This is a short one.
Thanks for reading!
Fran
Ron comes back to the same routine the second week of Harry's lock up. He walked into his room, they're room for they are still roommates, tried as hard as he could to speak to his friend, convince him to play Quidditich even if there was just the two of them, but once again Harry refused. He did not stop at all, he tried and tried until Harry yelled at him, screamed at him to get out and leave him alone. He did, he walked away and left him alone just because I asked him to the first time.
Then, maybe because we pushed him for too long, or maybe because he was tired of staying in his room, we found him on the common room staring blankly at the fireplace. Afraid he might walk out in any minute, we don't say a word at all, we just watch him as if were a ghost about to disappear. Until he noticed us, and got up as quickly as he could and made his way towards the stares, but I couldn't just stay there and say nothing, I couldn't bear to see him lock himself for another week. Not anymore.
"Harry please don't go" I beg "please not again".
He stays there, frozen, and for a minute I think he might turn around and sit with us like he used to. But I don't see him turning around, I don't see him looking at us with his beautiful emerald eyes, he just stays there. Maybe he was waiting for me to say something else, or to do something at all, but I was so afraid he might yell at me or even hurt me that I finally decided not to.
"Please don't go..." I touch his hand and for a minute I feel he wants to say something, he wants to grab my hand too but he doesn't. Instead he lets go of it so hard I almost fall backwards. It scares me how much anger he transmits.
"Just leave me alone" he whispers before walking upstairs, two steps at the time and closes the door behind him.
I stare at the spot where he stood, wishing my hand could reach him somehow, but he's gone before I could touch him again.
I turn my head towards Ron and Ginny, who like me where watching Harry closely. The sadness on my face speaks volumes; I do not need to share my feeling about the current situation with them for they know me, especially Ginny since I've been pouring my heart to her for the last week. They don't say a word either, probably too tired of dealing with Harry's pain and my own. My heart feels uneasy though, still too much melancholy and too much to deal with, even though I wasn't the only one dealing with him, I felt I was the only one who needed him more than anything.
So I excuse myself and walk away from my friends, I walk away to cry like I haven't done in years. Mainly because I felt helpless and because I miss Harry so much I don't think I can handle my pain any longer, and then because I feel he will never be the same. If there was something I could do, or something I could say to him for to make him feel better, but I can't. I can't even make myself feel good.
I think I've created a routine myself; siting on the common room by the fireplace, watching intensely at the flames to clear my head. I usually do this by myself, just lost hours of the night when nobody is here to tell me to go to bed, but this time I'm not alone. Ginny is sitting right next to me, looking as pensive as I am. We don't speak at all, even when there's so much SHE wants to say, because I know her and because the last couple of weeks I'm the only one who's been doing the talking he just sits there and listens.
"I don't think it's fair" Ginny finally speaks. I look at her for a brief minute and then turn my head towards the flames again. "And I think Ron is right".
"About what?" I ask, still looking at the flames.
"About Harry being wrong for treating you this way" she says "you care about him as much as we all do, way much. He could at least let you speak to him".
"I've spoken to him, Ginny".
"by that I mean both ways, not only you talking" she states "and I know what you're going to say, he's mourning and all that stuff. But does he have to be that cruel to you?" .
"He's been cruel to everybody" .
"I'm not talking about everybody, I'm talking about you".
She's right about that. He's been especially harsh with me for no reason, even more than wit Ron. It seems as if he was intentionally trying to push me away.
"He's..." there's really no way to justify his cruelty towards me, she knows and I know.
"Being an arse" she smiles at me and I smile back. It seems odd for me to smile since I've been crying so much for so long now. "I don't want to see you cry anymore, Hermione. You're too much of a good girl and you don't deserve the pain."
I sigh heavily "I love him, in" She doesn't look surprise as I thought she would be, and it's weird to be telling this to a girl who have fancied him since she was eleven.
"I know, we all know."
Somehow that doesn't surprise me.
"I'm only trying to help him, I don't want to see him suffering any more than he has already done" I say "but it does seem like I'm running in circles, and I'm getting tired, you know?".
"We're all getting tired, Hermione. We can't help him at least he wants to be helped" .
I hear footsteps on the stairs before I can say something back; we both stand up at the same time to see Harry walking down. He stares at us, walks a few steps backwards and retrieves to his room. Every time he saw us he acted that way, at least every time he saw me. I could have chased him, I could have asked him to stay like I did before but I'm tired, today I'm tired of chasing pavements, my whole body feels exhausted with this whole situation. We are all worried and he doesn't seem to care, apparently he's just waiting for this week to be over and leave everything behind. Including me.
"I'm going to bed, Gin" I walk towards the stairs slowly "there's no point in doing this anymore. Goodnight" .
As every other night, I cry myself to sleep.
Ginny never mentioned anything about being angry at Harry, never said a word all those time we talk in her room, I supposed she (being a girl like myself) understood about giving people space. I was wrong. She was as angry as Ron but was extremely good at pretending she wasn't. She fooled me for days, weeks even, until I heard her and saw her flushed cheeks shining with the dim light of the common room.
She was yelling at somebody by the time I came back from the library. Well, she wasn't yelling per se, she was speaking louder than usual and for a moment I thought she was arguing with Ron. Again I was wrong.
She was yelling at Harry.
"And just when exactly this whole mourning process will end?" she speaks.
"That's not of your business" Harry snaps, and I see him making his way towards the stairs, like many times before.
"Oh perfect! Walk away like the coward that you are!" she yells. Those words had the effect she was looking for, for Harry turned his back towards her.
"I'm not a coward" .
"Then what are you, really? Because all I've seen so far are the same reactions someone who's afraid would have. Someone afraid of dealing with pain and sorrow, someone who has a problem accepting the fact he needs help"
"I don't..."
"Oh don't give me the ´I don't need people help´ speech!" she yells some more "You've been doing that for weeks, Harry. Enough is enough".
"Since when do you care? Since when everybody cares!" he yells back "I'm the one who lost somebody, I'm the one whose name is in a damn prophecy, and I'm the one who has to fight with Voldemort and might die!"
"Hermione cares!" She yells and I shiver at the mention of my name. "She cares enough to give you the space you needed, she cares enough to cry herself to sleep for you, and she cares enough to convince Ron not to kick your ass when you yelled at her" .
From the point I'm standing I see Harry looking down at his hand, it looks like Ginny knocked some senses into him. I guess she was as tired as we were with all this; she was just waiting for the moment to explode, like now.
"She needs you as much as you need her, Harry" she says, her voice coming back to her old self. "Please don't push her away anymore, it's breaking her heart. She loves you too much to lose you" .
My heart froze, for a moment I wanted to pinch myself and pretend this was just a bad dream, that Ginny did not actually told Harry I loved him, but no, it was all real and it was happening before I could do something to stop her.
"Ginny, I'm sorry..." he whispers, once again looking at his hands. "I never meant..."
"It's not me you have to apologize with, I'm not the one getting hurt" Ginny turns around towards where I'm standing, smiling at me "Right, Hermione?" .
How did she know I was standing there was beyond my own comprehension, not that the tiny space between the door and the portrait was a fantastic hiding place, but still.
I step in, watching as a perplex Harry blushes slightly, although I think I'm the one who should be blushing, and Ginny stares at me with a smile on her face.
"For how long you've been standing there?" Harry asks me.
"Long enough".
We stare at each other, just Harry and me as if there was nobody else in this room and I swore I saw a small glimpse of the Harry I used to know.
"Well, I guess you have lots of things to talk about so I'll leave you to it" Ginny says and walks pass Harry not before whispering something in his ear, which makes him blush again, and then she disappears.
"What did she say?" I ask, curious.
"Nothing" he answers quickly, too quickly I think "Listen, want to go for a walk?" .
I frown, confused. We haven't spoken in more than two weeks and now he wants to take me out for a walk? Did I miss something?.
"You want to...walk?" I ask, dumbfounded.
"Yes, it's warm outside and I could really use some fresh air.
Before I could say anything he grabs my hand and pushes me towards the portrait. I feel so confused right now I'm not sure how to react, I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad that Harry is back, but his behavior right now makes me believe he's not entirely sane. Then again, he is my friend, I know him (or at least I like to think so) better than anyone and I know he's not very good at dealing with feelings, and maybe he wants to take a walk to clear his head and think of a proper way to apologize. Since Ginny said I was the one getting hurt by him, so probably that knock him off his feet a little. And the love confession to.
I don't know. I still follow him close, until the castle is no longer at our sight. We walk towards the lake, slowly, taking our time.
"Did Ginny tell you to take me out?" I ask.
"No, that was my idea" he speaks as he keeps walking, but I stop on my tracks suddenly tired.
"Harry would you stop already!" I yell, and he actually listens to why I say. "I don't think I can keep doing this anymore".
He stops and turns around to stare at me. Somehow he knew I would say this sooner or later, and walking like mental around the castle would certainly not work things out.
"You're right" he whispers "I'm sorry".
"Is that all you're going to say?" I snap "that you're sorry? for what exactly?".
"Everything." He says, his body language screamed for some sort of salvation, from himself maybe, from making another huge mistake like pretending he was strong enough to deal with grief and sorrow on his own. "I've done a bunch of stupid things lately, to all of you, and I don't believe you deserve them at all" .
"I understand that losing Sirius was something you were not prepared for, Harry. Hell! We weren't prepared for it either. But you have to understand you are not alone in this, you'll never be. You have to stop trying to be brave and mourn like you have to".
He looks away from me, and I see a single tear running down his cheek. He wipes it away angrily and I already feel guilty for making him cry.
"Sirius is dead because of me" he speaks softly "and you'll be dead to if you don't walk away from me".
"Is that what you're doing?" suddenly it hits me "you were acting like a jerk so I would stop feeling like I do?".
"It's better that way" he says.
"And since when is up to you to decide whether is better or not?" I snap.
"Don't you understand that Voldemort killed Sirius because he was closer to me? Because he was important?" he screams "The same thing will happen to you if you don't walk away from me, Hermione" .
"Why don't you let me decide if I want to walk away from you or not. It's my life, Harry. Stop trying to control it just like everything else".
He shakes his head angrily, sighing frustrated.
"I couldn't save him from his death" by him I know he's talking about Sirius again "at least let me save you".
"I can save myself, thank you very much".
"Hermione..."
"I love you" I say, surprising him by my statement even though he already knows "and nobody will ever stop me from feeling this way, do you understand me? So you can keep acting like an arse, keep pushing me away and I'll come back to the same spot. Right here next to you".
He shifts on his spot and I grab his hand to reassure my last statement.
"I don't know how to do this, Hermione" he whispers "I don't know how to deal with all the pain I'm feeling".
"You have to let go, all the pain is because you keep blaming yourself for this" .
"But it was..."
"No, Harry. Sirius was willing to sacrifice himself for you, it was his decision not yours" .
He sighs heavily and squeezes my hand.
"He saved me" .
"And that's exactly what he wanted".
And that's all he needed, all the words he needed to cry and sob like he was supposed to do in the first place. He hugs me, or I hug him I'm not quite sure, but before I realize we're both crying in each other's arms.
"I'm sorry..." he whispers into my hear which I shush him .
"I know." I whisper back "I love you."
I feel him smiling into my shoulder and squeezing me tight against his body.
"I know, I love you to" .
I guess everyone has a different way of dealing with the pain, but there's nothing better than dealing it with someone you love. Just like us.
THE END!
Told you it was short!