Disclaimer: I own nothing! I can't even claim my own head most times.
-Anchor-
Work was long, and grueling. So many faces drained of mirth, after a while they all started bleeding together. Honestly, I couldn't tell you which family member was which anymore, just blank canvases of saddness, all melting into portraits of disappointment. I failed them all, I know I did.
I feel like some sort of villian. Someone who smiles and promises relief, someone who receives trust, hugs and helps with finger paintings, then takes away the sun and ends the earth. Their tiny human, their little ray of sunlight, was gone forever.
All those months he fought so bravely. We laughed and played and sang. He even read me a story before his bedtime last week.
I had taken their one true love, I stole it and broke it when I had promised happiness.
What went wrong? I could've saved him! I could have...
No. I have to stop.
I sigh as I try to bring my mind back to itself. I can already feel myself start to shift. If only I had...
No. I can't do this now, especially not here.
My shift is done, and so am I. Trying to clear my mind of clouds, I can feel the storm approaching quickly. Rushing through the locker room, I thank the world for empty spaces. I really don't want to talk about it, nor do I wish their sympathy. This is a hell of my own making, and I won't be pulled out so soon. As I enter the shower I turn the knob as far as it will go, hoping to cleanse these blood stained hands.
I know I could have saved him. I know I could have...
The water hits almost as hard as guilt, as I lay my head against the tile. I close my eyes and look for refuge in this tiny stall, thankful it's all too willing to help hide my tears for a little while.
I will not break. I cannot break.
The walk home is silent, the snow as deep as my newfound sorrow.
If we had waited just a few more days maybe I could have...
My mind screams at me to stop, and for once, I long to yield. Thinking is starting to hurt my head.
Unlocking the door, I can't help but wonder, if I had waited, would I have been just postponing the inevitable?
I know I have to stop this.
I focus my head as best I can, before I push the door closed behind me. Turning the lock slowly in the darkness, I wish for silence. I think I've made enough noise in the world today.
Just. Keep. Breathing.
Dropping my bag to the floor, I creep towards the bedroom. The door is slightly ajar, and I am grateful. I do not wish to wake such beauty, lest her pleasant dreams be broken. I wonder if she looks for me, when darkness fills her mind. I know in my own nightmares I run to her, her love keeping the tiny coffins at bay.
I wonder grimly if it's in bad taste for me to attend the funeral? I don't know if I can stand to watch them cry because of what I failed to...
This will not be my only faulire.
I undress quickly in the dark, pulling on a pair of boxer shorts and one of her tank tops. I think perhaps I wear more of her clothes than she does, and she is usually too glad to point this out. But I don't really care, I need her against me always, even if it's just her scent lingering on my skin.
She smells of life and honey.
Walking to the bed, I sit on the side and try to regain some sort of composure. I scowl knowing it is not the first edge I've faced today.
Damn! Why couldn't I save him? I should've been able to...
Stop.
What if I can't? What if I kill them all?
Stop!
Turning, I bring my knees up to my chest and grasp at thoughts of calm.
I am fine. I. Am. Fine.
I know it's a futile attempt, but it'll have to do for now. Fighting this inward war takes too much energy, and I am starting to run low on self merit.
Sighing, I release my legs and stretch slightly, groaning as I feel muscles already start to ache. As I try and make myself more comfortable, I put my head into my hand, to study her as she sleeps. Before I close my eyes, before the monsters come, I wish her strength unto myself.
"Calliope." I whisper once. But I know it is enough.
"Arizona? What's wrong?" She sounds alarmed, and all at once I regret speaking.
I mentally scold myself for waking her, but it takes up too much time and I wonder just how long I've kept her waiting. Focusing back on her, she's now facing me, a single, perfect eyebrow raised in question.
She is beautiful.
"Umm, hey." I whisper. I'm thankful I still have a voice, but I don't think it can be heard. I clear my throat and try again.
"Yeah, it's me. I-I didn't mean to wake you, I'm sorry. Go back to sleep, Calliope."
Internally, I roll my eyes. Of course it's me, who else would it be? A smirk plays at her lips. Her voice is rough, taking it's time to wake up just as she is.
"Well, of course it's you, who else would be in our bed?"
My point exactly.
I will my mouth to tell her such, but all coherent thoughts vanish as she leans forward to fill my space. With her hand behind my head, she brings me to her. Although a captive, I am all too willing to comply. Her mouth tastes of moonlit dreams, and all my thoughts of lament die. As her lips part, they becken me inside, and I rush into such warmth. Her grip becomes tighter and I can feel her other hand softly moving along my jaw.
I need this. Oh, how I need this now. I've needed this since...
A flash of pain engulfs me, as regret starts to take me in.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
My tears fight to release themselves, and I feel them start to stain my cheeks. Even this moment of pleasure I somehow manage to misplace. She pulls back suddenly, her face full of confusion.
"Arizona?"
She sounds concerned, why wouldn't she? But I'm not sure I'm ready to confess these sins just yet.
I shake my head quickly, both to remove such thoughts, and to let her know I'm just not ready. She nods slightly and I bring her back to me. I feel her give in just a little bit, and that's all I need right now. Raising myself just enough, I move to cover her completely.
The hand that's not guiding my head, slides to my back, as she pulls me against her fully. As we part, we rest together, her forehead against my own. A small smile graces her lips briefly, as she gently wipes away each tear.
"We can talk in the morning."
It is not a question, she knows I can't hold out for long. But, I'm glad she'll at least let me have tonight.
Tomorrow, we can face this world together. I know she'll let me drain my heart of tears and if need be, help me glue myself back together.
And then, with time, maybe I can stop.
With one last whispered kiss to her lips, I lay my cheek upon her breast. As her arms come around me, I can feel the weight on my shoulders start to crack, and I am happy to be home. I know the coming dawn will not see the end of misery, and will more than likey have it's own to share, but I think I can be ready. Closing my eyes to this heavy world, I smile as I feel her heartbeat beneath me, my anchor to the joy.