I was fourteen when I stopped taking the pills. I can still remember the day I decided to throw it out instead of swallow it, like I had been doing since I was eleven. I was standing at the counter, the pill in hand; a glass of water was poured and waiting. I was staring at the tiny little caplet in my open palm, trying to figure out what was in it. We'd been studying the make-up of medications recently in one of my classes, and I was trying to figure out what was in this pill that gave it the effect that it did. The fact that when I took it, almost immediately I was submerged into an almost immediate calmness…no not that wasn't the word…. it wasn't calmness…though that was probably what I had thought it was then…I knew now that we were all but drained completely of emotions. They told us that the pills were solely for The Stirrings, pleasurable feelings and urges that sometimes manifest themselves in dreams, but I knew that there was more to it. Even then at fourteen I had learned to question everything, I think I get it from Father, he's always been critical, of the Elders, of his Attendant, especially of his family unit. I had watched him my whole life, fascinated by him and by his selection, which was always shrouded in mystery, and I knew that he was bitter with me and with my sister and his spouse and everyone he came into contact with. He was bitter and frustrated and had given up on us. Then, I had no clue why he disliked me so much, now I knew, he was angry that we didn't feel. Not like how he did, our feelings were shallow, mild variations of the empty content-ness that the pills force you into. We become barely human on those pills, but we don't know any different, when you're on that pill you don't even care that you've become less than human.
That's what the pill was. It didn't just rob you of your stirrings; it robbed you of everything, so that all that was left was this odd sense of complacent ness. I hadn't quite figured that out at fourteen, but I knew that something wasn't right, something about this tiny pill had thrown me into something that I wasn't. And so I stood there at that counter staring at the pill, trying to figure out its inner workings, and suddenly a thought came to me. What if I simply don't take it?
The thought is ridiculous of course, it's clearly against the law not to take the pill once you start, and yet…how would they know? I could be sneaky about it.
"You can stare at the pill all day Cael" My father's voice makes me jump a little "But it's not going do anything unless you take it."
"I know" I had replied, watching my father open a cabinet and pull out the bottle. He unscrews the cap and gets a pill out. "I was just wondering what's in this pill that gives it its desired effect."
"Of course you are" my father retorts, I can't help but note the sarcastic tone he uses. As if he's mocking me "Cael always wants to know how things work. They chose well for you when they chose Doctor."
I can't tell if this is an insult or a compliment, so I don't say anything. I pretend to turn my attention back to the pill. Instead however I'm really watching father. He takes my cup of water, sips from it, and puts his hand to his mouth, swallows, and then leans over the garbage disposal. If I hadn't been looking for it, I wouldn't have seen it fall into the disposal from his hand.
My father didn't take the pill.
He turns back to me "But seriously son, take that pill, or your mother's going to have a heart attack."
"That's impossible father." I point out "My own independent choices do not affect mother's health."
My father rolls his eyes at me "Thanks Cael" he says "I didn't already know that."
"Your welcome"
My father makes this weird noise that he sometimes does and ambles away out of the room. Once I'm sure he can't see me, I copy his motions.
It was a spur of the moment thing; I put my hand to my mouth, pretended to swallow my pill, then turned and tossed it into the garbage disposal. As I'm putting the bottle away my mother comes in, holding my sister's jacket in hand. My sister, Rosemary, is following closely behind.
"Did you take your pill Cael?" my mother asks me. She's a nervous woman, even on the pill; she still reminds me every morning to take my pill even though I've been doing it faithfully for the past three years.
"Yes mother" I say, putting the bottle back in the cabinet.
It's the first time I ever speak a lie.
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"Cael! Cael is that you?" I grin at the sound of my sister's voice and immediately break on my bike, waiting for her.
Rosemary and I have always been close. Most brother and sisters are when they are living together, but once the older moves out of the dwelling they tend to drift apart. With no real emotions to bond people together, people tend to forget relationships easily. By the time a person got to be my age they may have forgotten all about their sibling and parental unit. The only time they would really see each other would be at public meetings. But not Rosemary and I, our bonds with each other have grown stronger with the years, progressed instead of regressed. I couldn't explain to anyone what drove me and Rosemary to continue our sibling relationship when most others had crumbled away; there had always just been an innate pull to each other that we had always felt. From the moment I had first seen her, when they had handed her to my mother at the Ceremony of One and the speaker had called out "Number Thirty-One, Rosemary", my sister had probably been the most important person in my life.
The girl catches up to me, braking her own bike beside me. She had been an eight then when I had moved out, still a young girl, with a gap in her big wide smile and a mischievous look in her surprisingly pale eyes. She's older now, a ten, and not as childish as I remember. Her light hair now has the adult short haircut that all girls get when they become a ten and she's no longer wearing jackets. There is something else to…. something about her odd eyes….I can't name it though.
"Hello Rose" I greet "Did you just get out of school or something?"
Rosemary nods "Uh-huh, me and Alonzo are heading to the House of the Old to do some Volunteer hours."
"Really? I'm heading to the House of the Old myself." I say "Why don't we go together?"
"Sure" Rosemary grins "But why are you going to the House of the Old? Are you a doctor for the elderly now?"
I laugh "No, I'm still a Pediatrician, I'm actually going to visit Father."
"Oh, that makes more sense" Rosemary laughs, "Hold on let me get Alonzo" she turns around and shouts the boy's name. Alonzo and Rosemary were one number apart and they couldn't be closer as far as friends go. They had been doing everything together since they were toddlers. I look back at the boy pedaling up to us, eyeing me with curiosity. While I've done pretty well with keeping up with my sister, I haven't seen Alonzo since he was a Five. The boy has definitely grown since then; he was extremely tall for his age. He gives me a pleasant smile when he reaches us.
"Hello Cael" he says, reading my identification badge. The one that reads "Cael, Medical Assistant, Pediatrics." His own identification badge reads "Alonzo, Number 30-10", the same style that all students wore. Rosemary had one as well, though I notice (with satisfaction) that it's crooked, and I had had one, during my school days.
"Hello Alonzo" I say politely. Rosemary turns to him excitedly "Cael's going to ride with us to the House of the Old."
"Alright" Alonzo replies, though he looks a little confused still. Obviously he thinks it's strange for Rosemary and I to still be associating as brother and sister. He doesn't say anything however; to do so might be considered rude, because it would be pointing out something about us that was different. Though not against any rule, being rude was something one simply didn't try to be. So Alonzo keeps his mouth shut and rides along side Rosemary and I to the House of the Old.
"So Cael" Rosemary says, "How's that Birthmother that you care for?"
"She's doing good," I tell her "She'll be induced in a month or two".
"That's good" is Rosemary's reply "That poor girl must be so bored, forced to lie around in a bed all day."
"But it's for her own good" Alonzo points out. Rosemary rolls her eyes "I know that Al" she says "But that doesn't mean she won't be bored."
I chuckle; Rosemary hasn't changed at all since our childhood days. She's always been like me, interested in the emotional inner workings of a person, and not so much about their physiological needs. Instead of just accepting that something was a rule, she wanted to know why it was a rule. I can remember when she had been a seven; I was just about to move out of the dwelling into the Medical Dormitories. Our family unit was sitting around the table, eating and exchanging pleasantries when suddenly Rosemary, who had been quiet the whole time, suddenly asked "Why is it against the rules to see someone naked?"
The silence that had come afterward had been sort of awkward. My mother dropped her fork and it made a clanking noise against the plate. My father looked up from his plate and gave Rosemary this look, a look he was always giving her. Like he was studying her, trying to figure her out.
"Because it's extremely rude" my mother replies with at last. She works in Law and Justice, and therefore is well versed in the rules. "Eat your carrots Rosemary"
"I hate carrots" Rosemary grumbles "but mother, why is it rude?"
My mother gives a dramatic sigh "Gowyr" she says, looking over at my father.
My father chuckles "It's rude because it makes the other person feel uncomfortable Little Rose" he says, calling my sister by his nickname for her. I never got one, but that was fine, I think nicknames are embarrassing.
Rosemary makes a face "It didn't feel uncomfortable to me" she says. My mother lets out a little eep and drops her fork again.
"You all right Cordelia?" my father asks her.
"I'm fine" she says waving her hand dismissively "Rosemary what do you mean you weren't uncomfortable?"
"Did someone see you naked?" I add. Rosemary nods.
"We were changing out of our swim clothes today after our swim lessons, and I wasn't paying attention and Alonzo and I saw each other without our shirts on."
"Oh no" my mother gasps, but Rosemary only shrugs.
"It's wasn't that bad. I felt fine, we said the standard apology to each other so we didn't really break a rule, but I wasn't uncomfortable. I felt fine actually."
"I never felt uncomfortable either" I admit to her. She looks over at me curiously.
"You saw someone naked?"
"Sure did" I say grinning "I was an eleven and we were changing out of recreational clothes into our tunics and trousers and the same thing happened to me, I was careless and she was careless and we saw each other. I think it was sort of embarrassing for her though, she could hardly say the apology."
"That was awful" my mother groans "You may not have been embarrassed, but I sure was, her mother sent me a letter telling me about the situation."
"And your mother called me frantic" father adds with a chuckle.
"Who was the girl?" Rosemary asks. I shrug.
"I forget, she was an eleven too but we weren't friends or anything."
"Maybe that's why she was uncomfortable," Rosemary says, "Because you didn't really know her. Alonzo and I are best friends, so it wasn't that bad for us."
"Your intuitive for a seven year old" my father observes. My mother on the other hand is glaring at all of us.
"Honestly" she humphs "Do none of you care that this conversation is probably breaking rules?"
None of us really did, but we listened to mother, we changed the subject.
But it probably wasn't to long before Rosemary popped up with another question about why a rule was a rule and got us started all over again.
"She should be grateful that the doctors know how to handle the situation" Alonzo says, making a face "Hey Rose, did you know that the woman who used to be my sister is a Birthmother?"
"I remember her assignment" Rosemary says nodding "Chloe right?"
"Yeah, I hope she finishes up soon and they transfer her to another assignment. I want to be able to her at Ceremonies and such again."
I brake my bike "Chloe's your sister?" I ask, looking at the boy.
Rosemary and Alonzo both stop their own bikes and look back at me. "She was my sister" Alonzo corrects "She's moved out of the dwelling now. Has been for what…four years now?"
"Five" Rosemary corrects. Alonzo nods.
"Right five."
I stare at the boy more critically. He looks nothing like Chloe really, Chloe was really short and curvy and this boy is tall and slender, kind of like myself, their hair was even different shades. But it would make sense for them to look different, they didn't share any biological material, siblings never do. Rosemary and I are as different looking as two individuals can get, but there was something about us that marked us as brother and sister, something that was still there after all this time. Perhaps it was because we were so different from everyone else. I didn't take my pill anymore, so I felt things, she…. well she had always been different; it may have to do with her pale eyes. My father has the same eyes and he's just as different. We had similar personalities, though she was more social than I ever was, and we are both always asking "why?".
Chloe was different too, you could see it, she felt things too, she cares more about the well being of her products than anything else, and she had formed emotional bonds with her friends that others couldn't form.
But Alonzo lacked this quality. I could tell just by looking at him, he wasn't different at all, he didn't feel things like Rosemary and I and Chloe and that other birthmother, Anna felt things. He probably wasn't on the pill yet; boys didn't start that till they were eleven or twelve. But it didn't matter, he was already well bred in the emotionless life that we were expected to live. His eyes were blank, his smile, even his laugh, was empty.
I hate that, this boy that was so close to my sister, and he couldn't even feel the bonds that such friends are supposed to feel. I bet once they receive their assignments at the Ceremony of Twelve they would drift apart, and given time, Alonzo would forget all about Rosemary. Just as my childhood friends, Josh and Owen had forgotten all about me. I sigh, frustrated. I find myself feeling that way often now, frustrated that things are the way they are, frustrated with my father for his bitter behavior, frustrated with Mekhi for not caring more about Chloe, it was tiresome.
"I know your sister" I tell Alonzo.
"You do?"
"Yes, she's the birthmother that I'm watching."
Alonzo's eyes widen slightly. "Really?" he says, "Is she going to be alright?"
"She should be fine" I tell him reassuringly "They have her on special medications and she's being watched by the best doctors in the community."
"The best?" Alonzo cocked his head to the side "But why? She's just a birthmother."
"Alonzo you should be happy!" Rosemary cries out in surprise "She's your sister!"
"Was my sister" he corrected "But it's true. She's just a birthmother, they have a lot of them don't they? Why does she need all the special attention?"
Because she's a special insemination. I want to say, to explain to him and my sister how it all worked. Because we need possible Receiver Candidates, so they inseminate girls with the right genes, give them semen with the right genes, so that they can produce pale-eyed new children, and we can't afford to lose a pale-eyed new child. But I know it's against the rules to tell them that, we've been carefully instructed in how to lie to them if this question should ever come up. "It's the products we want" that's not really a lie, that is what everyone's concerned with down at the Birthing Unit "but they aren't ready to come out yet, they still need to be incubated for a while, to finish maturing, so we have to make sure she's alright."
This makes sense to Alonzo, he nods, satisfied with my answer. Rosemary huffs.
"Shame on both of you!" she says, annoyed "Reducing a human being to an incubator! Chloe's a female, not a machine!" She tilts her nose upward, something I've noticed she does when she's been offended "I'm not talking to either of you the rest of the trip!" and she pedals on ahead of us.
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Alethea is looking for something when I enter the Annex, she's shuffling papers around and muttering angrily to herself. "You stupid woman" she's grumbling "He gave you one simple direction, hold this for me till I get the chance to take it to the Elders, and you lost it."
"Hello Alethea" I greet, suppressing my amusement. The woman looks up, surprised.
"Hello Cael" she says, returning my smile "Is he expecting you?"
"He should" I say "We've been having midday meals together every Wednesday for a month now."
Alethea looks confused "Oh yes, I forgot" she says quickly "Here let me inform him you're here." She looks around the messy desk and sighs, "If I could find the buzzer."
Poor woman, her mind is starting to fail her. They must be scrambling to find her a replacement. With a chuckle I reach forward, wipe a few papers away and push the button by her monitor. I hear a buzz "Hello Father?"
There is a short silence on the other end, and then I hear my father "Cael?"
"Your assumption is correct" I say, "I'm waiting outside."
"Alright, I'm coming. Alethea I want those papers."
I see a sick look cross over the elderly assistant's face. "Yes sir" she says. I click off the speaker. "What are you looking for?" I ask her.
"Yearly reports and procedural advice." She says "I have to fill them out every year, but the council rarely looks at them. But I guess they have summoned for them so Gowyr gave them to me to keep track of, but I've lost them again." She sighs, "I'm to old for this job Cael."
"Why don't you request to be put in the House of the Old? Your almost seventy now right?"
"I don't know" she admits, "I've lived long enough to see two Receivers. I was attendant when Gowyr was selected." She pushes a few papers away and sighs "There it is" she mutters grabbing a packet of stapled papers.
"Why haven't they got another attendant yet?" I ask.
Alethea laughs, "They've forgotten. Like the Receiver, there is only one attendant to the Receiver. I didn't get a dormitory; I don't get a section at the Ceremony, I kind of slip under everyone's notice. So they have just forgotten that I'm getting to old to do this. I asked Gowyr to remind them. I'm hoping they will pick someone at the Ceremony." She frowns "But that's so far away. I hope I can keep it up until then."
"Is it a hard job?" I ask her. Alethea thinks for a moment, and then shakes her head.
"Not really, I mean it's better than Laborer, but it's not like being a doctor or an engineer." She begins to restack some papers. "Basically Gowyr dictates to me, and I write down what he says, I access records for him to look at, plan his schedules, deliver messages to him, it seems like a lot of work, but to be honest it can get boring sometimes. Days will go by and I'll do nothing."
"And the training was easy?"
Alethea nods "Only took me a year to learn everything. And it only took me that long because they insisted I stay in school while I was learning. If I could get someone that could dedicate a whole day to training, I could probably teach them in five months, tops."
"A whole day huh?"
Alethea nods "Of course they won't let that happen, new Twelves have to go to school, and continue to go to school until they are fourteen at least." She pauses "Unless they are a birthmother. With them it's the earlier the better I think. My friend Gertrude, she was assigned birthmother our Ceremony of Twelve, she's wasn't surprised I think, she had never been good at school, anyway, she dropped out of school when she was thirteen. I saw her later on though, after she finished with her productions, she was reassigned landscaping crew, so I would see her a lot in the central plaza. She was a sweet girl Gertrude."
She was rambling again. I forgot Alethea does that. "Is she in the house of the Old yet?" I ask the old woman. Alethea nods.
"Yes, she told me she applied and they accepted her, that was about three years ago though."
"It's your turn then Alethea, you said it yourself, you're to old for this."
"I know but-
The door cuts her off, my father emerges. Looking as displeased by everything as ever. He does smile though, when he sees me, though it's a bitter smile. My father was proud of me, my assignment was an extremely prestigious one, and he enjoyed me, we had a similar sense of humor, but I still felt like I was missing something from my father. Something that really kept me from being a son to him, that I was nothing more than a male that had lived in his dwelling for fourteen years, and then left.
For a while he had treated Rosemary the same way, that she wasn't his daughter, just a girl. Ever since she was a seven though, he'd treated her differently, kinder, didn't get as frustrated with her as he did with me, wasn't as guarded in his conversations. And he looked at her strangely, his stern face would get softer, and he would smile. An emotion I couldn't name was there in his face; he felt something for the girl that he didn't feel for me, or anyone else.
"Hello father" I greet, beside me Alethea struggles to her feet. She has too, every time the Receiver entered. It's getting harder for her though.
Gowyr looks at her "Hello Cael" he greets "Alethea, what have I told you? No need for you to stand, not at your age."
"Right" she settles back into her seat, and hands my father the stapled papers "Here you are sir"
"Thank-you Alethea." His voice is gentle when he speaks to her, gentle and almost affectionate. "Come on Cael" I have to drop these off to the Council, and then we can go to the Central Plaza for a walk."
"Okay" I begin to follow him out the door "Bye Alethea"
The old woman smiles and waves at us "Goodbye Gowyr, Goodbye Cael" she calls out in her shaky old voice.
I look at her one more time, she's right; she is to old for this job. I remember what she told me They've forgotten me. I kind of slip under everyone's notice. I'm hoping they will pick someone at the Ceremony, But that's so far away. I hope I can keep it up until then. If I could get someone that could dedicate a whole day to training, I could probably teach them in five months, tops.
An idea starts to form in mind then, a way I can help Alethea and someone else as well. But I don't have the time to dwell on it…. not yet at least.
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I just wanted to take a moment to give a shout out to a fellow Giver Fanfiction author ChuckyDoll. Her fan fictions are amazing and one of them, Dissenters and Decedents inspired me to finally write this story. She's also been pretty supportive of my stories, and puts up with my horrible spelling and grammar abilities. Everyone should go and read her stories, seriously, they are all awesome!