The urge to stay wrapped up in each other's arms and hide out from the rest of the world was overwhelming. In the past year, they'd become one another's safe haven, forever tethered and bound together by the commonality of the shared loss of a loved one. With great reluctance, Derek pulled back just far enough to rest his forehead against hers.
"Don't you quit on me girl. The best way we can honour Pen is to keep fighting the very evil that took her from us. To do anything else would be letting her down and that's something I have never done and I am just not prepared to do. When Haley died, I made a promise to her to keep our family together, no matter what it takes. Don't you make me break that promise."
"You ask too much, D." J.J pulled out of his loose embrace and swiped angrily at the residue of tears on her face.
"I've never asked you for more than you're capable. Tell me J, if Pen was here and I was asking the same of her, what would her answer be?" Derek knew he was pushing her, but he also knew if he didn't, she'd retreat so far into a shell that there'd be no getting her back. He refused to let that happen. He wouldn't let grief and guilt overtake any of them. Pen would never forgive him – he'd never forgive himself.
"That's low Morgan, even for you. You know damn well that Pen wouldn't quit on any of us; she'd be first in line and leading the way. But I'm not Pen and I can't become who she was, not even for you."
"Sweetheart, no one can be Pen and no one expects you to be. She was beyond unique and the cast was all but destroyed when the good Lord was done making her. But that doesn't mean we should forget what she stood for and believed in, what she would have wanted for us just because she's no longer with us. And I know for damn sure that she wouldn't want us to lose ourselves in our grief and give up."
"Derek..."
"J.J. Look," Derek said as he reached out and placed his hands on her shoulders, giving them a light squeeze of understanding. "In all the years you've known me, how many times have you ever seen me cry? And I'm not talking a tear escaping here and there. I'm talking full on, cry like a baby, crying."
Puzzled by the sudden new direction of their conversation, J.J. furrowed her brows before she answered him, wondering what he was getting at. "Up until a year ago, never. Since then, twice. The day we lost Pen and the day we said goodbye to her."
"Well that's where you're wrong. I'm about to let you in on a secret that up until now, only one other person besides myself has ever known." Derek let her go and turned to reach for the back of a chair, gripping it tightly while he fought his natural instinct to wall up his emotions. She needed to hear this, but he'd never gotten used to the feeling of feeling raw and exposed to another person. Keeping his eyes on the surface of the table so he wouldn't lose his nerve, he took a deep breath and began.
"After every case where we lost a child, I've had nightmares. I used to hit the gym until I was spent, hoping to be too exhausted to dream, but it never worked. As soon as I'd close my eyes, I'd see each and every victim that the Unsub took before we stopped them. I'd see them reaching out and hear them calling out to me to make it stop, to save them. The worse the case, the worse the nightmare. When Pen found out what was happening, she started making me go to her place or she'd come to mine, refusing to let me be alone after a case. Instead, she'd talk to me or we'd hold each other until I finally just let it all go, just let it all pour out. All the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the feelings of inadequacy, as well as all the guilt. Sometimes all I needed was just to talk, but sometimes, especially when the loss was great, or the case particularly horrific, I cried. But no matter which one, she refused to let me keep it inside or keep it to myself. And now since she's no longer here to keep the demons at bay, I've cried every damn day for the past year. Sometimes, like now, just a tear or two, and sometimes so much I didn't think I was ever going to stop." Derek stopped and raised his head to look her in the eyes, his own eyes filled with pain.
"My heart is in a permanent state of ache that won't go away no matter what I do. So let me tell you J.J., I know a thing or two about just wanting to walk away for good. But Pen wouldn't let me, not then and not now, and I'm not going to let you."
With that said and without saying another word, Derek straightened up and walked over to where she stood, her eyes wide and slightly shocked by his unexpected revelations. He bent his head to softly brush a kiss on her forehead before slowly straightening and quietly walking out of the conference room.