Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.
Author's note: I will post the epilogue on Wednesday. Had to choose between four different endings, and I hope you like the "winner." Thanks again for all your comments and support.
"Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at.
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at.
But now we'll never know."
Call It Off | Tegan and Sara
"I'm fine, Alli. Really."
Clare closes her eyes and takes a sip from her coffee, feeling Alli's eyes piercing her. The sounds of the hospital are getting to Clare, making her paranoid as she waits to find out if Jake is doing all right.
If Eli is still alive.
Clare opens her eyes, her body feeling sore. She woke up at the hospital, nurses fussing over her, but she soon felt good enough to be discharged. Now she's waiting with the rest of them, hoping that Eli makes it through. The remaining members of Acuity are huddled in a corner, giving Clare the weirdest glances, and she continues to drink. It's all a complete mess, and she can't help but feel somewhat responsible for it.
"Thanks for coming," says Clare gratefully, and Alli squeezes her shoulder.
"No problem, Clare-bear," she smiles. "Glad to get out of the house… even if it's not in the best circumstances. And look at Sav, chatting up the woman who almost got you guys killed."
Holly J and Sav are talking in a secluded corner, and the editor seems quite pleased with the attention. Clare wonders if she's even worried about Jake.
"Where's my baby boy?"
Clare looks up just to see a harried-looking woman enter the ER, her hair a complete mess. A man with a terrible haircut who is wearing a Metallica shirt closely follows her, and Clare frowns.
"CeCe!" says Adam, waving his hand.
"Adam, where's Eli?" says CeCe hysterically. "Is he okay? What happened? Oh my lord, please tell me my baby boy is okay."
"Those are Eli's parents?" snorts Alli, and Clare glares at her.
"We're still waiting," sighs Adam sadly. "No news yet."
CeCe starts sobbing, and the man who is (presumably) Eli's father holds her tightly, muttering into her ear.
"Where's Imogen?" asks the man suddenly.
"She's being questioned by the police…" says Katie awkwardly as she holds Adam's hand. "It's a long story, Bullfrog."
"I would like to hear it," says Bullfrog, now looking angry. CeCe looks around, wiping her nose on her husband's jacket, and her eyes stop on Clare.
"You're Clare," she says loudly. "I've seen your picture. You're his Clare."
Clare jumps, shocked by the attention, and CeCe lets go of Bullfrog, walking over to Clare and hugging her. CeCe starts crying again and Clare, pats her on the back, word failing her.
"I don't want him to die," sobs CeCe. "He's my everything. Is Eli your everything? He must be. Right?"
Clare gulps the sob that is threatening to escape her, and she just nods. Of course Eli is her everything; if he dies, Clare doesn't know how she will be able to go on. The thought is too much to bear, and she pushes it away at once.
The sound of high heels distracts her, and Clare sees Anya walking alongside a serious-looking doctor. "Chris," says Drew, sounding nervous. "How is he doing?"
Dr. Chris nods and gives them a little smile, and everybody starts cheering and hugging each other, tears of joy streaming down their faces. "He's okay," gasps Clare, and CeCe laughs, hugging her again and then letting go as she joins the other celebration.
"He's okay," repeats Clare, feeling lightheaded. Alli stands up and puts her arm around her, an encouraging smile appearing on her lips. The doctor continues to talk to them, and Clare wishes she could hear what he's saying, but she doesn't dare approach the group.
Adam breaks apart from them and walks over to Clare, his hands buried in his pockets.
"So," he says, clearing his throat. "He's doing fine. It will take him a few weeks to recover, which means he might miss finals… not that school is very important right now."
"Adam, I'm sorry," blurts Clare.
Adam shrugs as he scratches his chin, scoffing indifferently. "You did what you had to do," says Adam plainly. "You just messed us up in the process… you messed up my friend's heart as well."
"I-"
"I don't know what will happen," interrupts Adam. "If the article gets published, it will pretty much mean the end of Acuity. We've been around for 20 years, but you know, some things do end."
Adam glances at Holly J, who is still busy talking to Sav. "Talked to Rosso a few hours ago," says Adam, his attention now back on Clare. "He pretty much took the 'come what may' attitude. We will be fine, even if we get in trouble. We stick together through thick and thin, and well, this will be a test for us."
"I wish I could fix everything," says Clare, as Alli moves away.
"It's fine," nods Adam. "You know what we do in Acuity… Eli told me he tried to lie to you, but yeah… I know how much Eli cares about you… it's up to him in the end, you know? But right now, I'd rather have you stay away. He deserves to be happy. And I'm just looking out for him."
Adam nods again and walks away with his arms crossed, quickly surrendering to Katie's embrace. Katie looks at Clare briefly, no emotion in her face at all. Bianca and Drew are not even looking their way, and Clare feels that it has more to do with Alli's presence than anything. Declan isn't here; he's at the police station taking care of Fiona. Clare doubts she will ever see him again. Zane is holding hands with a curly-haired boy, and they're talking excitedly about something.
The ER's doors open and Detective Gavin Mason walks through them, and Clare can't help but think he looks somewhat defeated. After all, Jake told her that Mason thought Eli was behind everything. And now he's been proven wrong.
"What now?" protests Zane.
"I'll need to question all of you," says Mason crossly. "And Goldsworthy when he's feeling better."
"How's Imogen?" asks Clare, much to the surprise of the other members of Acuity.
"I can't discuss details of the investigation with you," snaps Mason.
"You can with me, though," says Holly J, giving Sav a knowing smile as she walks over to the detective. "For the paper?"
"We'll arrange that later, Sinclair," says Mason impatiently.
"Can it wait until tomorrow?" complains Katie. "The questioning? We really want to make sure Eli is all right."
"Well…" starts Mason, and Zane lets go of the hand of his boyfriend.
"I'll go first," says Zane, smiling at them. "You guys stay here and keep me updated. We have nothing to hide after all."
"Our only crime is belonging to a stupid book club," pouts Bianca, glaring at Clare.
"Book club, right," says Holly J, narrowing her eyes.
"It is," says Clare suddenly. "That's all there is to it. It's just a book club, Holly J. So just back off!" Detective Mason scoffs again, but he merely walks out with the hospital as he escorts Zane and his boyfriend.
Holly J rolls her eyes at Clare. "Whatever," says Holly J, clutching the strap of her purse. "Call me when Jake wakes up, okay? Then we'll see who's telling the truth. I know he will tell me."
Clare glares after her, feeling infuriated at the editor's coldness.
"You didn't have to do that," says Adam in awe.
"You totally didn't have to," nods Bianca. "But thanks."
Clare wants to apologize all over again, but then a hand closes on her shoulder, and it's not Alli.
"He's awake," says Glen Martin, his eyes red. "If you want to see him."
"Yes, definitely," says Clare, and Alli takes her seat again next to Sav, who is now looking through some magazines.
"We're not going anywhere," smiles Alli, and Clare realizes that it feels good to have something that won't slip away.
xxxxxxx
"Hey."
Jake looks up and smiles at Clare, and she notices the cut lip. Jake looks terrible, but he's still smiling, and he beckons Clare to get closer.
"You're okay," says Jake with relief.
"Of course I am, are you okay?" asks Clare, reaching out for Jake's hand. He squeezes back, his mouth twitching in amusement, and he lets out a tired sigh.
"I'm sorry, Clare," he says. "I'm sorry for dragging you into this. I just want to let you know that I'm not writing the story."
"What?" blurts Clare. "Are you serious? After everything…"
"See, when I went back to my room after our fight…" Jake licks his lower lip, wincing in pain. "I listened to the recording. And I listened to more than I bargained for."
Clare blushes when she remembers everything that happened, all the words that were exchanged that night. Clare wonders how much Jake actually listened to, but his expression says everything.
"I destroyed the recording," continues Jake. "Mostly because I was pissed off about what happened between you two… but also because I realized something. The story would destroy Eli, and if I destroyed Eli… I would destroy you."
Clare feels her lip start to quiver, and Jake laughs, his thumb caressing her hand. "Clare, I love you," he says simply. "I would never want to hurt you, and if that means I have to give up on this story, I will. Sorry it took me so long to get the message."
"Does Holly J know?" asks Clare."I just saw her and-"
Jake shakes his head and lets go of Clare's hand as he tries to sit up. "Nah, I will wait," he says. "I almost died writing this shit. Maybe journalism isn't my calling after all."
They both laugh and Clare feels glad that Jake is taking this with his usual sense of humor. She likes this Jake better. This is the Jake she enjoys spending time with, the one she had a crush on… the Jake she's best friends with.
"I'm sorry for ruining… everything," says Clare apologetically. "I love you so much, we've been friends for so long, and I-"
"We'll work on it," says Jake calmly. "We'll repair our friendship, okay?"
"At least one thing to look forward to," squeaks Clare, and despair overwhelms her.
"What do you mean?" frowns Jake.
"Eli will never forgive me," says Clare inconsolably.
"You don't know that…" says Jake uncomfortably, and Clare feels bad from bringing it up. "The dude literally jumped in front of a bullet to save you. He loves you, Clare. Just give him time and he'll probably come around, okay?"
Clare says nothing and she presses her lips against Jake's forehead, his skin feeling warm against her lips.
"Thanks," says Clare, and Jake nods.
"Can't believe that girl, Imogen, sent the letter," says Jake. "She wanted to come clean so bad, huh? I hope she's okay and that the police will be fair to her. She was blackmailed and threatened after all... but she was pretty badass at the end, don't you think?"
Clare nods, and approaching footsteps make her turn around.
"Eli is awake," says Adam from the doorway, giving Jake a dirty look. "We're all going over there to say hi… the plus side of having Anya date one of the doctors." Adam leaves quickly, not giving Clare a chance to say a word.
Clare glances at Jake and he pouts mockingly, and then waves his hand dismissively. "Go," says Jake, closing his eyes. "I want to sleep anyway."
"I'll come back," says Clare sincerely. "I'll bake you some of those brownies you like so much."
Jake grins at her, but there is a hint of sadness in his smile. Clare feel guilty because she knows that it's hurting him to see her leave, especially because she's about to see Eli. But Jake continues to grin, and insists that she should leave.
"I'll be waiting."
xxxxxxx
Every single step feels like a burden; every time he gets closer to the room the dread gets worse. What is she even going to say to him?
Thanks for saving my life, even though I almost ruined yours? Can you please forgive me and pretend this didn't happen? I love you?
Clare finds the room, and laughter is emerging from it. She stands at the doorway and freezes, feeling left out at once.
People are surrounding Eli, talking excitedly and exchanging words of relief. Eli is smiling weakly at all of them, and Clare doesn't want to interrupt the moment. CeCe keeps kissing him on the forehead, a smile on her lips. Bullfrog is laughing and Adam and Katie are chuckling, Bianca and Drew have smiles on their faces. They're a family, Fiona was right.
And it hits Clare; she has to let go of Eli. She has no place in his life anymore.
She loves Eli, and she knows that she will never love anyone like she loves him. But Clare also knows that she messed up, that she lied to him when everything Eli did was open up to her. Perhaps someday she will be worthy of his forgiveness.
Not now.
Eli looks around and his eyes lock with Clare's, and his smile disappears. The rest of the group is still chatting away, oblivious to Clare's presence, and Clare hears Imogen and Fiona's names being mentioned here and there. But Eli and Clare are in their own little world as they look at each other, their looks saying more than words could possibly express.
"I'm sorry," mouths Clare, tears already forming in her eyes. Eli blinks, his lips pursed, nothing but sadness in his expression. She has wounded him in more ways than one, and Clare realizes that they're not meant to be. She desperately wants to be with Eli, but he will never forgive her. And even if he does, she doesn't deserve him.
Adam is right; Eli deserves happiness. Eli's ordeal is far from over; police will question him about Fiona and Imogen, maybe about Acuity. If the school ever finds out about the real purpose of Acuity, the members will most likely be expelled. Clare might be expelled too... who knows? Yeah, the aftermath of what happened isn't over yet. But the relationship between Eli and Clare surely is.
Clare gives Eli a last look, and removes her hand from the doorway as she takes a few steps back. She walks away fast, wrapping her arms around herself as she passes by the nursing station, as she passes by the very concerned-looking Bhandari siblings. Clare hears Alli call her name, but she just wants to leave the hospital before she breaks down in front of everybody.
She has to leave now, or her heart won't be able to handle it. Clare wants to laugh at the irony of Eli's nickname in Acuity, because it's so fitting to their relationship right now. Because she knows now that, in the words of Dorothy Parker, their love is like quicksilver.
Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.
But the thing is, it was never meant to stay.