Wow! That last chapter was painful! Sorry we all had to go through that. But now we get to some really funny stuff to cheer us all up. I hope you get as big a kick out of what is to come as I do…. As always, the usual disclaimer applies. Thanks for hanging in there all!
Sam and Jesse arrive with Michael's body in front of a rundown wooden home, they knock on the door and an irritated voice from inside shouts out. "Go away…"
Sam knocks harder until a man with flyaway and disheveled brown hair answers by looking through a hole cut in the door. " What? What?" He asked in a slightly tripped out voice.
"Are you the Miracle Man Seymour who worked for the Head of the Board all those years?" Sam asked.
"The head of the board's stinking Chief special operative fired me." He whined and pouted. "And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed!" He slams the little door that covers the hole in the main door. Sam continues to pound on the door and it opens again. "Beat it or I'll call the brute squad! '
Jesse replied promptly. "I'm on the brute squad."
"You are the brute squad!" Seymour stated looking at the very large man outside his door.
Sam stepped up again. "We need a miracle. It's very important."
"Look, I'm retired." Seymour tried to explain. "Besides, why would you want someone the head of the board's stinking Chief Spec Ops fired. I might kill whoever you want to make the miracle."
Sam shrugged. "He's already dead."
"He is, eh?" Seymour replied with a spark of interest. "I'll have a look. Bring him in. " Seymour opens up the door and the two men shuffle in with Michael's body. Seymour looks him over. "I've seen worse." He proclaimed completely absorbed.
"Sir...Sir." Sam interrupted Seymour, as he seemed totally lost in his examination.
Seymour looked up in confusion. "Huh?"
"We're in a terrible rush." Sam explained.
Seymour gave Sam a rather sour look. "Don't rush me sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money? '
"Sixty-five." Sam told him.
"Sheesh!" Seymour breathed out. "I never worked for so little; except once and that was a very noble cause."
"This is noble sir." Sam began explaining, getting creative. "His wife is...crippled...children on the brink of starvation..."
"Are you a rotten liar." Seymour said to Sam, seeing right through his story.
Sam decided to go with the truth. "I need him to help avenge my father, murdered this twenty years."
"Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cramp. He probably owes you money, huh. Well, I'll ask him." Seymour stated, puttering around the main room of the house.
Sam looked at him like he had lost his mind "He's dead. He can't talk."
"Ooooohhh! Look who knows so much, eh!" Seymour taunted. "It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth." He said to Sam and Jesse as he inserted the bellows cramp into Michael's mouth and began pumping in air. "Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do."
"What's that?" Sam asked.
"Go through his clothes and look for loose change." Seymour finishes pumping air into Michael and leaning down close to his head yells at him. " Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? Whatcha got here, that's worth living for?" He then pushes down on Michael's chest.
So quietly that the words could barely be heard a response wheezed out of Michale. "True...love..."
"True love!" Sam proclaimed excitedly. "You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that."
Seymour looked at Sam like he had lost his mind. "Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world; except for a nice MLT - Mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich - when the Mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato's ripe. They're so perky. Or a nice mango smootie with no wheat grass. I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, 'to blaithe.' And as we all know, to blaithe means to bluff. So, you were probably playing cards and he cheated..."
Suddently a muscular long haired man burst from a back room and interrupted Seymour. "Liar! Liar! Liarrrrrrr!"
"Get back, witch!" Seymour yelled at him.
The long haired man yelled back. "I'm not a bodyguard, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore."
"You never had it so good." Seymour replied as he smiled at Sam.
The bodyguard spoke up again. "True love, who said true love, Seymour? '
"Don't say another word, Jackass..." Seymour warned as Sam and Jesse looked on at the exchange in disbelief.
"You're afraid." Jackass accused Seymour. "Ever since Chief Special Operative fired him, his confidence has shattered." Jackass explained to Sam and Jesse.
Seymour yelled at Jackass. "Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!"
'What, Larry?" Jackass asked with fake innocence.
Seymour cringed. "Ahh!"
"Larry!" Jackass said again.
"Ahh!" Seymour yelled again as Jackass begins chasing him around the room yelling and Seymour covers his ears.
"Larry!"
"Ahh!"
"Larry!"
"Ahh!"
Jackass continues in a singsongy voice. "Larry... Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry!
"I'm not listening!" Seymour replied back.
"True love, life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!" Jackass accused.
Seymour still has his ears covered. "Nobody's hearing nothing!"
"Larry!" Jackass continues to yell.
Sam has finally had enough and interrupts. "This is Fiona's true love. If you heal him, he will stop Larry's contract signing!"
"Shut up!" Seymour said to Jackass.
Sam let out a sigh. "Thank you. Thank you."
"Wait, wait." Seymour said to Sam. "I make him better, Larry suffers?"
"Humiliations galore!" Sam replied with a broad smile.
Seymour barked out a laugh. Ha ha!" He danced across the room sinsonging in what sounded something like. 'I'm gonna lick the dalmation.' But was most likely Yiddish. "That is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five! I'm on the job!"
"Woo hoo!" Jackass cheered.
Seymour and Jackass start creating a pill that looks more like a chocolate covered peanut butter ball than anything else, while Sam and Jesse look on.
"That's a miracle pill?" Sam asked, not quite sure that the crazy couple making the "pill" were not full of it.
Jackass gave him a beautific smile and replied. "The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But, you have to wait fifteen minutes before potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least..." He looked over at Seymour.
"An hour!" Stated Seymour.
Jackass nodded in agreement. "An hour."
"...A good hour...Here." He hands Sam the pill after dropping it into a little bag.
"Thank you for everything." Sam says to them both as he and Jesse head towards the door.
"Okay!" Seymour replied ushering them out the door.
Jackass waved at them as they walked away. "Bye bye, boys!" He called after them.
"Have fun storming the fortress!" Seymour shouted as well.
Jackass turned to Seymour. "Think it will work?"
"It would take a miracle." Seymour replied.
They both pasted on big fake smiles and waved even more rabidly after Sam and Jesse. " B-bye!"
To be continued…