was very thoughtful of you." She stared at it for a moment. "Admiration?"
Gibbs put his arm around her, drawing her into his side. "Just one of the many things I feel for you Jenny."
They sat still like that for several minutes before Gibbs reached for the album, turning pages slowly. The pictures told a story, it was the story of them. There was Jenny, concentrating hard as she sat in her office, and in another one, confidence in her movements while they worked on his boat together. Dinner at a fancy restaurant, the first time he'd gone as her security detail after their marriage, not being able to take his eyes off his wife and the dress she'd worn just for him.
A summer picture of her in the garden out back, wearing a pretty sun dress, her hair blowing in the wind as she bent down to smell the roses. He loved that one. The next one puzzled him. Gibbs and Jenny, standing in the foyer of her house, in the middle of a kiss. But they were too busy with each other to have bothered with a picture.
He tapped the photo. "Who took that one Jen?"
Jenny giggled. "Noemi. She was in the kitchen. When she came out and saw us, she grabbed the camera and took a picture, saying we needed memories of those moments too." She frowned. "That one's recent, only about a month ago."
She fell silent, realizing it was a week before everything had happened. That was what they had to go back to. She looked up at Gibbs. "We don't have any from this month."
Jenny had been trying to take a few pictures each month, so they could remember the special moments, or the normal moments, from every stage of their life together.
Gibbs shrugged. "How about right now?"
Jenny smiled and leaned over to the bedside table where they kept the camera. She leaned close to him and held the camera out in front of them.
"1, 2, 3," she counted, and the flash went off. Jenny checked the picture and nodded. "Good. But that's only one. We need more and there's only four days of the month left."
"Keep the camera with you then Jen," Gibbs advised, "you never know when it might come in handy." Jenny wondered if that was a promise. Gibbs stood up and offered his hands. "Ready for that supper now?"
She pushed the album away and took his hands. "Okay." They headed downstairs to make the meal together.
NCIS
"Jen." Gibbs shook her shoulder gently. "Wake up hon."
Jenny stirred, blinking her eyes in confusion. "What?"
He chuckled, reaching for the glasses still on her face. "You fell asleep."
Jenny looked down to see a book still open in her lap and sighed. "Time for bed I guess?"
"Looks that way."
Gibbs flipped the lights off and kept his hand near the small of Jenny's back as they climbed the stairs. They changed separately, in the bedroom and bathroom, and brushed their teeth together in front of the mirror. At last all was ready and they crawled into their own sides of the bed. The two of them lay quietly for awhile, Gibbs' fingers absently brushing over her hand.
When Jenny was convinced he was going to stay silent, she rolled over toward her husband for her good night kiss. Gibbs felt her move and looked over to find Jenny leaning on her elbows, a small smile directed at him. She had his full attention now, so she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. It was a beat before Gibbs kissed her back and Jenny sighed. She met his troubled eyes.
"I don't know what you're thinking Jethro, but kissing and touching me, holding me, loving me - you're not going to hurt me when you do those things." She brushed her hand down his face. "And wanting to be with me even after what I've been through is not wrong," she added softly, and Gibbs closed his eyes so she wouldn't see that she'd guessed right.
Jenny leaned against his chest for a minute. When she moved closer, she let Gibbs decide when to close the distance between them. He did finally, and she could still feel the hesitancy in his kiss, his touch. She didn't say anything, just let her husband see the love in her eyes before she rolled over and got comfortable.
Gibbs waited and watched until her body was still and her breathing slow and even. Then he put his hand on her back, still wanting, and needing, to touch her. He'd seen the honesty in her eyes tonight and knew she was right. He would try harder to get past the image in his head, to replace it with ones of Jenny laughing with him and loving him, not afraid.
With that new resolve in mind, but knowing it might only last until the next time he saw fear in her eyes at a memory or felt her flinch at his touch after a nightmare, Gibbs slid over the space between them and spooned his wife from behind. It was their comfort position, something used when one of them was sad or hurting. Tonight it was both of them that needed it.
Gibbs put his arm gently around Jenny's waist, not wanting to disturb her. He was almost asleep when he felt her hand cover his and he stifled a grin. That little minx! She'd always been able to pretend to be asleep better than anyone he'd met. Gibbs kissed her shoulder and snuggled his head closer to hers.
Jenny smiled the other direction, glad he'd finally given in. She loved the feel of him behind her, the strength of his arm and the safety of his body. That had changed so much in the last three weeks, from fear and dread to love and longing. As she drifted off, Jenny wondered what her husband was thinking, what was really going on in his head every time he touched her? And was he going to tell her, or would he keep it all to himself?
For now all that mattered was that this was exactly how she wanted to fall asleep. They could worry about tomorrow when it came. Jenny closed her eyes and concentrated on the feel of her husband so close. It was her favourite way to be these days.