A/N: I am fully aware that the previous chapter was pretty damn awful concerning grammar, but in fairness, I speedily typed it out on my phone, which was a stupid idea, but it's the only way I can upload things. Thanks for all the reviews! Thought I'd carry it on a bit :)
You can't be in love if you have to think about whether you are, surely? Or is that what parents say to their fourteen year old children when they are secretly concerned about teenage pregnancy? Either way, I couldn't think straight. Not right then. She must have seen my gormless expression when she asked me if I loved her. My answer was pretty vague: I stared at her with my mouth hanging open slightly as if I was going to sneeze. She just stared back. Am I really that dense and wordless around her that I couldn't even give her an answer without having a seizure? Evidently, this was, in fact, the case. If it hadn't been for Sohail scaring the shit out of us both, I probably would have cleared my throat, told her it wasn't appropriate to talk about and then sent her back to the truck. If it was a bomb or explosives of sorts, couldn't let her get in harm's way. She looked so vulnerable. So desperate for an answer. I couldn't remember the last time anyone had looked at me with such desperation and worry. Probably Smurf's brother just before he died.
I remember wanting to hug her and make her feel appreciated, but everyone, including Smurf, was staring at us, watching every step we took towards that sheet.
Thing is, now I know that she was secretly being targeted by the Taliban, and they killed a man who did not fulfill their wishes, I've realised how empty I'd feel if it was her who'd been killed. I've realised that, without her, this tour would have been one of the most difficult, excruciatingly stressful tours of my life, and yet there she was, shining away, making us all feel capable and showing us what she could do. I felt immensely happy to see her again after those awful two weeks without her. If life without her always felt that way from now on, I never want her out of my sight again. I want her by me at all times, and if she can't be, then I want to know if she feels the same... If she does then I have to remain professional, which would be hard, but if she is really only just "fond", then I'd spend my every moment trying to make her see how great she makes me feel, along with everyone she befriends.
I do love her. I don't care if we don't speak the same, I don't care if she thinks I'm out of her league, and I don't care if she never follows orders; she is wonderful. Marvellous. Unfathomably beautiful. Determined... Lovely. I almost kissed her... I thought I'd just made her uncomfortable. I probably did. But then she asks these questions and I want to shut her up by kissing her all over again.
"Sir?"
I swivel around from the paperwork on my table. Dawes herself is standing in her shorts and a loose fitting vest top, with her hair free and her wooly socks coating her ankles. It's late, and it looks like she's been awake in her bed for a long time. She's feeling self conscious because she's squirming slightly and pulling her shorts down.
"Dawes!" I can't stop it from coming from my mouth. It's like she's made me lose control of everything. My feelings are jumbled and my words feel wrong when they leave my tongue. She watches me look her up and down. I can see her freckles and tan lines on her wrists and face. She stands awkwardly in the door. I gesture for her to come in. She hesitates. I'm standing quite far from her, but my knees are locked and my feet feel so heavy that I could just fall over and be incapable of picking myself up until she'd left.
"I'm sorry...about what I said. It wasn't professional or relevant. I feel dreadful. It was uncalled for. I put you on the spot..."
"I don't mind so much, Molly."
That moment was enough to make things clear... I was sure of it.
She looked startled. I realised I used her first name again. I then felt a flush creeping to my cheeks so I decided that bending over to unlace my boots was a good way of hiding my face. Good going, Captain, great display of confidence.
"I'm sorry I treated you like a moron, too. You're not a moron...far from it." I said to my boots, hoping she'd understand that I respected her more than she realised.
"How are them blisters looking?" She asked timidly. Truth is, the other medic did exactly what Molly does. She treated them well and they got better. I didn't do what Molly told me because it was my only excuse for going to see her, even if she did have to smell my disgusting feet on a regular basis. This time, I never felt the dying need to visit the med tent, because Dawes was back in London... Or Newport...
"They're, um, looking a lot better actually. They've started to get better recently. Lord knows why now."
I heard her chuckle. I looked up. Her hair was down and her smile was fading. I wanted to keep it there forever, so I joked, "you know what I'm craving right now?"
"Your poncy coffee, sir?" She grinned. My brain gave a sigh of relief. I laughed and waggled my eyebrows. "Coco Pops!" I kicked my shoes off and took off my fleece. She laughed at me and shook her head. "Me too, but Mansfield Mike took the rest of mine and scoffed 'em whilst I was on R&R."
"How dare he." I frowned. She smiled again
I love it when I make her smile. I gestured for her to sit down. She took a seat hesitantly and watched me. I leaned forward in my chair and took her hand. She stared at mine. "Whatever I suspected happened with Smurf shouldn't matter. It's none of my business. I shouldn't have treated you in such a way, I'm sorry for being an arse." She looked up at me now, watching my mouth quietly. It made me feel so self conscious... It's a long time since a girl's ever done this to me. "However, it does matter to me. It shouldn't, it really mustn't, but it does. I could barely stop thinking about you for the two weeks you were gone, and every time I heard your name mentioned, I remembered a reason to be happy. You, Molly, make me feel so happy that I could fly. Not many people have been able to make me laugh as much as you on tour, and no one has taught me so much. I have you back now, and I can barely let you go again."
"Me...? Teach...you?" She looked so disbelieving that I couldn't help but giggle a bit. It didn't help that out of everything I'd just said, she chose that to pick up on. I nodded, swallowed and carried on.
"You have taught me so many things, Dawes, but one of the main things is that you taught me how to enjoy my tour again. My last one was bloody awful: no pretty girls to look at whatsoever." I joked. But it was true for the most part. Molly made me feel less lonely. I would constantly find myself watching her, because even the sight of her gave me comfort and a sort of thrill. She has these beautiful green eyes that, when I look at them, shock me. Every single time. You could tell how she was feeling just by looking at her eyes. You could see uncertainty, thrill, joy, confusion and so many other feelings you'd never even dream of until you looked at her right then.
"Sir, I'm not sure how to feel right now."
I didn't know how to react to this, so I just said "okay." Maybe I was too quiet because now she looks like she just accidentally kicked a wounded animal.
"Only cos there are so many things that could get in the way! And at least two that definitely will..." She faded off as she looked back at me from her hands.
"Rank?" I asked. I had other reasons...reasons of my own back in England, but if we weren't going to make a big deal out of it just yet, those reasons could wait.
She nodded and added in a low voice "and Smurf."
"Ah, yes. I suppose your little escapade changes things doesn't it?" I said all too bitterly.
"No. Nothing happened...but when we got back here, well, he kinda said he loved me."
I stared. It made sense now. Why he looked so happy when he got back, because he'd spent time with her, and how he'd kept staring at her since.
"He came to London and I went to Newport because being at home is just too difficult for either of us. No one gets it, Sir. Surely you must understand!"
"I do." I smiled. I was so relieved that she and Smurf weren't what I thought they were. "I have to admit that's a big relief."
"I can tell. You're grinning like a right moron. It's quite alarming, actually." She giggled. I stood up and gave her a crushing hug. She clung onto my back and rested her head on my chest. I liked being taller than her, but it wasn't exactly difficult, given that she was about 5 foot nothing.
"You don't love him back then?" I said quietly into her hair. She shook her head and laughed "how could I if I'm so bleeding in love with you?!"
I needed the reassurance, but there was no going back now. She wouldn't understand but I've always been unsure about relationships. This time, I felt more certain...because it was her. I kissed her briefly and held her. If I kissed her for any longer, there'd be no stopping me. I'd never let her go. "At the moment, rank might get in our way, but I promise you, in England things will be different. I have things to sort out there. It doesn't feel much like home anymore. The people I loved and still love don't really get it. But you do."
"Yes, Sir, I do. I get it more than Fingers has had herpes." She laughed into my shoulder and I laugh loudly with her.
"How can I sleep now?" I asked. She looked up at me with a smirk on her face. "Don't you complain. I get the smelly men to sleep with and you get your private quarters."
"You could always sleep in here too, if you like." I grin. She opens her mouth in mock horror. "As much as I would love that, it doesn't really reinforce the idea that we're gonna be a secret thing, will it?"
I groan and laugh. If only we didn't have to hide it. I finally stop squeezing her and she peels herself away from me. I look longingly after her as she leaves. She knows I'm watching her and as she walks over to the tent she flips her hair over dramatically and shakes her bum before she goes in. I applaud her, and I don't care that people can hear. I want the world to know that I am in love with Molly Dawes.
Shit.
I'm so screwed.