Chapter Eleven

By midnight, the Miller house was quiet. Ian reluctantly left Elizabeth to return home as everyone admitted that the day's events had finally caught up. They said good night to the doctor who sat by his patient with no intention of leaving. He wanted to be there when she awoke. He wanted to tell her about Benjamin. He wanted to tell her everything.

He took her hand in his once again, thinking in wonderment of all that happened. Elizabeth and her mother were humbly overjoyed with the news they brought back from the Stevins. Mr. Miller positively revived at the sight of his daughter, the picture of wholeness and peace, in the arms of Ian McLeod. Happy endings were in abundance. He only hoped for one more.

He prayed that the Benjamin's death would at the very least give her respite from her fear, but he knew it was a large thing to ask of someone whose spirit was shattered into a million pieces. He prayed that Eva could believe that she deserved the happiness that Elizabeth was able to find again. It would take a lot of convincing. Eva had an extra burden to bear that no one else but he knew.

He felt her hand squeeze his. She was moving and trying to speak, but he saw that she was not yet awake. He was witnessing one of the nightmares that came to her every night. It was like she was running and screaming. She finally called out and then opened her eyes. She was panting as she scanned the room. She tried to sit up, but was instantly overwhelmed by pain.

"Eva," Dr. Baker whispered. "It's alright… It's only me. You're safe."

"Where..?" she asked. Her throat was dry and raspy. Dr. Baker poured a glass of water and offered it to her. She took it and drank slowly.

"We're at the Miller's house."

"Oh," was all she managed to say. She reached up and felt the bandage above her left eye. She mumbled sleepily.

"You got hit on the head," he explained. "Do you remember?" She shook her head. She tried again to sit up and then pointed to the glass of water. He helped her drink some more. She winced as she pulled herself up to sit. She drank the entire glass.

"I'm so thirsty," she complained. "My head hurts." She took another look around and then tried to focus her eyes on the doctor. "I don't understand…"

"You're at the Miller's. Do you remember coming here yesterday?"

"Yesterday? Um… yes. I came to talk to Elizabeth," she said, closing her eyes, trying to remember. Suddenly her eyes flew open and she grabbed his arm. "Is she ok?"

"Yes," he smiled at her visible relief. "Elizabeth is definitely ok."

"Hiram," she said softly. "I want to tell you… it was Benjamin…"

"I know," he interrupted. "He came after you. He's the one who hit you. Do you remember that?" She didn't know how he knew, but was glad she didn't have to explain it to him.

"Not really. I don't' really remember anything. It hurts my head to think right now," she touched the bandage once more. He thought about the letter in his pocket. Was it the right time?

"I can give you some powder for the headache so you can go back to sleep. I'm going to stay here, Eva," he soothed. "There is a lot I need to tell you when you are feeling better."

"Tell me now, "she ordered. "I'm not that eager to go back to sleep."

"Are you sure?" he asked. Nightmares, he thought. She was still afraid. She nodded and waited for him to go on.

"I guess the first thing I should tell you is that Benjamin is dead," he stated as a matter of fact. He waited for it to register before he continued, but she showed no reaction to the news. "After he hit you, he went after Elizabeth but her mother stopped him. Apparently, while he was following you, she followed him… with a shotgun."

"Wow," she finally managed to say.

"Right," he said. "So, you see… that part of your nightmare is over. You don't have to be afraid of him anymore."

"Yes," she was lost in thought. "I should be relieved, shouldn't I?"

"Well," he offered slowly. "I don't think anyone can tell you how you should feel about that. I would hope you feel relief."

"I guess I do, but…" she didn't finish. She absently touched her belly. Of course, he thought. She will never be rid of him. He observed her face. She was distracted and in shock. "I'm not sure how to feel about anything anymore. I feel angry when I should feel gratitude. I feel afraid when I should feel relief. I feel empty when there is life… growing inside me. None of this is natural. I don't know who I am anymore. Maybe if I had been a stronger woman before any of this happened all this would be sorted out by now. I'm starting to think I was an incredibly foolish person."

"I wish you wouldn't say things like that," he replied with an edge in his voice.

"I've been trying to remember what my life was like before," she continued, ignoring his words. "I had a calling and a home in a town that I loved, that needed me. But then it was taken away in a shattering moment and now it seems like it was never mine, like it belonged to another woman. He stole my past from me. And then… I try to think of the future and I can't see it. It's as if I'm trying to look out a window and there is nothing but a thick fog rolling toward me. I can't imagine my life tomorrow, or the next day… or next year. He stole my hope. All I'm left with is this… painful shame that is now, right now."

"The problem is not who you were, Eva. The problem is that you haven't accepted that what happened to you was not your fault. Not a single moment of it. You didn't ask for it to happen and you certainly didn't allow it to happen. Please, in God's name, get it through your head that you are not guilty of anything!"

She knew he had said those words to her before, but she finally allowed them to wash over her like a balm. She nodded, and then started to weep. Lightness settled in her body as if a burden had been lifted. She took a deep sigh and smiled at him.

"Thank you, Hiram," she whispered. She saw that tears had started to fill his eyes, too. "I don't understand why you care so much when I have done nothing but throw your kindness back at you. You're a special kind of person and I'm so glad that you are my friend."

His face grew serious. He stood up and paced around the room, trying to muster the courage to say everything in his heart. She followed him silently, waiting for him to speak. Something is bothering him, she thought. She braced herself.

"Eva," he started. "I want to tell you something, but first I need you to know that I've thought about this through and through." He sat back down and leaned toward her. "I have a letter here… it's from an old friend from medical college. He's offered me a position in Minneapolis as head physician in a clinic… I plan to accept it."

"You mean… you are going to leave Walnut Grove?" she ask incredulously.

"Yes, well… I had this idea, you see, and…" he suddenly realized he was about to sound like a raving idiot. "Oh, I don't even know how to start…"

"Just tell me," she encouraged. He saw her patiently waiting for him to go on. He took a deep breath.

"Marry me."

"What?"

"Eva," he sighed. "I know I'm doing this all wrong. But… I'm not a young man. I gave up the idea that I would ever marry or have children of my own a long, long time ago. And I realize that I'm probably making the biggest fool of myself right now, but… I care a lot about you. I don't know what kind of husband and father I would be, but I know I want to try to be a good one for you." He stopped himself. He could tell by the look on her face that he sounded insane.

"Look, I know I sound pathetic. Ever since that day you came to my office and told me everything, I've been overcome with an indescribable grief. I've known you a long time… and I've always admired the kind of woman you are… smart, beautiful, contented and good. But you were hurting and the desire to make it stop hurting consumed me. I didn't know what it was, this need to make you happy again. I realized I could give you a fresh start, restore a sense of honor where it had been so wrongly taken from you… and then it all made sense to me. I realized… Eva, what I mean is that I love you. I'm not trying to be noble. If anything, I'm being a selfish man."

"Oh, Hiram," she answered sadly. "I am overwhelmed by your intentions. You're right; we have known each other a long time. I know you better than most people and I know that you are not a selfish man. But I cannot possibly let you give up everything you have for me. Never in a hundred years could I possibly accept your offer to marry you. What you feel for me is not love, Hiram. It's pity."

"No, you're wrong. Believe me; I tried to tell myself that I'm too old to be in love. I honestly denied it for a long time but it was no use. I think about you every minute of every day, and when I heard there was an accident yesterday and you were hurt, I was so afraid of losing you. I know I love you, Eva."

"Oh," she cried, reaching for his face to wipe the tears that streamed down his face. "How can you say you love me? No one can love me… it would be a huge mistake to try."

"I've been carrying this letter around for days, Eva! I've tried talking myself out of it, worried about my pride, about losing the friendship we've had until now. But it all came down to how it would be a big mistake not to try. Please… just stop thinking that you can't be loved and just… let me love you!"

"But I can't love you back," she exclaimed. "I could never be the wife you deserve. You're asking me to take from you every day knowing that I can never give back in return. I could never live with myself if I did that to you of all people, letting you give up everything just for me."

"Don't you see? You would be giving me something I never thought possible, Eva. You'll be giving me a family, a child to call mine. You'd be letting me give you and this child my name. I can't think of anything that would make me more proud. Please, I'll beg you if I must. You're worth so much more than I have right now." He stopped talking and stood up. After a long silence, his shoulders dropped. He made a huge mess of everything. She wasn't convinced and now he would lose her forever.

"I've run out of words," he said softly. "I've failed to make you see how precious you are."

"Oh, please," she begged. "I can't stand to hurt you. But I'm not a whole person and I'm sure that you would resent me in time. Marriage is hard even in the best of circumstances. We'd be starting with so much going against us, all of it because of me. How could I do that to you?"

"I don't expect this to make everything better. I know that the kind of pain you have could take a lifetime to heal, if it heals at all. I don't know what lies ahead. I just know that there is something I can do for you right now. All I ask if that you consider letting me do it for you. Know this, that if you accept me, I'd be the happiest and proudest man in the world."

"I'm the one who should be proud, Hiram. I just don't think…"

"I know you don't love me like I love you," he interjected with a heavy heart. "I do know that. Just… don't give me a final answer until you've thought about it a little more. If you want to spare me total humiliation, at least do that for me."

She nodded. He was right; it was the least she could do for him after everything he said. Her head was throbbing and she just wanted the world to stop.

"Hiram, I'm sorry…" she said, but the door was closing behind him and she was sure he didn't hear it. She felt hot tears hit the pillow as sleep started to overtake her. She couldn't help but think that it didn't matter if she refused or accepted; either way she would end up hurting him.