"Hello Jenny," Kristyn greeted her patient with a smile as she opened the door, "how was your weekend?"

Jenny took a seat and smoothed her skirt before answering. "A lot of fun, for the most part."

Kristyn raised an eyebrow. "Well that was cryptic. Want to tell me about the rest of it?"

Jenny shook her head. "Not right now. Later maybe."

Dr. Renway's smile grew. "You must be doing better. You don't normally bargain."

Her patient shrugged. "I'm definitely starting to feel more like my old self."

"That's encouraging," Kristyn commented. "But it also brings up something I wanted to warn you about."

Jenny's forehead wrinkled. "Warn me?"

Kristyn crossed one leg over the other and leaned forward in her chair. "My guess is you've spent the last three weeks waiting for life to go back to normal, back to the way it was before you were raped."

Jenny absorbed the words as if they were a blow. She would never, ever get used to hearing it stated so bluntly like that. It took her a second before she realized the doctor was waiting for her to say something.

"Yes, I suppose you could stay that. I want my life back Kristyn."

Dr. Renway met Jenny's eyes. "I know you do Jenny, but it's never going to be exactly like it was."

Feeling afraid and wanting to argue, cross her arms, or pout like a small child, Jenny settled for a rather petulant, "Why not?"

"Because," she said softly, "with the rape your life changed forever. Things that you did without thinking about them before, will not happen now without you thinking carefully about them. One day, everything you are doing with your husband will be fine, the next day you may have a nightmare or a flashback and it will feel like starting all over again. What you need to focus on now Jenny, is not how to get your life back to normal, but trying to figure out what the new normal is going to be."

Jenny shook her head, not wanting to hear this. "I don't understand."

Kristyn tilted her head and thought for a moment. "Think of it as a line drawn in the sand. On one side is your life before what happened, on the other side, is your life after. Now, the waves will eventually come and wash away that line, but it will always be there. Instead of looking to the one side and wishing for what was, you need to realize that you are standing on the other side and you need to move forward from there. It's about you and your husband building a new life together based on what is, and even if it is painful, leaving the person you were before and how the two of you were together behind."

Jenny didn't know what to say. The therapist's words slowly began to tear away at the dream she'd been holding onto of getting back her life, of her and Jethro being able to be the "them" they used to be. It was all unraveling in front of her and she didn't know what to do. She looked down at her hands, blinking back the tears that threatened to come.

"Will it never be the same?" she whispered finally.

Dr. Renway sighed. "No," she said gently, "not the same. Life will be different, but that doesn't mean it still can't be good or even great. It just means that sometimes you will have to make allowances for the intrusions this experience will continue to make into the new life you are creating."

Jenny took a deep breath. "Okay." There wasn't much else she could say right now. She ventured a glance at her therapist. "Can we talk about something else?"

That's the second time she's changed the topic today, Kristyn noted, willing to give Jenny the space she needed to process this new information but unwilling to completely forget about it.

"How has your appetite been over the weekend?" she asked.

Jenny rolled her eyes. "Not exactly the topic I had in mind."

Kristyn smiled. "When we're done, you can tell me what you did have in mind. But I really do need you to answer this question."

Her patient sighed and leaned back against the sofa cushions. "About like usual, sometimes okay and sometimes not so much." She wrinkled her nose. "Saturday my stomach was off in the afternoon and supper..." Jenny shrugged, "I kind of played with it more than ate." Then she frowned. "It was actually kind of frustrating, because Jethro and I were..." she hesitated, not wanting to come right out and say it, "...trying to spend some time together and I ended up getting sick for no reason. Or at least, there was very little warning. Sunday?" Jenny searched her memory. "Sunday Jethro was making sure I ate something for every meal." She shook her head. "He's persistent, I'll give him that."

"Only because he loves you Jenny," Kristyn pointed out and Jenny had to smile.

"Yeah, well, I guess I'll keep him. And yesterday, it was a bad day for everyone, a case involving kids. I don't think any of us ate much at all."

Kristyn recognized the deflection as Jenny tried to include others in her statement to make it sound better. She frowned. "I'm concerned about you just getting sick for no reason on Saturday." She tried to think of a delicate way to ask, knowing conversations about intimacy made Jenny uncomfortable. "Was it triggered by a memory? A touch? Something Jethro might've said?"

Jenny shook her head. "No. Really. There was nothing. One minute we were..." she shifted on the cushion, "umm...enjoying being together and the next I was in the bathroom with my head over the toilet." She offered a small smile. "Jethro was really great about it though, he just did what I needed and didn't make a big deal about it."

There was no way to talk around the subject anymore. "Sometimes, the first couple of times you try to be intimate after the rape, you will get sick. It's your body's way of reconciling something considered trauma with the same something that is supposed to be love. It could also be a repressed memory or emotion that triggered you getting sick without you realizing it. And it can be awkward and embarrassing and make both of you feel badly, but it sounds like that wasn't really a problem." Kristyn smiled. "You're a very lucky woman to have a husband who is so patient and loving."

Jenny nodded at the same time as she registered a complaint. "Sometimes he's a little too patient," she revealed, wanting to share Jethro's dream and it's effects.

"How do you mean?" Dr. Renway asked.

Jenny sighed. "I just...find it frustrating when Jethro looks at me like he wants me, but then he turns away and does nothing." She shook her head. "We've been together a long time and I've never seen him do that before." She chuckled softly. "He doesn't normally have that much self-control when it comes to intimacy, especially when we've gone this long without it."

Kristyn tapped her pen against her pad of paper. "Has he been doing that all along or is this something new?"

"It's something new," Jenny stated firmly. "He's been tempering his desire all along, but after how close we got Saturday night something changed."

Kristyn just waited and Jenny sighed.

"He had a bad dream. Well," she amended, "it must've been a nightmare. I had to wake him from it and then it was like we'd changed roles. He couldn't have me too close because of what he'd dreamed."

"What was the dream about?" Kristyn asked.

"The bunker." Jenny's words were quiet. "He said that he was back and that he could see me and the man hurting me. He could hear me calling for help but he couldn't move to get to me and we couldn't hear him and I didn't know that he was trying to save me." Just repeating Gibbs' words brought up the emotions for Jenny and she swallowed hard. "I mean, I know that must've been awful. I lived it and I know what it looks like, but he's heard the story, he talked to my attacker, he knows what happened. Why would it have such a huge effect on him now?"

Kristyn was quiet for a moment. "There's a big difference between hearing something secondhand and seeing it for yourself," she explained. "If Jethro got a vivid enough picture of what you went through, it makes perfect sense that he will now be afraid of hurting you by touching you or going further and doing something with his desire. He's had a glimpse of the memories you carry and the last thing he wants is to do anything that will bring them up again. He's seen what that does to you."

Jenny didn't look comforted so Kristyn expanded on the information. "I don't know if it helps, but you are not the only couple this has happened to. It's been a very rough few weeks for you two and it's not uncommon for partners to pull away in an attempt to protect you from themselves. You might have to tell your husband that it hurts you more when he stays away versus when he actually does something."

"That makes sense," Jenny said slowly. She was feeling braver and decided to share even more. "It's just so different than the Jethro I know. For example: Sunday morning we were laying in bed before church and just being together. When he mentioned going for a shower, I could see it in his eyes that he wanted to ask me to join him." She could feel her cheeks heat and looked away from Kristyn's gaze. "We haven't...yet, I mean...I'm just not...well," she took a deep breath, "I wasn't sure what my answer was going to be in any event, but I'd rather him ask than just pretend he didn't want it."

"Did that happen more than once?" Kristyn asked.

Jenny nodded. "That same afternoon we'd been," she bit her lip, "kissing for awhile and then he just pulled away. It was like he was stopping us before we even got to the point of wanting to go further." Her expression was open and baffled. "Maybe he doesn't know what it looks like when he wants to be with me, but his face is like a book sometimes and I could just see it. He didn't say anything...maybe he didn't know what to say." She shrugged. "It's just...frustrating when I finally feel like I'm ready to do more and then he isn't."

Kristyn was partly shocked that Jenny had just told her so much, she never would have expected that much candor from her patient. But Jenny had also told her a lot about how much progress she was making without really saying it in words. It was all in how she was talking about intimacy with her husband. There was no fear in her eyes, nothing like how she had looked four weeks ago at their first session.

"Jenny, thank you for sharing that. I have to say, I'm surprised, but glad too. The more I know, the more I can help. I like the way you described how well you know Jethro. If you can tell that he's drawn to you just by the look on his face, that's a very good thing. Part of what is so great about sex between husband and wife is knowing you are desired by the other person." She smiled. "And clearly you know that. It definitely sounds like the two of you have been making some progress. Have you actually made love?"

Jenny averted her eyes. Talking in generalities was one thing, answering a direct query quite another. At last she let out a breath. "No, not really. The first time we tried doesn't count because it shouldn't've happened."

"How are you feeling about sex these days?" Kristyn wanted to know.

Jenny started twisting her rings, something she always did when she was nervous or agitated. "I guess...I don't know for sure. I don't think I'm afraid anymore, but after all that we've been going through and what has happened when we've tried to get there...I'm still a little uncertain."

"That's perfectly normal Jenny," Dr. Renway assured her, "it's a justified feeling given everything you went through. But if I may offer a little advice - don't let what that man did to you take away what you can have with your husband. If you let the fear keep you from trying or the uncertainty push you away from each other, your attacker still has control over you by keeping you from something that should bring pleasure to both you and your husband."

Jenny nodded slowly, hearing the therapist's words but not feeling a need to comment on them.

"That being said," Kristyn continued, "I'm very proud of you for at least trying to be intimate with your husband, for being open and willing, not denying your desire to be with him in spite of everything." She smiled. "I think you guys are going to be just fine. You've survived what I hope is the worst of your healing, what comes next should just seem like small bumps in the road."

Jenny smiled but still remained silent.

Kristyn regarded her carefully. "Friday will be your one month evaluation Jenny. It will be our eighth session together and I'll talk to you about a few things, about your progress and what you are still struggling with. Then I'll decide whether to continue with two sessions a week or see if that should change." She paused. "The evaluation itself won't take up very much time, do you think your husband would be willing to come and sit in on just the first half of your session? I wouldn't mind speaking to him one more time and just touching on a couple of things."

Jenny raised her eyebrows. "Well, I can guarantee you that he likes therapy even less than I do, but since you asked I'm sure he won't mind coming. I think he's glad I have you to help me with the things he doesn't know how to fix."

"I'm glad I can be here Jenny," Kristyn said sincerely. "Now, back on topic. How's the journalling been going?"

Jenny pulled out the blue book and handed it to her therapist. "I thought you might ask."

Kristyn put her pen down and looked briefly at the neat entries, counting four. Then she gave the book back, noticing Jenny's puzzled look. She shook her head.

"I won't read it Jenny, not unless you want me to. It's for you. It's to give that needed release that comes when you put down what's going on in your head and heart. It lets you reflect on the memories and let go of them. You didn't believe me when I told you on Friday and you might not believe me yet, but it will help."

Jenny ran her hand over the cover of her journal and looked up at the doctor. "Thank you Kristyn."

This time, Dr. Renway had a feeling Jenny really meant it.