Chapter 7 Breaking the Rules

I do not own the characters or anything to do with SPN

WINCEST WARNING. I am still putting this on, but I hope to god no one reading this story needs this warning.

SAM

It should be really difficult to have a brother like Dean Winchester, because Dean is perfect in almost every way. Handsome, manly, arrogant, smart, and tough, most men in the world can only fantasize about being in Dean Winchester's league. It was never difficult for Sam, because he was always so damn proud that he was related to Dean, he forgot to be jealous.

Dean is Sam's only constant as a child, and Sam is precocious enough to understand that is why he hero worships his older brother. Dean has done everything for Sam, so it's natural that Sam loves him so much. He spends most of his childhood tripping over his own feet trying to keep up with Dean.

They fight, they bitch, they joke, they drive, they horse around, they train and Sam is almost content with his life as long as Dean is there. His brother fills his life with a normalcy Sam is dimly aware that he won't get anywhere else.

He knows he isn't an instinctual hunter like his father and his brother. He knows his intellect keeps him inside his own head more than what was useful in a hunt. He knows he will eventually grow into his big hands and feet, but right now, he is sixteen and two weeks can seem like forever when you are sixteen.

Sam spends enough time in his head dissecting himself that when he first realizes at sixteen that how he feels about his brother isn't exactly normal, it doesn't hit him like a ton of bricks like it did Dean. When the idea forms in Sam's head, it is almost as if it was always there in the distance and is just slowly pulling more and more into focus.

It happens almost naturally. He finds himself staring at Dean's golden chest when he walks around their shabby motel rooms without a shirt or a care in the world. He watches Dean's face endlessly, memorizing every emotion as it flits across it. He dreams awkward, steamy, sex filled fantasy dreams where Dean comes to him and his mouth is on Sam. Sam wakes up beside his brother, unwilling to let the dream pass for a few seconds, reliving it in his newly wakened mind for a short time, before allowing it to disintegrate into the murky morning light.

Sam showers every morning now, no longer needing to be cajoled into the bathroom by a nagging brother. He doesn't care that much about being clean as he does the few precious minutes under the needling spray, where he can move his hand over his own cock, pretending its Dean's hand, or his mouth. Sam jerks off to Dean's image every fucking morning. He requires almost constant relief from the never ending hardness that is his dick, because his whole life is spent in mind numbing proximity to his fantasy.

Sam is the smart one, anyone would tell you that, so maybe the idea of him and Dean together should disgust him, repel him, make him nauseous, but none of those things happen.

Dean is Sam's whole world, even his own father takes a distant second in Sam's mind and heart. He knows Dean won't ever return his feelings, and in Sam's mind that is ok, as long as they are together, he can handle it.

When the acceptance letter and scholarship to Stanford show up, Sam has his first real moments of panic, because Stanford is what he really wants. Except for his unnatural want for his brother.

Sam is now eighteen and he has been in love with Dean for two years. Two years of heated glances thrown in Dean's direction, frustrating half sex with any girl that would give him the time of day because he doesn't want to be in love with his own brother. The encounters leave him unsatisfied and unfulfilled and only conjuring Dean's face can bring Sam any sort of peace as he works his own cock once again, in the shower alone.

So, Stanford terrifies him, because he will be away from Dean, but Sam is now of the mind that maybe he needs to be away from Dean. His feelings for Dean are overwhelming and unnatural, and in Sam's fevered eighteen year old mind, he figures distance might be the only cure.

So he leaves and he tries not to think that the expression on Dean's face as Sam pulls away on the bus is heartbreak, but that is the only word that comes to mind as Sam presses his head against the bus window, watching his brother's figure get smaller and smaller in the distance.

Stanford is a new life, and Sam tries his best, working part time at a garage, taking a full load of classes, dating pretty girls that are suddenly paying more attention to him more than ever before. He feels relatively happy, but his own brain can't really fool him for too long. He knows his happiness is a pale shade compared to the vivid color of the happy he feels whenever he is near Dean.

He meets Jess and she is sweet and soft, and Sam knows he can love her as much as he is able, and it will be enough for her. And her mouth is full, just like Dean's. Their relationship takes hold and Sam tells himself late at night while he lies next to her in the dark that he doesn't always picture Dean during sex, that it is happening less and less. Sam hates lying to himself.

When Dean shows up on his doorstep in the middle of the night, Sam tries to hate him for attempting to drag him back into their twisted existence, but his insides are too busy jumping for joy because Dean is here, and he wants him. It doesn't matter to Sam why Dean wants him, only that Dean cared enough to chase him down. He jumps into the Impala with little more than a fleeting thought about Jess.

Returning to Stanford after the hunt, Sam had felt like his heart was about to break into a million pieces. He has realized in the few short days with Dean again that he is unconditionally and permanently in love with Dean and no amount of girls, or time, or distance is ever really going to change that. The depression settling over him feels like a blanket being pulled over his head.

Then there is the fire.

Sam is a zombie for a month or so after the fire, and Dean wrongly interprets it as grief over Jessica's death. Dean is partially right, Sam is grieving Jessica, but more of his time is spent feeling so much guilt that his skin crawls with it constantly.

Because part of Sam is relieved that Jess is gone, and nothing is holding him back from being with Dean once again.

The next years spent on the road are the happiest Sam can remember in his life. He feels like Dean's equal and his lovesickness only grows deeper, but it is such a part of his every day existence, that he doesn't think it's a problem. He will always be in love with Dean and there will never be anything to do about it. So, he just enjoys the life he has. Driving and hunting, eating and sleeping, all within touching distance of the person that he loves the most. He makes himself think its enough.

And it almost is.