A/N: I do not have a beta for this story at the moment, please excuse any errors.

Disclaimer: All Twilight character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.

All intellectual property, characterizations, plot lines, backgrounds and details belong to Ryder Jude. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without express written authorization. ©2010.

Kid, that's what he called me. Hearing the term of endearment added insult to injury. I felt like crying, I wanted to give into the child inside me. I sympathized with a deflated ballon, full of excitement, lighter than air on my high, but now it was like he had taken a pin and popped the bubble I was blissfully naïve in.

We had been discussing music, genres, and magical voices when he first called me kid. I startled a little at the nickname, and painfully realized in that moment it was just how he viewed me, a kid.

It hurt, my throat tightened up, but I kept the grin on my face, and nodded along weakly with whatever his words were.

"Bella," he asked with a furrowed brow, "are you alright?"

I tried to smile at him, but even I knew I was a poor actress. "Yeah, fine." I muttered.

"Are you sure?" He questioned, concerned.

I nodded, feeling my smile turn into a grimace. I had to leave, I had to get away from him, and those wounded eyes.

"I just...I just have to go home." I murmured my voice raspy.

I stumbled away from him, waving my farewell, feeling like a coward. But, it was self-perseverance. At least, that's what I told myself.

I caught one last glimpse of him in the corner of the room, before the crowd blocked our sight.

He looked...devastated, and I couldn't fathom why.

"Bella!" Someone shouted.

"Bella! Wait up!" It was Jake's voice, and it was getting closer. I just wanted to escape with a little humility. I didn't think it was too much to ask, to not cry in front of everyone. Or Jake.

Jake's fingers wrapped around my arm, slowing my movement. But, I pulled him with me, and pushed out the door.

"Hey," I mumbled, my voice quiet.

"You leaving?" He asked, with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, I'm tired." I lied, while I inspected my shoes.

His dark eyes were appraising me, and I felt what was little left of my veneer slip. "Okkkaaayyy," He drew the word out, slowly, "what's wrong, Bells?"

His usual cheerful demeanor gone, and his softened voice broke me. "Nothing," I mumbled into the ground, refusing to meet his gaze. "I just need to get home, Jake." I pleaded. And, I truly needed just that.

"Sure, sure." He mumbled, and I started to turn away from him. But, he stopped me again by tugging on my arm. "But, I'm here, Bells. If you want to talk, or whatever." He shrugged after the words left his lips, like he incapable of doing anything else. And, maybe he was. Jake was my brother, and just as protective.

I rasped out a "thanks," and jumped into my big, faded red, rusty truck. The faint scent of gasoline, tobacco, and peppermint enveloped me. It was soothing.

I gulped in a couple of deep breaths, and refused to give in to any emotions until I was home.

I supposed I was responsible. But, I honestly just didn't want to confront those feelings until I was alone. Truly alone.

As I started up the ignition, Edward appeared out on the doorstep. His troubled jade eyes followed my every move, and as I drove away he stared longingly after me. He looked so out of place, and the expression equally as odd.

He was too beautiful, and perfect for that ordinary house. And, too extraordinary for that sad look in his eyes. I didn't know what could be the cause for his bluesy mood, but it wasn't right. Not at all, it hardly seemed fair for such beauty to suffer.

And, that was the first time I saw the sadness in his eyes that plagued him. Because, in the future I'd notice it more and more. And, come to realize that he was touched by something, too. Although, his was nowhere near as bad as mine.

XXX

I fell into bed, and curled my body inward. The warmth, familiarity, and comfort of my bed helped ease my ache. It was misery all the same though. The painful feeling in my chest wouldn't let up. Tears spilled over my eyes, and I couldn't even muster the energy to brush them away. I just laid there quietly, crying.

Sounds hurt my ears, I felt drained, and despondent. It was like I was in some kind of daze, with no hopeful light at the end.

I'd felt this way before. Many times throughout my small life. It was a haunting, devastating feeling to feel that powerless. Sometimes things sparked the emotion off, or sometimes it appeared out of nowhere, this suffocating feeling.

It was like a light faded from within, like a candle being blown out.

It's an agonizing emotion, it strips you of everything. And, if you were in your correct frame of mind, you wouldn't let something so insignificant define you. But, your not normal in those moments, and define you it does. It takes over everything, it takes away your will. That is the most awful thing of all, for something to take your will away, it's barbaric.

Because how do you fight anything, when you have no will to stop it?

You drown in it, almost luxuriate it, and let it wash over you. Because, the strength that was once inside you is now...gone.

You can only sit by, and hope that the fogginess passes quickly. Pray that you'll find strength to somehow conquer it.

Surrounded my blankets, I thought about my evening, and those jade eyes. Thinking about him, made my chest ache even harder. I wanted a covering of numbness, so sluggishly I found the remote on my bedside table, and turned on the television. Landing on some show, I hoped that it lull me into sleep.

Soon blackness was consuming, and I welcomed it. I needed the rest, the escape.

Waking up the next day, I found it was late afternoon, which was pretty typical when I fell asleep during a dark mood. It didn't really make me feel better, in some ways it made it worse.

I felt groggy, and more tired than before. My sleep was broken, too. I woke up several times during the night, but I continued to lay there after I stirred from the restless night. My bladder finally began to protest too loudly, forcing me to my feet.

After I had relieved myself, and brushed my teeth, I shuffled down the stairs to the kitchen. My energy vanished with every step. And, there was Renee dancing around, humming a rock tune, with her light brown wispy hair twirling around her. It would have made me smile, normally.

Her blue eyes caught mine, as I slumped into a stool at the bar counter. She smiled, "Hi Bella baby, you slept pretty late today." Her voice was soothing, although it seemed extremely loud to me today.

I shrugged I couldn't really find the effort to retort, even that felt like too much.

She was making lunch, sandwiches. "Hungry?" She asked. I just shook my head once to tell her no.

Her brow furrowed as she looked at me, "Honey," she started, but Charlie interrupted as us. He came in through the back door, and caught Mom by surprise. He turned her around, landing a big kiss on her lips. I was appropriately disgusted, as usual. The two of them were very loving, and very cool, very much hippies. But, I was seventeen, who wants to watch your parents fool around all the time?

Gross. Not. Me.

But, I couldn't even work up enough of a pained look to display my embarrassment with their affection.

My Dad opened the fridge, grabbed a drink, mussed my hair, said "Hey kiddo," and left a flushed Renee in his wake.

"That man," she started dreamily, staring off after him.

Shaking my head, I realized that I needed to speak up, before I had to sit there listening to their escapades.

"Stop," I figured it was enough, for now anyway.

When the sound of my rough voice hit her ears, she took notice of my appearance again. She moved around the island, and leaned across the bar toward me. She put a soft hand to my forehead, and then cupped my cheek. "Bella, you're not feeling well today." She stated.

My Mother always knew. My disheveled clothes and hair, the sad look in my eyes, and the purple shadows under my eyes were probably not helping anything either.

I didn't have to say anything, because she already knew, so I said nothing.

"Dammit," she muttered under her breath. "Is it that those kids again, because honey I'll do something about it right this second." She moved away from me, taking her warmth, and picked up the phone.

"No, Mom." I cleared my throat, and it was painful. My voice was weak, small, defeated. "Please, don't. It wasn't them." It was me.

But, it was always me. My mind was just sad. Sick, broken. And, with those thoughts my mood plummeted further.

"It's just me, Mom." I admitted, with tears swimming in my eyes, and a sad smile.

It was the truth, as bitter as it was.

Renee sighed, "Bella baby, we'll work through this, you've got such a strong spirit. You always pull yourself out. Always."

I scoffed at her words, strength I lacked. If I were strong, I wouldn't be so weak-minded.

She grabbed my chin, her blue eyes fierce, forcing her message into me. "No, Bella. Do not do that to yourself. You are strong, Bella. You have no idea what you possess inside you.

"You're plagued by something many others are not, most people take their contentment for granted. And yet, you draw from within," She pointed a finger toward my chest, " that inner strength you hold, to pull yourself out of it every time.

"Do you even have any idea? It's like a crashing wave, it consumes you, crushes you. Do you know how many people suffer from the same thing, and can't do that for themselves? Do you know how many people let this lead them to harm, insanity? No, I don't think you do. I don't think you get it." Her words threw me off guard, I hadn't ever thought of it like that. It was shallow of me.

Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I felt tears spill over my eyes. I nodded firmly in understanding, because she was right. I never let my moods, or thoughts drive me to those desperate acts, it didn't mean that I never thought them. I just never allowed myself to act upon them. Because, it was too easy, too selfish.

I wasn't a quitter, no matter how hard things got. It just meant it was time to buckle up.

I grabbed my Mom's hand on the counter, and found her silently crying. This wasn't just about me, this never affected just me. "Thanks, Mom." I said.

I needed to hear that.

XXX

A week later I was sitting on the couch with my Dad, watching some sports game. Well...I wasn't really watching, just more or less staring off at the t.v. Renee came through the living room, crossing in front the television throwing Charlie in a craze. But, she just rolled her eyes, and stood in front of me.

"Jake's on the phone, honey." She said, nodding her head, toward the kitchen.

"Mom, please," I croaked out, I didn't have the energy yet to talk to him, or anyone. I was working on it, though. I'd get there, soon.

Renee put her hands on her hips, and sighed.

"Bells, you do whatever you want." Charlie said, padding my leg.

I nodded, going back to staring. But, my Mom blocked my sight, not that it really mattered. "Honey, I think you should try." She said, with raised eyebrows, and an imploring look in her eyes.

"Pipe down, woman. Let the kid do whatever she wants," My Dad teased playfully, his chocolate eyes crinkling at the corners as he smiled.

"Charlie!" Renee cried marching up to him, about to face off in a playful argument.

But, really I knew what I needed to do.

I stood up slowly, stretching my limbs as I did, and said, "Okay."

"Okay?" Renee questioned, with surprise in her eyes, and a smile on her face.

"Okay." She nodded smug, in Charlie's face, swinging her hips as she turned away from him.

Dad quickly slapped her behind, causing her to yelp. "Charlie!" She squealed, with a red face.

I rushed from the room then, wanting no part of that.

Picking up the receiver I prepared myself. A little conversing, I could handle this.

"Hey Jake," I whispered into the phone, wishing my voice weren't wavering.

"Bells! I haven't heard from you all week, you okay?" His jovial voice was familiar, and hard to listen to at the same time.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I mumbled, curling the cord around my finger. I didn't want to lie to Jake, but it wasn't something I liked talking about it either. It usually made things worse, bringing it up.

"Hey, so what are your plans for tonight? I haven't seen you since the party last weekend."

"Err, nothing, Jake." I was hoping he wouldn't push me too far, I loved Jake, but I didn't feel up to anything.

"Great! So, you can come with us. Leah, Sam, me, and this other girl from school are going to listen to this band tonight. At this club, so you'll come with us?" He asked, excitedly.

Cupping my throat, I felt the tension already building, "Jake, I don't think I can tonight." I said lamely.

"Why? Do you have something with Renee, or Charlie?" He asked, both our families were big spending time together, we loved it, unlike most people our age.

"No, I just..." I trailed off, wishing for a valid excuse.

"No, none of this but's, then. You're coming. Please, it's been so long since we gone out together." He pleaded.

His words were making me feel guilty. I loved Jake, he was my brother. He was like my sunshine, warming me, and brightening my outlook.

He made me better. And, he never even knew. I sighed, I really didn't feel like this was a good idea, but I felt like I could use the warmth he provided by being in his presence. Maybe his optimism would rub off on me.

"Okay, I'll go." I relented. I felt his smile through the phone.

"Yessssss! We'll pick you up at eight," he said, uttering a quick goodbye, that almost made me laugh.

XXX

When we arrived, my nerves spiked, it was crowded, heat blazed through the club, but Jake kept close by me. It comforted me knowing that he was there. He was on a date tonight, with a beautiful girl, it was actually the girl from the bonfire. I felt myself smile a little at the two of them.

It also made me think of Edward. I had been skimming over him in my mind, just grazing the surface. It wasn't Edward that put me into my blue mood, but it was painful to think about. I felt like a child. An insignificant, foolish child, I was horribly embarrassed. It was like I had imagined everything.

The feelings he invoked in me, the spark. It made me distraught thinking about it, so I didn't. I couldn't.

It wasn't like I could step back from the situation with a clear head, and evaluate it. It was better to leave it alone.

I did what I had to, I buried it inside.

"Bells, let's head to the front of the stage." Jake yelled in my ear, tugging me along behind him.

Once we stopped up front, there were people all around us. It was even worse toward the lip of the stage. Sam, and Leah pulled up behind us, offering drinks to everyone.

Even though I was the fifth wheel tonight, it wasn't awkward.

I was sipping my coke, when Jake leaned toward me, and said, "Aren't you glad you came tonight?" He asked, with his pearly white grin.

Nodding with a smirk, I thought of how Charlie would have rather been here. "My Dad's jealous, he's probably wishing he was here, too." When I informed my Dad of my plans he was all about joining us, but Renee was having none of it. He loved music, just like me.

I assume that's where my passion for music came from, from an early age I was going to rock concerts. And, music was always blasting whenever we were together.

Jake laughed, "I bet! I wish Charlie would have come tonight!" He said, he looked over at his date, Nessie, and his dark eyes twinkled.

They were talking quietly, as the band came out to set, and check their equipment.

"Hey Bells," Jake said out of the blue, bringing my focus toward him, "what happened last weekend when you left the party?" He asked.

The coke in my throat burned, as I thought about how to answer his question. But, something ignited in me right at that moment. A spark.

My chest constricted painfully, at my thoughts, as my eyes roamed over the club. And, there on stage was his bronze locks. A couple of strands flopping carelessly into his eyes, as he moved across the floor.

Jade trapped me then, locking into my chocolate gaze. And I panicked. The crushing feeling, the dejection, and the surprise written on his beautiful face saw me rushing off. Jake was reaching out for me, and distantly I heard him calling my name over and over.

I elbowed people, pushed, and shoved until I was free enough to escape the club. But, I felt that draw coming closer, pulling me. Edward was moving in on me, with purposeful strides, and a cautious look in his jade eyes.

Quickly, I scanned the room until I saw the ladies restroom, and ran to it, like a life-preserver. I actually slid into the bathroom, as Edward closed in, slamming the door, and swallowing the desperate feeling within me.

One thought raced through my mind: How do I get out of here?

XXX

A/N: I've never written an author's note, and never felt the need to before. But, I thought I should address a couple of things. This is not a story about Bella, and Jake. They are merely friends, very much like siblings. There won't be any romantic feelings between them. Also I know in my summary it's foreboding about Edward, and Bella. But, this will end with them together, and happily.