Chapter Twelve

The morning brought a flurry of visitors to the Miller's farm once news of the "accident" spread throughout the town. If anyone knew the true account of events, no one let on. Neighbors and friends expressed their sympathy for Eva's injury, but the most popular topic was the news that there was going to be a wedding; when Ian returned the next morning, he asked Elizabeth in front of everyone. Mr. and Mrs. Miller could barely contain their happiness as they gave their blessing. Eva smiled as she saw the two young people share their news with each visitor that called that day, but it was bittersweet. She saw Dr. Baker excuse himself from the house each time talk of weddings and marriage came up. His excuse of exhaustion fooled everyone but her.

By mid-morning she had convinced her hosts and the good doctor that she was well enough to return to her own home. She thanked them for their kindness and congratulated the young couple once more before asking Mr. Miller to drive her back into town.

"I'm going back to town. It only makes sense that you ride with me, Miss Beadle," Dr. Baker offered. His tone was somber and his offer more than practical. She couldn't refuse. He helped her into his surrey and they rode away in silence.

"So many people fussed over me," she said to finally break the awkward silence. "I really do feel fine. It must be this hideous bandage."

"People make a fuss when they care," he explained with a twinge of sadness. She couldn't help but take what he said as an expression of his pain. She decided that silence was easier to bear and said no more. When they arrived at the boarding house, they were met with more fuss.

"Oh, my dear girl, what have you been up to?" Mrs. Foster exclaimed, shaking her head. "You look like you've been in a battle. Other residents made a point to welcome her home, including , who said he knew she was a scrapper. She blushed.

"It's only a cut," she insisted lightheartedly. "I can't seem to keep my face out of trouble."

She turned to thank Dr. Baker for everything, hoping to see any sign that he would survive the rejection she dealt to him the night before, but she could only watch his surrey as it turned a bend in the road and disappeared. Her heart sank. She wanted him to understand that she was thankful for what he was willing to do for her, but there was just no way she could allow it.

Eva was ordered to rest by her landlady but she was unable to obey. As she had confessed to the doctor that she couldn't picture her own future, she now couldn't think of anything else. He had given her so much to imagine. She had to admit that what he offered was a solution to all her biggest fears; a new place to start over, a home and means to provide for her. He even thought about the needs of the child growing day by day inside of her, a reality she herself had neglected because it was too painful. He didn't just offer an escape from her tragic circumstance. It was also the restoration of her honor. He offered her redemption.

No matter how many reasons she could list to accept his offer, she always came back to the fact that she was in no moral position to ask him to give up so much for her who could repay with so little. He honestly believes he loves me, she thought. But how can he? Who could love someone like me, in my condition? He says he only wants to love me, but eventually he will have expectations of a wife that I'm sure I could never fulfill.

She knew she had to make him understand her viewpoint. He had to understand that he was the most wonderful kind of person in the world to want to marry her. But he also had to understand that her life was poison. She couldn't drag him into the misery she was sure was her own destiny. She tossed every detail around until a headache finally forced her to get into bed and sleep. She swore to herself that she would go to him as soon as possible, make him understand. She prayed that he would and that someday he would also forgive her. She hoped her new resolve to sort out her life would give him comfort, even if he couldn't be a part of it.

As sleep started to seep into her mind and body, heaviness claimed her heart. Why couldn't she just love him back? Maybe I do love him, she thought, but the answer to that was 'impossible.' You can't love anyone. You don't deserve to love anyone as good and kind…

The following day, Eva discovered that her courage to set things aright with Dr. Baker waned with each passing hour. She watched out the window to see if he was coming to visit, perhaps check her forehead. She wished he would, but he never did. She didn't blame him and it only made her more afraid to face him.

By nightfall, she had failed to do the one thing she intended to do. Perhaps I should respect that he wants to stay away, she said to herself. It was another excuse to avoid a conversation that she rehearsed over and over in her mind. Hiram, she practiced to herself. You don't love me, you feel sorry for me. I don't think it would be right and in time you'll come to see it that way as well.

The next day, Eva dressed herself and noticed that her body was finally changing. She could still get her skirt to fit and she was sure that no one could tell her secret, but it was a shock she wasn't prepared to handle. She was contemplating the more extreme ways her body would change in weeks ahead as she entered the dining room for breakfast. Food was starting to appeal to her again. In fact, she was hungrier than she had ever been. How many times had she heard expectant mothers talk about 'eating for two'? She suddenly realized she knew nothing about pregnancy or giving birth. One fear is taken away, a new one takes its place, she mused.

Caroline Ingalls dropped by to visit later that day. Eva was glad to have the opportunity to mend their friendship. Caroline had tried to reach out to her in her darkest hour and she had done nothing but fight her. She needed a confidant to help her navigate through this confusing new experience she could no longer ignore, unwanted as it was.

"When I was expecting Mary," Caroline confided. "I was so scared. I think I cried the entire time. My mother told me that was natural, but I was really so afraid. I didn't know what to expect and all she could say was how it was a beautiful part of life. Beautiful? I don't know if I finally understood what she was talking about until Carrie was born!" She laughed.

"That is not very comforting," Eva moaned.

"I'm sorry," Caroline apologized. "I know you're scared. I can't imagine what you're going through. But I will tell you something my mother did tell me that gave me comfort. A woman's body is designed for this. As far as that baby and your body know, this is supposed to happen just this way." Eva nodded and offered a small smile.

"Oh! I didn't realize the time!" Caroline said as she stood up to leave. "I'm supposed to meet Charles and then go meet the stage… I mean, uh… oh, I wasn't going to say anything…"

"Say what?"

"Oh… well, I wasn't going to tell you that the new schoolteacher is arriving today. She is going to stay with us until she can find accommodations that suit her better. I didn't want to upset you."

"I see," Eva replied, trying to hide her disappointment. "I suppose it was going to have to happen soon, right? I certainly didn't give the school board much choice."

"I know this is a huge favor," Caroline asked cautiously. "But could I bring her here to meet you? I'm sure she would like as much advice about teaching at our school as you can give. If it would be too awkward…"

"No," Eva interrupted. "I think I would like to meet her. Please do that."

"I will," Caroline smiled. "So much is happening in our town! People coming, people going. It is sad and exciting at the same time."

"Who's going?" Eva asked.

"I thought for sure you knew," Caroline answered with surprise. "Doctor Baker is leaving us. Sunday will be his last day. We're going to have a welcome party for the new teacher and a good bye party for him after church. Didn't anyone tell you? It is all anyone can seem to talk about."

"No," Eva replied, a lump growing in her throat. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. It didn't make sense. He didn't have to go. He loved Walnut Grove. As soon as the door closed behind her friend, Eva decided it was time to pay a visit to the doctor whether either of them liked it or not.

Eva practically ran to Dr. Baker's office to confront him. She opened to find a small crowd had gathered. They were excitedly asking him about his new position, confessing their sorrow at losing such a fine doctor to a big city.

"I guess we could be proud to say you were our doctor first!" one man offered as he good naturedly slapped the doctor on the back. Dr. Baker smiled his appreciation at the kind words when he saw Eva standing in the door way, flushed and slightly bewildered. She found out, he thought to himself. He had hoped to leave before word got to her, but the town insisted on a goodbye party and he didn't have the heart to deny his friends.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he interrupted the conversation. "I am still the doctor of this town and it appears I have a patient waiting. So, if you'll excuse me…" He held the door open and gave Eva an uneasy nod as she moved to let the people depart. Without saying anything, he gestured toward a chair and closed the door behind her.

"Can I offer you some tea?" he said, acting as normal as he could muster.

"Why are you leaving?" she blurted, ignoring his hospitality.

"I told you," he sighed. "I was offered a position in Minneapolis."

"That isn't what I'm asking you and you know it! Tell me why you are leaving!" she demanded, emotion rising in her throat.

"I have to go," he answered softly. "I need to get away."

"But this is your home! All your friends are here! They need you… I thought that since I…"

"You thought," he interrupted sharply. "That since I didn't have to marry you that I'd just go on with my life as if nothing happened."

"Hiram, please…" she pleaded. "The last thing I wanted was to hurt you. You don't have to go. It doesn't make any sense!"

"Eva," he softened. "When I told you how I feel about you, I made a total fool of myself. It made me realize that I'm the worst kind of fool… an old one. I'm getting too old to race through the night to deliver babies that don't have the courtesy to wait for me to get there. I've treated as many animals as I have human beings, probably bitten by as many, too. I can't stay here. And I think I can tend my own wounds better someplace else. It's time for me to move on. It's for the best."

"No, isn't for the best! Hiram, you don't love me! You think you do but you only feel sorry for me. How long can that last? Sooner or later you'll stop feeling sorry for me and then what? Then all this leaving would be a huge mistake. I beg you, don't go."

"You're wrong," he said, sadly. "I don't feel sorry for you. That isn't what I feel. I love you."

"Well, stop it!" she yelled at him through tears. "I never asked you to love me! I can never ask a man to love me. I'm not worth it, not now! I don't think I'll ever be worth it. Why couldn't you just leave me alone and spare me the added burden of knowing you are leaving your home because I can't have the good sense to love you back!"

"You are worth it," he whispered. "You are a woman of tremendous worth, Eva. You are precious and good and beautiful. But you're right. I can't make you love me. Not when you can't even love yourself."

"There you go again, saying all those pretty words about me. It's like you're mocking me…and I can't take it anymore!" she shot back at him angrily. She was tired of hearing him praise her worth when she felt the way she did. She bolted from the chair, flung the door open and fled before he could see her total emotional collapse.