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Lessons in Stealth
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Subject was waiting for me when I opened the tent this morning. Evidently he'd been waiting all night (unnecessarily- the idiot). He looked dreadful, with giant bags under his eyes. I told him he looked terrible but even as I was saying it I felt this little pinprick of concern for him.
I also realized that I was not being coldly civil. I was being more-just-woken-up-bitchy.
My hair was probably a mess because I'd had a really fitful night's sleep. I didn't quite want to look at Subject so I started combing it for something to do. I'd had a terrible dream that I hadn't been able to catch Subject in time and he'd gone ka-splat and I was never able to argue with him again. Subject even bothers me in my sleep! No wonder I'm so always mad at him.
I tried again for cold civility and asked Subject what he wanted. I definitely achieved cold civility. Just when I thought this cold-civility thing was going to be a breeze, Subject threw me for a loop by saying that he knew who had killed my mother and how to find them. I can't be coldly civil about that.
I was just floored. I didn't know what to say. I've never really gotten over it. That man who killed her is the monster in my worst dreams. It was almost impossible to think that I could find him and talk to him and tell him exactly what he'd taken from me. I could make sure he was punished for what he did. One of the hardest things to deal with is the fact that my mother's murderer was never brought to justice. He took her from us and just sailed away unharmed. He never knew that he'd just killed the greatest woman who ever lived.
I could get justice for my mother.
I could get justice for myself.
But first I had to clear one thing up. I ask Subject why he would want to help me with this. Really why. I actually wanted to understand. Was it just to get back on my good side? He looked off for a second and said that was part of the reason. He had liked it when we were…not so hostile (Subject paused for a long time here while he searched for the right words for what we were) and wouldn't mind being on not hostile terms with me again.
He thought being able to face the man who'd killed my mother and getting closure and justice could be a good thing for me. It was a good reason, but it wasn't the whole reason. I can tell when Subject is holding something back. I truthbended at him. Eventually in the face of my truthbending stare, he confessed that he knew what it was like, how horrible it was, not to have closure. He had no idea what happened to his mother and he knew he'd probably never know and it was really hard for him to accept that. I had a chance to get closure and justice. Subject thought that was important. I nodded at him. If it's one thing me and Subject have in common, we both understand the pain of losing a mother. We were in silent agreement.
We got some moon peaches and headed down to the beach for breakfast. I ate while Subject explained about Southern Raiders and messengerhawk towers and navy movements. blah blah blah. He even got a stick and started drawing diagrams in the sand. Now I know how Teo felt when Subject was trying to explain the complex firenation governmental system to him. Bored and confused and fascinated. It is an unusual combination of feelings. The firenation is just a really, ridiculously complicated war machine.
We came up with a plan to get into the nearest messengerhawk tower. Subject wants to spend some time giving me some stealth training today before we tackle breaking into a secure firenation location. After we know where the Southern Raiders are we'll be better able to come up with a plan. I told Subject I already had a plan. That plan was to go all raging waterbender on this guy.
Suddenly I was struck by a horrifying thought. It was almost like we were going on a little holiday together. Everyone who has been on a little holiday with Subject has come back saying the dreaded phrase: that Subject was kind of cool. That would not happen to me.
I told Subject suddenly that he would never convince me that he was kind of cool. Subject seemed most perplexed by this sudden change in topic and said okay quite bemusedly. He looked really confused so I told him, for further clarification that everybody who'd gone on a little holiday with him had come back going on about how cool he was. I would never do this. Never never never. Subject got a very cheeky look in his face and said that not everybody thought he was cool. Toph had told him that Suki said he was kind of hot.
What is this? Subject is making jokes everyday now.
I threw my moon peach seed at him and gave him a light whack and called him an idiot, but without much hositility. I did this almost affectionately really.
What is wrong with me?
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A short time later…
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So I just asked Aang if I could borrow Appa and it was a huge schmoozle.
Aang has urged me to forgive my mother's killer.
Is this a friggin joke Aang?
What the hell!
There can be no forgiveness for that!
He started espousing some temple wisdom and strangely it made me really mad. Normally I like hearing what Aang has to say about life in the temple and his temple wisdom. It always sounded so serene and peaceful. But today, all of Aang's platitudes just didn't make me feel any better.
This is weird. Me and Aang, despite the great sea prune debacle, have always been on the same page. But he just did not understand at all. He had it all totally backwards and arse-end-up. He didn't understand how I was feeling. He didn't understand me really. He thinks he does, but he doesn't. And everything he said kept making it worse. And the absolute weirdest thing is that Subject did understand and stuck up for me. I am very unaccustomed to thinking Subject is in the right.
Aang started going on about Appa and the sandbenders and it was all I could do not to shout back at him that he never really forgave the sandbenders. He went into the Avatar state and I had to pull him out of it, but he never said 'I forgive you sandbenders.' He never had to come across Appa murdered. If Appa had died because of the sandbenders, and Aang had come across them again, I don't think Aang would have been so forgiving. I didn't shout all this at Aang because I've only ever shouted at Aang twice. As a rule, I try not to do it. He just hates being shouted at.
It was so hard to keep my temper with him. It was so unfair; he was making me feel like I was a bad person when I was just doing what any reasonable person would do. That man murdered my mother and maybe I want to kill him or really hurt him back, but I think he deserves it. She was an unarmed woman and he just….
Aang compared me to Jet. That hurt my feelings. It's not the same thing at all. Jet wanted to wipe out a whole town of innocent people, I just want to face this one very guilty man. I don't know if I want to kill him, but I definitely want him to suffer.
Sokka chimed in that she was his mother too and he agreed with Aang. All that anger that I had been holding back from throwing at Aang- I just let go. I shouted at Sokka and I said the worst, most horrible thing I've ever said to him. I really hurt his feelings. I'll have to apologise to him, most likely for a significant period of time. But I'll have to do that later because I'm way too worked up now.
The two of them were looking at me like I was the worst person in the world and I just stormed off because I couldn't take that judgmental look from either of them anymore.
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A short time later…
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It didn't take Subject long to find me. I'd climbed the big tree a bit further away from camp, because Toph can't sense me when I'm in a tree. Subject climbed up and I pegged bits of leaf and twig at him again, mostly out of habit I think, because I was actually glad to see him.
When he was at my level he sat on branch right across from me and said he was really sorry that it didn't work out. He sounded sincere. I told him it would work out because we'd just take Appa tonight when Aang was asleep. I'd been doing some thinking in my tree and I'd decided that it wasn't Aang's place to forbid me from doing this. He wasn't my father after all.
I needed to do this.
Subject eyes widened in surprise and for a horrifying second I thought he would say it would be a bad idea to abscond with Appa and not tell Aang. As much as I hate to say this, I needed Subject to come along with me. He knew all about messenger hawk towers and the firenation navy and he understood about this… this terrible feeling I was feeling. I asked him if he still wanted to come along with me quietly. Without missing a beat, he said of course he was coming. And we sort of looked at each other for a long moment. I know I've ranted in here about how sneaky/devious/untrustworthy Subject is, but I just had this feeling that I could trust him. If only with this one thing.
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I can hear the dulcet sounds of Aang angrily earthbending with Toph. Toph is pleased that Aang is earthbending with more vigor. She missed our big argument because she was still asleep, so she doesn't know that Aang is just cranky with me. She's been Toph-praising him all morning. Toph-praise is different from regular praise. It actually takes you a while to figure out that she's praising you because there's normally a backhanded insult in there aswell.
Subject has been giving me a crash course in how to be stealthy ever since our conversation in the tree. Subject knows all about busting into firenation facilities and apparently stealth is of the essence. I admit I've quite enjoyed learning everything Subject had to teach me. How to walk silently. How to blend in and find cover. The best ways to sneak up behind people. Some of these stealthy tricks would have been quite useful when I was stalking him.
We have had a small argument about that. I wanted to know how long he knew and he said since his fireflakes disappeared for the fourth time. That's ages! He said I actually really was a bit sneaky and sometimes he'd had no idea I was there and I would pop up and surprise him. I told him to stop patronizing me and just teach me more stealth. He said he wasn't patronizing me and I said that he obviously was. We had another small argument. I got a bit cross and wanted to know why he never said anything to me, because I was still a bit pissed off about that.
Subject said that at first he figured I was just doing it because I didn't trust him alone with Aang, which is true, and he felt like he didn't have a leg to stand on if he told me to stop doing it. But after a while he kind of liked having me around and…there was a big pause here… it was useful in training Aang… if either of them got burned or injured. I smiled a little when I remember all our 'tea breaks'. I told him he was an idiot and should have said something. He said he would next time.
What makes him think there will be a next time?
I am paraphrasing what Subject said because it actually took ages for him to spit it out. Subject said all this in a most dorky fashion, complete spluttering and muttering and big long pauses. Subject was also incredibly fascinated with the ground while he was speaking so I couldn't truthbend at him. Eye contact is crucial to truthbending with Subject.
Still, I am somewhat mollified. This has been aided somewhat by Subject's dorkiness. I find it easy to get mad at Subject, but it is exceptionally difficult to stay mad at Subject. It is especially difficult to stay mad at him when he has been so helpful all day in teaching me how to walk silently and undetected.
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We practiced my stealth by getting me to sneak up on the various people in our camp. Except for Aang because I'm still a bit grumpy with him and he's a bit grumpy with me and this grumpiness would not be improved by me popping up behind him and saying 'Boo!'
I can sneak up on Sokka quite easily. Suki was more difficult because she also has warrior stealthy training, but eventually I got her. She nearly hit me with her fans in retaliation before she realized it was me. I have just…and this is a huge achievement…just given Toph the fright of her life! She had no idea I was there in that tree and she actually shrieked. It was awesome. Toph thinks she knows all, with her funky earthbending sight, but it is gratifying to know that it is still possible to sneak up on her, as long as your feet don't touch the ground.
Toph is not as pleased with my stealth as I am.
Subject has pronounced me ready to tackle a messenger hawk tower with him. We will go tonight.
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Subject is packing what we'll need for the trip and writing out long, most likely pointless, lists and instructions for Aang's firebending. I have one thing I have to do before I go. Apologise to Sokka. He's my brother and I love him and I really hurt him this morning. I just want him to understand why I have to do this.
I apologized about what I said. Sokka gave me a hug and said that he understood how angry I felt about losing mum and that I didn't mean what I said. But that we should all stick together and not go off on little side trips. He said didn't want me to go, mostly because it was unnecessarily risky. Sokka would hate it if I got hurt chasing this guy
I told Sokka that I just had to do this. I needed to get justice for Mum. She was our Mum. Sokka doesn't want me to get hurt or do something I'll regret. He asked me if I really intended to kill this guy. I don't know. Maybe. I definitely want him to pay for what he did. Perhaps if he feels guilty enough about what he did I'll….In all honesty, I don't know. I just know that I have to do this. Sokka nodded and looked like he was trying to understand but I know he doesn't think this is a good idea.
Sokka pointed out that Aang won't let me take Appa anyway. I told him that didn't matter now.
Now I was STEALTHY!
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So Sokka must have told Aang that we were going to take Appa anyway because they were both waiting for us! Another small schmoozle. Aang said some more stuff about forgiveness. Subject said something most sarcastic to Aang in response, but I said thanks for understanding, even though I know he didn't understand at all. By saying thanks for understanding, I was really saying 'just try to understand already!'
It's like when me and Sokka were kids and he'd say 'thanks for mending my pants Katara' and throw his pants at me. I would be cross because I never would have agreed to mend the pants, but he'd already said thanks for mending them and I'd have them in my lap and I'd end up mending them anyway, not quite understanding how Sokka got me to do it for him.
I'm hoping that by saying thanks for understanding, Aang will just miraculously be able to understand.
Subject knows where the nearest messenger hawk tower is and that is where we are flying now.
Southern Raiders here we come!
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Usual rambly authors note follows:
Lovely wonderful readers! You have now had some lessons in stealth! Congratulations! I hope you enjoyed it!
Giant cherry sundae of love for all my reviewers! You guys are just all kinds of fabulous and awesome! Every review bought a smile to my face and I'm sorry I didn't have time to get back to you this weekend. I have been a bit hectically busy for the last few days and didn't get to put a new chapter up until now! Tragedy. But I promise it will be a less intense wait between this chapter and the next because I have tomorrow off!
The word schmoozle, if you are unfamiliar with it, is slang in my part of the world for a big, bad-tempered misunderstanding. It's one step before a bitch-fight. It's where two people are talking at cross-purposes and misunderstanding each other and it all gets a bit intense but nobody throws a punch.
In this chapter I wanted to deal with some of the emotions around Katara's little revenge quest.
Katara: She's just a hot mess of emotions in the episode. I wanted to get across how very compelled she feels to get revenge. She not over analyzing what she wants to do to this guy, she just knows that she wants to hurt him. What happened to her mother scarred her so deeply and I don't think she's properly gotten over it. This episode leads me to believe that while she's gone through the five stages of grief (denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance) she kept coming back to anger. She has so much anger about what happened that day. I think she definitely needed to do something about it. Getting the chance of justice and of being able to strike back at the man who took her mother from her would be an incredible possibility for her. It was something she didn't think she'd ever get a chance to do. So I totally understand why she leaps at it. I think if she hadn't been able to face Yon Rha in this episode, she still would have had this anger inside herself and there would have been nowhere for it to go.
Facing Yon Rha will help her make peace within herself over what happened. It was something she needed for herself, without reference to anybody else. She had to make the choice about what to do about Yon Rha for herself.
However one thing that surprised me on first viewing was how she lashes out at Sokka, but not Aang really. But the more I think about it, the more sense it made. Sokka is family, he'll love her no matter what. She feels quite secure in his love and that is something that makes it easier to take her anger out on him. She knows Sokka will still love her. Katara almost never yells at Aang in the series (even though she yells at plenty of other characters) because Aang hates being yelled at and because she feels quite maternal towards him and wants to show him the best side of herself. The Southern Raiders is, I think, the first clear glimpse Aang has to the other side of Katara's personality. And he's not exactly a fan.
Apologizing: One thing I wish we'd seen in the episode is Katara apologizing to Sokka about what she said. I just think Katara would have done this before she'd gone. Despite all their bickering, there is a real love and respect between Katara and Sokka that is lovely. I don't think she could have hurt his feelings the way she did without saying sorry pretty promptly. So I included her apology.
I think Sokka's opposition to her little revenge scheme would be less philosophical and more along the lines of what this revenge mission will do to her emotional and physical wellbeing. While Aang is fundamentally opposed to concept of revenge, I think Sokka would just be worried about his baby sister going off on some reckless mission.
Aang is the most vocal opponent to her plan. Katara does need to face this man, but Aang tries to take that option away from her because he does not see it ending well/to his satisfaction. Aang says he understands her, but everything he is saying in this episode is proving the opposite. In a chat I had with the lovely Em Dixon *waves at Em again* she pointed out that Aang never forgives the sandbenders and upon rewatch I realized, by George, she's right.
Aang sweetie, welcome to hypocrite land! There's no judgment from me. I have bouts of hypocrisy too. it is human nature. Aang has wonderful principles but it is so much easier to be philosophical about someone else's pain. He can philosophize about Katara forgiving her mother's murderer, but if he were in her position, I do wonder what he'd do.
Actually, thinking about it, he was kinda in her position. I do think Katara and Aang have a strong bond, but it is very much familiar. She is a mother figure to him. In that episode where the Earth Kingdom General sinks Katara into the ground (early season 2) and he goes into the Avatar state, he's not in a very forgiving mood. As far as I recall it is all Aangst and Rage. There wasn't any forgiveness going on in that earth army base!
The thing that I struggle with is that as a pacifist (peace everyone), I agree with Aang -in theory. Violence is never the answer. But people still need justice and Katara didn't get that. Her mother is gone for ever and she feels intensely angry about that. Katara has to come to a decision on her own. In this extremely personal and painful matter, what happens to Yon Rha should be her choice. And I think Zuko understands that in a way that Aang can't.
Naturally YMMV on all of this!
YMMV means Your Mileage May Vary. It means feel free to disagree with me! We all interpret things differently and I won't be offended at all if you think I'm tripping balls over any of this.
Next up : bloodbending, drama and a nice (sober) deep and meaningful conversation about the nature of forgiveness.
Til then lovely readers!
Reviews to me are like fireflakes to Subject – I can't get enough of them ;-)