Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl or the song "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift.

Chapter 12

Someone accidentally kicks me as I sit on the floor. I lift my face and stare at her for a moment.

"Sorry."

A little girl with big brown eyes looks at me.

"Are you homeless?" she asks me after a moment.

I can't decide whether to be offended or laugh.

I settle for being surprised. "No," I blink.

She shakes her head. "I didn't think so. You're too pretty to be homeless. But if you're not homeless, then why are you sitting on the ground like that?"

"I'm just upset."

"Why?" She looks at me so concerned that I almost want to tell her. She may be a complete stranger, but she's just a little girl. She's innocent and young and her life is so uncomplicated. She probably has 2 parents who love her, and maybe even siblings. She hasn't worried about boys or makeup or being queen yet. She hasn't been in love yet. She hasn't had her heart broken yet.

And I don't think she's ever had to deal with a death.

"It's complicated," I say. "Where are your parents?"

She shrugs. "Somewhere. You're ignoring the question."

"And you're ignoring mine," I say, wiping away my tears and almost smiling. Maybe I lost Chuck here, but that's no reason for this little girl's parents to lose her here. I'll put on a happy face and help the girl, maybe for no reason other than because I really don't know what else to do.

"I don't know where they are," she says. "Now will you answer mine?"

"Tell you what, if you let me take you back to your parents I'll tell you why I'm upset."

She nods and takes my hand.

I stand and look down at her. How can she be so trusting of everyone? Someone's going to have to teach her she can't be like that, before someone breaks her heart.

But that won't be for a long time.

I wonder what it'd be like to have a daughter. I'd always wanted a daughter. Or a son. I'd wanted kids.

But I'd always imagined them with Nate, then Chuck. I can't imagine myself having kids with anyone now. Sure, with Chuck I'd known kids were a long way away, back when we were dating. It had taken years to get him to say "I love you", so it would definitely take a while to get him to agree to having children, especially after what might have happened to his mother. But I'd loved Chuck, and I'd thought that one day we would get married, and then eventually we'd have kids. Now I didn't think there was any chance I'd have kids.

"What's your name?" I ask.

"Mia. So, why were you crying? I don't like it when people cry."

"Me neither," I say. "I was just upset because my friend didn't meet me here."

"Your friend skipped your playdate? That's rude."

"Well, he had a good reason."

"It's a he?" She raises her eyebrows. "Is it really a friend, or a boyfriend?"

I almost laugh but I can't seem to bring myself to. "I don't really know…I guess I was going to find out today."

She nods. "I get it. So are you going to dump him now that he didn't show up?"

"Well…I don't think I'll see him again." I'm suddenly close to crying again, but I hold it in for Mia.

"That's good."

I search the crowd for any distressed-looking parents, but I don't see any immediately.

"You're going to have to tell me what your parents look like," I tell her.

"Oh, my parents aren't here."

"What? Then where are they?"

"I already told you, I don't know. I think dad's working somewhere. And mom's in France or England, I can't remember."

My eyes widen as I realize that I was wrong about this girl. She doesn't have two loving parents. No. She's just like me. She's like Serena, or Nate, or Chuck. She's one of us.

"Who are you here with?"

"Annabelle. The nanny."

"I'm so sorry…" I say.

She looks up at me curiously. "For what?"

I don't know what to say. Suddenly something catches her eye.

"There she is," she says, pointing to someone behind me. I turn around.

A young woman is talking on her cell phone, leaning against a wall.

I feel another stab of sympathy for Mia. I lead her towards the nanny.

"Hold on," she says into the phone, then brings it away from her ear.

"Are you finally ready to go?" she says Mia, obviously annoyed.

"Annabelle, this is my new friend. He name is…" She looks up at me, puzzled.

"Blair," I say reaching my hand out to shake the nanny's hand. She ignores it.

"Let's go, I have a hair appointment in a half hour," she says, taking the girl.

"Wait, I want to say bye to Blair…"

The nanny drags the girl off and I watch her go. She turns around and waves at me as she leaves, and I wave back.

I want to slide onto the floor again, but I've gotten this far. I can't make myself walk, so I stand there and think.

Mia is the classic Upper East Sider. She'll grow up to be another me, or Serena, or Hazel or Penelope. She'll never really be happy. She'll never be loved by her parents. She'll never be able to marry the man she loves. She'll probably marry a rich man and be head of some society. I can see her whole life played out in my head.

I used to think I wanted that. When I fell in love with Chuck I realized life didn't have to be like that. I'd always played games to be on top and make life more exciting. But with Chuck the games got worse. Life wasn't exciting enough so we made the stakes higher. It was no wonder we crashed at the end. By the time we realized it was enough to just love one another, it was too late. Which was what left me standing here alone.

How was I supposed to win? Life was sad and boring the way it used to be at the beginning of high school. That's what made Serena act out. Life was exciting with Chuck, but in the end it became too much. Life was a tragedy nowadays…was there any way to win?

I'd won a few good battles against the world, but in the end I'd lost the war.

I was doomed to, the world I was born into. Not the earth, but the Upper East Side. I was born into high society, and parties, and cocktails, and designer clothes…but in the end it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. It was missing things like love, and family…

What you need to decide is if all this…is worth it.

I once had asked Jenny if it was all worth it-the parties, the reputation, everything….was it worth all you had to lose to get there?

She was smart. She knew it wasn't. Even then, I knew it too, somewhere in my mind. But no one had ever given me the option to not live like that. I'd been doomed from the start.

Chuck had been doomed from the start too. We were a pair doomed from the start.

Could any of us be happy?

Jenny was, before she became queen.

Serena had been happy with Dan.

Dan hadn't been doomed.

Maybe the only chance of being happy would be being like a Humphrey.

Or being with aHumphrey…

I quickly find my phone in my purse, and I turn it on for the first time in weeks.

I have a ton of missed calls but I don't check them. I dial Serena's number.

It rings and rings but she doesn't pick up. It goes straight to voicemail.

"Serena, it's Blair. I just wanted to say…forget about what I said about Humph…about Dan. Make sure he's really over Vanessa, but then I think she should be with him. I want you to be happy, even if that means being with someone from Brooklyn. He's the only chance you have to be really happy. Don't forget that…okay. I'm not sure if I'll be back tonight, but if I am, I guess I'll see you tonight. Oh, and, um…let me know when the funeral is. I hope I haven't missed it. I want to say something…I want to….to say…goodbye."

My lip starts to tremble and I feel like I'm going to cry again.

"I'll see you later. Bye."

I hang up and go into the elevator. I need to leave this place. There are too many memories.

I walk out onto the street and I suddenly feel very cold, even with my jacket. I pull it tighter around myself and walk away from the building.

I've never liked not having a destination. But right now, I have no destination. I don't know where I'm going. I could go home and have Serena and Dorota take care of me, but I almost want to be alone right now. I don't really know exactly what I want, but I don't think it's Serena hovering around me worriedly. At the same time, I don't want to be alone. I'm scared of being alone. But I'm going to have to face it sooner or later. I'll have my friends, although that's only really Serena and Nate. I have other people I'm friendly with, but those are the only people I trust right now. The only living people, anyways. But I'll never get married. I'll never have kids. I'll never have more friends than now- making friends has never been my strength. In so many ways I'll always be alone. Serena and Nate won't want to take care of me my whole life. They'll move on with their lives.

I walk around the city until I don't even know where I am. I can't think of where to go, even though it's getting late and I need to decide where to sleep. Should I just go to a hotel? I can't run forever. I'm going to have to go home sometime. I told Serena I'd be back. It would be best to just go home now.

I decide the best way to get home would be to get a taxi. But I soon find myself walking towards the hospital Chuck used to be at. I'm drawn to it. I don't know why, but I feel like I need to be there right now. It might be because that's where it happened. That's where he died. I need to be there, and maybe that will help me feel closer to him. I feel terribly guilty for not being there when he died. I should have stayed here for him. But it's too late now. He's gone.

Gone.

I'm almost at the hospital. As I walk closer I start to think about what's happened. I feel in shock. I know he's gone, I know it's over. But I can't seem to think much about what it will be like without him. Suddenly I just can't help it anymore. I start to think about it…

I'll never see him again.

The realization hits me harder than anything else that night.

He'll never tell me he loves me again.

I stumble and let myself fall onto the steps in front of the hospital.

He'll never even talk to me again.

I bury my head in my hands.

He'll never joke around with Nate again.

I want to scream.

He'll never smile with Lily again.

I didn't think I had any tears left but I was wrong.

He'll never smile at all again.

I sob and lean against the wall.

He'll never take the elevator up to my penthouse again.

A million memories flash through my head. All gone…all lost…he's gone and lost but in my head he's everywhere…

He'll never buy me pick peonies again…

I lift my head and wipe my eyes, trying to get myself under control. I'm taking deep breaths when a flash of pink catches my eye.

It's just someone's jacket. I'm instantly disappointed. It's stupid to think that there's any chance he could be alive.

I close my eyes tight and try to make my breathing regular again. It feels like a part of me is missing. I know he's gone-but now it feels like I'm gone too. I'm gone but I'm here, without him.

I don't have the energy to try to make sense of my own thoughts right now. I need to escape. I need a release. I can't be here, where he died, anymore. Not right now. I suddenly feel like I need to get away. Nothing seems to matter to me anymore, except for escaping.

That is…was one of Chuck's biggest problems. He always needed to escape when things got hard. I guess it's rubbed off on me, because all I want to do now is get away.

There's a bar surprisingly close to the hospital, and I walk into it. For a moment I worry that this is becoming a habit, but I tell myself that I'm not going to worry anymore. Nothing matters anymore, so why worry?

What do I possibly have left to lose? What can be taken away from me?

I know I'm being stupid, somewhere in me. I know I still have money. But money can't buy happiness, that much has been proven. And I still have Nate and Dorota and Serena and a house, but none of that-none of it-can make up for losing Chuck. Nothing can make up for losing anyone. If I lost Serena I wouldn't be able to fill the hole either. I love them both. I love my family, and Serena and Nate and Dorota-but they are my family. Even so, they can't fill the hole.

I go to the bathroom first to freshen up. I try to control my emotions and calm down, but I'm still finding it hard to breathe. I need something, fast. I need a drink. On my way out I run into a few guys near the bathrooms.

"Hey," one of them nods at me. "You okay?"

I put on a smile and nod. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"That'd be great," I say in relief, because no matter how hard I try I'm finding it hard to stop worrying about everything. All I really need right now is a drink. I wait for the man to get the drink and he brings it back to me. I smile gratefully and take a sip. I take another and end up drinking the whole thing.

"Want another?" one asks, and I almost say yes.

"You could buy me the strongest drink here, and I don't think it would help," I say sadly.

"I know what you mean," one says, glancing at his friend. "But you do know there's a solution for times like that, right?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

My eyes widen as I realize exactly what he means when he flashes a small bag.

"Oh no-I couldn't," I say nervously.

"Come on, it's just one time. You look like you've had a rough night. What happened? Did your boyfriend break up with you or something?"

My eyes fill with tears. "No," I say. "He died."

The guys exchange glances. "Sorry. Now I know you've definitely had a rough night-and you definitely need this. Tell you what, I'll give it to you on the house just this once, okay? You're a pretty girl, and you're upset. I can't resist a damsel in distress."

I'm about to refuse again and the leave the area, but something stops me. I find myself seriously considering taking the pills.

"Just this once? You won't need to again. I won't need to again," I say, not believing what I'm saying.

What am I doing?

I quickly brush my voice of reason into the back of my head. It's only this once. And I need this right now.

"Atta girl. I promise, this will take the pain away."

I nod and take them, washing them down with a new drink.

I keep talking to the guys, because what else is there to do? I'm starting to feel less and less worried, but also a little strange.

It gets worse and my vision is starting to blur. I can't finish my sentences right. My mind is spinning.

"Are you okay?" one of the guys asks.

"I'm fine…I mean no…I think I need to go home," I say. I start to walk away but stumble. One of them catches me.

"Oh come on, we're just getting started! Everyone feels a little sick their first time."

I shake my head. "No, I really should…go home. My friend…she's waiting."

"Why don't I get you a cab and make sure you get home safely? You don't look so great."

I nod, but as he leads me out the door I start to feel very wrong. I don't know this man at all, and he does sell drugs.

Then again, I just took them.

"Wait…"I say, and start to struggle to get away. "I'll get home by myself…" I break away but then stumble back into his arms.

He laughs. "I don't think so…you're a mess."

I struggle again, but he tightens his hold on me. This is all wrong. We get outside and all the lights on the buildings are too bright…I struggle harder to get away.

"Let go of me!" I suddenly feel something rise in my stomach and I push away to get to the trash can. The man quickly lets go of me as I throw up.

I cough and I'm picking my head up to get my phone and call Serena when I see another flash of pink. Right under my face.

And this time it's exactly what I think it is.

I look at the flowers for a moment, not believing what I'm seeing.

"No," I whisper, because it can't be true. These flowers are just here to haunt me. Chuck is dead. Right?

With trembling hands, I take out my phone. I don't bother checking who my missed calls are from. I check my voicemail, and within seconds Serena's voice is coming from the phone.

"Blair, it's Serena! This has to be the hundredth time I've called! Look, I know you wanted the Empire State Building thing to be a surprise, but I can't let you go through with it! I'm scared of what you might do when you don't see him! You have to come home now. We'll talk about this, because Chuck isn't going to show up today, because-"

I quickly hang up before she can say it. I know what she's going to say, and I just won't be able to handle anyone telling me that he's dead.

I turn and throw my phone at the wall of the nearest building, an old brick one. I don't wait to see it break and I rest against the trash can. I only feel slightly better. Luckily, the man is gone. I guess I scared him away. I'm relieved, but I suddenly feel like I've lost Chuck all over again.

The flowers were a horrible, cruel trick. They let me hope again. But he's dead. He's dead and he's never coming back, confirmed by the broken phone on the ground. I turn back to the street and manage to hail down a taxi. Serena's right. I should go home. I'm not going to talk about it, but Serena will just have to respect my wishes. She's my best friend. And I need someone to take care of me right now.

I head home and almost pass out in the taxi. A million thoughts are running through my head but at the same time I feel so empty. I don't know what to think about this all or how to handle it. All I know is that I'm upset. I feel tired and my head feels heavy, but my mind is still racing, and everything is just so confusing. I can't string my thoughts together. By the time I get home, I'm trying to pay the taxi driver in lip gloss.

I finally figure it out and hand the driver the right amount of money and then step out of the taxi. I have to lean against the side of the building for a moment to rest. I can barely see where I'm going, let alone stand. And I'm so tired. So tired of everything. I don't even know what to do at this point. What will tomorrow bring? It doesn't feel like there's a real future for me.

I manage to make my way to the elevator, and then I'm finally in my penthouse.

I walk in and freeze, because even through my blurry vision and half-crazy mind, I recognize the person sitting in my living room.

"Chuck?"

"Blair!" he says in relief, standing and starting to walk quickly towards me.

"Stop!" I say. "Stop right there!"

He stops, looking confused.

"Blair, it's okay, I'm okay, I'm alive!"

"Why are you here?"

"To see you!"

"But you're dead." I lean against the wall for support. "You're dead…"

He shakes his head. "Blair, are you okay?"

"You didn't show up…"

"I know, and I'm sorry but they weren't going to let me out, I had to threaten and bribe them and they're making a nurse live with me! Blair, what's wrong? What happened to you?"

"No, you were late because you're dead!" I shriek. I don't know what's happening. This is just a trick, like the flowers. The world is still taunting me, for some reason. Maybe I'm being punished for abandoning Chuck.

"Blair, look at me, I'm fine!"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Chuck!"

"Chuck is dead! You're not Chuck. You're…you're…you're just here to trick me…why is this happening?"

"Blair, calm down! It's okay!" He starts to move closer to me.

"Don't come any closer!" I warn. "Serena!" I call up the stairs.

He ignores me and moves closer. I try to move away but stumble. "What happened to you?" he asks quietly. "Who did this to you?"

I push him away, because this isn't him. This isn't Chuck. Chuck is dead. He's lying dead in a grave somewhere, or being prepared for it. This man is not Chuck, it can't be…after everything that's happened today, after everything I've had to accept, I can't accept this. This is not real.

Chuck is pushed back into a small table, and a vase on it falls and breaks on the ground, the pink peonies in it falling with it.

"All I ever did was love you," I whisper. "And all you ever did was hurt me. Even now, even now that you're dead, you're hurting me, because you know, you know I still love you, but you know I can't have you, because you're-you're…"

The pink peonies are strewn on the ground. Sitting there, taunting me of what could have been…

"…dead."

I slide down on the wall and start to cry. "Serena!" I call. "Serena, help! Serena!"

"Blair?" I hear her shout. She appears at the top of the stairs. "Blair, what's wrong? Is there someone in the house?" she says, eyeing the broken vase.

"Serena, help me! Who's that? Get him out!"

Serena hurries down the stairs. "Chuck? What's going on?" she asks the man.

"What did you call him?" I demand. "Who is he?"

The man stands and looks at Serena, bewildered. "Serena, I think she's been drugged, I don't know what's happening but something's wrong…" He turns to me. "Blair, Blair I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you and I'm not trying to now! Please…"

"It's Chuck, Blair! He's alive! Didn't you get my messages?"

"Yes, and you said he was dead! No, no, that's not him, Chuck is dead…"

Serena runs to me and hugs me.

"Shh, it's okay, B. Calm down. I'll get him out," she whispers.

"I think you might be right," Serena says worriedly to the man. "Don't worry, I'll take care of it, but you'd better go. I'm sorry. I'll call you later."

I look up briefly and see the hurt and extreme worry in the man's eyes, but he nods and leaves.

I sit there with Serena for a while, refusing to move, until Nate shows up.

"Serena, I got your text. What's wrong? Did the lovebirds leave?"

He notices us on the ground.

"Help me move her to her bed, please, Nate?" Serena asks softly.

He nods, looking confused, and suddenly I feel myself lifted.

"What happened?" he whispers.

"Shh," Serena says softly.

I finally feel myself lain down in my bed.

"Blair," Serena says quietly. "Tell me what happened. Tell me what happened when Chuck didn't show up today."

"Maybe we should let her rest, something's clearly drugged her. I remember with Jenny-"

"Nate, not the time to reminisce. And we have to do this now. We need to know if she's in danger."

"Okay."

"B, what happened?"

"I left…I went to the hospital…then that bar nearby…"

Nate groans.

"I've been there, it's one of the sketchiest places I've ever been."

"And then-and then…there were these guys…they bought me a drink…then I-I…"

I can't say it. I feel like I'll disappoint them if I tell them. I skip over the next part.

"…then everything was wrong, and one tried to take me away but then I saw the flowers…"

"What flowers?"

"The pink peonies…but they were just a trick, because I listened to your message. You said Chuck wasn't going to show up."

"We threw the flowers we bought for Chuck to bring to her in the trash after they weren't going to let him out, remember?" Serena says to Nate. "And she must not have listened to the whole message…"

"So she thinks Chuck is dead?"

"Well, she saw him but freaked out, she kept saying it was a trick because Chuck was dead. I had to send him home."

"Wow. How'd he take that?"

"Well, he just wants Blair to be okay. He agreed."

"Do you think she'll be okay?"

"Yes, I think so. We better not talk about Chuck to her right now, though. It'll just confuse her. Let's wait for her to have some sleep."

I guess they think I can't hear, even though I can. But I'm not paying much attention to what they're saying. It doesn't quite process in my mind.

All I know that Chuck is still dead and nothing is going to change that.

AN: This one was also originally three chapters! Hope you liked it, even if things did get a bit crazy! If you know the song "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift, that's what the beginning was kinda modeled after even though I didn't really mean for it to be.

I felt it needed another twist, so I hope you guys don't mind. I hope I didn't go too far-I'm always doing that when writing, testing my limits and then seeing if they're accepted. I don't even mean to. I just hope I didn't cross a line here.

A whirlwind drama-filled chapter! The next one will be less dramatic…I need to start wrapping this story up! Probably around 2-3 chapters left.

I'm not sure when I'll update next…maybe this weekend?

Thanks for…

Reviewing: QueenBee10, Hoey, Aleshaa, Roswell Dream Girl, SKaylor95, and RomanticSoul693

Favorite Story: conem

Story Alert: 2010blueberry

Author Alert: jdhorses

Oh and since I updated soon with a really long and drama-filled chapter, I think that means extra reviews! But if you hated it please don't be too harsh!