Song Title: Tracks of My Tears by Smokey Robinson
Rating: M
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, its characters, or the song, but I sure do love all three.
People say I'm the life of the party
'Cause I make a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I am blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
I need you, need you
Since you left me if you see me with somebody else
Seeming like I'm having fun
Although they might be cute there's just no substitute
'Cause you're the only permanent one
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
I need you, need you
Outside I'm masquerading
Inside my hope is fading
Just a clown since you put me down
My smile is my make-up I wear since my break-up with you
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile it looks out of place
If you look closer it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears
Rachel was sitting at her vanity listening to the ballad playlist she had created in order to wallow in her self pity. It had been three months since Jesse had broken her heart and left her with egg on her face, literally, outside of her high school. It had been three months since half of her heart had disappeared. Although she spent her days in the role of Finn Hudson's girlfriend, Rachel had never gotten over what happened between she and the boy she considered to be her soulmate – her equal match whom she wished to share the stage she called life.
That is why, she concluded to herself, she had called him that afternoon. She wasn't naïve. She knew by the markings on her calendar that Jesse would be leaving for Los Angeles this week, and although a part of her wished him well in his new adventure, she also felt they had unresolved issues to settle before he left her life for good.
She was surprised at the ease in which he accepted her invitation to the house later that evening when she had called. She assumed he had deleted the memory of them from his mind as he prepared himself for California, but she also recalled their last conversation with one another… the swift statements made at Regionals so many weeks ago. He had apologized for his actions, but the scars were still too apparent in her mind, and she hadn't accepted. Instead, she'd tried to move on with Finn in hopes that her heart would repair, but it still skipped a beat whenever she pictured the curly haired boy with the voice of pure gold.
She pressed pause on her iTunes as she heard the doorbell ring, knowing that it was time to face her own music.
He stood before her in his normal attire – black jeans and a black t-shirt, boots that were far too heavy for the hot summer evening, and sunglasses shielding his eyes, even though the sun had already set nearly an hour ago.
He removed his glasses slowly so they could look one another in the eye, feeling the tension build around them while they both remained unable to speak. Jesse cleared his throat as he looked at Rachel, noticing her adorable rainbow tank top and the incredibly short skirt that made his palms sweat. They both settled on hi as their formal greetings, and Rachel asked him to join her inside.
"Um, are you sure? We can go for a ride somewhere and talk, if you'd prefer? I can only assume your dads aren't pleased with me regarding my actions in May." He took a deep breath as he stepped back, clearing the path for her to join him on the porch. She shrugged as she moved her arm to motion him inside.
"It's okay – they're in Cleveland for the weekend. It's their anniversary."
Jesse raised his eyebrows as he followed her in off the stoop, surprised that she would invite him over when no one else was there to occupy the house. Perhaps she didn't want witnesses when she berated him for the way he acted so many months ago. To be perfectly honest, he had been on edge ever since he received her phone call that afternoon. He'd typed out a hundred text messages, two dozen emails, a handful of letters over the past weeks in order to apologize to the brunette before he'd began packing for his move, but they all remained unsent. He'd found out through social media sites that she was already with the quarterback, and he assumed she'd forgotten about him and had moved on with her life. From the tear that he noticed in the corner of her eye, he hoped that he had been wrong all this time.
"I wanted to clear the air before you left for Los Angeles, Jesse." She'd remembered the date, he thought to himself before letting a smile sneak its way to his face. "You may have already accepted what happened between us, but I'll be honest in saying I need closure. I have questions, and I would very much appreciate you answering them to the best of your ability." She stood with her hands on her hips as he nodded his head, promising to be honest in his responses.
"First – why did you do it?" It wasn't the most important question she had for the evening, but it would definitely determine the direction of the rest of her inquiries after he answered.
"Because I didn't want to risk my scholarship by staying at McKinley. Because I didn't want to be stuck in Ohio for the rest of my life." She nodded as she looked away, letting a tear sneak out of the corner of her eye. It burned her skin as it marked a path down her cheek. "That doesn't mean I don't regret the decision…" he continued. "Every single day since it happened."
She looked back and straightened her posture, forcing herself to continue. "Then why didn't you contact me afterwards? The least you could have done was explain instead of giving an empty apology at regionals."
"I wanted to… so many times, but I knew you were with Hudson. I wanted to sing it from the roof tops and tell my teammates to fuck off, that you were the reason we'd won Regionals, and subsequently Nationals over the summer." He buried his hands in his pockets as he bare his soul on the living room floor, admitting to Rachel things he had never even admitted to himself.
"What do you mean I was the reason?" She stood confused before him, suddenly wishing she had accepted his invitation to go on a drive as the room was beginning to lose oxygen that she so desperately needed at the moment.
"This year's regionals performance was the first time I ever exhibited any passion on stage, and I'm aware of that. Had we performed as robots like so many countless times before, I honestly believe you may have taken the trophy that day." He paused as he formed the words in his head, trying to make sense of what he felt as his heart began to race. "Rache, I saw you perform that afternoon. When you sang Faithfully with Finn, I developed feelings I had never experienced before. That's why I was able to perform with so much passion, so many raw emotions. Because for the first time in my life, I had felt something… here," he stated, taking Rachel's palm and placing it on his chest.
"Your heart is racing," she whispered, as they both slowly began moving towards each other, slicing the tension between them like a knife neither of them knew they possessed. She felt as he wiped away her tear, rubbing her cheek with his thumb as he held onto her other hand over his heart. With his lips inches away from hers, she asked the one question that had been burning inside her since they had separated – the only question that mattered to her anymore.
"Was it ever real?" she asked, looking deeply into his eyes.
His answer came in the form of a heated kiss, taking away what little air she had left in her lungs. She hesitated for a moment, keeping her mouth closed while she allowed her hands to roam the contours of his chest and torso, fighting between the urge to push him away and also pull him closer. As his lips danced circles on her neck, she opened her eyes as she felt new tears forming, but she knew they were no longer the tears of heartache. After so many months of gut wrenching love songs and tear stained pillows, her body was crying tears of joy. However fleeting, she had regained Jesse in her life.
"It was always real," he whispered in her ear, before breaking contact and leaning back to look her in the eye. "Rache, you know we would never have met had it not been for Shelby, and I know I fucked up by choosing Vocal Adrenaline over you, but my feelings were always real. Our connection was always real."
She nodded her head and watched as Jesse visibly relaxed, finally understanding that their subsequent pride is what had truly kept them both apart during their last summer in the same state. She removed her hand from his chest as Jesse shivered at the loss of contact, but she replaced it in his hand as she began to lead him upstairs. He furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at her, but he followed behind regardless. He had made the mistake before – this time, he would let Rachel lead.
"Jesse," she whispered as she closed her bedroom door behind them, sealing their privacy although there were no other people in the house, "I know you're leaving next week. I also know that we can't be together, but I want this…" she looked down at the floor as she tried to find the words to make sense of her feelings, "I want my first time to mean something. I know that with you, it will." She returned her gaze to find that Jesse had raised his eyebrows, daring her to ask the question he couldn't force himself to ask. "And yes, I'm sure."
She walked towards him - as he had lost all ability to move. As she forced him to sit down on her bed, he shook his head and examined the course of actions this day had taken.
"Rachel, I can't let you do this. I love you, and you and I both know that, but I'm leaving in a few days and I'm not coming back. I don't want you to lose your virginity to someone you'll never see again." He could physically feel his heart breaking inside his chest, and he wondered for a moment if Rachel would have to call an ambulance for him to be repaired. More than anything in the world, he wanted to experience this moment with her. He wanted to love her and join her and feel his body inside of hers, but he wouldn't do it knowing that he would be forced to say goodbye to her in the morning.
"I know the consequences of my actions, Jesse, and I know what happens when the sun comes up tomorrow, but I want you. I want to share this with you and no one else. I need this to happen, to allow both of us to move on," she said, being completely honest in her argument to him. She sat down beside him on the bed as she saw the wheels spinning behind his eyes. He was considering her invitation to experience this moment with her, and her heart started racing as she mulled over the possibility of him saying no.
"I love you, you know," he whispered as he licked his lips and looked down at his hands on his lap. He knew this was a big decision for Rachel, but he had to admit that it was as equally big for him. Yes, he had had sex with other girls before, but he'd never been in love with any of them. He'd slept with nearly every girl in his high school show choir, but he'd never been intimate with anyone before. He knew, looking into Rachel's eyes and seeing the love reflected back to him, that he wouldn't be able to make that statement after tonight.
She placed her hands on the mattress behind her as she pushed her way backwards to the head of the bed. Jesse turned and followed suit, hovering above her as neither dared to break eye contact. He lowered himself as he placed the majority of his weight on his left arm, hoping not to crush her as he used his right hand to wipe away the near-constant tears that remained on Rachel's face. She smiled and turned her head to kiss the palm of his hand, an action that sent shivers down Jesse's spine. As he leaned down to meet her lips with his, she placed both hands on his chest to stop him.
"Jesse?" she whispered, closing her eyes. "I love you too." And with that, his mouth found hers in a kiss more passionate than anything she had ever experienced before. Her tongue traced the bottom of his lips, begging for entrance, and Jesse was happy to oblige as she slightly spread her legs on the mattress and he allowed his weight to fall in between. Her hands instinctively made their way to his curls as she felt her breath becoming more shallow, a fire beginning to burn in her body that she knew only Jesse could extinguish.
He felt her body burn as he slowly slid his hand inside of her shirt, tracing unknown patterns into her skin with his soft touch. After Rachel arched her back to force more contact, he groaned into her mouth and moved his hand further north, grasping at her from the outside of her bra. He could feel her peaks hardening at his touch, and his jeans suddenly became too tight to remain in tact.
As if she could hear his thoughts, she removed her hands from his hair to unhook the button of his pants, cautiously sliding the zipper down as she felt his bulge through his boxers. She had never gone this far with a boy, and she gasped as she felt the size of Jesse through his remaining clothes. She felt him smirk against her neck and laughed shyly, trying to hide the blush that had unknowingly crept onto her face. He leaned up on his arms to make eye contact again, asking with his gaze once more if she was sure of her decision. She nodded, no words needed to fill what little space was between them, and her breath shook as he slid her skirt down her legs. With light touches and soft embraces, they removed the rest of their clothing and lovingly enjoyed the views they were both allotted.
Jesse rubbed a thumb over Rachel's cheek again, wishing for a moment that he could spend the rest of his life with her, in this house, in this bed, and the rest of the world be forgotten. In his eighteen years of life, never had he seen anything more beautiful than the girl who currently lay beneath him, wanting him as badly as he wanted her. He kissed her softly on the lips as he removed his hand from her cheek to guide himself inside of her, pausing instantly as her body clenched and she let out a soft groan. After a few moments, her nails retracted from his back and he felt her thighs relax on his sides, and he took the initiate to rock slowly inside of her, silently begging her to experience the pleasures he himself was feeling at that moment. He leaned back to make eye contact with her once more as he cautiously quickened his pace, and she smiled up at him through her tear-stained eyes. "I love you, Jesse. So much," she whispered, and he buried his face in her hair.
"I love you too," he whispered against her neck. Had it not been for Rachel's own tears falling freely from her eyes, she could have felt the ones currently losing themselves in her hair, as Jesse let go of the barriers he carried and let his own tears fall freely, experiencing for the first time the act of true intimacy… laced with true heartache. Tomorrow they would say goodbye.