A/N: I'm a horrible person. I know, I know, I know, I know. AND this chapter is shit. It goes no where. SO SORRY!

Dedication: Moono (for being the best real life fanfiction boosh fan friend :'D) and Molly. Molly. Molly. I love you.

Disclaimer: I kind of a wee bit own someone in this chapter. Though they were mentioned int eh Boosh. So...fuck it. I own nothing.

PS I totally quote Nathan Barley.

The cafe shaman sat lonesome at his usual spot in Noir's Moon-light Cafe. He was surrounded by strange herbs, tarot cards, and old magic books with pages falling out from the seams. In front of him sat a large, majestic-looking crystal ball. 'From 1602,' he had said, proudly rubbing the smooth surface. He used to entertain people, now he sat, stoned and bored, nursing a black coffee.

"Naboo," I said to the shaman, flicking his blue silk turban. "There's a couple that need seats. Can't you go home?"

"It's so far!" Naboo groaned, slumping down on the cushions.

"It's upstairs, Naboo!" I exclaimed, gathering up the shaman's tarot cards. "I'm sure you can make it."

"That's your flat."

"Yeah, yours is next door, Naboo," I said. "Remember?"

"Hmmm...oh yeah..." Naboo gathered up his things and slinked off the back to the stairs.

"I reckon he should go to the hospital," Howard whispered to me as he showed the couple into Naboo's vacant table.

"Let him talk to his stuffed animal, it's sweet."

"It's not just Bollo, Vince. He's constantly stoned. We should probably do something," Howard said, worriedly.

"He's fine. He'll get back to normal again. He does this once every three months. We should be used to it by now," I patted Howard's arm and he quickly flinched away.

"Don't touch me!" He shouted.

"Right, right, sorry. Don't know what all the fuss is though, Howard!" I said. "I'm not going to kill you. We've known each other for eighteen years. I reckon you should know that by now." I smirked and poked my tongue out the side of my mouth a bit.

Howard just shook his head, and walked away from me and made his way to the door to greet a regular.

I went back behind the bar and poured myself a mug of coffee, leaving it black.

"I thought coffee made you jumpy," said a girl sitting on a barstool, leaning her elbows on the counter.

"It does," I replied. "I need the kick."

"Why not have vodka?"

"You're 16, Victoria, what would you know about vodka?"

"I'm 16, Vincent," she mocked, "in the 21st century, of course I know about vodka."

I laughed. "Alright, smart arse, what do you want?"

"Mocha," she said. "And don't call me Victoria."

"So, I can call you smart arse?"

"No, but you can call me Vector!" She said, beaming.

"Vector? Genius," I smiled. "I like it. Vector."

"Yeah, Vector," she smirked. "Now come on, where's my bloody mocha?"

"Ah, sorry, can't make them," I said. "More Howard's forte."

We both looked over toward's Howard. He was talking to Mrs. Gideon.

Mrs. Gideon. The woman Howard had been massively infatuated with since they'd first bought the cafe. She owned a reptile pet store across the street called Gideon's Reptiles. I thought she must've been able to come up with something a little better. Gideon's Reptiles was just so dull.

"Poor bastard," Vector sighed. "He'll never get her...or anyone really."

My heart sunk when she said that. If no one would get him, then neither would I. My life is a cheesy melo-drama. Damn fucking damn.

"Are you Vince's boyfriend?" Gideon asked Howard, extremely confused.

I wish.

"What?" He exclaimed. "No, no we're just friends. I co-own the cafe."

"I've never seen you before."

"No, no, you have Mrs. Gideon! I say hello to you every morning when you come in. You forget who I am every morning when you come in!"

Instead of getting Howard, Vince and Vector watched him ramble on to Gideon as she got more and more confused and slightly disturbed.

"Come on, Gideon! I gave you that bookmark with the trumpets on it!"

That's when I decided to interject. "Oi, small eyes!" I shouted. "Come make Victoria a mocha!"

"Vector, Vincent!" She growled. "Vector!"

"Oh yeah, Victoria's called Vector now," Vince grinned. "Well genius, innit?"

"Well fucking Mexico," Vector burst, slapping her hand on the bar.

"Why Vector?" Howard asked slipping behind the bar and grabbing supplies to start up the mocha.

"I was expecting you to say something about my swearing," Vector deadpanned.

"It's the 21st century, what don't teenagers say?" Howard laughed.

"Well fucking Mexico," she repeated, smiling broadly. "See, when I'm a famous photographer I'll need a cool name. So, I picked Vector. Clever, isn't it?"

"Extra chocolate?" Howard asked.

"Yep," Vector said. "Can you hurry, though, I have to be at school in twenty minutes and it'll take me, like, ten to get there!"

"Have I ever made you late before?" Howard laughed.

"I suppose not," she shrugged, and smiled.

I liked this. Me and Howard and Vector got along. Vector, even though she was an insane-picture taking-manic-Canadian music obsessive-wannabe mod-16 year old, was my best friend. Howard was obviously was my best friend, but I was madly in love with that particular best friend, so Howard didn't really count. I kind of wanted to adopt Vector just to have her around all the time. But she was only around five years younger than me, and I was definitely not ready to be a father. A father of a teenager, no less. I have silly thoughts sometimes.

I watched Howard the rest of the day, just being him. Trying to impress people. Not impressing people. Making amazing coffee. Twitching his mocha moustache. Being beautiful in every possible way.

Three years of love, and still, he was much too good for me.

PLEASE REVIEW!

Writer's block is horrible. I have no idea what to do :| I only have awesome lines for Vector and Howard trying to convince Gideon of his existence