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Deep and meaningful.

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We reached the messengerhawk tower quite quickly. We got out stealth on hardcore. Subject and I had come up with a good plan together of how to get in to the scrolls room undetected. There was some messing about in airducts and inkbending. I'm glad I had Subject with me because that room was just stuffed full of scrolls, all arranged in a seeming haphazard fashion.

What kind of organizational system is this, huh, firenation?

Really, for a well oiled war machine, I was expecting a little more organization.

Subject said there was a system and for a horrible minute I thought he was going to explain it to me, but instead he just went to one of the shelves and found the Southern Raiders scroll in about two seconds. They are on patrol near Whaletail Island. That is where we are heading now. Subject is asleep at the moment because he's a bit tired from not getting any sleep last night. I'm so awake and my brain is buzzing with thoughts and possibilities.

-!-

Subject woke as soon as the sun peeped over the horizon. He wanted me to get some rest but I was still feeling so awake at that point. I had been thinking about the others and anger and forgiveness and the fact that they didn't understand at all. I wanted Subject, at least Subject who was willing to come all this way with me, to understand.

Aang didn't understand. Sokka didn't understand. Sokka hadn't seen what that man did to her. I did. I was right behind Dad that day when we ran to our house. He threw back the curtain and I saw. When he realized I was there he covered my eyes, but it was too late. You can't unsee something like that. That sight is burned into my brain. The image has never really gone away, I've just gotten better at not seeing it.

So I told him all about that day, what it was like from my point of view instead of Sokka's, how my mother got me out of that tent and faced that man alone. Subject said she was a very brave woman and it is true. It made me feel better. She was brave. She deserves justice.

I found that as soon as I'd started talking about her I couldn't stop. Subject hadn't known her at all and I wanted him to know what a wonderful, witty woman she was. It was like what we do in the memory circle every year. The more I talked about her, the more I felt like she was here with me. Subject climbed down to sit next to me and just listened and didn't interrupt. So he's learned about her laugh and her jokes and her kindness and bravery and the way she used to sing me soothing songs when I felt sick.

After a while, I had talked myself out and had started feeling tired. Subject noticed me yawning and held out his hand and just asked me to please give him the reigns. He didn't demand them or anything and that made it easier to hand them over. He knows where we are going anyway. I'm in the back of the saddle now, trying to get some sleep. We'll be there soon. Subject is right, I'll need all my strength.

-!-

When we came upon the lead ship of the Southern Raiders last night I burst into action. I was fiercer and stronger than a hurricane and I knocked all those soldiers overboard with a giant wave. Me and Subject barged into the command room to find the captain. He started firebending frantically at us, but Subject stepped in front of me and blocked all the blasts. He'd noticed that I'd used all my water to blow the door open. But it wasn't necessary. I don't need water to be able to bend.

This man had taken my mother from me. I was doing this for her. I felt a dark anger surge inside me and it became easy to do what Hama had taught me. I thought I'd never, ever use it again. I never thought I could use it against someone. To make someone's blood work against them is such a violation. But Hama was right about one thing. Some people deserve it. Some people have it coming. When I thought I was facing the man who killed my mother, it was so easy just to give into that anger.

But he looked up and his eyes were full of fear. Just as quickly as that dark angry feeling had come-it vanished and was replaced by a horrified realization. He wasn't the guy.

He wasn't the monster.

I had bloodbended against an innocent man. Well as innocent as a firenation captain can be. I released him quickly. I dropped my hands and turned away. I was just a mix of feelings. I didn't quite know what to do. Subject was more practical and managed to find out where the guy who was captain when they raided my village lives. His name is Yon Rha. He lives on an island further north. He's a gardener now. He lives with his mother.

He lives with his mother. How nice for him.

-!-

I didn't want to talk at first. I didn't know what to say. Subject said that Yon Rha's island was too far away for us to reach tonight and Appa was tired. So we stopped on an uninhabited side of Whaletail island for the night.

Subject is cooking for us and has managed to resist the urge to add chilies to everything so far. I have been steadily criticizing/backseat cooking from where I sit, leaning against this rock. We have had one of our normal mild arguments. Arguing with Subject has been nice. It's almost comforting in its familiarity.

-!-

I'm not used to people cooking for me. Since we left the South Pole, if we were camping, I've always done it for the group. I have been hovering over him and being a bit of a backseat chef. Talking about/criticizing Subject's cooking skills really kept my mind off what I had just done. Honestly, I had tried to help with the cooking, but my hands were just shaking too much to do anything. Subject took the saucepan from me without comment and finished making us some soup. When it was ready, we sat next to each other and just ate in silence for a while.

Until I noticed the fireflakes.

Subject had sneakily packed some fireflakes and he had added them to his soup in great abundance. We have had our usual small argument about the fireflakes. How bad they are for him vs Subject's fondness for the taste of his whole mouth burning. He was trying his best to treat me normally and it felt nice.

Then he ruined it by wanting to talk about...you know…things.

Subject got a bit awkward. He kept looking at me to see if I wanted to start a touchy-feely conversation. Because I was the girl and I've started every previous touchy –feely conversation we've had and Subject thinks this makes me an expert at emotional conversations. Subject fails at emotional conversations. I stared back at him and eventually he asked if I… you know..wanted..to…maybe…I dunno…talk… about… emotions… and…what happened…and… stuff.

Really, this is why I start all our touchy-feely conversations.

I asked Subject if he thought I was a bad person for wanting revenge. I had been thinking it ever since that man, the man who wasn't a monster, looked up. I'd bloodbended him. He looked so scared. I'd done something I'd promised myself I'd never do. I did something only a really bad person would have done.

Subject looked momentarily horrified at my question and said that of course I wasn't a bad person. He looked a little shy and asked me not to take what he was about to say in the wrong way and get mad. He had my complete attention then because I was so sure he was about to say something ridiculous and stupid. Then he told me that I was probably one of the best people he knew. And he really meant it. And I just…it made me feel better, that Subject thinks I'm a good person.

He wanted to know why I was worried about being a bad person and I told him that it was a little because of what Aang said, because I knew that I would never ever be able to forgive this Yon Rha and I was worried that being unforgiving was bad. But mostly it was because I'd been so angry back on that ship that I'd used the bloodbending even though I promised myself I'd never use it again. Subject said 'oh, that's what that was' in regards to the bloodbending. He'd never seen anything like it before and it had freaked him out a little. But he hadn't wanted to ask about it in case I didn't want to talk about it.

Strangely I did.

I haven't really talked about it to anybody else before. Sokka, though I love him, doesn't really understand how I feel about my bending. Toph's not great at comforting. She's so practical. She'd would probably just tell me that I'd stopped an evil woman and that I should look at the positive and get over it. I can't tell Aang. It's too dark for Aang. I wouldn't want to burden him with it. I especially don't want to hear any temple platitudes about it.

But I knew Subject understood how it felt to be conflicted about your own bending. I knew he could listen without interrupting. So I told him. I told him about Hama and how glad I had been to find another southern watertribe bender. I told him about how she had almost reminded me of my Gran Gran and how much I trusted her. I told him how badly she wanted revenge and how angry she was. I told him how I first learnt bloodbending… how she forced me.

I told him I was worried I could turn out like her.

Subject listened and didn't interrupt but he looked super concerned throughout. It was good to get all these dark thoughts out of my head and into the open. Subject said he didn't think I'd ever turn out like Hama, because I already felt bad about bloodbending that captain. To Subject it sounded like Hama didn't feel bad about anything she did. I asked him if he thought Aang would forgive Hama if she felt really bad about what she did, when what I was really saying was will Aang forgive me if I kill this Yon Rha tomorrow?

Subject said he thought feeling bad or feeling guilty about doing something wrong was important before somebody got forgiven. Spirits know Subject feels incredibly guilty about all the stupid mistakes he's made in the past. We sat in silence for a few moments and then Subject added that ultimately he thought Aang's forgive everybody of everything approach wasn't realistic. I felt a bit offended because I thought he was basically saying that he didn't think Aang would get over it, if I did kill Yon Rha.

Subject got a bit panicked and said that he wasn't saying that at all. Subject said that Aang would definitely forgive me, because I was me and he was Aang. Subject didn't seem to have a further explanation and just gestured helplessly for a bit. He started trying to say something but he got a bit stuttery and spluttery. I told him to just spit it out, whatever it was.

And he turned to me and asked me if I really wanted to know what he really actually thought. I actually did. And Subject actually told me.

He said that he thought some things shouldn't ever be forgiven, especially if the person didn't even feel bad about what they did. Some people have done such terrible things that they have to punished, otherwise there's no justice in the world. If I couldn't forgive my mother's murderer- that was fine by Subject. If this was about his mother he wouldn't show her murderer any forgiveness. He'd never forgive anyone who hurt the people he cared about. He was looking at me with an odd look on his face the whole time he said this.

He thought I was justified in my anger. He didn't think it made me a bad person. He wanted me to stop thinking I was a bad person because I wasn't. It was all very well and good for Aang to forgive everybody, but some people can't do that.

Subject added that there were some things he'd never be able to forgive his father for and he didn't think that it made him a bad person for feeling that way. He said it with such vehemence. What had Ozai done (aside from all the obvious evil overlord things)? I asked him what he found so unforgivable and for a second I thought he wouldn't answer me. But after a moment he just said this and just pointed to his scar.

I think my heart stopped for a second.

His Dad did that to him.

I could never imagine my Dad hurting me or Sokka. It's just unimaginable to me; a Dad doing that to his kid. I didn't know what to say. I think my shock and concern must have shown on my face because Subject started rapidly speaking in that babbly way he does when he's feeling nervous or shy.

He said that he wasn't telling me to make me feel sorry for him or to make this little trip about himself, and he really didn't want to talk about it. He just wanted to reassure me that I wasn't a bad person for finding something unforgivable. He'd confronted his Dad on the day of the eclipse and his Dad hadn't felt bad about anything he'd done. Subject thought that Ozai wasn't deserving of forgiveness. I am inclined to agree. In fact, if firelord Ozai had been with us, in that very second, I would have killed him myself. Probably in a messy and painful fashion.

I thanked Subject for telling me. I really meant it. He looked at me shyly. It is a really big deal for Subject to share this sort of thing. I moved closer to him till our shoulders were touching. Sometimes when you don't know what to say with words you can say it with actions. I'm not going to say I snuggled him. I'll just that I leaned on him a little bit. My head rested on his shoulder and he was quite toasty so I got a little more comfortable.

Since we were sharing I told him that I honestly had no idea what I would do when I saw this Yon Rha tomorrow. I definitely wanted to make him afraid of me the way that I'd been afraid of him. I wanted him to remember me and feel guilty about what he'd done. I wanted to hurt him. I might even kill him, but I just didn't know if I could do it. Subject said that what happened tomorrow would be completely up to me. It would be my choice. And he would support me, whatever I choose.

I may have snuggled a little closer to Subject and said thank you. But that'll just stay between the two of us.

-!-

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Authors note:

Lovely wonderful readers! You've reached the end of deep and meaningful! Congratulations and I hope you enjoyed it. This was a rather serious chapter dealing with what was a big issue in the Southern Raiders for me. The bloodbending. The lovely donnacrunch *waves at Donna* pointed out that it is a very big deal to Katara and I am in complete agreement. But it just happens in the show and is unremarked upon in the show.

Well not in my fic!

Huge thank you to all my lovely reviewers who are just made of fabulous and double rainbows. Really I love everyone's comments and insights! Reading that you guys are enjoying where I'm taking this fic just puts a smile on my face! Sorry this chapter didn't have many laughs- but what it lacked in laughs I hope it made up for in cuddles and honest conversations.

I think they must have had big honest conversation at one point during the Southern Raiders. It's in my imagination and I refuse to believe it didn't happen. Bloodbending is an enormous deal for Katara. I don't think she would have been able to do that, especially to an innocent man, without it triggering an "am I a bad person?" crisis of self.

I think it is very telling that she only bloodbends (of her own free will) this one time. One time when she is super angry and it is about her mother. I think it would freak her out, how far she was willing to go and how many taboos she was willing to break to get revenge. I think after she had bloodbended that Captain, she would do a big bit of soul searching and decide to really never do it again.

I think that Zuko is a logical choice for her to confide in. He wasn't there with Hama and of all the Gaang he's the mostly likely to understand all the myriad of feelings it kicks up in her and be non-judgemental about the whole thing. I think getting some of those conflicted feelings off her chest and properly talking about it would be a good thing for her. Zuko affirms her feelings and doesn't judge her and I think this would help her too.

I don't think she'd ever bloodbend again after their conversation.

She doesn't even bloodbend Yon Rha, she just scares the bejeezus out of him.

I think Zuko really does just want to cheer her up in his own Zuko way. But he thinks he's not good at these conversations and these deep emotional issues. But she shares a lot with him and he's able to listen and relate to what she's saying. When she thinks that being unable to forgive makes her a bad person, he's a little horrified because he does think exceptionally highly of her and thinks she's a good person (despite how much of a crazypants she is to him sometimes) and there are some things I don't think Zuko would forgive.

It seemed like a logical place for him to reveal a little bit about his scar (not the whole story- that will come later lovely readers) and his feelings of anger at his father and his inability to forgive him. It would always be a hard thing for him to talk about and he really doesn't want to hijack the conversation and make it about himself. But he just wants to reassure her that from his point of view, it's okay not to forgive.

I think they would reach a place of trust during this trip and for that to happen I think both parties have to show their cards a little more. So they have a little exchange of secrets.

Mostly I wanted this chapter to reaffirm that this trip is about Katara and Katara's issues and pain and choice. I didn't want to go on too much about the scar, because this whole trip is more about Katara's issues than Zuko's (he'll get his turn later, don't worry.) I just think it is more empowering for her if what happens on this trip is completely her decision and Zuko just offers his support.

Thanks for reading my lovelies!

Next up there'll be drama, a big meltdown and the touch barrier will be well and truly broken! Bye touch barrier! It was nice knowing you!

Til then lovelies…..