Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the E.E Cummings poem in this chapter. This story idea belongs to marieloveseclare. Thanks to arctic_grey for writing The Black Rose Season and being a writing inspiration.
Author's note:Thanks to Sarenka222 for her poem recommendation. Thanks to my friend Miranda for her input. Oh, there is a THROAM reference somewhere in this chapter. Wink wink.
"But you know nothing is outside and my secret is my silence.
My secret is my silence and my silence is in vain."
My Secret Is My Silence | Roddy Woomble
It's a wet, intense kiss, and Clare feels a little uneasy, but she keeps kissing him. Jake presses his body against hers, groaning hoarsely as Clare flings her arms around his neck, and their gasps are the only thing audible in the room.
Clare opens her eyes for just a moment and she sees green eyes staring back at her. She blinks again and realizes that she just imagined it, it's not Eli, it's Jake. Jake is the one kissing her, not Eli. No, not Eli.
She's losing her mind.
"Um…" Jake stops kissing her, looking concerned. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine! I'm… fine," reassures Clare.
"You've been weird for the past few days," says Jake, smiling before leaning in to kiss her on the neck.
"Yeah, um, school work and all this hiding in my apartment thing is getting to me," says Clare, running her fingers through Jake's hair.
" As soon as Goldsworthy comes clean, this will change… any progress?" mutters Jake, now placing a kiss on Clare's cheek.
"I…" Truth is, although Eli is certainly nicer to her, he's still distant. He hasn't been able to spend much time with her working on the essay, claiming that he's busy. He's… acting weird. Especially after the "moment" they shared outside the library a few days ago. But Jake doesn't need to know that. Jake doesn't need to know that she has a tiny, insignificant crush on Eli. "Some, I'm still trying."
"Good," grins Jake and kisses her again, more passionate than ever.
"Oh, god!"
Jake falls off the couch as Clare pushes him away, and Alli is standing in the living room, covering her eyes with her hands.
"Can't you go hang out somewhere else?" protests Alli, stomping out of the living room and slamming her bedroom door after her. Jake and Clare laugh it off, but Jake glances at his watch and stands up, fixing his shirt.
"This was fun," says Jake, giving Clare a side smile.
"Are you sure you're okay with me… you know…" Clare blushes, glancing briefly at her purity ring.
"I really like you, Clare, so of course I'm okay with it," says Jake, leaning in to give her a peck on the lips. "I swear."
"Okay," says Clare, not feeling convinced. "What are you doing today?"
"Spending all afternoon in the newsroom, nothing too exciting," sighs Jake. "I'd rather spend time with you, but I think Holly J would kill me. You?"
"It's a Saturday, so I'll go to the library for a bit," says Clare, standing up as well. "I'll get some work done… maybe I'll run into Eli."
"Sounds good," nods Jake. "Okay, I really have to go now, but…" Jake kisses her, and Clare happily responds to the kiss. "Leaving now, for sure."
They start kissing again, and time flies by.
xxxxxxx
Clare walks into the library, looking around for a book for her public relations research class. She soon finds the section she's looking for, and spends a few minutes browsing around. Clare sighs as she remembers making out with Jake, and then decides to focus on her search again.
"Dave is a threat to us, and you know it." Clare stops searching around and stops, recognizing the voice at once. It's Adam Torres, Drew's brother.
"Not in here, Adam," says another voice through gritted teeth. Eli.
"He's sort of right, I mean… he is threatening to speak out and…" Imogen's scared voice moves Clare's heart; the girl sounds completely terrified.
"He won't," says Eli coldly.
"I talked to Rosso about it," says Adam softly.
"What? Goddamn it, Adam, why did you bring him into this?" says Eli angrily, and Clare realizes that they're on the other side of her section.
"I had to!"
"No, you didn't. Fuck. You guys are really pissing me off," blurts Eli.
"Am I pissing you off?" asks Imogen sadly.
"No, you're not," says Eli, his tone completely different. "Just… everything."
"We should call for a meeting today," retorts Adam. "I'll text Katie and she'll let everyone know."
"Fine," says Eli tiredly.
Clare stands still as the voices get closer, and she feels trapped, not knowing what to do. She walks out of the section as fast as she can, looking behind her back as she does and-
"Ouch!"
Clare bumps into Imogen and the latter's glasses fall off, causing Imogen to start freaking out. "Oh, my glasses, oh no, oh no!"
"Here," says Clare, handing them to her. Imogen checks the glasses frantically, as if searching for any damage.
"She likes her glasses," chuckles Eli, smirking at Clare.
"They belonged to Buddy Holly," huffs Imogen crossly.
"No, they belonged to one of Buddy Holly's roadies," teases Eli, and Imogen punches him in the arm. "Oh! Adam, this is Clare."
"Hey," says Adam, smiling patiently at Clare, but still looking upset. "We've met."
"Have you?" asks Eli, frowning.
"Yeah, my best friend used to date Drew," shrugs Clare awkwardly.
"Ah," says Eli tonelessly and gives Adam a meaningful glance. "I rarely talk to Drew, and Adam never mentioned it."
"If it's any consolation, I think Alli was too good for Drew," says Adam, sounding more cheerful. "I like his new girlfriend but-"
"Pa-" starts Imogen, and Adam and Eli glare at her. "Um, I mean, Bianca is so mean sometimes."
"Oh, so that's her name," giggles Clare. "Alli just refers to her as 'slutty dancer.'"
"Sounds like a Elton John song gone wrong," notes Adam. "Anyway… Imogen, we need to go and do that thing we had to do."
Imogen looks confused, and Eli starts coughing dryly as Adam rolls his eyes. "You know… the thing?" insists Adam.
Imogen looks at Eli and then at Clare, then back at Eli, and she starts smiling brightly. "Okay, I get it," winks Imogen, and Adam puts an arm around Imogen's shoulders. Imogen puts her hand in one of her pockets and something falls out, but nobody notices except Clare.
"See you later, Clare," says Adam. "And don't be late, Eli."
Imogen and Adam walk away, leaving an awkward silence behind them. "Sorry I haven't been the most pleasant person," says Eli. "I swear, my life has been kind of crazy lately."
Clare notices that Eli is holding his journal in one of his hands, and he sees her looking. He slowly puts it in his back pocket, and offers her a hesitant smile.
"Want to take a walk?" he asks. "Maybe we can get some inspiration for our essay."
Clare looks at the books in her hands and thinks about Eli suggestion, knowing that she has tons of homework. She drops the books in one of the nearby bins and looks at Eli, feeling quite elated.
"Why not?" she asks, motioning Eli to walk in front of her. Eli gives her an odd look but he turns his back as Clare swiftly grabs the piece of paper that Imogen dropped.
You never know, thinks Clare.
xxxxxxx
"It's so cloudy today," mentions Clare as they walk, and Eli has his hands deep in his pockets as he looks at the sky.
"It mirrors my mood," he sighs, sounding miserable.
"You sound tired," notes Clare, and Eli just shrugs, not saying a word. They walk in silence, the pebbles of the trail they're walking on crunching underneath their feet.
"Do you like rain?" asks Eli, sounding pensive.
"Sometimes," says Clare. "You?"
"I like it," says Eli, and Clare hears thunder somewhere in the distance. "You can't stop it from falling, you can get sick if you spend too much time under it… but it's beautiful."
"Nature is," concedes Clare.
"But rain is also depressing," continues Eli. "It's kind of overwhelming and it traps you indoors if you want to go outside… and it can also destroy."
"What are you getting at?" asks Clare curiously.
"Rain is like love," says Eli simply. "Don't you think?"
Clare stops walking and smiles, but Eli doesn't notice and he continues walking. "Have you ever been in love?" asks Clare after him. Eli turns around and she can tell that she asked the wrong question, because there is sorrow in his features, and Eli nods.
"And just like with rain, it ended," says Eli abruptly. "I had no say in its ending, I didn't see it coming… it just… ended."
Clare tilts her head to the side and walks over to him, wanting to somehow comfort the obviously broken boy in front of her. Eli looks at the ground and a sad smirk appears on his lips, and he finally removes his hands from his pockets.
"Have you ever been in love?" asks Eli, echoing Clare's question.
"Me?" blurts Clare, and Eli is still looking at the ground. Clare doesn't know what to answer, because she's not sure. K.C…. well, she really liked K.C, but she knows that it wasn't love. The guy she went out with for a couple dates, Mark Fitzgerald, doesn't count either. But Jake… she feels happy and fuzzy around him, and maybe that's love. She doesn't really know.
"I'm not sure," confesses Clare, and Eli looks at her.
And out of nowhere, rain starts falling down on them, soaking them at once. Eli starts laughing and grabs Clare's hand as they start running, looking for shelter. They finally find a tree and they stand underneath the branches, and Eli lets go of Clare's hand.
"Not sure if this is safe," grins Eli.
"Great, now we're going to get sick," mumbles Clare as they stand under the tree, drops still falling on them.
Eli says nothing as they stare at the now-flooding trail, but after a while he stands in front of Clare, his face a little pale. "I found a poem," he says, unusually shy.
"Really? About what?" asks Clare.
"About… rain… kind of," shrugs Eli, not looking at her directly. "I thought that maybe it would help us with our essay. And now it's raining, so I thought that telling you about it would be… um… relevant."
"Oh?" The sudden tension between them changes everything, it's as if the air is barely breathable, as if the rain is gone, and Clare is able to see nothing but Eli. What changed?
"I do not know what it is about you that closes and opens," says Eli quietly. "Only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses."
Eli takes another step and Clare just stands there, rooted to the spot. Their proximity is making her nervous, but she doesn't move, not when Eli is looking at her like that. Nobody has ever looked at her like that. Not even Jake.
"Nobody, not even the rain…" Eli smirks at her as he moves closer. "Has such small hands."
"That's pretty," says Clare, lowering her eyes, hoping that Eli won't notice the blush on her cheeks. She's intently looking at her shoes, which are soaking wet, and soon she notices Eli's black boots almost touching the tip of her sneakers.
Clare looks up, her eyes locking with Eli's, and he clears his throat. "There is a reason why you can't be my friend," says Eli after a few seconds.
"I'm too nice for you?" asks Clare teasingly, trying to remain calm and unfazed.
"I can't be just friends with you, Clare," he says seriously. "I like you too much."
Clare can't speak, she can't respond, she just takes in the words and feels her world spin out of control. Eli likes her. Likes her, likes her. His timing is wrong, this is happening too soon, and oh! she's with Jake.
But there is something about Eli that is just irresistible, and she can't help but feel drawn to him. The rain intensifies, and not even the tree can offer them shelter from the downpour anymore.
Clare is shivering, but it has nothing to do with her wet clothes. Eli cups her face, his fingers delicately touching her cheeks. Her face feels very, very hot, and her insides are churning with nerves. She should stop him, she should push him away.
Eli gulps, moving closer to her, and she sees the fear in his eyes. He seems slightly confused, but he doesn't say a word, he just looks at her intensely. She can barely breathe, but somehow her hands find the collar of Eli's jacket and she holds on to him. Eli's fingers feel like fire on her skin, and he's looking into her eyes, still silent.
"I shouldn't," he finally breathes, and Clare tenses up as Eli's lips brush hers.
"Me neither," whispers Clare. Eli is teasing her, his lips hovering over hers, both of them taking each other's breath. After two tortuous seconds, Eli finally kisses her.
Clare read once that first kisses are like sparks and fireworks, that time stops, that one feels nervous and anxious. And yes, Clare felt this way with K.C, with Mark, and with Jake.
But with Eli, it feels like her entire world is collapsing. The kiss is positively overwhelming, it's not only on her lips, but she feels it all over her body. Clare feels like she's literally on fire, and a quiet moan escapes her.
Clare feels lightheaded as their lips move in sync, both of them being cautious about the kiss. Eli's arms wrap around her possessively, and she kisses him eagerly, pulling on his collar.
Eli pulls away, opening his eyes to reveal full-blown pupils and Clare is breathless. "You're still here," says Eli amusedly.
"You have your arms around me, I can't really leave," mumbles Clare, and Eli kisses her again. Clare's back is pressed against the tree, and now her hands are tangled in Eli's hair, pulling him close to her. She knows that people might walk by, they might see them, but she doesn't care. Her chest expands with yearning when Eli deepens the kiss, and nothing really matters anymore.
I really like you, Clare, so of course I'm okay with it.
Clare's eyes open and she pushes Eli away as the sound of Jake's voice goes through her mind, and Eli frowns. "Sorry, did I…?" he starts, but Clare doesn't stay to listen. She runs away, almost slipping when she steps on a puddle, and she can hear Eli calling after her.
She kissed another guy… Eli Goldsworthy of all people. She's going to hell.
xxxxxxx
Clare opens the door to her apartment, fumbling with her keys as she does. She closes the door behind her and she gasps for breath, her heart going a thousand beats per second.
Her lips are burning. That kiss is embedded in her mind and she can't stop thinking about it. She loved that kiss, and that's what scares her. Clare feels like a floozy, because she is sort-of-dating Jake, even if they haven't made if official. She cheated on Jake. She's just like Jenna, the girl who stole K.C away from her; she's not any better.
This is not good, not good at all. She takes off her denim jacket and something falls on the floor, and Clare picks it up at once. It's the piece of paper that Imogen dropped, and Clare starts to unfold it cautiously.
Aeon
Astir
Beam
Charmer
Foxy
Ivy
Joker
Jock
Pas
Posh
Pica
Quicksilver
The list is neatly typed, and Clare stares at the crossed out names, Ivy and Joker. There is something scribbled with pencil at the bottom of the list, but it washed out with the rain, and Clare can only make out a couple words.
Walker, September and Nine.
Clare goes over the list again, and recognizes Foxy, Quicksilver and Aeon, because those names were on the envelope on Jake's desk.
"Walker, September and Nine," mutters Clare, walking to her bedroom. Alli is not in the apartment, but Clare hardly cares, she's still focused on the list.
She sits on her bed and thinks of calling Jake to tell him about the list, but doing so would result with Clare falling apart in front of him because of the guilt she's feeling. No, it's not really guilt, because, shockingly, she doesn't regret kissing Eli. She can't believe that she doesn't feel bad about the actual kiss, because she should. And part of her, the little rebellious part that she's always tried to ignore, wants to kiss him again.
But a little voice in the back of her head tells her, "You can't."