Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.
Author's note: Thanks for the reviews! Happy birthday to summersetlights. Panic references in this chapter just for you. Only for you.
"What did I get into, now everything is untrue
Oh, your eyes tell the lies of the lines that you said
And now that I love you…
Oh, I wish we'd never met."
Young Love | Gavin DeGraw
Jake scrapes the last remains of his pasta with his fork, eating eagerly as he yaps away with his mouth full. However, Clare is just staring at her plate, not knowing how she's going to be able to break up with Jake.
She managed to distract herself the entire morning by visiting Alli, who is still in a state of shock and denial. Clare felt helpless as her best friend sobbed into her shoulder, holding on to her tightly. Alli still doesn't want to talk about Dave, but Clare understands… it was all too tragic.
And all of this happened because of Acuity. This is what makes Clare's feelings for Eli so complicated and terrifying.
"And then Anya single-handedly made the entire server crash," chuckles Jake, wiping his mouth clumsily with the napkin. " It was hilarious. Things were pretty odd at the paper today, ha."
Clare gives Jake a tired smile, still quiet, and Jake's smile disappears as he frowns.
"Is there something wrong?" he asks in concern.
"We… we need to talk," says Clare quietly, and Jake puts his fork down.
"Whoa, sounds serious," swallows Jake. "Um… what's up?"
Clare buries her fingernails in the palm of her hand, feeling extremely awkward. This had been her dream for months, to have a relationship with Jake... and here she is, throwing it all away from some guy that makes her feel more than butterflies in her stomach.
She's letting go of safety to plunge into the dangerous unknown. Taking a risk had never been so frightening, but Clare knows that she can't back out this time.
"I don't think it's going to work out," says Clare carefully. "Between us."
"What do you mean?" asks Jake, still not taking it seriously.
"We need to break up this… whatever we're having." Clare tries to steady her breathing, nerves getting the best of her.
"Oh." Jake seems confused for a moment, and then he bursts out laughing. "You're joking, right?"
"No… I…" Clare can't look at him directly, and she can feel the tears stinging her eyes. "I need a break from us. I will continue to help you with the article but-"
"Is it because of that night?" asks Jake. "Did we go too far? Because Clare, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable with me, we've been friends since forever and…"
"That's the thing," says Clare sadly. "We're friends."
Jake's lips part and he looks desolated, making Clare feel like utter crap. Jake snorts in disbelief, grasping the edge of the table, the only sound in the room coming from the old refrigerator.
"Clare…" Jake's voice breaks, and he gulps as he gapes at her in incredulity. "Don't do this to me. I… I love you."
"I'm sorry," says Clare tearfully, and Jake stands up, pushing the chair away. He looks straight at her and there is fury in his eyes, and she has never seen him look so upset.
"Is it because of him?" says Jake spitefully. "Holly J hinted… she said that you might… Fuck, do you like him?"
"No!" blurts Clare, and Jake walks out of the kitchen. "Jake! This isn't about Eli! I'm not interested in him at all!"
"Do you swear?" snaps Jake, moving closer to her. "Because I will kill him, Clare. I will fucking kill him. I'll kill him tonight."
"You're shaking," says Clare, grasping Jake's hands. But Jake lets go of her, looking at her as if he were staring at a complete stranger. Jake paces back and forth, muttering to himself, saying things that Clare can't understand. Then all of a sudden, he stops.
"Because you do know that I'm going to find out everything, right?" says Jake, narrowing his eyes. "So you better not be feeding me false information or…"
"No, I'm not!" says Clare hysterically. "Jake, no, I swear!"
"Tell me the names," says Jake darkly. "Tell me who is in Acuity. Because you know by now, don't you?"
Clare stares at him helplessly, and Jake walks over to the coffee table. When he comes back he hands Clare a pen and his reporter's notebook, his expression impatient.
"What are you waiting for?" breathes Jake.
"I…"
"Because we're still friends right?" insists Jake. "Right?"
Clare thinks of Eli, about how he opened up about Sadie and Dave… she thinks of Imogen and her tears…
"Right. Yes… right."
xxxxxxxxxxxx
"You look tired!"
Imogen sits next to her at the table, wearing a ridiculous pair of green shoes and a bright red dress. She is staring intently at Clare, as if trying to figure out something, but Clare only shrugs and chews on her waffles.
She couldn't sleep, so she decided to e-mail Darcy, telling her everything. She figured that it wouldn't hurt to let her sister know about one of the biggest problems she has ever faced. Clare hopes that Darcy will reply soon.
"Didn't have time to eat breakfast at home," says Clare miserably. "That's why I ended up here."
"How's your friend?" asks Imogen. "Alli? Is that her name? She used to date Drew, right?"
"Yes," says Clare. "She's… okay."
"Good," nods Imogen approvingly. "Sorry for running away yesterday. I'm weird."
Imogen says this in such a refreshing way that Clare can't help but smile at her. "Don't worry about it," says Clare.
"Sadie was so nice to me, always," sighs Imogen, resting her arms on the table and burying her face in them. "You're so nice to me too. I know you would never hurt me or anything, I just-"
Imogen goes on and on, but the ever-present guilt doesn't allow Clare to listen to Imogen's rant. Flashbacks from the previous night decide to emerge instead, making everything worse.
Jake smirks as he reads the list, and pockets it quickly.
"Thanks," he says dryly.
"Jake, just be careful," warns Clare. Jake gives her cold, calculating look, and he seems to be trying to collect himself.
"I'll be fine," he mutters before walking out.
"Hello," says Adam politely as he joins them at the table.
"Hey, hi-" starts Clare, but soon enough she realizes that all of Acuity is joining her. Imogen moves from her seat and Eli takes it, giving Clare a flirtatious grin.
"Clare Edwards," says Eli quietly. "What are you doing tonight?"
"Not my initiation," blurts Clare nervously. "Not yet, right?"
"Not the entire thing," says Declan, lowering his voice. "Just the…"
He points at the back of Fiona's ear, and Clare understands. The tattoo.
"Two members have to go with you," drawls Katie, looking absolutely bored. "It's in the rule book."
"Katie, nobody cares about the damn book," says Fiona, rolling her eyes.
"It has to be a female and a male," says Katie, ignoring Fiona.
"Oh, oh!" says Imogen, rising her hand. Fiona gives her a dirty look, and Imogen slumps miserably in her seat.
"Eli has to go, since he's the leader and everything," says Zane. "I would be delighted to come along."
"Um, sure," nods Clare, feeling a bit suffocated. "I want Imogen to come along, though…"
Imogen smiles widely, but Fiona glares at her again, something that Eli fails to notice. For someone who is so protective of Imogen, Clare finds it weird that Eli is so oblivious to this.
"What about Pica?" asks Declan. "Or Bianca what if-"
Bianca resurfaces from the intense kiss she is sharing with Drew and shakes her head. Drew looks dazed as their kissing resumes, and Zane looks at them with disgust.
"I'll go," says Katie, closing the book. "I really want to see how Clare reacts to um, getting a tattoo."
Katie says this in an absolutely menacing way, her smile taunting and cold.
"Where's Pica, by the way?" frowns Adam, putting an arm around Katie. "Haven't seen her in forever."
"Pica is one of our most secretive members," says Eli, noticing Clare's confused expression. "She rarely attends meetings because she's always busy. Took me a year to meet her. So, don't be surprised if it takes you the same amount of time."
"Oh okay," says Clare sheepishly, and Eli smirks warmly at her.
"Oops, time for class," says Fiona daintily. "Katie, Imogen, care to join me?"
Imogen begrudgingly follows the girls, looking longingly at Clare and Eli, and gives them a little wave. Clare can't help but think that Katie absolutely hates her, because she glares at her from the corner of her eye as she's giving Adam a goodbye kiss.
The rest of the group bids their goodbyes, leaving Eli and Clare all alone in record time.
"We have a class as well," says Eli, brushing the tip of Clare's nose with his finger.
"Yes, and we're going to be late," grins Clare, and Eli's eyes are full of sudden want. She blushes, and Eli's mouth twitches in amusement as his hand rests on Clare's knees, his fingers teasing the fabric.
"Come on," mumbles Clare, standing up and grabbing her bag. She looks up and sees Jake staring at her, definite heartbreak on his face, but he breaks eye contact as he turns to talk to Holly J.
They leave the dining hall and Clare can feel Eli's hand brushing hers as they walk, and this thrills her. They sneak side glances at each other, both of them smiling, and Eli sighs as they approach the exit of the building.
"Guys!"
Eli and Clare turn around and they see Wesley approaching him, his curly hair a complete disaster. His eyes are red and he smells a little, like he hasn't taken a shower in a while.
"I need to talk to you," he gasps.
"Aren't you Dave's friend?" asks Eli, rising an eyebrow.
"Please, I… Please!" Wesley says, sounding like he's on the verge of tears.
"What's wrong?" asks Clare, and Wesley glances around in terror before grabbing them both by their sleeves.
"What the fuck!" exclaims Eli, and Clare just feels herself being dragged along.
"Dave left me something," says Wesley hurriedly as he pushes Eli and Clare into the restrooms.
"These are for guys only!" squeaks Clare as Wesley leads them into a stall. The three of them are way too close for comfort, and Eli is scoffing in annoyance as Wesley looks at them anxiously.
"See?" Wesley holds a tiny envelope and opens it, handing the piece of paper to Eli.
"It can't buy you happiness," reads Eli. "Thanks for the fortune cookie memo, but why should I care about this?"
"I don't know!" says Wesley desperately. "Hours before Dave died he kept telling me to watch out, that the enemies were close… and then something about Sadie telling him this. He said that you needed to know… He told me to keep this just in case… That this is the only way to find out what really happened to… um… what's her name… "
"Wesley, you're being awfully vague," says Clare, noticing the tension in Eli's jaw.
"He said something about Janice… no… Jane?" winces Wesley, and Eli scoffs again.
"Okay, I think I'm ready to go," says Eli, unlocking the door. Clare trails after him, leaving Wesley in the stall, but then the boy yells a name, the only name that could cause Eli to turn around and breathe unsteadily.
"Julia! That's the name, yeah."
Clare has never seen Eli look so broken, not even when he was talking about Sadie's death. The look in his eyes breaks her heart, but when she reaches out to touch his arm he shrugs her off, his eyes fixed on Wesley.
The vulnerability is gone.
"Julia?" asks Eli cynically.
"Yeah!" grins Wesley.
"Sadie… fuck," Eli leans against the wall, and he looks sick. "Did she find out who killed Julia? But this makes no sense. Why would Sadie get killed over that? What does this have to do with Acuity having a traitor? This happened years ago, didn't it?"
"Eli, calm down," says Clare, wrapping her arms around him, and Eli hugs her back.
"This is so confusing," says Eli into Clare's ear.
"So? Does this help?" asks Wesley, but they are interrupted by the sudden flow of guys entering the bathroom. Clare gets a lot of curious stares, so Eli grabs her by the hand and they walk out, Wesley trailing after them.
"I don't know," admits Eli. "Just… give me time to process this."
"Can we talk about it?" asks Wesley eagerly.
"What… no… Just…" Eli walks away and Clare glances at Wesley, not knowing what to say.
"He was my friend, Eli!" cries Wesley, and some people mutter and stare. "They both were."
Eli licks his lips and smiles the saddest of smiles before fixing his eyes on the ground. Clare wants to start crying, the heartache of seeing two guys so desolate too much to handle.
"I know. And I'm sorry."
But Eli doesn't seem able to say anything else, and Wesley groans in frustration before stomping away.
"Can we skip class?" asks Eli, sounding hurt. "Let's just go to my dorm until it's time to… you know."
Clare nods, knowing that she shouldn't skip any more classes. Her head hurts from the intensity about what just happened, even if she doesn't understand half of what's going on.
Danger is in the air, and it's making everything unbearable.
xxxxxxx
"She was like smoke… almost like a fancy pirouette," says Eli softly as Clare wraps her arms around his waist, both of them cuddling in Eli's bed. "Was that too corny? Sorry, I just… yeah, that's how I remember her."
"I would've liked to meet Julia," says Clare, enjoying the warmth of the boy next to her.
"She was pretty cool," sighs Eli. "Our relationship was kind of fragmented before she died… I think we would've broken up if the accident hadn't happened. But we would have remained friends, I'm sure of that."
Eli's shirt rides up a little, and Clare's fingertips are in contact with his skin. She kisses him on the cheek, knowing that nothing she could say would help, but she just wants him to know that she's not going anywhere.
Not yet.
"And it's funny, because after her death all these rumors about me came up," snorts Eli. "It was as if I was suddenly someone I had never met. And same when Sadie died… it just brought back memories. It was high school all over again."
"I thought… I used to think you had something to do with it," confesses Clare.
"Really?"
"Yes."
Eli flips over, his face close to Clare's, and she smiles at him. Eli smirks, delight in his eyes as he leans in for a kiss. The kiss hurts for some reason, and maybe it's because Clare knows that she hasn't been completely honest with him.
"Eli," she whispers against his lips.
"Don't say anything," he pleads. "Just kiss me."
He sounds distressed and depressed, as if this is the last kiss they will ever share, and Clare slowly closes the gap between them.
xxxxxxxx
Clare can't see a thing. It would be really nice if she could see at least a sliver of light, but no, nothing.
"This is dumb," she pouts.
"The location is secret," chuckles Eli from somewhere.
"I haven't seen Rosso in ages," says Katie excitedly. "When I talked to him on the phone today he said that he had some visitors, but that we would happy to see them as well."
"That sounds intriguing," mocks Zane, who is sitting next to Clare, holding her hand.
"Does it hurt?" winces Clare.
"Nah, not really," says Eli, sounding reassuring. "It's not a big tattoo, it only stings a little."
"My mother would kill me if she knew," says Clare rebelliously.
"We're here," announces Katie, and the car comes to a sudden stop. Clare keeps holding on to Zane's hand as they exit the car, and she can hear the gravel crunching underneath her feet. They stop walking for a moment, and Clare listens when somebody knocks three times on what she assumes is a door.
"Quicksilver, Astir… Beam," whispers Eli, and the door creaks open. Zane pulls her in and the air smells like ink and alcohol, and she wants to hold her breath to avoid getting dizzy.
"Is this the new kid?" a raspy, monotone voice asks.
The blindfold is finally removed from Clare's eyes and she blinks, trying to adjust to the dim light. Katie is cocking an eyebrow at her, Eli is expressionless, and Zane is smiling.
A young man walks over to her and peers into her eyes before breaking into a wry smile, his longish blond hair framing his pale face. "Paragon, eh?" he asks, glancing at Eli.
"Known as Clare Edwards in normal life," nods Eli.
"Hi, I'm Rosso," he says, extending his hand. Clare shakes it nervously, tucking a curl behind her ear with her free hand. "Otherwise known as Johnny DiMarco."
Laughter emerges from another room in the house, and Johnny asks them to follow. Eli and Clare walk side by side, bumping into each other in the narrow hallway. Katie keeps looking back and glaring at them, and Clare wants to ask her what her problem is.
A young couple is holding hands and drinking wine in the spacious living room, laughing loudly as they go over some photo albums.
"Wrench!" says Eli happily. "Singer!"
"Ah, Eli, you sly dog," says the man with the cap, standing up and giving Eli a tight hug. "Sorry, Quicksilver, Quicksilver."
"We can use our real names, this is not an official meeting," says Johnny impatiently.
"Clare, this is Jay Hogart and his girlfriend, Manny Santos," says Eli, pointing at the couple. "I first met them when Johnny recruited me and they're like my fake parents."
"Because you're so cute," beams Manny, pinching Eli's cheeks. "Nice to meet you, Clare. Is she here to get a tattoo?"
"Yeah, I am," says Clare finally able to speak. "I'm kind of nervous."
"Don't be," says Manny, placing a hand on her shoulder. "It's no big deal. Where are you getting it?"
"Um…" Clare looks at Eli, words failing her.
"You need to pick a spot… a spot where you've been hurt," says Eli serenely, and Johnny crosses his arms as he leans against one of the walls.
"What do you mean?" asks Clare, feeling terribly confused.
Eli pulls the collar of his t-shirt, exposing his tattoo. "When I was nine, this bully punched me in the collarbone," explains Eli. "I couldn't breathe, and then he started punching me again. I got home later that night, and my mother saw the bruise."
"We've all been attacked," says Zane sweetly. "One way or another. You'll learn more about this once you're inducted."
"What about your wrist?" suggests Eli.
"I've never been hurt there," frowns Clare, unconsciously glancing at her wrist.
"What about that time when K.C grabbed you?" asks Eli neutrally, and Clare's heart stops.
Someone is following her, swiftly, effortlessly.
Someone grabs her by the wrist and pulls her in. Lips clash, hungry and eager.
They pull away from each other, the night surrounding them both.
Clare holds her breath as she pulls the man closer to her.
But this doesn't feel right.
And suddenly, it's not night. It's the middle of her high school hallway, and her lower lip is bleeding.
She looks at the bruises on her wrist and knows that this is definitely not right.
"What?" gasps Clare, the secret she has been denying to herself for years rushing back to her. "How did you know this?"
"You told me," shrugs Eli, but Clare will not let it go this time.
"No, I didn't," replies Clare coldly. "I haven't told anyone about that. It was only one time and-"
"We know things," interjects Johnny. "We do our research before asking someone to join us. We're a serious society, you know."
"Are you guys… but this was years ago!" blurts Clare emotionally. "This is an invasion of my privacy!"
Clare can't take this anymore; she storms out of the living room and walks into the narrow hallway, her steps hurried and frenzied, but a hand grabs gently her by the wrist.
"Don't go."
It's not Eli, it's Katie. She is not glaring at her anymore, she just looks tired. "You will understand in due time why we know so much about you… you will know as much about us as well," says Katie peacefully.
"I still don't know what this society does, and it's freaking me out," complains Clare.
"And if you leave right now, you will never find out," deadpans Katie, letting go of her. "So are you leaving? Or are you staying?"
Katie's fingers are still etched on Clare's wrist, and memories of K.C holding her brusquely bring tears to her eyes. She was so intent on burying that incident that her mind had obscured it, making it unapproachable.
"He wants you in it," says Katie, breaking the silence. "Eli wants you in Acuity. And if you trust him, you should trust us."
Clare's eyes meet with Katie's, and the girl's usually hard expression softens considerably.
"Okay," nods Clare, and Katie smiles.