Chapter Six

A few days had passed. Dr. Baker had to visit a family that lived quite far from town. There were seven children in the family with another on the way. He enjoyed his regular trip to see the folks that don't come to town often, mostly because the travel gave him time to think. He set out early so he would have time to stop by the Ingalls place on his way.

He smiled to see the girls spot him coming down the road, waving and then running to announce his arrival. They never failed to be excited to see him coming, even if he forgot to bring candy. As he pulled into the yard, Caroline came out to greet him. She looked glad that he came. Days had turned into a week since he last spoke to Eva Beadle in his office. He imagined her fragile state of mind made him tread lightly in his care plan for her, but deep inside he couldn't bring himself to intrude. Her pain unsettled him. He never had that reaction to any other patient.

"Good morning, Ingalls family!" he shouted as he hopped out of his buggy. The girls ran to return the greeting. "I know it is mighty early but do you suppose your ma would mind if I doled out the sweets right off?"

"Please, Ma?" they begged in unison.

"I should say no, but… go ahead." She laughed as he handed them each their own small bag of candy. Laura let out a squeal.

"Jelly beans!"

"Enjoy. I would really like to speak to your ma. Would you girls take your candy inside so we can talk?"

"Yes, sir. Thank you!" they answered as they obediently went inside.

"Have you been able to see her?" he asked once they were alone.

"Yes," Caroline replied softly. "I called on her three times, as a matter of fact. She is eating better. I remembered that I used to make dozens and dozens of these soda biscuits when I had to deal with the morning sickness. It seemed to do the trick."

"That is a huge relief," the doctor sighed. Caroline drew closer to the buggy.

"Dr. Baker, we don't talk very much. If we do, it is never about her. I've tried to bring up her condition but she shuts me out. She won't accept any kind of compliment or kindness. I made the mistake of bringing some of the girls' newborn dressing yesterday and she wouldn't look at it or touch it. I don't know, I hoped it would force the issue, I guess. It was a disaster. She stopped talking and stared out the window for almost a half hour. I finally left without her saying a single word to me that whole time."

"Time might be the only medicine for her kind of pain. Believe me, if they made a medicine for it, I would never let my supply run out. She will talk about the future in good time, but… the past. There is a big question we need answered; who did this to her? I need her to say his name. He needs to be punished so she can understand that he is the bad guy, not her." Caroline rubbed her forehead as she pondered how to make that happen.

"I need to see her," he continued. "She needs to be checked. She needs the care and attention any woman that is expecting would require."

"I agree," Caroline nodded. "Go to her. She needs you."

"I will," he answered. "Mrs. Ingalls… I… I want… I don't know how to express this. Please try to understand. Her pain has been my pain for the last week. I confess that I cannot help but try to figure out who did this, and I'm coming up with names. Well, one name."

"Me, too. And she won't talk about him either."

Dr. Baker squeezed the leather reigns as he thought about Mr. Thurlow. He was reputed to be in love with her. She won't discuss him. He felt anger rising in his throat. He was almost afraid to speak.

"I don't know what to do… if I ever wanted to make pain and sufferings go away more than now I can't recall when it was. I can't understand why I feel such a need to make this better for her. But how? What can I do? Why am I so helpless when she needs me so much?"

"Dr. Baker, you can't beat yourself up! That doesn't do any good. We will get some answers and maybe you'll be able to see your role more clearly." Caroline reached for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You're a good man. She will figure out that she can't handle this alone. And we can't give up on her. Never."

He nodded sadly and then tipped his hat as he climbed back into his buggy. He couldn't express that his sense of failure wasn't as a doctor but as a friend and a man. Or that this tragic circumstance has stirred something toward Eva Beadle he didn't know existed. He urged his horse forward and waved goodbye. He spent the rest of the trip struggling to figure out how he was going to do more than see Eva Beadle through this nightmare. He was going to figure out how to strike the nightmare down.

The next day Eva sat at the window and watched the familiar black buggy draw up to the door of the boarding house. Doctor Baker climbed out and walked to the door. She braced herself for another emotionally tense day. After a few minutes, she heard footsteps up the stairs and stopping at her door. She turned the doorknob and let him in without a word. He entered and waited for her to sit down. Instead she crossed the room to her place near the window.

"You look well," Dr. Baker said, to break the silence.

"Do I?" she answered wryly.

"I heard that you've been able to eat. That is a huge relief to me." She turned back to window without responding. Why was he here? Why can't everyone just leave her alone?

"Would you please sit down so we can talk?" he asked as directly as he could without sounding angry.

"I don't like when we talk, Dr. Baker."

"Nevertheless... look, this happened to you! It happened to you. It wasn't your fault, you didn't ask for it, but it happened. Ignoring facts isn't going to make it go away. And it doesn't have to destroy your life."

"I don't have control in my life anymore."

"Take control."

"How?" she scoffed. It was hopeless.

"Tell me the name of the man who did this."

"I…I can't," she stammered. "Please don't make me do that."

"Why can't you? Did he threaten you? So what? What can he do to you now? If he wanted to wreck you, he did a pretty good job of it. You want control? Say his name. You didn't let him do this to you, Eva, but you sure are letting him have full reign in your nightmares."

"Stop it!" she screamed, wrapping her arms around her head.

"You have nightmares, don't you? You can't sleep because this person you protect during the day comes at night to terrorize you, to rob you of sleep and quality of this life. That's where you have the choice; you can protect him and let this cycle of nightmares take away all your hope or tell us who he is so he can pay and know without a doubt that you are not his to hurt ever, ever again." Dr. Baker paused to wipe the sweat from his face. He knew he sounded harsh and angry, but she needed someone to awake her up. "I can't promise that the nightmares will go away for good if you tell me his name, but I can sure as hell promise you that they won't if you do nothing!"

"Why are you yelling at me?"

"Because I am here, staring at this beautiful person of incredible worth and she has given up! Do this one thing for yourself. I can help you heal in many ways, but I can't help you do this. You must do it… if you ever hope to have a normal life."

"There will never be a normal life! I can't teach. I can barely stand to be in public anymore." She didn't think she had more tears to shed, but she was wrong. She hid her face against the window as hot tears ran down her face.

Dr. Baker slowly walked toward her and made one last plea.

"Eva," he said in lower, gentler tones. "I can't imagine everything you are feeling right now. But I know how it will end. You will shut out people that love you, you won't want to go and do the things you used to do, and you'll probably move away thinking that you're leaving all your problems behind. It won't work, it will follow you everywhere you go. You'll be an angry hurt person. What you probably don't realize is that people like that are all around. The longer they let the pain fester instead of dealing with it, the harder it will be in the end to be happy." He wasn't sure she even heard him. He reached out and touched her shoulder. She flew around and struck at him.

"Don't! Can't you understand? Can't you and your nurse," she spat out the last word. "Understand that I can't stand to have you look at me, never mind touch me. She brings baby dresses to try and put pretty bows on the fact that I'm carrying a bastard child, conceived in evil and violence. And you speak of healing! How do you heal death? I feel nothing! Nothing for this… thing!... inside me, nothing for the hurting people you insists are all around...all around… me. Oh!" Something in her mind stopped her short.

"What?" He asked, confused. "What is it?"

"Oh, my goodness … of course." She mumbled. She stared across the room as if he weren't there. She quickly moved toward a closet and removed a coat and hat. She ran out the door, leaving him standing in her room. He wanted to follow her but she was gone before he could figure out where she went. He returned to his buggy and turned it for home. He said a lot of things to her, none of which helped, and none of which expressed the feelings in his heart.