A lovely long chapter here for the delay! I had to watch the break up scene line by line for this… Gosh, I cried! Like, mascara explosion on my face! XD Oh, a lot of swearing in this chapter. It contains a lot of angry/confused/upset Brendan, resulting in a lot of swearing. Oh and there's a lot of abuse at God here. And I don't mean it, cause I'm a Christian but Brendan is lost and confused, as we know so he's taking it out on God a lot here.
Also, its got a bit of added scenes to it to. And it's a f**king long chapter. You don't have to read it, its not VITAL the only thing I would ask, is that you read the break up and the following scenes, because after the 'I'm bleeding' line from Rae, I've added more =D
Days, weeks, pass. I barely speak to Steven. Our relationship seems to have cooled. I do not know why, nor who's fault it is but we are no way near as close as before. That, however, does not mean my feelings have cooled. No, I still love him. I would still kill for him.
I find out he is making deals with Foxy behind my back, damn it. He betrayed me. Why? Has he done it to spite me? To get back at me because I won't show my affection? Whatever the reason is, I am far from pleased.
I see him reject a call and I know, somehow, that the call is from Warren. I stroll over to him. Time to talk, Steven…
"That what you do when I call you, is it?" I ask. He looks guilty, threatened. He doesn't need to feel like that around me. "Or are you trying to avoid somebody else?"
He tells me it is none of my business, he's spiteful and angry. Why is he being so cold towards me? Only 3 weeks back, he told me he wanted a proper relationship… wanted to share things… now he is hiding things from me. I laugh, in the way only I can. No, Steven won't keep things from me. I won't let him.
I tell him that I shall judge that and I pluck the phone from his hands. Steven seems to make no attempt to stop me. He lets me take the phone and glance at the screen. Oh, what a surprise… 1 missed call: Warren.
"Oh, look! It's Warren!" I cock my head to the side and Steven avoids my gaze. "Didn't know you two were mates."
I pause, almost growling at the memory of them down the ally. Warren Fox, getting involved with Steven. MY Steven… I tell him I had seen them down the alley together and his face falls. He tries to snatch the phone off me, angry. "Ooh." I move the phone from his reach, then look him dead in the eye. He looks up at me for the first time and we make eye contact. He looks terrified but somehow seeks comfort in my gaze.
"Stay away from him," I tell him bluntly. I slap the phone into his chest. "He's trouble."
Steven smirks, disbelieving, then seems to get spiteful again. What is his problem? "That's a bit rich, innit, coming from you?"
"You're angry at me," I nod, trying to level with him, placing a hand on his chest. "I get that. Don't use that as an excuse to do something stupid. Okay?"
He gets angry, slaps my hand away. I see rage in his eyes. "Says the guy who broke my ribs!"
No. He did not just bring that up.
I have felt nothing but guilt for doing that! He cannot throw that back in my face. I lose my temper, tip a table over, grab him and slam him into the bar. He looks terrified, expecting me to hit him again. He should know I'd never do that!
"You have no idea what I've done for you! So you continue to think I don't give a damn about you, if it makes you happy…" I hiss, trying to get him to understand, dammit. Steven looks confused and scared. But the moment is broken and I can say no more, because Warren walks in, swaggering as always, with that horrid coat of his.
"Who's responsible for this mess?" He ask, indicating the table that I tipped, the smashed glass all over the floor. I step away from Steven, still shaking. I turn to Warren.
"Err, Steven here," I look back at Steven and give him my best 'go along with it' look. He avoids my gaze. "Tut-tut. He's gonna… clean the…" I can't help but laugh shakily at how we almost got caught, at the menacing look in Steven's eyes. I am far from confident with this lie.
I turn and walk away, brushing past Warren and leaving. As I am going, I turn to look at Warren, just as he looks at me. God, I hate him. If he touches Steven I'll…
I do not want to leave Warren alone with Steven, out of fear, I think, but I can hardly stay and catch up with them, can I?
I get outside and linger there for a moment, wondering what the hell I would've said if Foxy hadn't strolled in. Would I have admitted everything to Steven? The murder too?
I hope that Steven doesn't tell Warren what was really going on… and I hope that Warren doesn't work it out. I don't want another Danny. I swiftly return home, trying not to think about Warren Fucking Fox. I have enough worries.
He comes to my house that night, with the envelope that Warren had given him. He has seen sense and come to me. I ask him what he's doing for Warren and he tells me that Warren wants him to deliver this package. I had forgotten about that. Things seem to slip my mind when Steven's there looking gorgeous… Ahem.
"I've gotta take it to some guy, in the middle of nowhere," Steven says, sounding slightly like a teenage gossip in the corners of the corridors in high schools.
No, that won't do. He's not going near Warren's familiars, no way. I had killed Danny to keep Steven safe… he's not putting himself in danger again. This is a job for me. I offer to do it but he seems confused at my helpfulness.
"I'm very interested to know what Warren Fox is up to," I explain, leaving out the 'and I don't want you to get hurt'. I walk towards him, looking at the envelope. "This way… I've got a chance of finding out."
Steven seems disappointed, like he wanted me to tell him I didn't want him in danger. I could've told him that, hell, I thought it but now isn't the time. He chooses to reply to that, even though I haven't said it aloud. He protests telling me he doesn't need mollycoddling, seemingly annoyed. I get frustrated and snatch the envelope out of his hands.
Actually, he does need protection. If I wasn't 'looking after him' Danny would've killed him by now. I'm dangerous. And even though I'm the one putting him in danger, I'm also the one protecting him. We look at each other and this tiny moment where he leans towards me, expecting a kiss. I almost give in. But right now, Warren Fox is the only thing that I need to sort out and Steven would only distract me and slow me down… I leave him out in the bitter cold of the outdoors again, knowing it won't be long before he comes back.
I go and visit the stranger later that night, to deliver the money. I tell him I'm Warren Fox and I text Steven, telling him the man's name and details about him because if I know Warren Fox, he'll be round there questioning Steven. The man is called Kyle and he tells me that Theresa McQueen killed Calvin Valentine, he is the man who was shot at his own wedding. I don't believe it. No, Theresa is covering. Warren killed him. Theresa doesn't have it in her to kill a man.
Steven comes over the next day, seeming all worried and agitated. Like he didn't expect me to answer the door or for me to be battered and bruised. He says he's here to find out if everything went smoothly with Kyle. I tell him that Cheryl is out so he can come inside and I'll tell him everything. Of course, talking is the last thing on my mind. He comes in, and in the light of the living room, he looks gorgeous. As per usual, though. I stroke his cheek, smile. He shakes his head, making a comment about how it was always when I want. I challenge him to walk away. I know he won't. And he doesn't. He wants me, of course he does. Then we're kissing, its passionate and electric and I had forgotten how good he tastes. How alive he makes me feel, how I get that rush and stomach turning excitement when I feel his lips against mine, his tongue in my mouth, his hands in my hair.
Then I drag him upstairs. I haven't slept with him since before that date of ours. Everything had changed since then.
The next day, Amy comes knocking on my door, looking stern. I didn't even know she was back, but here she was, on my doorstep. I let her in and she tells me how she likes her tea, before I even offer to make her one. Smart little bitch.
We get talking. Not small talk or petty comments because she is not here for that. She's here for business. Steven. She wants to talk about Steven. Its obvious. She asks if I'm still sleeping with him. It's none of her business and I'm not prepared to answer. I tell her that it has nothing to do with her. She replies with two blunt words and somehow they make my heart sink and my life crash around me.
"Rae's pregnant."
Then, I know. It's over. Me and Steven. We're over. Done, finished, forever. Because when a lady is having your child, playing away is not an option. I learnt that the hard way, from the stories my Ma told me about her and my Dad. She asks me when I was last with him. I reply with a cold front, like always. Saying about how he works for me. Pretending I don't know what she's talking about. It's too hard to keep the front up when I am still reeling over the 'pregnant' information. I tell her the truth. She sighs. I tell her that it's not how it sounds. Why am I trying to make her understand? Why do I care what she thinks? Why do I care that Rae is pregnant? Why can't I fucking think straight?
She tells me to end it. She doesn't care about me. I promise her I will. Then I tell her that she can't comprehend how much I want to end it. I leave out the but I can't because I love him too much. She doesn't need to hear that. And I don't need or want to say it.
She seems to have heard my thoughts because her next question hits me.
"Do you love him?"
Yes. I want to say yes. I really do. But my brain betrays my heart. I lie. Tell her I don't know what the word means. She sighs and I detect that a huge part of her doesn't believe me. I wouldn't believe me either, if I had an expression as crushed as mine…
Her expression turns sour. She brings up the domestic abuse. The beatings I gave him. Questions if it is still present. It hurts that she questions me but she isn't to know how much I have changed. How much he's helped me. I want to turn and shout that I would never, ever lay a finger on him. Not again. Not ever again.
But that would be too vulnerable of me. I reply with a simple no. I tell her that I'm bad news, that everything she knows I've done is nothing compared to everything else. I mean Danny. Of course I mean Danny. It was weeks ago and still it hurts to remember it. To think of it. I shouldn't have done it… why did I do it?
I tell her that Steven is better off without me. Of course he is. He's safer and he can be happy and won't have to worry about other people. I make him cower and hide and think he is shameful because he's gay. I have wrecked his life, like I always do. Normally, I let go and they go back to their lives. But I am wrecking my own life too now, because I can't let go of him.
She tells me she doesn't believe me. It doesn't matter what she believes. I'm telling her the truth and if she wants to ignore that and pretend I am nothing but a thug then fine, but never again am I going to be honest with her like this. So she might as well listen.
I reassure her again that I will end it, today. She reminds of the fact that Rae is pregnant and I tell her I get it. I give her my word and try and not show how much I'm hurting inside. She goes to leave, but before she does, she turns to me. Asking if I really do hate myself. I don't reply, I just laugh. I want to shout yes and tell her how disgusted I am with myself. How I despise everything I am and how I wish the earth would suck me up. I don't. I let her walk away and leave.
When I hear the door slam, I let the tears I had been holding back fall and I curse Steven aloud for getting me into this mess.
Steven comes over to me later, and asks if we can talk. I want to say no, to tell him that if we talk, everything will fall. I agree and he asks if we can do it in private. It's going to be the 'Rae's having a baby' talk, I know it. I tell him that I need 5 minutes and then I will come and see him.
I meet him in the back, at the stairway. He's stood beside the wall, next to the window. He looks nervous and agitated. I lean opposite him, waiting for him to tell me the news.
"Rae's pregnant," Steven confirms it for me. It hurts far less then it ought to, due to Amy telling me before.
"Is she now?" I reply, making sure I don't sound bothered or surprised. I do it well because inside, I'm being cut to pieces. I hope that he will make it easier and end it for me, so I don't have to. He normally ends it. I've never put a stop to our relationship, not in words. But he has, many a time.
"I don't know what to do," He admits, wringing his hands. I tell him the truth, what he needs to do.
"You need to stand by her," He looks shocked and hurt. No, Steven, please don't do this. "It's the only choice left."
"Yeah, but… Me and you…" He begins, trying not to smile at the memories.
"We're history," I interrupt, putting him straight. Steven, please, understand. Don't make it any harder than it already is!
"No, last night…" He tries again to make a point but I stop him again. If I listen to him, I'll crumble. I know it.
"Was last night…" I slow my answer, hoping he'll get the message into his thick skull and walk away. He doesn't. I'm going to have to get harsh. Put on my façade and lie through my fucking teeth. I'll have to bear with Steven's hurt and my own to make him understand. Because we cannot carry on.
"I was using you, Steven. Like I always do." Part of it is true. I use everyone. I fuck 'um, lead 'um on, make 'um fall for me then I leave 'um out in the cold, waiting for me. Then I get bored, bugger off somewhere and get endless phone calls and letters and sometimes they come after me, like Macca did. Declare their love and beg for mine. But I use them. I don't give a flying fuck if they can't live without me. I can live without them. And I'd fucking rather.
At the beginning, that was how I was with Steven. It was what I was used to. It was who I was. I'd shag him and leave him. As always. But, fuck, that boy just kept fighting. But he wasn't desperate, like the others. And I was drawn to him. He played me just as well as I played him. He flirted and lead me on, then refused my advances. He was always, and still is, a little bit out of reach. There was always, is always, a part of him he keeps away from me. Won't let me have. Because he wants some control. And that's what kept me in the balance. It's what made me go after him more and more. It was, eventually, the thing that made me fall in love with him. Because I got to know him for him. As a person. Not a toy. And I fell for him.
My lies fail, because it's a lie to big. Even for me.
"That's not true," He smiles and tries to hold me, tries to snake his arms round the back of my neck. I grab him, slam him into the opposite wall. No. I won't let him hold me or touch me because I won't be able to hurt him. Won't be able to break his heart. I threaten him, threaten the use of violence. Because, like always, it's the only way I know how to control. it's the only form of control I have and I'll damn well use it. Making people scared is the easiest way to get people to stop.
"Get yer hands off me, unless you want another smack," I hiss, rage in my eyes. Angry not at him, but at the whole fucking world. Angry at a God, I've doubted exists since my Dad ran away. Angry because, yet again, its me that suffers. Me that has the hard jobs and the hard fucking life because I'm Brendan Brady. The bad guy, the tough guy. The guy who screws people over and doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. Everyone seems to forget that I am human. That I can fucking feel just as much as they can. Even if I don't show it.
"Why are you being like this?" He shakes his head, scared. I don't blame him. A few months ago, this would've been the norm but now… Now it was totally out of character and it was scaring the shit out of Steven.
"You're about to be a dad," I hiss, acting disgusted at his cowardice. "Step up. For once in yer life!"
He's too determined. And he says something. Something which I had prayed and prayed to the bastard of all bastards for him not to say. It crushes me and eats me and rips me up inside. Three simple words shouldn't be able to do that. Especially not to Brendan fucking Brady. The tough guy of all touch guys. The front man, the bastard, the heartless drug dealing player. But it fucking does.
"I love you," He emphasises the last word. He doesn't love Rae. He loves me. And fucking fuck I want to say it back. I want to take him in my arms and tell him a thousand times that I do to. I try and hold my façade and my heart together.
"Shut up… please… just…" Before I can finish, he leans forward, kisses me. I kiss him back for a moment, then pull away, pushing my forehead against his. His kiss almost kills me.
"No…no…" I can feel the tears stinging my eyes, blurring my vision of Steven. I go to caress Steven's check, but hesitate. I'm lost in my emotion and heart, battling with my brain. I let my heart win, and take hold of his cheek. Then I go to kiss him, hesistate again, before deciding that there's only one way to say goodbye and make it stick. Goodbyes said with anger are doubted, ones with frustration are regretted and ones with violence are rebelled against. But goodbyes with pain and sorrow, on both sides, are believed, are stuck and are obeyed. Because no one wants to get their heart broken again.
I take his lips in mine and we share a kiss like none before. It is, in both our eyes, our last kiss. It's so full of desperation, because we're desperate for one another, but know it will end. Full of love, because it's the only way I can show him and it's the only chance we'll ever have again to express it. Full of sorrow, because someday, we'll forget what it's like to be with each other. Full of regret, because neither of us want it to end and both of us wish, briefly, that we hadn't got together in the first place.
Its slow, and soft, yet passionate and the most deep kiss we'll ever share. People always say; your last moments are your best. And in this case it's true. But the kiss isn't fucking enough. We want to be close and the kiss doesn't allow us to be close enough. Even sex wouldn't grant us the intimacy we're craving. Nothing can. It's weird how we crave something that isn't physically possible. Only me echoing those three words can make it possible. But I won't. I pull away, sniff back tears and half smile at him. He's looking at me, tears glazing in his eyes.
"That was goodbye…" I tell him weakly. He shakes his head, pleading me.
"No…"
"Get out of my face," I order him, knowing that if I allow him to stay, allow my barriers to fall again then I will take it all back. Take his lips in mine. Take him out into the SU bar and tell everyone. Take him home and take his body. Then, tell him I love him and take his soul, take that little part of me that he's kept from me all this time. I won't allow that. And I won't allow him to stay.
"No!" He's more forceful this time, shaking his head again. I raise my voice and so does he, passion and sorrow and longing twisting to rage and hate. Now I get all those poxy little break ups on soaps and films. I get the arguments and tears and trashing pictures and memories. Because that's all I want to do. I want to scream at him, scream bile and hatred at him. To sob and sob, throwing objects at the wall and destroying photos and documents from work with Steven's name on it. Because the world isn't fucking fair.
"Go, now!" I shove him, hard and he moves, trudging down the steps, as if he's lost all sense of the world. All use of his body. He gets to the other side of the wall and I know he's still there. I can sense him. He's waiting for me to go after him, to call his name and tell him everything about how I feel. How I was just confused but now I know.
That's not me. That's the difference between us and those tv and film break ups. I wouldn't run after him in the middle of the night, when its pouring with rain. I wouldn't call him as I'm about to board my plane. I wouldn't chase him to the train station or the airport and stop him from boarding. I wouldn't do that. And I won't do it now.
I hear the door slam and then Steven is gone, in both scenes. I hope he's not sobbing and causing a scene, or Cheryl will suspect something. Especially if she knows I was with Steven a moment ago. I also hope he hasn't lost scene and he doesn't blurt everything out to Cheryl. I really fucking hope.
I lean against the wall and tilt my head back, my eyes welling up again. There's no going back now. It's seriously over. I wait about 15 minutes and once I've composed myself enough, I head back into the bar, lingering at the door, just like Steven did.
Then I'm back behind the bar, serving drinks, lost in my thoughts. I can't stop fucking thinking about what he said to me…
I love you…
Cheryl comes up behind me and places a hand on my shoulder.
"You alright, Bren?" She asks, snapping me from my sorrow. "You seem a wee bit out of it. Something on your mind? I saw Ste in a right state before. You two had a fall out?"
"What?" I breathe heavily, trying so hard not to lose it and crack. "No, we… fine… nothing… I… nothing happened. I'm nothing. I mean, nothings fine…" I can't speak properly. I make no fucking sense. "I'm fine!"
"Are you sure, Bren?" Cheryl asks, concerned. "You can take the afternoon off if you need a wee lie down to get your thoughts into gear?"
"Yeah, cheers, Chez," I don't need asking twice. I go to leave immediately. Before I go, Mitzeee, the one from the Dog, gives me the funniest look…
I find out the truth behind Mitzeee's 'funny look'. She had seen Steven and I together, saying goodbye. Then, she used it against me. Blackmailed me. I let her do this photo shoot in the SU bar but an incident with a perverted photographer gave us this weird sort of trust and friendship. She promised to be my 'girlfriend' because, in her words not mine, I'm not ready to tell the world I sleep with men, as long as I be her manager. It was a fair deal. I agreed.
Tension began to rise, between me and Mitzeee. We started to realise that we didn't get along at all. Between me and Steven. We started to find it harder to work together and remain professional. But both relationships stayed the same. Mitzeee and I, with this fake romance and Steven and I deadly professional.
Then, I'm not sure what happened but in a week, everything seemed to change. Cheryl told me that Rae was going to have an abortion and was at the abortion clinic now. She had not told Steven anything. I didn't want to see Steven hurt and I certainly wasn't going to let a baby die. Not after Niamh.
I find Steven, tell him. And together we run to the clinic and stop her, just before her appointment.
The next day, Steven informs me that Rae is still unsure about the baby. Annoyed at her selfishness, I go over and see her. Opening up is my only way of making her see. So I tell her about my child, my daughter, who died. Niamh. She seemed to see sense and later told Steven she was keeping the child. At least someone gets to be happy in all of this.
Then, everything falls apart for Steven. And its my fault for not sticking to our goodbye. We end up having sex in the office, during Mitzeee's lingerie show and as we're in the middle of a kiss, Rae and Mitzeee walk in…
She ends it with him, understandably. Steven is crushed. She, then, tells him he's to have nothing to do with the baby. For fucks sake, that's way over the line. I can understand that she's upset and broken and I get that she doesn't want to see him or speak to him but taking a child away from its father is not right. A baby needs a mother and father, I learnt that the hard way…
Things seem to get worse for Steven, then. Me and Rae have an argument and she gets these stomach cramps, then reveals that she is bleeding. I feel mortified. If she loses this child then it is my fault, and I won't be able to deal with that. I can't have killed a child, least of Steven's child! I'm sure he won't forgive me for this…
I bundle her into a taxi and join her, ordering that we are taken to A&E. Her face is pale and stained with tears. She's clutching her stomach and staring into the air. I try and ask her if she is feeling ok, but it seems to be a bad idea.
She glares and me, her red, teary eyes full of hate and anger.
"Don't even talk to me," She sneers, growls, angrily. I nod. I feel horrid inside. Like someone has sliced my open and twisted my organs around each other.
All you have done is wreck his life!
And she's right. I destroyed all hope of a normal life for him and now I've killed his child. I feel hopeless. No matter what I do, how much I try and change, everything turns out the same. I ruin the people closest to me. Make them fall apart and blame me. Like a hurricane, or a vicious tornado. That's who I am. That's what Brendan Brady really is… a monster, a life wrecker, a murderer.
There's more of the taxi scene in the next chapter which will be up soon. =)
Exactly 7 pages long! Hahaha that's loooong.
HS-xx (Jess)