Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.
Author's note: Thank you so much for your reviews! I'm soooo not worthy. Don't hate me too much for the first part, okay? Hang in there. Also, cookie points for those who spot the Literati/Panic references.
"I need another reason, tell me to breathe
The dirtier the sound, the best I breathe
I tried to do it all for you , it didn't do anything for me."
I've Got Friends | Manchester Orchestra
She feels dirty. Although she's standing under the shower head and the water is hot and cleansing, she feels dirty.
This wasn't supposed to happen. Not like this.
Clare closes her eyes and wraps her arms around herself, as if searching for protection. She feels Jake's hands all over her skin, she feels Jake's breath in her mouth, and she still feels him. Her purity ring is scorching her finger, a reminder of a promise she is slowly breaking. How did it happen?
"I love you, Clare," repeats Jake, his hands on her hips. Clare doesn't know what to say but kisses him back, because she doesn't want him to suspect that she's already falling for Eli. Jake doesn't deserve this; he doesn't deserve this kind of deceit. Clare is a floozy who has no control over her feelings, obviously, and Jake is just trying to look out for her.
They kiss, eager and needy, and somehow they ended in her bed, Jake sliding his hand under her shirt. His hands feel warm and Clare moans with every daring move, with every little touch. Jake presses himself against her and Clare opens her eyes when she feels that Jake is, well, ready for more.
"Jake, I..."
"Clare, you're amazing," he says hoarsely, unbuttoning her shirt. Clare just lies there, watching him undress her, watching him undress himself, and she's still not talking. He kisses her over and over again, mumbling sweet nothings into her ear. Her door is closed, but Alli is in the next room and the walls are not that thick. Clare's brain is working fast, trying to understand the enormity of what is happening.
"I... you can ask me to stop," says Jake nervously. "Just say the word and I'll slow down, okay?"
Clare feels terrified and uneasy, but she wants to show Jake that she loves him. She has loved him for years, hasn't she? And true love waits, right? And what is this if it isn't true love?
Jake is fast asleep on her bed, and here she is, taking a shower to erase him away. She wasn't ready for this, not at all. So, they didn't go all the way, but Jake touched her in ways nobody had ever touched her before. Clare remembers the chills running down her spine when his fingers pushed inside of her, making her feel lightheaded. She touched him too, awkwardly and slowly, but Jake seemed to enjoy it.
Her head hurts, but the thing that bothers her the most is that her soul feels broken. And for some unexplainable reason, she feels like she cheated on Eli.
She finishes taking the shower and dresses quickly after she's done drying herself, not bothering with her hair. She walks back to her room and she sees Alli drinking a glass of milk in the living room, and Clare blinks dazedly.
"Alli, it's late," whispers Clare.
"You're happy, aren't you," says Alli pensively. "It was always me, the one who was happy. And now you have everything. Where did I go wrong, Clare-bear?"
Clare walks over to the couch and sits next to Alli, hugging her close. Alli starts crying into Clare's shoulder and they both hold to each other for a while. "I miss Drew," sniffles Alli. "I miss him so much."
"He's an idiot," says Clare angrily. "He's a jerk for cheating on you. You deserve better."
Alli takes a deep breath and laughs nervously, sniffling again. "Clare… don't ruin this thing with Jake. He's the one for you… don't ruin it."
Clare hugs Alli again, her eyes wide open, and she's unable to speak.
xxxxxxx
"You're really quiet today," says Eli, interrupting his scribbling to look at her.
"I'm tired," blushes Clare, not looking at him in the eye. "You know, went to bed late and all."
"I had a great time last night," smiles Eli, and brushes the top of her hand with his finger. Clare looks around, hoping that no one saw that, but her classmates are busy working on the assignment Miss Dawes handed out earlier.
"Me too," says Clare, trying to reciprocate the smile. She is still thinking of Jake and how he kissed her before leaving her apartment, promising her to take her out on an actual date soon. Clare can't help but think that there was guilt in Jake's face, and that maybe he regrets what happened. Hopefully not.
"I really appreciate what you did for Imogen," says Eli somberly. "You stood up for her even though you haven't known her for that long. And you said that you want to get to know me better... so, I think that it's time to tell you about something I haven't been completely honest about."
Clare sees Wesley glaring at them, and her cheeks feel hot. Is Eli finally going to talk about Sadie? The secret society? She feels terrible because Eli is opening up to her and she keeps hiding information from him. She looks at her purity ring and shame takes over her emotions, but she can't let Eli see this.
"That sounds intriguing," smiles Clare. "Looking forward to it."
"Good," grins Eli. "That's great. Can I ask you something? Would you ever consider getting a tattoo?"
"A ta-tattoo?" mumbles Clare. "I don't know. I don't think so."
Oh no, Eli wants her to get a tattoo, doesn't he? This definitely means that he is talking about the secret society. Is Eli going to ask her to join? This is way more than she bargained for, although she knows that Jake will be delighted about this.
"Maybe I will make you change your mind," winks Eli, and he goes back to his notes as Miss Dawes walks by. Edwards... do you feel like taking a risk today?"
"You're asking a lot of weird questions," grins Clare. "It depends."
"I'll be right back, class," says Miss Dawes, and she leaves the classroom.
"Let's get out of here," smirks Eli, grabbing his books from the desk and throwing them inside his backpack, and Clare stares at him.
"Skip?" frowns Clare.
"We already sat here for most of the class," shrugs Eli. "So... what do you say?"
Clare feels a smile tug at the corner of her lips when she sees the mischief in Eli's eyes, and she nods as she starts collecting her things. The rest of the class is staring at them as they leave the classroom, and Eli and Clare are stifling their laughter as they run down the hall.
"You do know this is college, right?" mocks Eli. "You can leave a class whenever you want to."
"I know, but running makes it more fun, doesn't it?" says Clare cheerfully as they push the main doors open, sunlight greeting them once they step out.
xxxxxxxx
"Charm was a scheme for making strangers like and trust a person immediately," reads Clare. "No matter what the charmer had in mind."
Eli is sitting next to her, their shoulders touching, and their fingers are intertwined as they hold hands. "I can have oodles of charm when I want to," quotes Eli, not looking at the book.
"Breakfast of Champions is one of my personal favorites," says Clare happily. "Although this copy has your scribbles all over it. Blasphemy!"
"It's not blasphemy; it's admiration," says Eli pompously. "Admiration, appreciation… but not blasphemy."
"This is a really old copy," says Clare, impressed. She holds the Vonnegut book carefully in her hands as Eli smiles smugly, finishing what's left of his candy bar. They're both sitting on Eli's bed, going through books, and Clare closes the novel.
"I'm keeping this one," she says, holding the book close to her chest.
"Stealing my books already?" sighs Eli mockingly. "Damn it, woman! What's next? Changing my wardrobe?"
"Well, you do wear too much black..." giggles Clare, and Eli pretends to look hurt.
"Oh, well, if you say so," he says, moving closer. "You can twist my rubber arm anytime."
Clare puts the book aside, her eyes locking with Eli's, and she can already feel how her heart rate is picking up. Eli pushes the rest of the books off the bed, his eyes searching for something in Clare's face, and this makes her nervous. The mood in the room has changed, and it feels heavy with something she can't quite describe, but she waits.
"There's something different about you today," Eli notes, touching Clare's chin with his finger.
"Um..." Clare blushes, thinking about what happened with Jake. "I feel the same. Nothing has really changed."
"I just missed you, I guess," says Eli as he leans in. He places his hands on Clare's waist, and slowly coaxes her into lying down, his body on top of hers. Clare holds her breath as Eli's lips tease hers, but he doesn't kiss her. Eli is merely looking at her with interest, and she feels his belt brushing her stomach.
"When I'm around you..." Eli trails off. "All I can think about is getting you to kiss me."
And Eli looks scared and terribly vulnerable, as if he just confessed the darkest secret ever. Clare wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him in, closing the gap between their lips. Eli is kissing her gently and sweetly, and all the memories from the previous night are gone from Clare's mind.
Clare parts her lips, allowing Eli to deepen the kiss. Clare is marveled by the way their tongues move in sync, as if it has always been meant to be this way. Her soft moans are muffled as Eli starts kissing her faster and aggressively, and she feels one of his hands starting to slide under her shirt. But it feels okay, and she wants this.
She really does.
Eli lets go of her lips as his hand trails upward, touching the fabric of Clare's bra. He's looking at her as if asking for permission, and Clare can't help but giggle. "You should look at your face," she says shyly.
"Clare, I don't want to pressure you into anything," he says seriously. "I know about your ring and your vow and... er, I can live without this."
But I can't, thinks Clare, and this thought surprises her.
"I trust you," says Clare quietly.
Eli's expression changes, and she can see the lust in his eyes as his hand moves to Clare's back, swiftly unhooking her bra. Clare lets out a little gasp when Eli's fingers slide under her bra, barely touching her sensitive skin.
"Fuck," breathes Eli, crushing his lips against Clare's. Their kissing is different now, its full of want and electricity, and Clare arches her back as Eli continues to touch her. It feels amazing, and a million sensations are running through her body, and she wants more and more.
Eli's lips move to her neck, his tongue making her shiver as he traces circles on her skin with it. He starts unbuttoning her blouse and she lets him, not because she feels that she needs to let him do it, but because she wants him to do it. She doesn't want to overthink this.
Eli places kisses all over her collarbone, then he pushes aside the bra and his mouth is on her breasts, her stomach, everywhere. Every single spot he kisses it's like he's leaving a mark, she can feel how her skin is burning, and Clare had never felt like this before. Eli moves up and kisses her on the lips again, and then he chuckles against his lips.
"What?" Clare asks, wondering if she's doing something wrong.
"You're just too fucking perfect," he says, and then he collapses next to her, quickly wrapping his arms around her.
"You stopped," says Clare, trying to not sound too disappointed.
"I don't want to do, um, stuff in here," says Eli. "People come in here all the time, Ross Hall's residents have no respect for personal boundaries. Just like my parents. I will never forget that time when I was with Julia and-"
Eli stops talking, and he stares at the ceiling instead. Clare's chest is pressed against his, so she can feel how Eli's heartbeat is too fast, how his heart seems to be threatening to burst out of his chest. Eli remains silent, so Clare takes this opportunity to slide her hands between them and fix her clothing, and then she kisses him on the cheek.
"Talk to me," says Clare.
"Ha, I don't know if you want to hear my sob story," he mumbles, cuddling closer to her.
"Tell me yours, I'll tell you mine," says Clare, taking in Eli's scent and warmth.
"Um... Julia was my first girlfriend," he says shakily. "Imogen, Adam, Julia and yours truly used to hang out all the time. Good times."
"What happened?" asks Clare.
"Julia died," says Eli heavily. "She got hit by a drunk driver while she was riding her bike... It was horrible. I can't forget the funeral; they had a closed-casket ceremony and all. I was never able to see her again."
"I'm so sorry," says Clare sincerely, kissing him on the cheek again.
"Yeah... well," says Eli, clearing his throat. "Stuff happens."
"Is that why you're so... guarded?" asks Clare.
"Perhaps," says Eli numbly. "I don't know. My life has been a little messed up ever since she died... I spent much of my time trying to find the bastard who killed her. The guy or woman drove off after the accident. I still don't know who it was. My belief in god was already in trouble at the time, but I lost all faith after that."
"God's actions are hard to understand sometimes," says Clare softly.
"Well, if he does exist, he's kind of a dick," says Eli spitefully. "Sorry. I... Sorry."
Clare holds him closer and Eli does the same, giving her a sad smile. "What's your sob story, Edwards?"
"Nothing compared to this," says Clare in embarrassment.
"Aw, a nun hit you with a ruler?" teases Eli.
"Yes! I couldn't move my hands for days," says Clare sarcastically.
"Wow, you deserve an award for that," continues Eli. "Seriously, when you wake in the morning I bet you only need two more miracles to be a saint."
"The funny thing is, they used to call me Saint Clare at my old school," says Clare sadly. "I was very... conservative and withdrawn. I changed when I started dating K.C, but I was still too much of a prude, apparently.
"Meh, Guthrie turned into a bully anyway," says Eli dismissively. "He wasn't worth your time."
"Yeah...Clare stops, realizing something. "Wait. How do you know his last name? And how do you know that he turned into a bully?"
"You told me," says Eli quickly.
"I did?" asks Clare, raising an eyebrow. She doesn't remember ever mentioning that to Eli, but if he says she did... No, wait. She really never mentioned this to him. How does he know?
"Eli-" starts Clare, but Eli's phone starts ringing and he moves away from her. "Yeah?" says Eli into the speaker. "Are you ready?"
Clare lies there, realizing that she really doesn't know Eli at all. Her feelings for him are too complicated right now, and this, well, sucks.
"Clare," says Eli, hanging up. You said you trust me, right?"
Clare sits on the bed and fixes her hair, nodding. Eli seems hesitant before speaking, and he digs his hands in his pockets, not looking directly at her.
"I have something to show you."
xxxxxxx
The Wilson building has been neglected for years now. The only reasons why the school hasn't gotten rid of it is due to budget issues, and because it's of sentimental value to the TU alumni. Stories of intense partying and mysterious disappearances are part of the building, and Clare has heard way too many anecdotes from Jake.
And this is where Sadie was found, thinks Clare anxiously.
But now they're heading over there, Eli's hand holding Clare's tightly, and she feels dizzy. Eli looks around to make sure that no one is following them, and he takes a key out of his pocket, unlocking the front door. They walk down the hallway in silence, their footsteps echoing and loud, and Clare notices that everything looks clean and tidy. She expected ruins and dirt, but it seems that someone has been attending to the building.
Eli stops in front of two heavy wooden doors, and Clare can hear people talking on the other side. Eli turns around, his face flushes, and he lets go of Clare's hand.
"They know we're friends, but only Adam and Imogen know what's really going on between us," explains Eli. "I don't want the rest of them to know yet."
"Them?" blurts Clare. Eli considers her for a second and then gulps, his features tainted with nerves.
"I trust you," says Eli, still sounding cautious. You have to promise me that you will never talk about what you're going to see tonight. I had my doubts about you witnessing this part of my life, but Imogen insisted to, um, let you in."
"Okay," says Clare slowly, barely able to breathe.
"Do you promise to never talk about this?" asks Eli seriously.
"I promise," nods Clare, her heartbeats betraying her. All this lying is getting to her, and she doesn't know if she will able to hold on any longer. Because it's a fact that she's irrevocably falling for Eli, and hurting him is the last thing she wants to do.
But she's doing it for Jake. She made a promise to Jake first, and if that means that she has to break her promise to Eli, so be it.
"In that room," says Eli, pointing at the door in front of them. "My name is not Eli."
"Really?" mocks Clare, trying to lighten the mood. "What is it, then?"
Eli takes a deep breath, placing his hand on the doorknob, and he looks at Clare straight in the eye like he never has before.
"It's Quicksilver."
Clare doesn't even have time to wrap her mind about what Eli just said, but he's already pulling her into the old classroom, and people are standing around, drinking and talking. There is a faint smell of weed coming from the far corner of the room, and she sees how Eli wrinkles his nose in disgust at it.
"Guys, not in here," he says.
The room goes suddenly silent, and Clare glances all over the place, her heart thudding. Drew Torres, his girlfriend Bianca, Zane Park, Katie Matlin, Adam Torres, Imogen Moreno, Declan and his sister, Fiona. They're are all here.
"What is she doing here?" snaps Fiona.
"Where's Pica?" asks Eli, ignoring Fiona.
"Won't be able to make it... she's busy," shrugs Zane, smiling at Clare.
"What's going on?" mutters Clare.
"As all of you know, Clare here stood up for Imogen the other day," says Eli proudly. People murmur their approval and Imogen lets out a little squeal.
"Protecting one of us is quite an admirable thing," says Declan, raising his glass of champagne.
"One of us?" asks Clare, feigning ignorance. "I don't understand..."
"We're Acuity," says Adam brightly. "We're a secret society on campus. This society has been around since the 80s, and it was founded by someone we like to call... Snake."
"What do you guys do in here?" asks Clare, feeling like she's about to pass out.
"Ah, one thing at a time," says Eli, smirking. "Let me introduce you to everyone in here."
"I know him," says Clare, pointing at Drew, who blushes intensely. Bianca shoots Clare a dirty look and wraps an arm around Drew possessively.
"So this is why you grew distant from Alli," mentions Clare casually, looking at Drew.
"Yeah, I... yeah," says Drew sheepishly, gazing adoringly into Bianca's eyes.
"You already know I'm Quicksilver," says Eli. "Adam is Aeon, Katie is Astir, Zane is Beam, Declan is Charmer, Fiona is Posh-Eli's lips curl up when he says this, Imogen is Foxy, Bianca is Pas, and Drew is Jock. Pica isn't here today, she rarely makes it to meetings, but you'll get to know her eventually."
"Is she joining?" asks Katie, narrowing her eyes. "Isn't she like, friends with Jake Martin?"
"No, not anymore," says Eli crossly. "Or did you miss the fight they had weeks ago?"
"Well, last time I talked to him he seemed very vague about the nature of his relationship with Clare," says Katie simply, crossing her arms.
"Ignore her," says Eli, rolling his eyes. "Clare, we want you to join Acuity. You're perfect for it."
"What?" scoffs Katie.
"Yay!" says Imogen happily, running over to Clare and hugging her tightly. "I really like you, Clare Edwards!
"Um, thanks," blushes Clare as Imogen lets go.
"I don't see why not," shrugs Adam, giving Eli a knowing smile.
"No complaints from me," says Declan, glaring at Fiona, who still seems upset about the whole thing. Katie says nothing and continues to stare blankly at Clare, and Zane gives Eli the thumbs up.
"What do I have to do?" asks Clare.
"You already did something to earn your place... protecting Imogen," nods Eli. "Soon you will find out why this is relevant. And…" Eli shows his tattoo, and then beckons the rest of the group to do the same.
Adam turns around and Clare can see the circle on the back of his neck; Katie lifts her shirt from the back to reveal a circle on her lower back; Bianca has the tattoo located on her ankle; Drew has it on his shoulder blade. Zane smiles kindly at her as he shows the circle on his upper arm; Declan makes Clare blush when he lifts his shirt to show the circle on his chest. Fiona hesitates before showing the tattoo on the back of her ear, and Imogen happily shows hers, which is next to her belly button.
"This is why you asked me about getting a tattoo," says Clare.
"Yes," nods Eli. "So, are you in?"
Clare looks at the group and then back at Eli, and everything seems suddenly connected. She needs to find out what this society had to do with Sadie's death, with Dave dropping out. The only way to solve this mystery, to help Jake, is to join Acuity. She never expected to get this lucky, and she tries to push away the thoughts of imminent betrayal that are currently haunting her.
"I... Yes. I'm in."