Chapter 3

Why didn't you?

It's a good question, one even I can't answer. Why didn't I? I still cared about him, no matter what had happened. I was mad, but I still loved him. I wasn't ready to completely let him go. So why did I?

I didn't look for him. How could I bear to have lived without him?

I didn't. I didn't live without him. It's like the last three years are a black hole in my life.

Sure, I went to school, I went to parties, I hung out with Serena…

But it was never the same. Not without him. Serena, Nate, and I…there was something missing. Someone was missing.

How could we have let that person stay away?

I tried to excuse myself, tell myself that I was hurt, and that it wasn't my job to look for him. It was Nate and Serena's job. Or Lily's. But not mine.

But I was only kidding myself.

It was my job, and my job only. My job to pull him back.

Not because Serena and Nate shouldn't, but just because I was the only one who could.

I tried to imagine Chuck, my Chuck, after it happened. After he lost everything. He lost me, which is just one person, but if he felt the same way about me as I did about him, then I was his whole life. Well, besides that hotel. The hotel that he sold, because of the memories. Because of me. Serena was bound to turn against him, because of her friendship with me. Once she found out it all, everything, from Nate (I had heard them talking once), she would turn on him. I was her best friend. I am her best friend. And Nate? That had started when he sold me for the hotel. They already had a rocky relationship. And Nate had cared a lot about Jenny. He had thought of her as a little sister, even if she had not thought of him in a way even close to that. She was just a kid, and yet Chuck had taken that, taken her innocence away from her in one night. He had taken something that was important to Jenny, that Jenny hadn't wanted to give away even if she pretended like she had. And to Nate, that was unforgivable. Even if he wasn't one to stay mad. The way he thought of Chuck would be forever changed. And then there was Lily. Lily clearly cared about him, but even she wouldn't be able to truthfully deny that it was easier without him. Under the influence of Rufus, her thoughts may slowly change to his. She might still care about him, but would be too worried about what people would think and what would happen, as usual. And Eric was too close to Jenny. He would take her side in this.

And who else was there? He was alone. So he did what he did best-he left. It was understandable, with what had happened. He left without a word of where he was going. He didn't want anyone to contact him, or maybe he didn't want to know that someone could contact him, but chose not to. Better to think that no one could contact him at all, even though he knew that no one would try to.

He went to Prague, one of his personal favorites. And there? Well, that's all I knew. Something happened there.

I could guess some of it. Clubs, women, alcohol, drugs…the normal escapes. But something made him leave. Something made him change. Not into a better person, maybe, but a different one. One who built up a mask to hide his emotions. One who had convinced even himself that he didn't have any. One who had almost convinced me of the same thing.

Then he had come back, and concentrated solely on business, as far as I knew. But he had to have some contact with people besides at work. He had to have. He's not a very social person, but everyone needs to have friends.

It gives me a headache, thinking about all of this. I don't know if I can ever break his mask, but I need it to happen soon, because I'm not sure if I can stand waiting much longer.

I have to come up with a plan.

I can always just try talking to him. Chuck was never one to talk about his feelings, but when we were dating he was usually able to do it. I can at least try to talk to him seriously.

I also have a few other ideas. I could try to trigger emotions with strong emotions on my part. Strong sadness or happiness might work, but anger was probably what was most likely to work. An argument would make Chuck feel defensive, and he had no trouble getting into an argument in the past. He might get angry too, and that might break the mask, making his other emotions follow. But I was worried about some things in this plan. What if he got so angry at me that he shut me out completely, and wouldn't even talk to me anymore? Or what if this only triggered anger and no other emotions, and he just stayed an angry person? So far, angry emotions had made his mask break a little. It might work again.

A third option was to find some things out for myself. If I could find out some things, I could bring them up, making him feel uncomfortable, like he had when he talked about Prague. He would feel like he needed to justify or explain it, which might give me more information. But if Chuck found out what I was doing, he would be furious. And how would I find the information, anyways? Hire a PI? Search his hotel? It would be hard…but then I always liked that kind of game.

I decide on just trying them all. They may not be the best plans, but they're all I have.

I try my tactic of just talking to Chuck the next day.

I ask the man at the front desk to call up to Chuck's room and ask if I can come up, and I'm surprised when he tells me that Chuck said yes. I go on up and find him looking at some papers on the couch.

"Hi Chuck!" I say chirpily when I come in, not wanting him upset or uncomfortable just yet. I don't want him to kick me out. "How are you?"

He turns around when he hears me and I'm expecting to see his face still angry. But it's mastered that mask. I've caused some cracks. Serena and Lily caused the newest one. But I still have a long way to go. He spent years mastering that, and I've only been here a few weeks. But I did have the element of surprise when I first came here-he didn't know I was coming. He didn't prepare for having to control his emotions in front of his old friends.

"I should've known you'd be back," he said.

"Oh?"

"You haven't left yet, what made me think you would leave now?"

"You thought I would leave?" I ask in surprise.

He shrugs. I hate this indifference to everything I say.

"And you're gone again," I sigh.

"Excuse me?"

"Sometimes I get you to answer something personal, but barely. Other times you won't even answer the simplest questions. One of the only real answers you've ever given me, one of the only times I got a glimpse of what might be going on inside your head, was last night. But now you're gone again."

"Blair, I let you up here so we could talk. So that we could be friends. So that you could get whatever it is that you still haven't found here. But not so that we could talk about feelings that don't even exist, that you've made up."

"You're kidding only yourself when you say that you really don't feel anything. Maybe you've convinced yourself of that over the years. Maybe you don't feel things the way you used to because you've convinced yourself that you don't. But now that I'm back, now that you've seen Lily and Serena, you must feel something."

He doesn't say anything, so I continue.

"I thought that I believed you at first, that you had no feelings anymore. But I've seen small signs in the past few weeks that suggest that you still have them, even if they've been buried deep inside of you. You just temporarily stepped out of life. And here's your chance to step back in. Why won't you take it? Why were you so mad last night? Is it about what you said, about how I didn't come looking for you?"

Chuck won't even look at me.

I go over to him and sit right next to him.

"What are you so afraid of?" I ask softly. "What do you have to lose?"

He looks at me and takes a deep breath. "How do they expect me to welcome them with open arms when they've hated me all of these years? When they've avoided me. You I can understand, at least a little, and you came back first. But they took an event that wasn't about them and made it into an excuse for completely shutting them out. I may not have come home to beg for forgiveness, but they didn't support me when I needed them most. They didn't understand….maybe if they had known….but no, I couldn't have…I can't even now….what would it change….and it's the reason they must go anyways. It will just make everything more difficult."

At this point he's making no sense whatsoever to me, but he's finally opening up, so I just sit there and nod.

He looks up at me, as if just realizing that I'm there.

"Why are you here?" he asks. "When did you come in?"

"I've been here for at least ten minutes now. Don't you remember?" I ask cautiously.

Chuck looks confused for a moment. "Of course," he says finally. "Sorry."

"It's okay…"

"I need some time alone right now, Blair."

I nod. I've done all I can do for today. Maybe I can try again another day, but right now I'm too concentrated on what he's just said.

"But you're still free tonight, right? For drinks?"

He looks at me for a long time.

Then he smiles. "Yes," he says. "See you then."

Reassured, I leave him to his thoughts and decide to go shopping before drinks.

It's 9:30, and Chuck is officially a half hour late.

I tell myself that he's just working late and that he'll be here soon, but as every minute ticks by, I start to realize more and more that I'm just kidding myself.

At first I'm disappointed and sad that he's not here. That I won't get to see him. That he didn't bother to show up.

Then I get angry. We've been doing this for weeks. What makes him think that it'd be okay to just not show up tonight? And he didn't even tell me. In fact, when I asked if he was coming, he lied to my face by saying yes.

I know that he's not working late. He would have texted me or something if that were the case. He's in his room, just hanging out. Or worse, with some other girl. It's not even close to being cheating, but I still feel betrayed. This is our time. He can do whatever he wants the rest of the time, or he can just cancel. But lie to me? This is unacceptable.

I can just imagine him, laughing with some girl in his room. About me, sitting down here alone. Not that that was even anything that he would do. But after all these years…who knew?

The more I wait the angrier I get. How can he do this to me?

I'll go up and get him. He can't get away with this.

By the time I get to his room, I'm furious, and I storm into his room.

"Chuck?" I called. "Chuck! I know you're in here!"

A woman from housekeeping walked out of his room, and her eyes widened when she saw me.

"Miss! You can't be in here right now. Mr. Bass is not taking visitors."

"What do you mean?" I ask suspiciously. Chuck may be insisting that he's changed, but this just proves that he hasn't. A flustered-looking, young, attractive maid coming out of his room? Sounds just like Chuck.

She's walked up to me now, practically pushing me out of the room.

"No!" I insist. "We had an appointment. He's…expecting me."

"Whatever it is, I'm sure you two can reschedule."

"Why isn't he free?"

"Mr. Bass is ill. He doesn't want any visitors."

"Ill? I highly doubt it."

I push past her and rush into Chuck's room.

There's no one there.

I look around for a moment before I hear the unmistakable sound of someone throwing up in the bathroom.

I take a deep breath. Suddenly I feel very stupid. This whole thing has been driving me crazy. I would never have stormed into someone's room uninvited like this a few months ago. I slowly turn and walk away. Chuck doesn't want me here. He's sick. I won't bother him. I don't need to be so possessive. I don't need to play the "wife", as Chuck, long ago, once told me not to do.

I quietly leave, avoiding the gaze of the housekeeping maid.

I'll give him a few days to recuperate. But when he gets better, I'll keep trying to break through.

It's time to deal with Serena.

I've been ignoring her calls since the other night, when she and Lily showed up at Chuck's gala.

But I can't avoid them forever, and I don't want to. Some things are meant to be kept from Serena, but other things are too big, too important to keep away. And anyways, she's already found out. I just have to give her the details now. Well, not every detail, but enough.

It's time to deal with a Serena, but even more than that, it's time to go home.

I pack my bags and check out of the hotel, ready for my vacation from my vacation. This trip to the empire has turned out to be a lot more work than I thought it would be.

I don't tell Chuck I'm going. The maid will tell him I was there. He'll know that I'm aware he's sick. He'll know I won't be waiting for him at the bar.

I go home to my house, and it feels great to finally have some normalcy. Serena is a little mad at me for keeping this from her, and for ignoring her calls, but I know it won't last. She's too excited to hear all about what I've been doing the past few weeks.

"So you went to see him right after we had that talk?" she asks when I finish my story. "And you've been with him since?"

I nod. I didn't tell her about that mask. I told her that he's been very private, but nothing more than that. It's just something that she has to see for herself to completely understand.

"I'm still mad at you, you know," she says, but the smile on her face tells me otherwise. "But one more thing-why was he so mad when he saw us?"

"None of us went looking for him, Serena. Imagine how you would feel. He was all alone. We all hated him. No one showed any signs of wanting to see him, and all of a sudden we show up and pretend like we're super close?"

Serena hesitates, then nods. "Okay, I get it. I just wish he would forgive us. We've forgiven him."

I shrug, wanting to change the subject. "So, what's been happening with you and Nate? Have you been talking to him?"

"A little, but not much. But I'll have to tell him how to contact Chuck-I know that he'll want to talk to him."

I think about what Chuck said. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" I ask carefully.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know if it's a good idea for any of you to talk to Chuck just yet."

"But you get to talk to him!" Serena protested.

"That's different. It will take time. He's not ready to forgive everyone just yet."

"Fine. Whatever you say. Just…talk to him, okay? I want to talk to him. We all do."

I nod. "I'll see what I can do."

I'm back at the hotel in a week. The doorman and the man at the front desk are now used to seeing me there, so they greet me kindly when I do up to Chuck's room.

This time there's no maid, and it doesn't take long to find him. He's lying on the couch, just staring at the ceiling, surrounded by a few bottles. He doesn't seem to be sick anymore, but he does look paler than usual.

"Blair," he says in greeting.

His voice is a little off, but it's no wonder with all of those bottles.

I sigh and start cleaning them up.

"How are you feeling?" I ask him as I do this.

"Not so great," he responds.

"Headache?" I guess.

He nods.

"Have you had anything to drink this morning?"

"No," he responds. "Not this morning…"

I walk into his bathroom and look in the medicine cabinet, searching for some headache medication.

I find it pretty soon, but I can't help seeing all of the other bottles of pills. An unusual amount. All prescription pills. And all prescribed to Charles Bass.

I pick one up along with the headache medication and bring them to Chuck.

"Here you go," I say, handing him the pills.

I watch him as he dry-swallows them.

"Chuck," I say cautiously. "What are all of the pills in your medicine cabinet for?"

I hold out the container of some pills to Chuck.

He looks a little panicked for a second, making me nervous. Has Chuck been taking prescribed pills? Did he get addicted or something?

"Those are….well they…." He tries.

I raise me eyebrows.

"I had some problems in Prague," he admits.

"Like what?"

"Like…too much drinking. Those pills are old. I got them when I came back. I'm fine though, now. That's why I usually order water at the bar."

"You should have told me," I say quietly.

He shrugs. "I didn't want to worry you."

"What about last night? You certainly didn't order water then."

"It's okay to treat yourself every once in a while."

"And getting drunk is treating yourself? It seems like this is what got you into trouble in the first place."

"Look, I don't need you to look after me, Blair. I'm fine. I can drink when I want to."

"I'm just trying to help."

"I don't need help."

"Okay, fine. I won't do anything to help you out anymore."

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

I get up and go to the bathroom to put the medicine away.

But as I put it back, I notice something. On the bottles.

None of them are dated three years ago. Almost all of them are recent. And the one in my hand?

It's dated a week earlier, from when he was sick.

And somehow, by the size of these pills and the strange name on the front, I don't think that these pills are for your average stomach bug.

AN: Okay. So I posted the chapter, even though I told myself I wouldn't until I fixed it. But at this point I don't know if there's anything I can do. It'd be easier to start from scratch but that would mean starting the story over, and I don't want to do that. Even if I did, it wouldn't be much different because these ideas and dialogue would still be in my head and I'd have to write them again. All I can do is just try my best to have them b less OOC in my next story, and meanwhile, in this one, just do the best I can. I don't have a beta, and I'd really like one, but none of my friends read or write gg fanfic (my old beta for hp fanfic was my friend) and I don't know if I'd feel comfortable sending chapters to a stranger. Anyone who has a beta want to tell me if it helped or not? Anyways, I've had a lot of trouble editing this chapter, so most of the time I'd get frustrated and just write more chapters, which probably wasn't a good idea because now I'll have to edit those too, and it would have been easier if I'd fixed the OOC thing first. So now I'm in the middle of Chapter 7. So…give me ur feedback, let me know if the OOC thing is bothering you, or if you have suggestions or anything. Let me know if you think I should edit and post the next few chapters or wait until I figure out how to make them less OOC.

K…bye! Please review!

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