He had changed. So much so, that he was almost unrecognisable to the sarcastic and bitter prisoner that had been brought on board a few weeks ago. The change hadn't happened overnight, of course, and the blonde man was clearly still uncomfortable around people, preferring to concentrate on his work, tinkering with Akatsuki, or talking quietly with Murdoch, the chief mechanic. People wondered why he seemed so reluctant to talk to others, but after all, he had come from the Alliance...the comparatively relaxed attitude of the Orb crews must be very different to what he was used to. He was polite enough, for sure, and friendly enough, but still seemed nervous.

Anyone would be nervous, he thought sometimes, lying on the bed in the room he had been given. I like it here...a place where I'm more able to be myself. But people look at me sometimes, whisper behind their hands to each other...and it feels the same as it did back on my old ship. They don't trust me, wonder what it is I'm hiding, wonder why I won't talk to anyone. And those who do talk to me - they aren't really talking to me, but to the person they think I am...to Mwu.

But around her, things were different. In her presence, he felt comforted and happy. Ever since the day they had met, the day he had woken up in the infirmary and seen her sitting beside him, he had been drawn to her. Everything about her was warm, from her eyes, to her voice to her manner, and it was so different to what he'd been used to, that he'd found himself wanting to spend as much time with her as he could. She was beautiful, gentle and kind...and he had fallen hopelessly in love with her. People had noticed, of course, including the boy named Kira. Kira didn't seem too surprised about it, though, instead just smiling. "Of course you love her, Mwu-san," he had said cheerfully. "That's never changed."

He hadn't been sure how to answer that. There was no point trying to convince the kid that he wasn't this Mwu - he was adamant about it, and despite the initial annoyance and frustration, Neo had found himself wanting to believe it. He had learned from Kira and some of the other crewmembers that the beautiful captain and this Mwu had been in a relationship, and by all accounts, had loved one another dearly. It explains a lot. Why she cried when she saw me that first time, and why she still looks so sad sometimes when she looks at me. It must hurt her...that I look so much like him. I want to tell her that I wish I was him. That even though I'm not him...I love her.

But however badly Neo wanted to tell her, his voice caught in his throat whenever he tried. He did love her, the thought of her filling his long-frozen heart with warmth. He wanted to cure the loneliness he saw in her, the loneliness she occasionally let show in unguarded moments, and more than anything, he wanted her to smile. I can imagine it sometimes, at night when I close my eyes...that smile. A real smile from her...would be like sunlight. More than anything, I want to tell her I love her - and see if she'll smile for me...

But as much as he wanted to, he couldn't. Because she still loved her Mwu, and always would. Neo could never replace him in her heart. And besides...He sighed, staring up at the darkened ceiling of his quarters. He wasn't right for her. The things he had done...he had caused people so much pain, something he had just begun to realise. He hadn't told anyone here about his life before he'd been brought here, hoping that the good he could do as part of this crew could somehow help him atone for the sins he had committed. But his actions still weighed heavily on his heart, and he knew that however much he tried, part of his soul would always be blackened.

That's why I can't tell her how I feel. I love her so much, everything about her. She's beautiful, pure, faithful to her love and her friends, and the kindest person I've ever met. And that's exactly why I can't be with her, even if she ever returned my feelings. Because I'm...everything she isn't. I'm a murderer - corrupted. If she knew the things I'd done...she'd hate me, and I couldn't bear that...

So he would remain as he was. He would stay her friend, and remain by her side...loving her in secret. She would never know how he felt about her - because he would never tell her. It hurt terribly, but it was better for both of them this way...wasn't it?

And he continued to think that way...until after that day at Copernicus.

She'd been walking through the ship when she'd spotted him. Standing there at the observation window, staring blankly out at the dock of the lunar city. He seemed lost in thought, and never noticed her walk up to stand beside him. His azure eyes and blonde hair gleamed in the lights from Copernicus as he gazed out of the window. Murrue smiled a little, inwardly pleased to have this opportunity to study him. With his looks, and the way he was acting now...with each day, he became a little more like Mwu. She didn't want to hope - was afraid to...but she couldn't change her dreams. In them, she saw this man, the one who was so like her beloved, and was becoming more so each day. Like the daydreams she'd had of Mwu, she saw herself together with this man - the Colonel, and deep inside, these dreams made her happy. Perhaps my head is trying to tell me...that I can't stay alone forever. That something needs to change. But my heart tells me that if I do let myself get closer to him...that I'll be betraying Mwu somehow. I promised myself that I'd wait until I saw him again.

But...wouldn't Mwu want me to be happy? What do I do? The bath the other day made me realise how attracted to him I was...that if I let myself, I could very easily fall in love with this man - if I haven't already.

As if he knew she was thinking about him, the Colonel blinked out of his introspection and turned to her. Seeing her there, his scarred face lit up into a delighted smile. "Oh, hey..." The smile made Murrue's heart skip, and she glanced away, knowing she was blushing. "Hello," she replied softly. "I'm sorry, did I disturb you?" The man chuckled, shaking his head. "No, it's all right. I was just thinking, that's all. I find I'm doing a lot of that these days.." His expression suddenly becoming serious, he turned to her. "Is it all right if I ask you something?"

"O-of course.." she answered, moving to lean against the window. "What's on your mind?" He sighed, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I just wondered...if I told you that I'd fallen in love with someone on this ship, what would you say?" Murrue regarded him carefully, examining his face. He wasn't smiling, instead...he seemed worried. "I'd be fine with that," she replied. "There are rules against it, of course, but they're really only guidelines. Why, do you think there'd be a problem?"

"No," he said quietly, gazing out of the window again. "Not with the ethics. It's more a problem...with myself." He sighed. "Back in the Alliance, I did some things that...I'm not proud of, to put it mildly. I can make all the excuses I want, that I was acting under orders...but it wouldn't change the fact that I did those things. I-I killed people...ruined lives - and the person I love deserves so much better than that." Leaning forward, the blonde man pressed his head against the window. "So...I can never tell the one I love how I feel about them.."

"Don't you think they'd forgive you, if they felt the same way?" Murrue wanted to know, and to her surprise, the Colonel laughed. "That's another problem. I don't know how they feel. That person is a friend to me, and I can't help but be worried that if she doesn't feel the same for me as I do for her...that it'll ruin our friendship. And also, if she knew the things I'd done...she might hate me. And I...I don't think I could bear that.." He closed his eyes, and she gazed at him in sympathy. His sadness, the inner turmoil...it couldn't help but remind her of the way Mwu had been after Mendel. She couldn't think of the right words to say to try and comfort him, so she stayed silent, wondering if he would speak again.

"And even...if I did tell her, and by some chance...she did forgive me, it still could never happen..." he murmured. One hand tightened on the window glass, and he took a deep breath...before looking right at her. "Because the person I love...is in love with someone else."

And Murrue understood. Flushing scarlet, she glanced away, her heart racing. I knew, didn't I? How he felt about me? That day at the bath, the way he looked at me? I should have known this might happen...Taking a breath of her own, she looked back up at him, heart twisting at the desperately sad expression on his face. "Now you know." he said simply, looking back out of the window. "Ever since I got to know you properly...that's how I've felt. I've wanted to tell you for a long time, but was never able to. Because...I don't deserve someone like you, and...and I know how much you still love him. He gave up his life for you...how could I ever compare to someone like that?" Murrue didn't answer, tears building and beginning to trickle down her cheeks. Hearing her slight hiccup, the Colonel turned round, dismay on his face. "Please..don't cry. I knew that if I told you how I felt...that it would hurt you. I'm sorry..." Moving closer, he carefully brushed away the tears from her eyes, the gentle touch causing her to blush again. "I tried to keep it secret," he said softly. "But in the end, I wasn't able to. I guess that..I'm a coward."

He...he loves me... was all she could think, eyes squeezed shut. And me...how do I feel? His touch had caused her heart to race wildly, and the gentleness in his eyes...it reminded her so painfully of Mwu that she couldn't help but cry. It's like he's telling me...that it's okay. I never asked him what I should do if anything ever happened to him, but I'm sure...that he'd want me to be happy. But would being with him...bring me that happiness? "I..I don't know what to do..." she managed to whisper past the lump in her throat. Opening her eyes, she forced herself to look up at him. "If it were you...in the same situation, what would you do?"

"If the same had happened to me?" he asked gently. "If I'd lost the one I'd loved...then someone else told me how they felt? I..I can't even begin to imagine. That's why I didn't want to tell you. The Kira-kid...he told me that you decided to wait for Mwu - wait until you saw him again. And then I come along..." He closed his eyes, looking away. "I'm such a selfish jerk.."

Murrue hiccupped again, although she felt like laughing. Mwu was the same. He was afraid that he was being selfish..after that day we kissed. He knew that I'd loved someone before - still loved them...and felt bad for doing what he did. But I was happy about it, not upset. And him...how do I feel about him?

"Sometimes...it's okay to be selfish.." she murmured. Those had been her words to Mwu that day, and they were just as relevant today as they had been two years ago. History was repeating itself. After heartbreak and sadness...someone came along to mend her shattered emotions, someone to pick her up and help her love again. Two years ago, that someone had been Mwu, and now...it was him. Moving closer, she placed her hand on his arm, causing him to look up at her. "It's okay to be selfish.."

He didn't move or respond for a moment, then sighed, moving to pull her into an embrace, his arms winding tightly around her waist. Murrue closed her eyes, resting her head on his shoulder with a smile. He was warm, comforting, the achingly familiar scent of cologne and sandalwood soap surrounding her. I know...that you're Mwu. You just don't remember. And even if you aren't...I care about you. More so than I wanted to admit...

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( I'm not sure where this came from, but...

Please read and review! )