"So, what do you think?"
Carefully, the technician peeked her head around the door of the office. The room's occupant gave no sign that she'd noticed the intrusion, and carried on working. The desk in front of her was littered with papers and folders, and every so often she would tap a few commands into the laptop that sat to one side. Frowning, the technician glanced back up at the one in the corridor behind her.
"What am I meant to be looking at?" she asked, bewildered.
Erica Simmons rolled her eyes. "At her," she hissed.
Taking another look, the techician studied the woman behind the desk. Miss Vernes seemed absorbed in her work like always, amber-coloured eyes focused on the papers. But those eyes were underscored with violet shadows, and she seemed thinner than she had been when she'd first come to work here. Was that what the Director meant?
"She...looks tired," the technician admitted. "Like she's been working too hard. Miss Vernes does stay here pretty late after everyone's gone home..."
Erica grinned triumphantly. "Exactly," she replied. "She needs a break."
Closing her eyes, she leaned back in her chair, stretching arms out above her head. It was getting late, the sky visible through the facility windows fading from purple to midnight blue. The rest of Morgenroete was quiet, most of the other staff having gone home a while ago.
Maybe I should be getting home too...
"Murrue?"
Without even looking up, she knew who the voice belonged to. Most of the other workers here called her Miss Vernes, or Miss Maria - there were only a few people who knew her true name.
"Yes, Erica?" she asked, still not looking up.
Her friend sighed, coming to sit across the desk from her. "Don't you want to be getting home? It's almost eight.."
Finally glancing up, Murrue smiled. "In a little while. I'm almost finished.."
Erica frowned, slumping forward to rest her chin on her hands. "You know," she remarked mildly, "most people would not be working late on a Friday night.."
"You are," Murrue pointed out, signing her name on a few forms.
"I'm not most people. The younger guys here are all going out, for dinner, for a drink...you're not interested in any of that?"
Murrue raised an eyebrow, leaning back in the chair again. "Is that what this is all about? My social life?"
"What social life? You don't have one. You just come to work and go home. Just for once, why don't you get going early, and go out for a drink with some friends?"
Erica's tirade surprised Murrue, and for a moment, all she could do was blink. Noticing this, Erica sighed, slumping again.
"Sorry," she murmured. "I didn't mean it to come out like that. But you know, we are worried about you. Burying yourself in work doesn't make the pain go away..."
"I'm all right." was the mumbled reply, but the older woman clearly wasn't buying any of it.
"No, you aren't, sweetie. You're hiding yourself. I know how much it must still hurt, but you aren't doing yourself, or him, any favours by being an ostrich."
Again, Murrue raised an eyebrow. "Ostrich?"
"Burying your head in the sand. Being alive and living aren't the same thing, you know. You need to get out there once in a while, enjoy yourself. Learn...to cope without him."
"I have," claimed the younger woman, not meeting her friend's gaze, and Erica smiled, reaching out to squeeze her hand.
"You haven't. It's been a year since it happened, and you haven't learned how to cope at all."
Murrue managed a smile. "So, what's your diagnosis?"
"Finish your work, get dressed up, and go out for a while. Live a little, If it doesn't suit you, then you can go home. But at least give it a try...please?"
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Why did I let myself get talked into this?
Sighing, Murrue sat at the shiny wooden table by herself, stirring her drink idly with a cocktail stick. She'd bought the drink to give her hands something to do, rather than her actually wanting it. It had been an hour or so since she'd come out here, giving in to Erica's entreaties, and she was beginning to contemplate just giving up and going home.
I used to enjoy this. Maybe she's right...maybe I am an ostrich.
Despite herself, Murrue couldn't help smiling at her friend's description of her.
"That's better. I've been waiting all evening to see you smile."
The voice was unfamiliar...and male. Glancing up in surprise, she saw a smiling figure standing beside the table she sat at, a glass of beer in their hand. He was tall and dark-haired, with piercing blue eyes...and Murrue felt her stomach flip.
Whoa there. Down, girl.
Glancing away, she fixed her gaze on the plate-glass window of the bar. Her reflection showed that her cheeks were crimson. The man chuckled softly.
"You sure are shy, aren't you?" he remarked, sitting down opposite her at the table. "I'm surprised you're here alone. You're not waiting for anyone?"
Waiting? Maybe I am. Should I be?
Silently, she shook her head, thin fingers still toying with her drink. She still wasn't able to meet the man's gaze, afraid of her own reaction. He was very handsome - it wasn't something she'd let herself think about in the last year...and it made her uncomfortable. But at the same time, her heart was pounding like mad.
Am I really so lonely that I'd react like this?
Taking a deep breath, Murrue looked up at the man. His smile grew, becoming one of delight, and she felt her blush deepen.
"Don't take this the wrong way.." he said quietly, looking back at his beer, "but you have beautiful eyes.."
She wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, so she glanced back at the table, seeing her own reflection in the polished wood.
"You have beautiful eyes, Murrue..." His voice echoed in her mind, almost as if he were sitting beside her, and she squeezed her eyes closed, trying to shut him out.
"T-thank you.." she murmured, voice barely audible. But he still heard it, and smiled again.
"You're welcome," he replied. "What's your name?"
"Maria," she said softly, looking back up at him. His eyes softened with his smile...so like another pair of eyes she remembered that she had to look away again, heart clenching in pain.
"What is it?" he asked, reaching out and placing his hand over hers. "Did I say something wrong?"
His touch was warm...comforting, and she sighed, shaking her head again.
"No, it's all right. I'm sorry.."
The man nodded thoughtfully, glancing around at the now crowded bar.
"Do you...want to go somewhere quieter? I know we've just met and all, but you really don't seem comfortable here.."
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They walked along the seashore together, the moon and stars the only light. Of course, they weren't alone. Couples walked together, some chatting intimately, some holding hands, and Murrue glanced down at her own hands. Her fingers were laced together as she walked...almost as though she were trying to hide herself.
Hide myself from what? What am I afraid of?
Letting someone in.
The realisation both surprised and reassured her at the same time. Now she understood why she felt the way she did. The man she'd met was very handsome, and seemed very kind - the fault was her own. Erica was right. She had been hiding herself.
"I'm sorry," she said, glancing up at her companion. "I haven't been very good company, have I?"
"The company has been just fine," he replied with a cheerful smile. "Don't worry about that. But your expression...I've seen a similar one on a friend of mine. He lost his wife at the battle at Onogoro. You...you lost someone too, didn't you?"
His perception startled her, and for a moment, Murrue didn't know what to say. The man nodded, understanding even though she hadn't said anything.
"It must be hard. To live without them, I mean. When my friend started to live his life again...he had the same expression on his face that you do now. Sadness, rememberance, worry that he was betraying her in some way - betraying her memory. Even though he knew that she'd want him to be happy...would want him to find someone else, it still hurt."
"It does hurt," she admitted, wandering a little way away to gaze at the horizon. "My friend said that I had to learn how to cope without him...but I'm not sure how to do that, or even if I can do it.."
"My friend said the same thing," was the quiet reply. "That he'd lived his life with her for so long he wasn't sure how to live without her. How long...were you and he together?"
Murrue smiled ruefully. "Three months, maybe? I never counted. Odd, isn't it? Such a short time..."
"If you loved him," said the man, sitting down on the cooling sand, "then what does it matter how long you were together?"
Her smile becoming genuine, she sat down beside him, locking her fingers around her knees.
"I am sorry," she murmured. "This probably wasn't what you'd been expecting..."
"Not exactly," he replied, voice holding a laugh, "but that's okay. Is it the first time you've been out like this since you lost him?"
At her nod, he also nodded. "What will you do?"
"I don't know," Murrue answered. "What did your friend do?"
"He still goes out, talks to people, lives his life...but he decided to wait for his wife. He understands that he'll always miss her, and that he probably won't find anyone else he could care about as much as her, but he knows that she wouldn't want him to grieve for the rest of his life."
A compromise. Maybe that's what Erica meant. She didn't mean 'go straight out there and find someone else', she meant that I should get out there and live.
Smiling, she closed her eyes and thought of him, his smile, his laugh...he wouldn't want her to be the way she had been - he would want her to smile.
"Will you smile for me?"
"Smile? Why?"
He grinned, leaning over the desk and kissing the crown of her hair. "'Cause I love you, that's why, and I love your smile. If you smile for me, then I can keep it here," he tapped his chest, "and when I think of it, it'll help me smile too.."
"Thank you," she said, looking up at her companion. He looked surprised, but smiled.
"For what?"
"For helping me understand," she clarified. "Now I know what my friend was trying to tell me. What...what's your name? I never asked."
The man grinned. "Joe."
Murrue smiled back. "Thank you, Joe." She held out her hand. "Friends?"
"Friends," he replied, taking the offered hand and shaking it. "Will I see you again, Maria?"
"Yes," she said definitely, getting to her feet. "Thanks again." Turning, she walked away across the sand, leaving her new friend sitting there with a smile.
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Back home, she sat outside in her garden, enjoying the night air and the scent of the night-blooming flowers she had planted. Beside the pond was the small grove of blooms she had created to remember her lost lover. Smiling again, she left her seat and knelt down beside the flowers, slender fingers caressing the petals. They were sleeping now, the buds tightly closed, but that didn't matter. The pale blue of the forget-me-nots, the purple of the heart's ease...and the sky blue of the cornflowers, the only flower she had seen that could come close to matching his eyes. Leaning down, she kissed the flowers, then leaned her elbows on the edge of the pond, gazing at her reflection.
The Murrue she saw in the mirrored surface of the water was a much happier Murrue than she had seen in the looking-glass that morning. Her face wore a smile...a true smile, not the fixed expression she had worn for so long. Because now she finally understood.
And there, in the water's reflection, she could see him beside her. Smiling just like she remembered, blue eyes full of love, kindness, the spark of childish enthusiasm she could always picture.
"I'll live my life," she told him. "Like Erica wants...like I know you want me to. You said that you loved me, loved my smile, so I'll smile for you. I'll live my life...learn to cope without you being here, but that doesn't mean I'll forget you. Because...I'll wait for you, okay? I'll wait till I see you again."
His smile grew, and she nodded, brushing away a tear.
"I'll wait for you," she repeated.
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( A bit more upbeat than I originally planned, but it's not too bad :smiles:
Please read and review! )