Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.
Author's note: Just a few chapters left! My intention is to post the epilogue next week before classes start… so, again, thank you so much for your reviews! This chapter is set a week after last.
"I'm burning and I'm blacking my lungs.
Boy, you know it feels good with fire back on your tongue.
If you talk, you better walk, you better back your shit up.
With more than good hooks while you're all under the gun."
London Beckoned Songs About Money Written by Machines | Panic! At The Disco
"You know, Clare, I don't have all the time in the world…"
"Hold on, Darcy… OUCH!"
Clare hits her ankle as she runs into her drawer, her laptop lying on the bed as she approaches it. Her sister is smiling right at her, looking happy and healthy. After months of no contact, they are finally able to talk via webcam, just because Darcy insisted.
"How's Alli?" asks Darcy, frowning in concern.
"She's doing better, still shaken," says Clare, rubbing her eyes. "I spent the day with her yesterday… she is more talkative, but she still doesn't want to talk about that night."
"Poor thing," says Darcy, drinking from her coffee mug. "Okay, let's talk about that email you sent me."
Clare swallows uneasily, bracing herself for the lecture. It seemed like a good idea to email Darcy at the time, she was so desperate to tell the truth to someone. She's not so sure about it anymore.
"How dare you send me that email?" mocks Darcy, adjusting the webcam. "I've been reading it over and over… Who knew? My innocent little sister, dating two guys at the same time… while trying to figure out a murder…"
"I'm just dating one of them now,' says Clare, lying flat on her stomach as she fixes her bangs.
"Good, Jake is the nicest guy," says Darcy, glancing at her fingernails. "Although I don't approve of this mess he's gotten you in. I can't believe he's now a journalist, I used to clean his face after eating ice cream and-"
"I chose Eli." Clare looks away from the screen, embarrassed, and Darcy lets out an exasperated sigh.
"This kid is going to end up fucking with your head," says Darcy sternly as Clare decides to look at the computer again. "Sorry for the cussing, little sister, but seriously. From what I got reading your email… Eli equals trouble."
"I… I know," admits Clare. "But I love him."
Darcy's eyes widen at Clare's words, and her lips are parted in shock. "Love? Like… love love? Not infatuation… but love?"
"Yes!" says Clare. "I… tried so hard not to fall for him, but I love him, Darcy. And I don't know what to do anymore."
And Clare thinks of the past few days, the stolen kisses in secluded locations, Eli's texts, his fingers sliding over her body, his laughter… She loves everything about Eli, and it shouldn't be like this. Because it will end, she knows it.
"What if he is a murderer?" says Darcy in a low tone. "Or what if he's covering up for someone? Clare, you were always the pragmatic one!"
Clare sighs and fumbles with the keyboard, avoiding Darcy's face. Darcy goes on and on about the many virtues of Jake, of how this is all their parents' faults for getting divorced, that Clare isn't thinking straight.
"Shut up!" Clare finally yells, fixing her bangs again.
"Is that a tattoo?" gasps Darcy. "Clare Diana, is that a tattoo?"
"Okay, I just wanted advice," says Clare angrily, pulling up her sleeve. "But you're obviously judging me, so…"
"No, I only want you to be happy," says Darcy serenely. Clare watches as a shirtless guy walks by in the background, and realizes that it must be Darcy's new boyfriend. Darcy is oblivious to this, and continues to address Clare.
"Tell Jake you won't help him," insists Darcy. "Get out of this mess while you still can."
Clare touches the screen and winces helplessly, trying to fight back tears. Her initiation will happen sometime today, Eli asked her to meet at the library. There is no turning back now, not with Acuity, and certainly not with her feelings for Eli.
"I can't," Clare whispers. "It's too late."
xxxxxxxx
"In a few minutes, huh. And you said you're taking your camera with you, right?"
Clare nods, and Jake is looking out the window, his jaw clenched. They haven't talked much during the week because Jake is as distant as ever, but Holly J is growing impatient and Clare knows that deadline is approaching. Clare readjusts the strap of her bag, the bag feeling heavy with her camera and change of clothes. Eli said that "it wouldn't hurt" to bring some extra clothes, the hint making Clare even more nervous.
"Will you tell me everything?" asks Jake, glancing at her. His eyes are full of hurt, and he hesitates before moving closer to her.
"Yes," lies Clare. Because she has made a decision in her mind. She won't tell them the true purpose of Acuity; she'll make up something. Clare cares too much about Eli to destroy him, and that's why she will also tell him the truth tonight.
She doesn't even care about Sadie anymore. She really doesn't. Or Dave. Clare wants to be selfish for once, and be happy. And maybe if she is completely honest with Eli and asks for forgiveness, maybe it will happen. Maybe.
"Am I losing you?" asks Jake wretchedly. "As a friend?"
"No, I've been busy… working for you," says Clare, reminding him of their deal. "I'm sorry. I should have known that things would be awkward if we didn't work out."
"You decided that," says Jake, his tone now cold and once again distant. "You're the one who said that we're not meant to be. I beg to differ."
Jake grabs Clare gently by the collar of her denim jacket, and looks into her eyes. She can feel the heat in the tiny space, and she's glad that there is no one in the newsroom but them. Jake leans in, and Clare's eyelids flutter, confused.
"Detective Mason says that all leads point to Eli," says Jake quietly. "At least in Sadie's death. He is surely involved in Dave's as well. This is why I need to know about Acuity tonight."
"And you will," breathes Clare.
"Jake, what-" Anya is standing there, her arms holding several books and files. Her eyes travel from Clare to Jake and then back to Clare, looking slightly shocked.
Clare takes several steps back, blushing intensely, and Anya is still gaping at her.
"I'm ready," says Jake as Anya places the books and files on the desk. Jake then looks at Clare; a side smile appearing on his lips. "Anya and I are writing this huge story about budget cuts. Research is needed."
"I have to leave anyway," mutters Clare, and Anya is still glaring at her for some reason.
"You don't want to be late for your thing," winks Jake.
"Thing?" asks Anya curiously.
Clare shrugs and walks out of the newsroom as her phone starts to vibrate. She flips it open and sees that it's a text from Eli, and she knows that it's time for her initiation.
She has never walked so fast in her life.
xxxxxxx
Acuity certainly has a penchant for blindfolding people, because Clare finds herself in the same situation she went through a week ago. She doesn't know where they're headed, she just got into the back of the hearse with some of the members of Acuity, and Imogen blindfolded her.
Clare is sure that it's been at least an hour since the ride started, and the silence is driving her insane. She wonders what happened to her bag, if Katie is going through it or what, but Clare knows that nothing incriminating is in there.
The hearse finally stops moving, and Clare sighs with relief as Eli kills the engine. She hears doors opening, leaves crunching underneath feet, and soon she's pulled out of the hearse. They walk for a few minutes, still silent, and the scent of pine makes Clare sneeze a few times.
"Sorry," she mumbles, but nobody says a thing.
"Ah, you're here." Declan's voice greets them warmly, and someone lets go of Clare's hand. Clare stands helplessly as she listens to the others mutter; she hears zippers unzip, some giggles, and she can't stand the uncertainty anymore.
"Okay, Clare Edwards. Are you ready?" asks Drew, his tone business-like.
"Yeah," says Clare eagerly, and suddenly, she can finally see. They're in the middle of what seems to be a forest, or a really remote park. All of the members of Acuity are wearing black robes, and Drew hands her a gray one, his smile tentative. Clare slips it on and Eli beckons her to join them around the fire, and she stands between Zane and Fiona.
"Bringing the fair to the unfair," says Eli loudly, and everyone claps. "That is our mission. We are here today to welcome a new member, Clare Edwards. She will bid goodbye to her name and embrace a new one. Edwards, please tell us your Acuity name."
"P-Paragon," she stutters.
"Paragon," the group echoes solemnly.
"Paragon, do you promise to join Acuity's fight against unfairness?" asks Katie coldly. "Do you promise to help Acuity in its mission to stop bullying, no matter what?"
"Yes," says Clare.
"Paragon, do you swear to never reveal the secrets of Acuity?" asks Zane, giving her a little smile.
"I swear," squeaks Clare.
"Paragon, do you swear that you will never betray us?" asks Fiona, and there is something in the way the fire reflects in her eyes, because Clare is shivering uncontrollably.
"I won't ever betray you," gasps Clare, feeling lightheaded. Eli moves from his position and walks over to Clare, holding something that resembles a black rug.
"Are you fully aware of the responsibilities and risks in Acuity?" he asks.
A smirk is threatening to take over Eli's lips, and Clare feels somewhat safe.
"I am," says Clare, sounding braver than she feels.
xxxxxxxx
"It wasn't that bad."
"Sorry?" asks Eli, moving closer as a bottle of beer dangles from his fingertips. Everybody is laughing as Adam's marshmallow catches fire, and Fiona starts dancing along to a pop song Zane started singing. Everybody has removed their robes just to reveal normal outfits, and Clare's shiny new black robe is lying next to her.
"The induction... I expected something scarier," admits Clare, holding on to her soda.
"We're not satanists, Clare," chuckles Eli, slurring a little. "We just hack into the school's systems and mess with admissions. Hardly a horror-movie subject. Did you expect us to feed you blood?"
"Something like it," blushes Clare, and Eli leans in. Clare pulls back, blushing furiously, remembering that most members in Acuity don't know about their relationship.
"Ah, fuck it," says Eli, dropping his beer and cupping Clare's face, pulling her close to him. Eli kisses her fervently, and catcalls are heard in the background.
"I knew it!" says Declan triumphantly, and Clare opens her eyes in shock, her heart beating extremely fast. Eli puts an arm around her shoulder and most of the Acuity members are giving them approving smiles. Except...
Imogen looks pale, but she already knew, right? Fiona has her lips pursed as she opens another can of Coke, and Katie crosses her arms, completely ignoring Adam's cheers.
"Adam is a genius, you know?" grins Eli. "He changed a dozen admission statuses last night, in like… five minutes. Amazing."
Clare can't say a word because she's feeling guilty, again. Will this feeling ever go away?
"The cabin belongs to the Coynes," mumbles Eli into her ear. "Isn't it beautiful?"
"Yeah..." says Clare, tearing her eyes off the girls who are looking at her in such strange ways.
"I'm going to get a book," says Fiona crossly, walking away.
"She's just pissed off," says Declan, holding up the bottle of champagne he has been enthusiastically drinking from. "She can't drink, and that always gets her in a bad mood."
"Why?" asks Drew as Bianca starts biting his earlobe playfully.
"A little incident... in the past," winks Declan. "Let's just say Fiona would be a great PSA for drinking and dr-"
"Declan! Can I have a sip?" blurts Imogen, grabbing the bottle from Declan. "Thanks!"
Imogen glances at Clare from the corner of her eye, and then the girl looks at Adam, who is staring uneasily at his sneakers. There is definitely something going on, but Eli doesn't seem to notice; he's too busy toying with the collar of Clare's jacket.
"Where's my bag?" asks Clare.
"I'll get it," says Eli, kissing her on the cheek before standing up. Clare watches him leave, and Katie walks over, taking Eli's seat.
"You will have your first assignment on Monday," says Katie, smiling a bit. "It will fun. I'll help you out since it's the first time you'll do something for us."
"That sounds good," says Clare, returning the smile.
"Sorry for... not being too accepting of you," says Katie quickly. "You were friends with Jake Martin and trust me, we don't like that guy."
"So I've heard," says Clare sarcastically.
"He's been trying to find out stuff about Acuity ever since he started working for the paper," sighs Katie, drawing circles on the ground with the tip of her shoe. "He's pretty good at being nosy, and it just got worse after Sadie's death. I don't know... I thought you were going to spy on us."
Clare's stomach feels heavy, and she smiles nervously. "No... I. No."
"I know that now," says Katie, patting her on the back. "Welcome to Acuity, Clare."
Katie smiles at her again before leaving, and when she joins the rest of the group, she kisses Adam in front of everyone. Clare sighs sadly, knowing that whenever she tells the truth to Eli, more than one person will hate her.
"Here." Eli has returned, and he's handing Clare her bag. Clare looks through it, and grins when she finds her camera.
"We should take some pictures," suggests Clare. "Have like... an Acuity album."
"Eh, I'm pretty sure that would compromise all of us," frowns Eli.
"No! Because we're just friends... hanging out," says Clare, and to be honest, she intends to keep the photos to herself. To hang on to something in case things go terribly wrong.
Fiona comes back, holding a book close to her chest, and she stares curiously at Eli and Clare. But Fiona says nothing, and she sits next to Zane, who hands her another soda.
"Guys!" calls Eli. "Look!"
Eli grabs Clare's camera and takes a picture, almost blinding all of them.
"Goddamn it, Eli," chuckles Adam. "Ah, I want to take a picture!"
Adam's first victim is Fiona, who awkwardly smiles at the camera while holding her drink. The polaroids are falling on the ground, and they're being collected by a very-hyper Imogen, who seems amazed at all the photos.
Soon enough, the only thing that people can listen to for miles is the laughter of young adults, followed by camera flashes and the promise of a night that will never end.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"You can stay with Imogen, if you want to," says Eli, looking down the hallway. The Coynes' cabin is incredibly spacious, with plenty of rooms for everyone. Clare didn't expect to stay overnight, but she guesses that that is the reason why Eli told her to bring clothes.
It's a night of taking chances, and Clare knows it. It doesn't make it any easier, or less scary, but she's sure of this.
"No, I want to stay with you," she says softly.
"Ah, literally sleeping together, huh?" teases Eli.
"I want to," says Clare, her voice breaking a little.
"Oh." Eli seems affronted and nervous by this, and he scratches his head pensively. "You... You want to... um, you do?"
Clare looks at him, their eyes meeting, hoping that's enough for Eli to understand. She doesn't want to say it out loud.
"Here?" frowns Eli. "I always pictured this differently. You were usually getting out of a wedding dress and I looked like an idiot wearing a tie."
Clare giggles at the mental image, wrapping her arms around Eli's neck. "That's sweet of you," she says sincerely. "But... I do want to spend the night with you. I love you and... I've been thinking about it."
"What about your vow?" whispers Eli as footsteps approach them.
"You guys can have the other master bedroom," says Fiona, handing them towels. "Drew and Bianca already, um, marked their territory in the main master bedroom. How classy."
Clare blushes and Fiona gives her a sympathetic look. "Hey, sorry if I've been a bitch," says Fiona bluntly. "I don't trust people easily. That's all."
"You're nice enough to let us stay here," says Clare shyly.
"Yeah... well... someone has to fund some of Acuity's adventures," winks Fiona. "This is nothing, really. Okay, Eli, you know where the other bedroom is. Make sure to behave."
Fiona leaves them alone, the sound of her heels scratching the floor mirroring Clare's heartbeats, and Eli laughs.
"Okay, um... let me find Drew," says Eli, blushing. "Um, er... the bedroom is just... um... fucking hell, Edwards, I can't talk."
"Upstairs?" suggests Clare.
"Yes, that," says Eli, holding on to the towels. "Just wait for me, okay?"
They look at each other one last time, and Clare walks away first, headed towards the stairs. She quickly finds the "other" master bedroom, her jaw dropping at the size of it. All this luxury shouldn't be allowed in a cabin, she's sure.
She puts the towels and her bag away, and Clare sits on the edge of the bed. She toys with her purity ring, taking it off and then putting it back on, and wonders what changed. She had always been so sure that she would wait until marriage, but it just seems right.
Or maybe she just wants this memory of Eli before everything goes to hell.
She waits for a few minutes, and soon Eli's footsteps are heard in the hallway, and Clare can barely catch her breath. Is it supposed to be this nerve-wracking?
"I had to see Drew naked," winces Eli as he closes the door behind him. "That was not cool."
"Why did you need to talk to him?" asks Clare amusedly.
"Um..." Eli shows Clare a shiny packet, and she realizes that it's a condom. He walks over to the nightstand, and places the condom on top of it, looking terrified. "Look, we really don't have to do this, Clare. I'm fine with just doing the stuff we've been doing, okay? Just because we're in this nice place, it doesn't mean that-"
"Why are you so eager in talking yourself out of this?" asks Clare, irritated. "I want to sleep with you, I do."
"Because... this is it," says Eli, and he sounds afraid. "Once this happens, it's like the ultimate commitment. After this, I will be a mess if you ever leave me."
Clare stands up and walks over to him, quickly crushing her lips against his. Eli kisses her back, wrapping his arms around her as he pushes her to the bed, and they make out furiously. Their kiss is wet and heavy, and Clare pulls on Eli's hair, wanting him to do more.
"Fuck," breathes Eli, taking off his jacket. He kisses Clare again, but gentler this time. His hand slides under Clare's shirt, and she jumps at his touch, realizing what's about to happen. But Clare doesn't want to turn back. She wants this.
Eli patiently removes all of Clare's clothing, and then he removes his own, less patient. Although Clare has seen him naked before, she still feels embarrassed at the sight of his skin, and even more bewildered at the fact that she is able to touch him.
Clare gasps as Eli gets on top of her, his lips torturing her neck, his fingers teasing her breasts. He's moving slowly and cautiously, as if afraid to hurt her. Clare whimpers when she feels Eli's tongue on her nipples, digging her fingers into his scalp. Everything feels so good, her body is on fire, and she trembles in anticipation.
Eli's finger pushes inside of her, and after a few seconds he adds another one, and it hurts a little. But Clare bites her lip soundlessly, enjoying the attention Eli is giving to the upper part of her body. She feels close to coming, and suddenly, Eli stops.
"Are you...?" Eli is asking for permission, and the lust in his voice is obvious.
"Yeah... yes," mumbles Clare, and Eli reaches for the nightstand. Clare lies on her back as she hears the packet being ripped open, and she gulps. It takes Eli a few seconds, and then he's back on top of her, kissing her cheek, neck, throat, lips. Clare absentmindedly spreads her legs, wondering if she's doing this right.
"I'll go slow," says Eli, his voice barely audible. Clare nods, knowing that Eli would never hurt her, and she moves her hands up and down his back.
She feels the pressure at once, and her body seems to break a little. A high gasp escapes her, and the pain makes her close her eyes for a moment. Eli is moving really, really slow, and Clare holds her breath as her body adjusts to the intrusion.
"Clare, I love you," says Eli, his body still.
"I love you too," smiles Clare, opening her eyes. She's sure that Eli can see the tears, because guilt comes across his face, and she smiles wider, trying to assure him that it's okay.
Eli's thrusts are gentle and slow, and Clare appreciates that. While it's not completely comfortable, it's not as bad as Alli made it sound. Clare is actually feeling some sort of pleasure, even if it hurts a little.
They kiss, and Eli starts moving slightly faster, causing Clare to dig her fingernails in his back. She has never felt so raw, so exposed... so loved. Clare knows that she will never be able to love someone the way she loves Eli, because now, she's given him the thing she valued the most.
She feels Eli's teeth sinking on her collarbone, his tongue quickly caressing the spot. Clare's fingernails dig deeper into his skin, and she wonders if she's hurting him, but part of her wants to leave a mark. She's his. She sure hopes so.
Clare can feel something building up, and the air is not breathable anymore. Eli is panting into her mouth, his groans dying on her lips, and she holds on to him as things seem to slow down.
Eli kisses her lovingly, their bodies sweaty and, well, slightly sticky. This is nothing like Clare had pictured or imagined; she had always thought it would be a painful ordeal. But she doesn't regret a thing.
Their physical connection is suddenly broken, and Clare feels immediately sore. Eli pulls her close to him, holding her in his arms, and he presses his lips against her forehead.
"I would do anything for you," says Eli hoarsely. "I want you to know that. Anything."
Clare can hear Eli's phone ringing somewhere in the room, but Eli isn't moving. "You should get that," says Clare quietly.
"No, I want to stay here with you," says Eli, cuddling closer to her. But the phone keeps ringing insistently, and Clare looks at Eli pleadingly.
"Fine," he teases, and gets out of bed, slowly disentangling himself from her. Clare fixes her eyes on the ceiling, going through the speech she has already rehearsed many times.
Eli, there is something I need to tell you…
You know I love you, right?
Jake is still my friend and I…
Eli answers the phone as he clumsily grabs his boxers from the floor and attempts to get half-dressed. "Hey, what's up?" he asks crossly. "I'm kind of busy."
Eli starts frowning as he holds on to phone, and then anger flashes in his eyes. He looks away from Clare and turns his back on her, and Clare swears Eli is shaking. But he's not saying a word; he's just listening to the other person on the line.
"Ah," he says finally. "I see. Thanks, Pica."
Eli hangs up, still not facing Clare, and he throws the phone violently at the wall. Clare sits on the bed, covering herself with the messy sheets, her eyes wide in fear.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
"Nothing," says Eli in the coldest tone he has ever used. He turns around and Clare can't really read his expression as he walks back to the bed. Eli sits next to her, and Clare realizes something. He's looking at her the same way he used to when they "hated" each other.
Oh no.
"You would never lie to me, would you?" he asks calmly, and Clare looks at him, searching for any hints that Eli might know something. But now he's looking at her with love in his eyes, so no, he can't possibly know anything yet.
Right?
"I…" Clare falters as Eli rests his hand on her cheek. "No. I… I would never lie to you."
"Thought so," he smirks, and kisses her.
But for some reason, the kiss tastes bittersweet.