A year ago he was convinced that he couldn't care more about anyone than he cared about Mika and even with her he felt as though it was less than what it could have been. They were connected in a way, and he cared for her as much as he could have remembered ever caring for someone but he knew that she was more emotionally invested in the relationship than he was. In his mind all he had to do was to keep her safe and show affection from time to time. He was still very secretive and reserved but Mika seemed to understand and didn't push him. He would disappear at times without warning, at the drop of a hat he would shut off the main switch and patrol the house with his weapons and he was just antisocial and untrusting; they never went out and when Mika did he would over trail her. Part of him knew she needed more but he couldn't give it to her. If he was honest he could but he just wasn't willing to open up completely. He wouldn't allow himself to fully care just so he could be hurt again. It just seemed that this time around he didn't have any choice in the matter.
For the first few weeks since they had been back home Raizo didn't remember blinking much less sleeping. Feeling protective wasn't new to him but what was, were all the added emotions that came with it. He had this unquenchable need to be near the baby, to see and hear her; afraid almost that someone would hurt her or whisk her away. He didn't trust his ability to provide for her and keep her safe. Mika's work friends would come to see her and unlike before he didn't leave them to their own devices rather he would drift around the room trying to intimidate them into leaving. More often than not it worked. Even Mika he found having distrusting and jealous feeling towards because of how much closer there bond seemed to be. For the first time he had something that was his, truly and undoubtedly his. She was a part of him, he was a part of her and surprisingly it didn't hold any of the negative connotations he recalled it having from when he was still a member of the clan. He finally understood the possessiveness his 'father' used have in his voice when said those words. He was glad however that all these new things he was feeling seemed born of warmth. He had once thought that his life's purpose was to take down the nine clans, that that would make him happy and complete. But now his goal much too far from being finished, his Journey on hold and his resolve waning, he had never felt more complete.
He wasn't sure what time it was; lately it had ceased to be measured in minutes but rather intuition. He did know however that in a few minutes the baby would be awake. He was already crib side waiting for her eyes to open. There were always a few seconds after her eyes opened before she would start to cry. He always tried to comfort her before she started wailing because that would wake Mika who would take over and his time with her would be cut short. When he picked her up it felt so natural. He became an extension to him and he handled her as comfortably as if it were one of his weapons. She squirmed slightly before settling into his arms. She had grown so much and still seemed so impossibly small and fragile.
"Shh, it's okay neko. Don't cry daddy's here."
He tested the formula several times before deeming it okay for her to drink. He hated giving her formula but after the injury Mika had sustained when they had first met just lactating was painful for her and rather than try to prolong it, she had started bottling feeding after the first week and . Koneko didn't seem to notice the difference; she was a very fussy child. But then again with a father as attentive as hers she never had a chance to be. He sat in the rocking chair next to her crib waiting on her to finish. Several times she would stop suckling and look at him with something akin to a smile and he would return it. It took a lot of patience to feed her; most times she would rather play and all this before she could even support her own head. All she could do was smile and make small noises but it was obvious what she was at least trying to do. Raizo thought that she was too small and always thought she needed to eat more but there wasn't much he could do about it. The bottle was less by two ounces and he frowned. Surely at five weeks she should be eating more. He put her over his shoulder and started rubbing her back.
"Neko, you need to eat more, and grow quickly. You're too tiny. You scare me sometimes how tiny you are. I feel like I could hurt badly on accident. Sometimes I still hurt mommy on accident, squeeze her hand too tightly… touch her too roughly. And she is so much bigger and stronger than you. I feel like I need to hold you tighter so no one can ever take you away and I know I can't. It would kill me if I hurt you and I've been hurting people all my life. But if you ever looked at me with fear like everyone else has I'd be lost. Neko, Neko, Neko…daddy's little kitten. So sweet and innocent, everything I never had myself. "
They seemed like unnecessary words, spoken to one too young to understand that they even meant something. But it was important to him. He needed it to explain the rush of feelings she made bubble in his chest. It was easier to give a definition than for him to say the word, at least right now when it still seemed too good to be true; the peace after a lifetime of fighting.
Sometime as he spoke she had fallen asleep. He held her still. Repeating everything he had said in Japanese. The foreign language expressing more passionately what he said in English.
Before he put her back in the crib he changed her diaper and wiped her face where milk had settled when she pulled off of the nipple.
He knew he could go back to bed now and not have to worry about her until morning but he couldn't bring himself to leave just yet. Most likely he would stay until Mika awoke and then depending on how he felt after patrolling the house and the yard he would try to close his eyes, though he couldn't promise sleep.
Every day with Koneko was a new little adventure. Raizo could pick up little developments that the other's couldn't and despite wishing that she grew faster he found himself amazed at how much she changed on a daily basis. Every day she became more able, more animated. Smiles turned to laughter and enthusiastic unintelligible sounds. Small movements became wilder and frantic. She was his light. What shocked him was that Mika was right; she was growing to resemble him more than her to which he grudgingly accepted her gloating on the merits of mother's intuition vs. ninja skills, though secretly he was pleased to see something of himself in her features.
The day she started making the 'da-da' noises he couldn't stop smiling for the life of him. He knew that it just a sound and not really her calling him but he allowed himself to indulge in that belief. And when it was the only sound she would make, her way of addressing everything, he still couldn't help from smiling every time he heard it. He also had to stifle a laugh each time Mika tried to teach her to say 'ma-ma'. One day after trying and failing to do just that Mika had sat back and declared that she was a 'Daddy's Girl'. Raizo wasn't familiar with the term but it soon became one of his favorite.