Author's Note: It has been a long time since an update on this one. A lot has happened between then and now but now, things have calmed enough and my writer's block has lowered enough for me to return to this fic. I'm not too good at writing angst and there is still plenty of angst to be had between Sara and Grissom.
After all, just because he's taking action now doesn't mean that a big eraser has come down to make Sara forget about his past behavior towards her and the prospect of them. He's got to convince her that he's not in a hot and cold mood. He's playing for keeps.
Disclaimer: "Honestly, it's not mine!"
Phil knew that it was him as soon as he stepped out of the rented SUV.
Not only did he fit Sara's description to a t, he had a look of desperation in his eyes. As a physician, he saw it every day in estranged loved ones of his patients. It was a fear of being too late to make things right, that their loved one had moved on enough to block them completely out.
He also recognized it from the airport in London all those years ago.
Kylie had blown into his life as an interior decorator. He had just moved into his own space after his years in the system and college dorms. Due to that (and the fact that he was a straight man), he knew next to nothing about aesthetics or how a home was supposed to be laid out. He had expected K.E. Harrison to be a man, fresh out of NYC and looking for a big, strong man to"decorate".
Kylie Elizabeth Harrison was the complete opposite of his expectations. Not only was she a gorgeous woman, she was a brilliant one, a strong one, and one who's look on life could be compared to a child's. She always saw the good in people and had no problems expressing herself, even if her metaphors got her strange looks. She had intoxicated him immediately.
Like Dr. Grissom, though, he let fear and insecurity rule his actions instead of his heart.
Kylie had been patient at first but after 2 years of cat and mouse, he had gone to her apartment, only to find a note…
Phillip, by the time you find this note, I will back on the soils of my homeland. I apologize for my abrupt departure but it was needed. I love you deeply but I cannot do this anymore. I cannot be stuck in limbo while you dither about what could happen, about what pain I may cause you in the long run if we ever yielded to our connection and we do have one. Even when you deny it and push me away, it's still there, tangible and ready to be cultivated. Our life together would've been wonderful. We may have fought and yelled but the end of the day, I would've remained by your side as your life mate, your partner. Alas, your actions or rather, lack of actions has made it nearly impossible for it to happen. I'm sorry for giving into a cowardly cliché and leaving you a letter but I could not bring myself to face you .It's not only due to the hurt you have inflicted upon me but also because of the weakness of my own heart. If I saw you, I wouldn't have been able to leave because even after everything, I still love you. I…I always will. I will miss you deeply, Phillip. ~Ky
That day had shattered his heart and it had been a wake up call. Being with her and risking heartbreak was better than being miserable without her. So, acting with impulse for the first time in god knew how long, he had packed his bags and went after her, fighting for her with the same fervor he had fought for survival in the Sidle house.
It had taken a lot for Kylie to rebuild trust in him, a lot of screaming and crying, but he had done it.
Despite Sarabellum's anger towards him, Phillip was quite sure that she would eventually forgive the good doctor and that Grissom would finally love her in the way she deserved.
Standing up as the man approached the porch, he met him halfway of the path.
"Dr. Sidle, my name is Gil Grissom. I was wondering if…"
"Sara's here. She's inside with my daughter watching cartoons. The question is: why are you here? My sister told me about her relationship or lack of one with you and I don't understand. Your behavior right now is contrary to any conclusion I've drawn about you being a cold, heartbreaking bastard."
The shame in the older man's eyes made him soften towards him just a little bit. Oh, he was still the man who had hurt his Sarabellum but he could commiserate. His dealings with Ky taught him just how destructive and counterproductive fear could be. He probably didn't realize what he had been doing until Sara had fled from him, leaving him behind with her angered friends and his broken heart.
"I am one, Dr…"
"Call me Phil.", he corrected. "And not completely. You're here, aren't you?"
"That may not be enough. Sara's a forgiving person but…after everything I've done to her…"
Phil's shields dropped completely and he placed a gentle hand on the defeated man's shoulder, making him look at him.
"She'll forgive you, Doc but you gotta cut out the bullshit. If I let you in my house, you have got to promise me that you'll be straight with her and not give up on her. No matter how pissed off she sounds, no matter how much she yells at you and says she hates you, which she will, you have got to give me your word that you won't walk out this door without her because if you do, not only will you not see her again, I will kill you for the hell you've rained down upon her for loving you. I'm a surgeon, I know how."
The fact that he didn't even pale at the threat gave him points in Phil's book. Sara needed a man with a backbone…
"I give you my word. Where's Sara?"
//////////////
He looked like absolute hell.
His eyes were ruby red from exhaustion and tears and his clothes were wrinkled, like he had been in them for days. What made her pause were the naked emotions in his gaze: regret, relief, love…
"Sara….Sara, I…I've been so worried about you."
"For once." she added on with bitter hurt.
"I've always worried about you, Sara. I've always cared about you."
"You have a twisted way of showing it, Grissom. Why are you here? Are you here to give me another plant? Or to tell me that the lab needs me? I left Vegas for a reason."
"Because you heard what I said to Vincent Lurie. Because you finally got sick of me being a cowardly idiot ass and decided to cut your losses. I don't blame you for that." he surmised calmly, confusing her greatly.
Why wasn't he yelling at her or being his usual passive-aggressive self? Why wasn't he scolding her for running away and for causing upheaval in the team? Why was he being so…open? Grissom was like Fort Knox and Alcatraz combined. He never opened up to anyone without it being utterly necessary. Sara had spent years on trying to be deemed necessary, to scale his impenetrable walls and to be able to stay.
Had she done it already?
"You shouldn't. You've treated me like the gum under your shoes for so long. What's different, now?"
His answer caused a little sprig of a hope to spring up against her will.
"Because I finally know what to do about this.", he said with the blunt truth weighing down each syllable.
I'm fighting for you, woman. Get used to it and don't expect me to go away anytime soon.
Instead of replying, she merely stood up from her chair and headed towards the stairs, mindful of his gaze on her back.
"There's another guest room right at the top of the stairs. You can settle in there. Dinner's at five." she said without turning to face him.
She didn't know what she'd do if she did.
"Will I see you?" he asked hopefully.
"Yeah. After all, I was here first."
And with that, she ascended the stairs and quickly shut herself in her own guest room, leaning heavily against the door.
Sara hadn't felt this conflicted in years. On the one hand, she wanted to tell to go to hell, to take his "epiphany" and go back to Vegas to his beloved career and bugs. But, her heart…her heart was urging her to listen, to stop running, to let him explain. Surely, he had an explanation for his behavior. Wouldn't it be worth the trouble to hear it? Not to mention that Phil had been right.
He had come after her.
He had read her journals and still came after her, not repulsed by her background as she always feared he would be.
What did that mean? Could Phil be right about his feelings for her?
Did Grissom actually love her as much as she (still) loved him?
Right now, she wasn't sure which answer she wanted.