"She took my heart, I think she took my Soul."
Closer – Kings of Leon
In the total darkness of his personal cell, of his personal hell, Alucard sat in complete isolation and deathly silence. He had stayed thus for 3 days after the incident in the research room, still able to picture it with a pure clarity that caused him equal pain to the incident itself. He realized with heartbreaking certainty that only a microscopic strand of love had allowed him to stop himself on time. He would have taken her blood and her life in the blink of an eye. For the first time in his seemingly endless existence, he felt – felt with a clarity and eloquence that shook him to the core. He could not dismiss this with cynical laughter or amusement, the way he hid his feelings of gratitude towards his master. This was deeper, more real; and it made him realize something else.
He, Alucard, was afraid.
Far off, as if in a dream, he heard the anguished cry of her soul as she gave up on him – gave up on them.
Katherine sat in her room, staring at her hands folded on her lap in front of her. For 3 days after the incident she had lived her life in neutral; eating mechanically what was served to her, sleeping when necessary, working when required – all the while submersed in thought and painful remembering. She had finally come to her senses, come to realize what Alucard was in his most elemental and brutal core, and it frightened her. He was a monster, a darkness that held a deep attraction to her for that very reason, since she sensed how hard a small part of him fought to be decent. Not the least by saving her life multiple times, and protecting Sir Integra.
And yet, despite how hard he strove towards that goal, he had come within an inch of killing her. The monstrous part of him would always be there, lurking in the shadows, waiting. She could still remember the expression of lustful hunger on his face, not the good kind he awakened in her as well, but the face of a predator looking at its prey. She was afraid, more afraid than she had ever been. She knew he could find her at any time and nothing could stop him. She was powerless against him; her life was nothing more than a feeble, dry twig which he could snap in two with minimal effort. She recalled with even greater clarity the intensely pained howl of anguish as she fled from him. It broke her heart, but she no longer had the strength to fight for their forbidden love. With her mind made up, she rose from her chair and went in search of Integra.
****
Integra Hellsing sat in her office, smoking a cigar and thinking of the problem she was faced with. She had to make a decision regarding Alucard and Katherine, and she had to do it before any more damage could be done. She had not realized the depth of Alucard's infatuationwith Katherine.
She hesitated for a moment; was it only an infatuation? Or was there something more? Alucard had never displayed any feelings except for malice, amusement and cynicism; after all he was still only a vampire. Shaking off her doubts, she resolved to remove the problem; but that would mean getting rid of Katherine. Her work was excellent, but the distraction to Alucard was not worth the risk. He was her most potent weapon, he belonged to her.
Walter entered into the office, bringing with him her afternoon tea.
"Walter, I may have to let her go," Integra said, smoke billowing from her mouth, keeping her gaze locked straight ahead. The elderly butler considered her words a moment, knowing exactly who his master was referring to. He said nothing for a while, pouring Integra a cup of tea and placing it down in front of her.
"It would be a pity to lose her," he finally said.
"I cannot afford to lose Alucard."
"Agreed, however I think I may have an alternative solution to the problem."
Integra faced him now, raising the cup of tea to her lips.
"Well, let's hear it then."
****
"I quit."
Integra's forehead creased with a frown and she took a long drag of her cigar, deciding how best to address the woman in front of her. Katherine's eyes were fiercely determined, a look Integra had not yet seen in the younger woman before. Despite this new found strength, Integra could see how the last few days had taken its toll on her. Integra did not regret the role she had played during the incident in the research facility; it had been necessary to open up Katherine's eyes to the truth. What she did feel slightly guilty about though was the visible results the truth had produced in Katherine. She seemed even frailer now than she had appeared to be when she first arrived. Walter had informed her that Katherine's appetite had all but disappeared, saying that she picked at her food more than she actually consumed it. It showed in the pale color of her skin and the lack strength in her drooping shoulders. She was close to breaking point – Integra could tell.
"Did you hear what I said?"
"I did. I was merely wondering why," Integra replied coolly. Katherine gave a short, derisive laugh. Integra knew her question had sounded foolish; they both knew exactly why she had said what she said, but the purpose of her question had been to direct the conversation towards the problem where she could hopefully offer up a solution which would benefit both of them.
When Katherine realized Integra was really waiting for her answer, she sighed, directing her gaze down at her hands.
"I need to get away from here, from –" She halted her sentence, afraid to continue, but Integra knew what she wanted to say.
"From him," Integra finished. Katherine nodded wordlessly, her eyes still focused on her clenched hands.
"To be honest with you, I had been thinking it might be for the best if you left our organization. However, as Walter so clearly pointed out to me, we still need your talents. It would be a waste of our valuable time to find and train someone new, not to mention the security risk it poses having to introduce another stranger to our world."
"So what are you suggesting? That I stay and try to ignore everything? I can't do that."
"Not exactly. What if you continued to work for Hellsing from the outside?"
"The outside? You mean outside of the castle?"
"Yes. You may move out and go stay anywhere you like. If you agree to this, we can increase your salary to include a housing allowance. You will not be sent into the field again, your only requirements being to continue to manufacture new weapons."
Katherine rubbed her chin thoughtfully, weighing her options. Integra knew she did not really want to quit her work, that she was only leaving to escape her surroundings. Katherine was good at what she did; this opportunity was the best thing that could happen to her.
"Before you decide for sure, however, I need to warn you about two things," said Integra.
"Alright," Katherine replied, her voice wavering uncertainly.
"First of all, you need to remember that should you leave, you will no longer fall under the protection of our security. It is unlikely that any enemy will target you since you will not appear to be connected to Hellsing on the surface, but if for some reason you are targeted, there will be no one around to protect you." She wanted to say Alucard would not be around to protect her, but felt the subject was still too touchy to bring up. Katherine nodded to show she understood, which brought Integra to her final and most difficult point.
"The other thing concerns Alucard," Integra started. She noted how Katherine's body tensed.
"As you know, I forbade Alucard from seeing you regarding personal matters, but as we've both seen, his obedience goes only so far. In times when your life was threatened, he did not think twice about defying me."
Integra saw the way Katherine avoided her gaze, as though she were ashamed at being the reason for Alucard's problem with authority, but Integra pressed on, anxious to get her point across.
"While Alucard is my servant, he also has a mind of his own, something which I cannot discourage without robbing him of everything that makes him who he is. With that said, the only solution to our little problem lies with you."
Katherine's eyes shot up in surprise and she leaned forward in her chair.
"With me?"
Integra paused long enough to remove the cigar from her mouth before replying. "The only way Alucard will stay away from you is if you explicitly ask him to. In other words, you need to be the one to end this."
Integra allowed her words to sink in, watching for a reaction in the woman seated across from her. Katherine had lowered her gaze once more, but Integra could see the struggle going on inside of her from the pained expression on her face. She was taking a gamble suggesting this to her. Despite what had happened, there was no reason to think Katherine's feelings for Alucard had changed enough for her to sever all ties with him.
"Fine. I'll do it."
Now it was Integra's turn to be surprised. Just like that she had caved. It made Integra believe that perhaps she too had merely been temporarily infatuated, that her feelings did not run as deep as she had initially imagined. Clearing her throat, Integra said, "Very well Miss Elbourne. It will be seen to."
"Good. Then if you'll excuse me, I have some packing to do," Katherine calmly said, rising from her seat and moving to the door. There was a clear difference in her; she moved differently now than she had when she first came into the office. Her shoulders no longer drooped, and there was a cold determination in her gait.
But even though she tried to convince herself otherwise, Integra could sense the deep pit of despair lurking just beneath the surface of Katherine's false strength. She had meant it when she told Katherine they needed her talents, but she also knew now that while this was a good opportunity, it would also be the death of her. This job was slowly chipping away at Katherine, and it would not be long until nothing remained anymore.
She was only human after all.
****
In typical Integra Hellsing style, everything had been arranged in record time. Katherine had spent the afternoon packing up her belongings, and by the following morning everything was ready for her departure. No one other than Integra and Walter knew of Katherine's departure, and she was escorted out of the castle grounds just as the sun was rising, before the others could rise and see her leave. It was also the one time of day when she knew both vampires would be hidden away deep within the dark dungeons.
She did not mind the early departure; sleep had not been attainable, and she spent the whole night tossing and turning in her bed, thinking about what she would say to Alucard when she next saw him. He would no doubt sense her presence was no longer nearby and come looking. After the inevitable incident where he nearly took her life, he had left her in peace, giving her the space she needed, content to know she was still within the castle grounds. Now, however, it would be a different story; Katherine knew with certainty. He would come to her – no doubt; she knew because she would have done the same thing had the roles been reversed.
How quickly would he react to her absence? She did not know. Only time would tell.
She thought about what she would say to him as she sat in the back of the cab; she thought about what she would say to him as she stopped outside of her mother's house; she thought about what she would say to him as she was greeted by her overprotective mother, whose first words to her were about how terrible she looked.
"Have you come home for good?" asked her mother as she helped her carry her things upstairs to her old room.
"It's just temporary, until I can find a suitable place I can work from."
"So you're still working for that top-secret facility? Worst decision you ever made."
"Mother. . ."
"No, just look at you! They are no doubt overworking you. You look like you haven't slept or had a decent meal in days. If you had just stayed at with your old job you could have lived a nice, normal life and be married to that boy. . .what's his name?"
"Nathan?"
"That's the one! I always liked him."
"Why don't you marry him then?"
"Don't take that tone with me!"
Katherine sighed and turned to face her mother.
"Please mother, I have enough on my plate as it is. For once can you just be the mother I need, not the one you think I need."
Her words had an instant sobering effect on her mother, who immediately fell silent. She nodded understandingly, kissed her daughter's cheek, and then left her alone to once more ponder over her selection of words.
At one point Katherine must have fallen asleep, because when she woke the sun was already setting. Angry with herself for sleeping the whole day away but realizing she had needed the rest, she made her way downstairs in search of her mother. She found her in the kitchen, preparing dinner.
"Hungry?"
"Starving," Katherine replied, leaning against the kitchen countertop.
"You slept the whole day. Feeling better now?"
"I guess," was her answer. Katherine's mother said nothing for a moment, but as was typical of her personality, she did not remain quiet for long.
"Katherine, did something happen?"
"What do you mean?"
"You seem different, troubled by something. Is it a man?"
At that point, Katherine found herself wishing she could tell her mother everything, but legally she was still bound by contract, and anything related to vampires was out of bounds, including her relationship with Alucard.
"I can't talk about it, Mother, but it helps to know you care enough to ask."
"Of course, you're my daughter."
After dinner, Katherine stayed up with her mother watching TV, too afraid to return to her room, wary of what – or who – might be waiting there for her. Every part of her body was on edge. By now, Alucard will have realized she had left. It was possible he would simply let her go, but even though Katherine was terrified of him, that attraction was still there, and part of her believed it was still there in him too.
When her mother finally turned in for the night, leaving her alone in the semi-lit room, she found herself unable to focus on the images flashing across the television screen. With no one around to keep her distracted, she wallowed in the flood of emotions building up inside of her, threatening to drown her from the inside. She had asked herself countless times in the past few days whether or not she would have been upset if she had died that day, and the answer she always came up with was 'yes'. Katherine wanted to be with Alucard more than anyone else, but the idea of giving up her humanity, of leaving behind everyone else, of evolving into something more than she was – than she was meant to be; it made her uneasy. If there were some way she could keep both Alucard and her humanity, she would jump at the chance; but the very nature of Alucard's existence made that impossible.
The choice lay between life and death. Life she knew; death was unfamiliar. It was all too much for her to handle.
Katherine raised the TV remote and pressed the power button, shutting the television off and plunging the room into total darkness. It took a while for her eyes to adjust, but once they did, she rose from the couch and slowly made her way upstairs to her bedroom. She was halfway up the stairs when she became aware of his presence, causing her to stop.
He had come, just as she had predicted, and he was waiting for her. It took a few minutes to gather her wits, and she forced herself to relapse into that cold resolve she had adopted during her meeting with Integra. She needed to do what was necessary, no matter how hard it might be.
Taking a deep breath, she continued up the stairs, stopping outside her bedroom. The door stood ajar, and the inside was dark. She could see nothing, but decided against switching the light on. Even though she appeared calm on the outside, Katherine felt as though her heart were beating out of her chest. He was so close now she could smell him – that pleasant aroma made up of a variety of scents, many of which she could not name but had come to appreciate nonetheless. The old familiarity returned, and she felt her fear and uncertainty melt away a little, giving way to the affection she held for him. Katherine entered into the room and closed the door behind her, keeping her eyes closed until the last moment. When she finally opened them, she immediately saw him leaning against the dresser with his arms folded across his chest. There was no sarcastic smirk, no teasing grin, no malicious chuckle – only the grim set of his jaw, and the unnerving glare of his crimson eyes.
"You shouldn't be here, Alucard."
"Shouldn't I? You left without a word."
"There is a reason I left without telling you."
"Is it because of Integra's orders?"
"No Alucard, it's because I needed to get away from you!"
She could tell her words had stung him by the spasm that seized his body, but she thought the only way to sever the bond between them was to do it quickly.
"You are really that afraid of me?" he asked softly. Katherine did not reply, knowing it was unnecessary. Her reactions were enough to answer his question. Alucard took a step closer to her, causing Katherine to try and back away, only to be stopped by the door. He ceased his movement and remained where he was.
"Katherine," he started, his voice pleading. "I'm. . .I'm. . ." He stopped, uncertain how to say what needed to be said. He had never apologized to anyone before, for anything. It just was not in his nature.
But this was different.
"It's ok; I know you're sorry," she interrupted, reading his thoughts as easily as he could read hers.
"If you know, then why?"
"It's not enough," she whispered, her eyes glazing over with unshed tears. "I thought it would be different. I thought that, because of what we shared, you would be able to control yourself."
Alucard looked away, struggling with himself and the shame he felt. Katherine, however, did not stop there.
"I don't blame you for what happened. I know what you are. It was inevitable, as was the end of our relationship. As long as I am still human, your immortality will always get in the way."
"And you wouldn't want to end up a monster like me."
"I did not say that!" she remarked, her voice rising a little.
"You didn't have to."
"I can't do it, Alucard. I am not like Ceres."
Alucard turned away, walking over to the window, his tall frame blocking out the moonlight.
"No, you are a human clinging to your humanity. Ceres is a vampire resisting the darkness, struggling to remain humane." What he did not add was the fact that he envied Katherine for being able to retain her humanity. He would never want to take that away from her, but he also did not want to lose her. He was caught between two conflicting decisions; either he let her remain human and lose her forever, or he changed her and risked having her hate him for all eternity. Alucard knew she wished to remain human for now; he also knew he had to warn her of the dangers this decision would bring.
Turning back to her, Alucard closed the distance between them, moving too fast for her to react. He kept her pinned to the door, his arms pressed on either side of her head to prevent her from escaping, but he felt something press against his chest and glanced down to see a small firearm held tightly in her hand, no doubt loaded with her specialized ammunition. They both knew it would not kill him, that it was in fact quite useless, but obviously it gave her a sense of security having the weapon aimed at his chest, at his heart. Part of him wished she would pull the trigger so he could feel the burning metal rip through his still heart – a physical wound to match the emotional one her lack of faith in him produced. The fear in her eyes brought an overwhelming sense of sorrow, but at the same time it angered him that she had come to view him as a cold-blooded killer in such a short amount of time.
"No matter how you feel right now, Katherine, you are still mine."
The fear left her eyes, replaced by shock which slowly melted away into annoyance.
"I most certainly am not!"
"Yes, you are," he insisted seriously. She faltered slightly, her grip on the pistol easing and the barrel lowering several centimeters.
"Why don't you understand what I'm trying to say?" she asked, her voice dropping to a low whisper as she fought off the emotional strain.
"It is you who doesn't understand," he replied softly, one of his hands moving down to stroke the side of her face. For a moment she closed her eyes, leaning into his touch. Alucard felt the old familiarity return, but all too soon it was over as she steeled herself once more. Her eyes snapped open, and with mild frustration she asked, "What are you talking about?"
"Leaving the castle was the biggest mistake you could have made."
"Sir Integra said –"
"Integra knows nothing of my world! You have my scent all over you, something which my enemies will not miss or fail to use."
The anger returned to her features, and she shoved the barrel of the gun firmly against his chest.
"Get out!"
"Katherine – "
"Just go!"
Alucard backed away from her, realizing nothing he said at this point would get through to her. She was confused and frightened, and she refused to let him comfort her. It made the whole situation harder; there was still much more he needed to tell her, to explain to her. She would start to notice the slight differences soon – very soon.
And then she would need him – regardless of her feelings.