Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. Thanks, marieloveseclare, for brainstorming with me for this story. Without you, Quicksilver would have never happened.
Author's note: This is it! Gosh, this is tremendously bittersweet. Thank you for reading my stories from the very beginning. It's going to be weird not writing fanfiction anymore, I will miss it. But keep in touch! Tumblr and Twitter links are on my profile.
Special thanks to musiksnob for being a constant source of inspiration and for writing the best Eclare fics ever. Your writing has always challenged me to be a better writer, can't thank you enough.
Epilogue dedicated to those who have been reading since "The Missing Piece." You know who you are.
"It was always you, falling for me. Now it's always time, calling for me. I am the light blinking at the end of the road, blink back to let me know."
Always | Panic! At The Disco
Weeks later
"Make sure you hand in your final essays after the test," says Miss Dawes, placing the test on Clare's desk. "I enjoyed working with all of you, even if we lost a couple students during the semester."
Something stabs Clare's heart as she glances at Eli's empty seat; he dropped out, needing time to recover. At least this is what Adam told her.
And Wesley's seat is also vacant, which makes Clare's heart feel even heavier. They found Wesley's body not too long after Fiona was arrested, causing students all over campus to start a memorial.
Now the Sadie Rowland, Dave Turner and Wesley Betenkamp have a memorial just outside the Smith Building. It's weird, seeing their names there, especially when Clare knows why they died.
Well, everybody knows, sort of.
The purpose of Acuity is still a secret; Jake didn't write the article after all. The "book club" was the official version for the constant meetings between the groups. Holly J freaked out and then she had to resign after it was discovered that she was having an affair with Detective Mason. It was quite the scandal, and students are still talking about it.
Clare starts answering the essay questions, but her mind is a mess. She keeps thinking of Imogen, who struck a deal with the prosecution, and was only sentenced to community service in exchange for her testimony. She has talked to Clare a few times on the phone, and Clare is glad to know that Imogen is looking forward to come back next semester.
But they never talk about him.
Adam and Katie have dropped a few hints, of course. Adam keeps saying that Eli is the most stubborn man he has ever met, while Katie says that Clare should reach out first. Clare usually sits and eats her lunch quietly, because if she speaks, she might just start sobbing.
Yeah, she's a complete mess. Because she misses Eli terribly.
Alli and Jake have done their best to cheer her up; Jake's antics with his crutches have brought a smile to Clare's face, but it's not enough.
She decides to stop thinking about Eli and focuses on her test, the answers flowing easily. It doesn't take her long until she's finally done, and she walks over to Miss Dawes desk, handing her the test.
"Thanks, Miss Edwards," says Miss Dawes brightly. "Such a pleasure teaching you this semester."
Clare smiles weakly and looks through her backpack, finding her essay. She looks at the cover with a heavy heart; only her name is on it. It's the essay she was supposed to hand in with Eli, the one they worked on whenever they weren't all over each other, but...
"Oh, I already have your essay," winks Miss Dawes. "Mr. Goldsworthy sent it to me last night. Excellent job, I must say."
"Eli dropped the class," blurts Clare, and Miss Dawes frowns.
"Not mine," she smiles knowingly. "He worked from home, and sent me the final essay with your names on it. You're free to go."
Clare shoves her essay back into her backpack confusedly; she knows Eli had her notes but she never expected him to finish the entire thing. Without telling her, that is. Not even an email.
He really wants nothing to do with her, it seems.
xxxxxxx
Anya is happily typing away while people in the newsroom are yelling at each other; chaos greets Clare as soon as she walks in.
Chaos is everywhere.
"Hey!" smiles Anya, her eyes not leaving the screen. "He's in the office."
"Thanks," says Clare uneasily. She knows that she will never be able to completely like Anya, although the journalist did nothing wrong. She was just looking out for Acuity, but she robbed Clare of her "confession moment." And the damage that was caused by that, well, it still makes Clare feel slightly resentful towards Anya.
Clare opens the door to the editor's office, and her lips part in shock.
"Clare Edwards!" squeals Imogen, flinging her arms around Clare's neck and hugging her tightly.
"Imogen, what are you doing here?" asks Clare in delight as Imogen lets go. She's wearing a bright red dress with neon blue tights; her cat ears are a blinding green color.
"Had to go to the registrar's office," beams Imogen. "Decided to stop by and talk to the lovely gentleman in plaid."
"That's me!" says Jake cheerfully from behind the desk.
"And to see you of course," adds Imogen as an afterthought. "I just wanted to thank Jake directly for not writing the article... our conversations on Facerange seem too impersonal. I mean, winky faces are cute but-"
"Well," coughs Jake, reaching for one of his crutches, trying to stand up.
"Did he give you a hard time?" asks Clare, placing her hand on Imogen's shoulder. "He's the editor now, he's even more arrogant."
"Hey, hey, I don't appreciate all this," says Jake as he limps over to them. "You girls better simmer down!"
"Simmer down?" ask Clare and Imogen at the same time.
"My dad says that all the time," shrugs Jake. He gives Imogen a weird look, and then both of them look at Clare, smiling shrewdly at her.
"Yes?" frowns Clare.
"Nothing," says Jake shaking his head.
"Nope, nothing," grins Imogen. "So, hey! I'll be back next semester! I'll still have to do some community service hours, but I'll be back full-time. And I know Acuity meetings have been on hiatus, but we should be able to-"
Imogen stops ranting and her face falls. "I mean, I don't know if you're still considered a member... you did break the rules. Declan is not considered a member anymore, but you know, he just retired from the group. He is so ashamed of what happened with Fiona… poor Declan."
"I know," says Clare, and the cheerful mood in the room is gone.
"We can still hang out!" says Imogen brightly. "We should go to the movies, or the park, or feed ducks! I'll bring this cutie-pie as my date." She winks at Jake, who nervously clears his throat again, but he looks delighted all the same.
"Oh, I see what's going on," teases Clare, and she had never seen Jake blush like that.
"Don't you have stuff to do?" asks Jake impatiently, and Clare can't help but laugh. Imogen seems a little uncomfortable as she looks at Clare, her eyes wider than ever.
"Are you ready for the trial?" asks Imogen cautiously, her smile fading away. "It's going to be so intense. I hear that Fiona's lawyers want to plea insanity."
"Of course," scoffs Jake, and Clare leans against the doorway.
"I'm not ready at all," sighs Clare. "The evidence is right there, though. And Fiona can try to buy her way out of this but… our testimony will be stronger. And hopefully this will bring closure to everyone involved."
Clare's eyes meet with Imogen's, both knowing that Clare is mostly referring to Eli.
"I have to go to the bookstore and talk to Peter about my new availability," says Clare, and Jake smiles at her. Imogen gives her another hug and they say their goodbyes, and Clare closes the door behind her.
People are still yelling at each other while Anya calmly goes over an article with a writer, and Clare sighs. everyone seems so immersed in their own little world, a world with no issues or heartache.
The world seems so normal, it keeps going on, but Clare doesn't feel normal at all.
xxxxxxx
The courtyard is deserted when she leaves the bookstore, and she's grateful for this. Talking to Peter is always good, and he seemed to be okay with her new availability. Clare is taking six classes next semester, she wants to graduate as soon as possible. TU used to be her safe place, but now everything reminds her of Eli, and he hurts.
"Wow, when did I become so dramatic?" mutters Clare to herself.
The snow is soft underneath her boots and Clare is tempted to build a snowman here and now, anything to distract her from the sorrow that is starting to build inside her. Seeing Jake and Imogen smiling at each other brought back memories, the good ones, and somehow those hurt the most. Clare blinks and wipes the snowflakes away from her face, and then she realizes she must be dreaming.
Because Eli Goldsworthy is standing underneath one of the lampposts, reading a book. What is he doing here? Why is he reading a book outside, in this weather?
"Eli?" croaks Clare, not expecting him to hear her.
But when Eli looks at her, he seems upset. He closes the book he's reading and starts walking away, but Clare can't let him go. Not like this, not when he's so close.
"Wait!" calls Clare, and Eli stops walking.
"You turned in the essay," says Clare, wanting to kick herself for those words. She hasn't seen him in weeks, and the first thing she brings up is school.
"Only class I didn't drop," says Eli coldly. "The essay was a vital part of our final grade, so... I'm responsible, you know?"
"What are you doing here?" asks Clare, willing to say anything to keep talking to him. "Reading outside? You could be inside one of the halls and-"
"So, suddenly you're concerned about my well-being?" snorts Eli. "What a wonderful turn of events. What a fucking wonderful thing. I'm waiting for Imogen, thank you very much. She's somewhere around campus having coffee with Jake. Enough?"
He sounds angry, and Clare takes a step back.
"I-"
"You left the hospital, not a word, nothing!" yells Eli as a student walks by, glaring at them. "I waited, Clare. Waited for you to call or something. You never did."
"I thought it was for the best," whispers Clare. "I thought you hated me and wanted nothing to do with me."
"Hate you?" snaps Eli. "I could never… Fuck, how could I hate you? I was in love with you!"
Was?
Eli seems to realize what he said, because he covers his mouth with his hand and shakes his head. He removes his hand from his lips and sighs, trying to even his breath.
"You disappeared that night," says Eli angrily. "What did you want me to do? Come after you?"
"I just want you to forgive me!" cries Clare, glad that most students are hiding from the cold, not witnessing this fight that is threatening to make her fall apart all over again.
"Oh, you're not asking for too much then," says Eli sarcastically, his trademark smirk reappearing on his lips.
The silence is heavy, and it hurts. Clare shivers as she hides her gloved hands in the pockets of her coat, realizing that the weeks that they spent apart didn't help at all. Everything seems more final now… he will never forgive her.
"I never meant to hurt you," says Clare, her eyes fixed on the ground. Everything feels cold, but it's not the weather anymore. It's something else, and Clare can't change a thing.
Eli looks at her, his hair getting messier and messier as he attempts to remove the snowflakes from it. Clare wishes he would talk to her, but he's as silent as ever.
She deserves it.
"I'm not ready for this," says Eli pensively. "The trial, having to testify… none of it. And I'm especially not ready to let go of you."
Clare says nothing, because she doesn't want to believe that Eli just said that. About not letting go.
"This isn't about forgiveness, Clare," says Eli, his green eyes darkened by the lack of sunlight. "I'm just upset. Because you made me believe in forever again and then, well, you ruined that. It was as if you were never mine and that drove me insane."
"Eli, I was yours from the moment we first kissed," says Clare, not daring to move. "I wish you could see that. I fought like hell against it, I didn't want to fall for you... but I did. And I don't regret that."
Eli shrugs, and the wall is right there, teasing Clare. It's over. It's definitely over. Clare makes an attempt to start walking away before the tears start, but Eli clears his throat to speak.
"You never told Jake... you never told him what Acuity is all about," says Eli calmly. "He bugged you and all, but... you never told him."
"How do you know this?" asks Clare curiously.
"Jake told me," says Eli nonchalantly, and Clare raises her eyebrows at him. "Imogen insisted we should go to the newsroom and thank him for not writing the article. We ended up talking for a while. He told he was pushy, that he manipulated you... And I know you did things you didn't want to do."
Clare is surprised; after all, Jake and Imogen didn't say a word during Clare's brief visit to the newsroom. They were just standing there, with cryptic smiles on their faces, and it all makes sense. They knew Eli was on campus.
"Why didn't you tell him?" asks Eli, toying with the zipper of his jacket.
"Because I cared about you," admits Clare. "Because... I love you. And I already felt guilty enough about handing in your names... I just wanted to make up for it. It all backfired on me."
"It did," says Eli pragmatically. "When Anya called me that night, after we... you know... And told me that you had been working with Jake all along, I lost it. God, Clare, you have no idea how much that hurt. But now I know what really happened. Jake told me everything."
Eli smirks and Clare feels her heart get lighter; maybe not all hope is lost. Maybe they can attempt to be friends. Maybe.
"I know you just want to hear these words, so... I forgive you," says Eli, wrinkling his nose. "I feel so stupid and conceited saying that, but Jake told me how you've been stressing over this. I don't resent you, Clare. I don't hate you. Far from that… I love you."
Emotions overwhelm Clare, and she can't look at him anymore. She looks at the ground instead, trying to fight back the tears. But she can't.
"I feel like I will never be able to apologize enough," mumbles Clare, and her warm tears start burning down her cheeks. Eli takes a few steps, moving closer to her, and wipes her tears away with his sleeve.
"We have all paid our dues," continues Eli. "I'm sorry I alienated myself from you during these past weeks. I had a lot of thinking to do."
"Understandable," laughs Clare, sniffling. "I want you in my life, Eli. That's all."
"Same here, Edwards," grins Eli. "Who else am I going to discuss books with? It drove me insane trying to convince people to read Palahniuk this semester. Nobody understands him like we do."
Both of them laugh as the sun starts setting, and chilly wind is now causing havoc on Clare's skin. "It's cold," she mentions shyly.
"Yeah," says Eli, scratching the back of his own neck nervously. "So... we have a meeting tonight. It's Acuity's end-of-the-semester meeting, that's why I'm on campus. We plan all the stuff for the next year, we eat and we talk. We'll probably discuss what we're going to do during Fiona's trial as well."
Eli pulls out a card from his pocket and hands it to Clare, their gloved fingers brushing for an instant. Even though their skin is not touching directly, it's enough to send jolts of electricity through Clare's body.
"Weekes Hall?" frowns Clare. "Never heard of this building."
"We can no longer use Wilson Hall," says Eli. "Meeting starts at 9. You'll figure out where it's located... you're pretty smart after all."
"Does this mean I'm still in Acuity?" asks Clare, pocketing the card.
"Obviously," says Eli mockingly, rolling his eyes. " And maybe after the meeting we can... talk. Talk more, and yell at each other again. Sounds fun, eh?"
They smile at each other and Clare feels happy; they can start all over again somehow. And although this is not the romantic, passionate reunion she pictured so many times, it's good enough.
"Don't get lost," says Eli, his smirk making Clare swoon, and he turns around to walk away. But then he stops, just standing there as he stares into the now-looming darkness, and he turns to look at Clare.
"Hold on," he says, and before Clare knows it, Eli's arms are tightly wrapped around her. Clare looks into Eli's eyes, feels his warm breath washing over her lips, and Clare slowly places her arms around Eli's neck.
"What are you doing?" breathes Clare.
"Are you serious, Edwards?" mocks Eli, and kisses her.
Clare's heart is exploding as their lips move faster and faster, their breaths mixed, their bodies glued to each other. She can't help but emit a low whimper when Eli deepens the kiss, his tongue knowingly battling hers. It all feels familiar, but it all feels foreign at the same time.
It feels just right.
Eli stops kissing her, slowly pulling away, a mixture of fear and happiness shining in his eyes. He lovingly tucks one of Clare's curls behind her ear, his thumb grazing her cold cheek.
"See you tonight, Paragon?" he asks hoarsely.
And as they stand in the middle of the courtyard, Clare knows that helping Jake was the best decision she has ever made so far. She remembers the first time she actually "talked" to Eli; when Clare went to look for him at his dorm. How distant and arrogant Eli had been back then, how much Clare thought she hated him. Yes, their relationship has always been sort of unpredictable; to quote Imogen: mercurial.
Clare smiles at Eli, and places a soft kiss on his lips before answering. And when she does, Eli smirks at her, obviously knowing that Clare is echoing the first real conversation they had.
"Guess you will, Quicksilver."