Chapter 10

The first week passes by without any problems. I'm paying Chuck's bills and anxiously awaiting every phone call from Lily that tells me that he had made it through his next surgery. I don't go out much, but I don't see that as very important. Right now Chuck's life is my priority, not my life.

The second week goes well as well, but I can't help feeling like it's a trick, to lull me into a false sense of security then take him away from me. But I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to make sure Chuck lives. I'm doing everything I can. I just hope it will work.

Maybe I'm spending a little too much time in bed now, watching movies, but I just can't bring myself to get up and do anything. Serena has noticed, and I know she's worried about me. She's still staying here after her break-up with Nate, since she lived here during the college, but I don't think it will last long. She'll find another guy soon enough. Anyways, her company is nice. Dorota is here too, but it isn't always the same with her. But now they're both worried about me, and by the third week I know that one of them is going to confront me about it soon.

"Blair," I hear Serena say gently. "How are you doing?"

I don't even glance up. My eyes are glued to my computer screen, where Breakfast at Tiffany's is playing, once again. I just nod, and then take a bite out of another macaroon.

Serena sighs and sits down next to me.

"Let's go out. I'm bored."

"No."

"Come on! It will be fun. We can go shopping, or out to lunch maybe…"

She pauses and looks at me. I'm silent.

"B, you've barely gotten out of bed over the past few weeks. You talk to my mom more than I do, and it's always about Chuck. You know he's fine. And you know he wouldn't want you to hole up in your penthouse and stop living!"

"I'm still living. I'm breathing, I'm moving."

"Watching movies all day is not living."

"And anyways, you don't know Chuck is fine. He's made it so far, but every time I talk to Lily, which is a perfectly normal amount given the circumstances, I might add, she reminds me that we could lose him at any point. I can't let my guard down, or I'll lose it. I need to consider every possibility. I just wish I could do more."

"You're doing more than enough! I know how much you're paying, and I know that it's a lot less than my mom. Have you told her how much the bills are? Or are you keeping that from her? Just because they won't let you see Chuck doesn't mean you aren't still there for him. He's not awake anyways! He has no idea what's going on. But you're there for him 100%, and you need to give yourself more credit for that. Maybe treat yourself every once and a while?"

I just shake my head. "I won't be able to breathe again until this is all over, and Chuck's okay."

Serena bites her lip. "I thought you said you had to stay open to every possibility…"

I nod. "I am."

Serena just shakes her head and drops it.

"Look, B, I know how hard you've worked to help Chuck in so many different ways. I admire you courage for going to see him in the first place. So…I did something brave too. I went to see Dan."

My eyes widen at this. "Humphrey? But I thought he married Vanessa."

"He did…but they're having some problems."

"Problems? And he told you this?"

"Yes…"

"How long ago did you go to see him?"

"A few days after Chuck had to go to the hospital."

"S! Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was afraid of what you might think. And clearly, I was right to be! What's so wrong with me visiting Dan?"

"Nothing is. But I know you, and you didn't just go to visit an old friend, or for closure. You went there to get him back, didn't you?"

Serena looks down. "I don't go there for any reason other to see him. I missed him."

"But when you saw each other, the old flame was still there."

Serena shrugs. "Don't act like it's a big deal, Vanessa and him have been having problems for a while! They're going to get a divorce soon anyways."

I shake my head. "When will you learn, S? It's never good to be the other woman. I want you to be happy, but this will ultimately end up breaking your heart. He's lying to you."

"You don't know that."

"I do. I've seen this happen too many times, especially to you. You get lured in by someone who doesn't really want a commitment. Nate is good to you, and he's serious about you! He's much better than Humphrey, anyways. At least Nate's got some class."

"If you really want me to be happy, Blair, then you'll let me do what I want. I want to be with Dan. It doesn't matter what is happening with Vanessa, you know they were never meant to be."

"Of course I want you to be happy, but you have to trust me when I say this is not going to do it! If I'm wrong, I'll take back every bad thing I ever said about Humphrey. But I don't think I'm wrong."

"Well, I guess we'll find out," Serena says in a tired voice.

She gets up to leave.

"Listen, I don't want to get you upset, but I'm serious. You know how risky Chuck's surgery is. You need to prepare to what will happen if he doesn't make it. You need to think of that as the most likely scenario. If this is what your life has become when he's in the hospital, I can only imagine what it will be like when…if he dies. I want you to be happy, too, and I know that Chuck does as well."

She turns and leaves the room.

Suddenly my phone rings next to me. I pick it up and see that it's Lily. A feeling of dread rises up in my stomach, like it does every time she calls. Afterwards, I can breathe again, but then I get nervous again for the next time, the next surgery.

"Hello?" I pick up and say cautiously.

"Blair, its Lily. I just got off the phone with the doctor."

"Yes?"

"Chuck survived the last surgery-"

I breathe a sigh of relief.

"-but things aren't looking great."

I tense up again. "What do you mean, 'things aren't looking great'? What happened?"

"Well, he just barely pulled through. They don't know if he'll even make it through the night, let alone his next surgery."

"But isn't his next surgery the last one?" I ask.

"Yes, it is. But they don't want to risk it just yet. They need to wait for him to recover."

"So it's not going to be over this week."

"Well, it could be, if he doesn't make it to the next surgery. I'm sorry, Blair, but that's just the way it is. The good news is that they're finally going to let us in to see him."

"What? Why?" I ask, already quickly picking out clothes to wear.

"They're letting us to say goodbye in case he doesn't make it. And he doesn't really need much medical attention at the moment, his body just needs to rest. He won't wake up, of course, but we're allowed to visit him."

"I'll be there soon," I say, hanging up.

I quickly change and grab some makeup and my purse and I'm out the door within minutes. I hail down a cab and step in, giving the man driving the hospital name and address.

I take my bag out and do the best I can with a mirror and some makeup, but there's not much I can do about my hair. I fix it in the mirror with my hands but it's definitely not at its best. It doesn't really matter-Lily and the nurses and doctors won't care, Chuck's not awake, and I don't have to worry that Gossip Girl might post an unflattering picture of me.

We're at the hospital soon enough and I rush inside. As I walk into the waiting room, I see Lily step out of the hall.

"Blair!" she says. "I've just been to see Chuck. You can go in. It's room 64A."

I nod. "Thank you, Lily. For everything."

She just nods back and I rush past her into the hall.

As I look for the room, I'm a little nervous to see Chuck. I'm not quite sure why, because he's not even awake, but I'm just afraid that seeing him will make everything worse. I don't know if he'll look sick or different at all. I'm worried that he will. And I'm worried that this is the last time I'll see him. I don't want it to be, and I tell myself that it won't, but I know that it really could be.

I finally find the room and cautiously open the door.

I see him in the bed and walk quickly over and sit down on the chair next to him.

I'm instantly disappointed when I see him. I don't know what I expected, because I knew he wouldn't be awake. But I know that talking to him now will not feel right. I can't say goodbye to him this way.

He's pale and still, and if I didn't hear the steady beeping of the heart monitor, I'd think he was dead. The thought scares me, because I know he practically is. Is this normal? Is he supposed to look like this?

This was never how it was supposed to be. No one should have to watch the life drain out of the love of their life. But that's what I'm doing. It might be slow, but that just makes it even more painful, because I can't even talk to him. I wish he would just wake up, just for a little bit. I can't stand him going without me saying goodbye.

I wonder if he'll be mad if he wakes up and finds out that I've been keeping him alive. It's a ridiculous thought, but it could be true. He never wanted me to do this. I don't even know if he really wanted to be saved anymore. He'd accepted his fate, and he'd stopped living long ago. But if he survived this, then I would help him live again. I'd stand by him through everything. I wouldn't let him push me away again. And I knew he wouldn't do something terrible like he had before. He'd more than learned his lesson.

I worry that if I do try to take him back, he won't let me. He doesn't think he deserves another chance. But he does.

I won't really be able to have a conversation with Chuck right now, but I have to talk to him. What if he can hear me, somehow? I need to try, even if it feels weird.

"Hi," I say, feeling a bit awkward talking to someone so unresponsive.

"It's Blair…I know it's hard right now. It's hard for both of us. But I need you to pull through, okay? If not for you, for me. I need you, and I think you need me too. I know that you love me, and I love you too. I know it may just be leftover from the past, but that's just because you never came back. I loved you, and you left. We didn't have the chance to resolve anything. Maybe if we had ended it as friends, I'd have eventually started loving you less Maybe. But never all the way. If two people were in love like we were, we'll always find our way back. If we had ended it as friends, we would've found our way back pretty soon. But we didn't. You didn't come back."

It hangs in the air for a moment as an accusation, and I don't want that.

"I'm sorry. I don't blame you. I know I yelled at you. I know you lost everything. But I had to come see you because we'll always find our way back. Because I love you, and no matter what I always will. We're meant to be together. We're inevitable, like you said. I know you don't think you deserve me, but I know that you do. We love each other, and that's enough. We can forgive and forget. The past mistakes mean nothing, but the past means everything. I will never love anyone like I loved you. So you have to pull through. I know you think that I don't even know the real you….so how could I love you? But you're still you. And I'm different too, but I'm still me. We're Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. And we're meant to be together. We love each other. We always will. It will never change…even if you leave me."

I take a deep breath.

"I forgave you a long time ago for what happened with Jack. You know that. The Jenny thing was too much when our relationship was so new and fragile. But I know why you did it. And it was unfair of me to get so mad. I overreacted. I know we were broken up and you didn't think I'd care, or even find out. It just hurt so much because I did care. But I've forgiven you for that. It's in the past. And I want to look to the future. Only I've had trouble doing that lately…you wouldn't be happy to find out what I've been doing. Or rather what I haven't been doing…I haven't been doing anything. I know I should keep living my life like before but I just can't. Everyone's worried about me and I know I need to get out there and be happy again. I need to at least try. I know that's what you'd want me to do…"

I take a deep breath, making a quick decision. It's something I've been thinking about for a while. I feel like I need to get away from all this. But I've been scared that while I'm gone something will happen to Chuck. But now that we have to wait for him to recover before his next surgery, I have a good opportunity.

"…so I'm going to do it. It doesn't mean I'll forget about you. I'm leaving money with Lily. I'll talk to her about it. Then I'm going away. Or maybe I'll stay, but I'm going to try not to think about you. If all goes well, your surgery will be next week. Then if that goes well, you'll recover for another week or two before being well enough to leave at all. If I know you, you'll request to be sent home. You can have nurse care there. So in about three weeks you'll be home…if you're okay. A big if, I know. And I can't handle living by the phone, not knowing if the phone calls will hold good or bad news."

I look at him for a moment.

"You know, it was actually really romantic when you 'Affair to Remember'-ed me. It was a good idea, even if it didn't quite work. And I'm sorry, again, that I didn't show up. If I had, things would have been so much different…but it was just unlucky. It was bad timing. If I had shown up, we'd be together and you wouldn't have left and gotten shot and then gotten sick. But I know there are about a million 'what if?'s in this situation. What if they hadn't shot you? What if Jenny hadn't showed up in the hotel? What if you hadn't sold me to Jack in the first place? The blame can't be put on any one person. It just happened. So you need to stop blaming yourself, saying that you deserve this, because you don't. Chuck….I'm going away so that I can learn to live again. But don't think that I'm going to completely forget you and move. I'm going to tell Lily this, but just in case you can hear I'll tell you too. Exactly three weeks from now, I'll be waiting on the top of the Empire State Building. If you're not there by 7:01 I'm accepting you as dead. And I'm going to try my best to move on for good."

With that, I stand up to go. I put my hand on his face one last time, wishing I could stay here forever with him. But I know I can't. I can't live like that.

I quickly turn and walk out of the room, hoping that in three weeks, I'll see him alive and well.

I call Lily as soon as I get into the waiting room. She sounds a little surprised, and she doesn't really support my idea.

"Blair, I know it sounds romantic, but what if he doesn't show up? I don't think that's a good way to find out if he's alive or not."

"Lily, this is what I want, and if you want what's best for me you'll tell him when-"

I take a deep breath.

"-if he wakes up."

Lily finally agrees and I try to hold back the tears as I leave the hospital, but it doesn't last long and I break down as soon as I get in a cab.

I don't even bother to pull myself together before I go inside. Serena will probably be there and I'll need to tell her I'm going away. I need her support.

She's not there when I get back. Dorota immediately sees I'm upset and rushes over to comfort me.

"Miss Blair, what is the matter? Is it Mister Chuck? Are there problems?"

I just nod, and that's information enough for now.

"I'm going away for a few weeks, Dorota. I need to get away."

Dorota nods and I start walking up the stairs.

"Help me pack?" I ask, and she follows me up the stairs to my room.

It feels good to have a plan. It feels good to know I'm escaping. But I worry that I've made the wrong decision…

At this point I have to do it. I know that I can't handle this anymore.

This vacation may offer me temporary relief. But when I come back, it might catch up on me. Things could be a lot worse by the time I come back.

And I have to be ready.

Serena stands in the doorway and looks around, taking in the scene of the room.

"So you're really leaving, then?" She asks me sadly.

"Yes," I say. "How did you know?"

"My mom told me."

"I would've told you earlier, S, but I only decided this recently. And you weren't home when I got home. Did you hear about Chuck?"

Serena nods. "B, I'm all for you trying to live your life, but are you sure this is what you want? Things have changed now that Chuck is getting worse. I don't want you to be depending on one thing to happen, only to have it not. It might just hurt more if you try to run away from it."

"Maybe, but I can't stay here any longer. If there's any chance of me being okay after this, I have to do away."

"That's what I thought you'd say. I just wanted to make sure. We've all been so worried…this could be just what you need. Just…make sure you don't forget what could be happening here, okay? I don't want you to get too lost in your fantasy. And I want you to come back. I'm going to miss you."

I give her a small smile, then stand up, put my packed suitcase on my bed, and turn around and give her a hug. "I'm going to miss you, too. I'll be back before three weeks is up. But only right before."

I step away and grab my suitcase. "I'm going to warn you now; I won't have my phone on. I don't want to risk anyone telling me about Chuck. I know it could help me get good news earlier, but with the situation so precarious even if he does survive the last surgery, I don't want to think it's okay then have it all come crashing down. It's better to wait until he's at least slightly recovered, and definitely stable. And it could also carry bad news, and I'd rather not wait by the phone every second of every day worrying. That's why I'm leaving. Oh, and Serena, make sure not to get too close to Humphrey while I'm gone. I won't be here to keep you from making a bad decision, and I don't want you to get hurt. Promise you'll at least wait until we can talk it over?"

Serena nods solemnly. "Promise," she says.

She knows that I may not be in the mood to deal with her Brooklyn problems if things take a turn for the worse by the time I come back, but I could ask for the world and she'd give it to me right now. She knows I'm going through a lot-she's going through some of it too. I often forget that Chuck is not just my friend-he's important to her too. And we all still feel terribly guilty for abandoning him.

"And take care of Nate."

I don't know much of what's been happening with him recently, but I do know that he's still in touch with Serena, and he's having been down lately too. He's having a hard time dealing with everything. Lily told me that he calls to see how Chuck's doing a lot. At least I had a slightly good reason to abandon Chuck, at least for a little bit…Nate's was far more flimsy. He just didn't bother, or he followed what the rest of us were doing. I know he wanted to visit Chuck, but he would be hard to find and it could get Serena and I upset with him. But I know he regrets not going to find Chuck now, because he still cares about him a lot. I would talk to him about everything, but I've barely been out of the house recently. And from what I hear, Nate hasn't been out much either. He's seemingly in better shape than I am, but I know he's upset.

I walk to the door, then turn around and look at Serena one more time, knowing that by the next time I see her things will be completely different, whichever way this goes.

"Bye, S," I say, and Serena looks at me sadly.

I can tell she doesn't want me to go, and her better judgment is probably telling her to stop me from running away, but another part of her knows that this could be good for me, and she wouldn't be able to stop me anyways.

I leave the room and my past self behind.

AN:

Thanks to HughLaurieLover for the Empire State Building idea! You're amazing!

I thought it was a really awesome idea, I love connecting stuff in my stories to old events…and I do think that when Chuck did it it was quite romantic.

Anyways, it was a great idea, so thanks again for it!

Yes, next chapter will have a time-jump…and I bet you can guess how long it is.

Blair's vacation won't be very interesting or eventful, and if I do it from Serena, Lily, or Nate's point of view, it will give too much of what's happening back home away.

Oh, and if anyone is wondering where Blair is going, she's going to Paris.

Thanks for…

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