Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.
Author's note: Don't hate me for this chapter... it's necessary.
"What if we've been trying to get to where we've always been?
What if I was wrong, and started trying to fix it?
What if you believed me? Everything is brilliant."
Simple Math | Manchester Orchestra
"You've been so quiet," says Clare as Eli parks the hearse in front of her apartment building. Eli clutches the steering wheel, his eyes fixed on something that Clare can't see.
"Sorry," says Eli halfheartedly.
Eli hasn't said a word since they woke up next to each other this morning; he keeps giving Clare desolated, angry looks, but he refuses to say what is going on. Clare wonders if it has anything to do with Pica's phone call.
"Will I see you later today?" asks Clare hopefully.
"I have stuff to do," says Eli abruptly.
Clare leans in and kisses Eli on the cheek, her lips brushing his ear as she pulls away. Eli faces her and kisses her on the lips, the kiss desperate and hurried, the kiss sending chills down Clare's spine. Their tongues are battling, fighting against something, and Clare wants to cry.
"I love you," whispers Clare, running her fingers through Eli's hair.
"Do you, really?" asks Eli miserably.
"Yes, yes, don't ever doubt that," smiles Clare. "Talk to you later?"
Eli nods, but keeps looking at her in the same miserable way. Clare gets out of the hearse, holding her bag close to her as she watches Eli drive away. She needs to call Alli, she needs to talk to her about everything that is going on.
She needs to talk, period.
Clare can't deal with the heaviness in her heart any longer; she needs to tell Eli the truth. She chickened out last night, she couldn't do it this morning, not with all the members of Acuity as witnesses. All of them were giving her such warm looks, like she's one of them now.
Which she is, but not really.
She finally gets to her apartment, tired and sad, and she unlocks the door wearily. The sight that greets her is not a welcome one; in fact, it's the last thing she needed. Clare drops her bag, the door wide open, and Jake looks up to her, papers and photographs scattered on the coffee table.
And in the middle of it all, the picture of Eli and Clare kissing, their eyes closed blissfully.
"What are you doing here?" protests Clare. "Did you go through my things? How did you-"
"I interviewed Alli a few days ago," says Jake emotionlessly. "Told her not to tell you. And I asked if I could have her key… she gave it to me. I can be persuasive."
"But-"
"I had this feeling that you had been keeping stuff from me," continues Jake, still looking at the pictures. "I was right."
"Jake," starts Clare, but Jake shakes his head as he laughs cynically.
"You were hooking up with him all along," says Jake venomously. "I can't fucking believe this. How many times have you lied to me, Clare?"
"Let me explain," says Clare, closing the door. "I never meant for it to happen, I-"
"You look so happy in these pictures," says Jake, sounding extremely tortured. "Did you think of him whenever you were with me?"
"It was never like that!" insists Clare, tears running freely down her cheeks.
"I love you, Clare," says Jake, dropping the photos on the ground. "And you cheated on me... and then you just broke my heart like no big deal. What kind of person are you?"
Clare says nothing; she merely starts sobbing as Jake stands up, his fists clenched. "I have the story," says Jake, sounding broken. "I'm writing about Acuity. I just need..."
He walks closer to Clare, grabbing her by the collar, and Clare is suddenly afraid. But Jake pulls out something from her jacket, a tiny black thing that looks like a bug. A bug.
A tiny, miniscule recording device.
"Holly J got me this," he says icily. "She doesn't trust you at all. And now I see why." Jake presses something and Eli's voice comes out loud and clear.
"We just hack into the school's system and mess with admissions. Hardly a horror-movie subject. Did you expect us to feed you blood?"
Jake clicks again and Eli's voice vanishes, leaving nothing but tension in the air. Clare feels horrified at this, and Jake should look happy about this, but no. He still looks betrayed and beyond furious as he steps back, his eyes surveying Clare.
"I don't ever want to talk to you again," says Jake spitefully. "You've betrayed me and… I just can't see your face anymore. Tell your friends to get ready to face expulsion. Maybe we didn't find out who killed Sadie Rowland or Dave Turner, but this is enough for an award-winning story." His eyes lock on Clare's neck, and she knows Jake can see the marks that Eli left on her skin.
"Did you... have you slept with him?" he gasps incredulously. Clare stays silent, and realization dawns on Jake's face. "I was such a fucking idiot. Wow."
Jake walks to the door, his hand resting in the doorknob, and he chuckles dryly. "To think that I was feeling guilty for making out with Anya last night," he says, irony in his voice.
Jake leaves the apartment and Clare sits on the couch, trying to feel nothing.
xxxxxxxxxx
Alli isn't answering her phone, and Clare is tired of leaving messages. Eli isn't answering his phone either… and none of the Acuity members seem to want to answer her calls. She hangs up, her wet hair feeling cold as the wind hits her face, and she can't walk fast enough. She shouldn't have taken that shower, that was a waste of time. Clare has to warn Eli about Jake's plan to publish the story about Acuity, and she needs to come clean about everything.
"Clare Edwards!"
Clare turns around and sees Bianca walking over to her, closely followed by Imogen. Clare opens her mouth to speak but she has no chance to say a word; Bianca slaps her hard across the face and Clare loses her balance, her body hitting the ground.
"How dare you?" says Bianca, and some students passing by seem alarmed. "How dare you betray us this way?"
Imogen is hiding behind Bianca, her eyes filled with tears, but she's also looking at Clare in utmost contempt. Clare gets on her feet clumsily, rubbing her cheek, and she feels defeated.
They know.
"I can't freaking believe this," snarls Bianca, moving closer to her, every step menacing. "You were working for Jake Martin all this time? When we were summoned for an emergency meeting and I didn't see you there…"
"How could you?" squeaks Imogen, and now she looks sad.
"I can explain," says Clare frantically, and Bianca shakes her head.
"No, we know enough," says Bianca coldly. "Anya told us everything. She's Pica; you must know that by now. Jake has been working on an article about Acuity for months and you've been giving him information. Do you know what this means? You've ruined our lives!"
"I swear I was going to tell you guys," pleads Clare. "I swear that I wanted to get out of this. I couldn't say no to Jake and-"
"Whatever," says Bianca darkly, and she grabs Imogen by the sleeve as they start to walk away. "You're going to regret this!"
So... they know. Clare's heart is thudding painfully inside her chest, and her insides go numb. She thinks of Eli sitting there, listening to Anya tell them everything about Jake's article. Telling them about how she found them earlier the previous day, all cozy and whatnot.
Anya was the one who called Eli last night, she knows that now. But so many questions are going through Clare's head, and she needs some answers. But soon she finds herself at the doors of Ross Hall, and she dreads the confrontation that is about to happen.
Alli sends her a text, asking if everything is okay and if Clare needs her to come over, but Clare quickly declines Alli's suggestion. She will need her best friend, yes, but maybe later.
She hesitates when she reaches Eli's door, and she wonders if he's here. She wonders if he'll even want to talk to her, but there's no time left. The paper will be sent to the printer tonight, if memory doesn't fail her, and maybe they can do something to prevent the publishing of the article.
Clare knocks, waiting for a response. She hears some shuffling inside the room, some subdued voices, and Adam is the one who greets her.
"You." Adam's voice is bitter and icy, his glare showing every single thing he would like to say.
"I need to talk to him," pleads Clare. "Please, let me talk to him."
Katie appears in the doorway, her eyes red and puffy, and she looks furious at the sight of Clare. "Seriously? What are you even doing here?" says Katie angrily. "You've done enough!"
Clare knows they're right, but if they would just let her explain…
"Let her in," says Eli from somewhere in the room. Katie and Adam walk out of the room, leaving the door open for Clare, the couple still shaking in anger. Clare walks in, and Eli is sitting on his bed, his back resting against the wall. He's not looking at her, he's just reading.
"Eli," says Clare tentatively, and Eli puts the book down.
"Hey," replies Eli, eerily calm.
"I just wanted to talk," says Clare, a bit confused about Eli's lack of reaction.
"About what?" asks Eli amusedly.
"I know you know… about my relationship with Jake," says Clare almost inaudibly. "But I need to explain-"
"No, you don't," says Eli, crossing his arms. "I always knew."
Clare's eyes are wide open, and she feels confused. "Excuse me?"
Eli smirks as he stands up, rearranging his belt as he walks over to Clare. "I always knew that you were working with Martin," he grins. "I'm not stupid."
Clare is speechless; Eli's smirk had never looked so threatening, and Clare had never felt so afraid. Eli seems to enjoy Clare's confusion, and he pats her condescendingly on the head.
"Anya confirmed everything to me last night," says Eli scornfully. "She kind of… um, seduced Jake and got information out of him. That's all I needed to know. I knew that Jake wanted you to get closer to me… so I wanted him to believe you did. We fed you false information, Edwards. Martin doesn't have a story because he has no proof."
"But… no…" Clare can't believe this. She refuses to. "He has a recording of what you said to me last night!"
Eli seems confused for a split second, but he shakes his head. "Yeah… well, I lied," says Eli. "We all lied. You'll never know the real purpose of Acuity. Do you really think we would be so secretive about this society if we only did stuff against bullying? God, Clare, you're so fucking naïve."
"But K.C… and your story about your bully…" Clare is starting to cry, and this is too much. "Especially what happened with K.C! No! Then you all seemed mad at me today! You're lying!"
"I'm the only one who knew about your betrayal… and Anya of course," shrugs Eli, avoiding to talk about Clare's ex-boyfriend. "I only asked them to lie around you as a 'test for your loyalty.' They bought it, and lied along with me. Of course they're pissed off at you. Martin has our names… yeah, that's true. But have you ever heard of a libel lawsuit? And we're a book club, really. We're all currently reading Invisible Monsters."
Eli points at the book lying on his bed and smirks triumphantly at Clare, who is still trying to recover from the shock. "Sadie…"
"Guess you will never know what happened," says Eli distantly. "You can leave now. We'll deal with the aftermath of Martin's story… I don't need you anymore."
"What about us?" blurts Clare, and Eli laughs, his cold laughter piercing Clare's heart.
"Oh, Clare… there is no such thing as us," he says impatiently. "I used you. And it was fun while it lasted."
"I slept with you," breathes Clare, the enormity of what she did hitting her.
"I had never slept with a virgin," says Eli, turning his back on her. "That was a new one… so thanks."
Every single thing in their relationship was a lie. Every single time Eli told her he loved her, he lied. And he used her in the most horrific way, and Clare can't change a thing.
Is this karma?
"Did you ever love me at all?" asks Clare wretchedly, and Eli doesn't turn around, he's just facing the wall and his bed.
"No," he says, and everything seems truly final. "I never did. Why would I? You're Saint Clare, after all."
Clare feels nothing but pain, and she runs out of the room, holding her hand against her mouth as she starts sobbing. Katie and Adam watch her run by without saying a word, and she is grateful for this.
A crashing sound is heard as she reaches the end of the hallway, but she doesn't look back.
xxxxxxxx
It's the last photo the one that breaks Clare apart. Eli is kissing her in it, their lips fused and their cheeks flushed, and it seems like such a distant memory. Clare's hair is messy, and so is Eli's, and she can't help but think that the state of their hair mirrors how she felt when they took that picture. How she feels right now.
She tries not to think about Eli's lips on hers, about his warm skin against hers, and she certainly does not want to think about that night. She tries to forget how his fingers used to slide between hers, their fingers intertwined tightly, and the smirk that would follow.
Everything in the room reminds her of him, and she feels sick. Clare wants him to call her, to tell her that things were taken out of context, that he never lied, that he was honest. That they need to forgive each other. That they can make it work somehow.
But Clare knows that she's lying to herself, that Eli will never call her back because he never loved her, he only used her. Yes, she kind of used him too, but it was only to… No, there is no justification for the amount of betrayal that happened between them.
The tattoo on her wrist is almost scorching her skin, and she starts crying again. She didn't know that it was possible for her tear ducts to flow again, but then again, she doesn't know anything anymore.
There's a knock at the door and Clare wipes her tears away hastily. She told Alli to stay away, but she knows that she might be worried. She tries to push away the thoughts of Eli, and she gets out of bed slowly.
More frantic knocking, and Clare tries to fix her hair and clothing, maybe she can look a bit presentable. Not that she cares too much. The world can be a witness of her misery, go ahead.
Clare opens the door and a surprised gasp escapes her.
Fiona Coyne is holding a wrench in her hands, and Clare sees no more.