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It was wrong, so wrong, but they always say you can't help who you fall in love with. It's what Andy told our family when she ran away with Ted. Of course that wasn't an acceptable reason for her "traitorous actions to the Noble House of Black" as my dear mother put it. My situation was a little bit different. Yes, she was muggleborn, but more than that she was the object of my "brother" James' affection. As much as I loved her and her beautiful auburn hair and those emerald eyes that capture your soul, I couldn't hurt James like that. So I "satisfied" myself with snogs with random slags in broom closets. It never got the image of her face out of my mind.
James always thought he saw her first, but he's wrong. I didn't have the heart to tell him I saw her on the platform before we boarded the train first year. Even my mother admitted she was pretty, but as soon as she saw her parents, mother forbade me from having anything to do with that filthy mudblood. James claimed he was hers because he saw her first right after that incident on the train with Sniv-, I mean Snape. She always hated our nickname for him. Although it was his idea, James told her I came up with it, so he could try to get in her good graces. He even stole my nickname for her; Lily-flower, I always caller her in my mind. I made the mistake of calling her that while I was teasing her about James. He quickly picked up on it and used it after that. I like to think she remembers that I used it first.
As much as I envied him, I could never hate James. He was my brother, and his parents accepted me as such when I ran away from home. James was the best friend anyone could have. He was genuinely great person, and if I am being honest, he deserved her more than I did. I will always hate myself for the way I lusted after her, still do actually. Throughout school I never gave up hope that maybe she wouldn't notice how good of a guy James was. Being Head Boy really sealed the deal though. Of course I played the part of happy best friend. Quickly agreed to be best man at the wedding. Was thrilled to be godfather of the first child. When I held Harry for the first time in St. Mungo's he was sleeping. Of course he looked exactly like James; then he grabbed my finger and opened his eyes; HER eyes. My heart broke in half. Those eyes did not belong under that messy hair. As much as I hate to admit it, I almost hoped something would happen to James on the dangerous missions for the Order. I would severely deny it to myself when those little thoughts would sneak up on me. I was the godfather, the best friend, of course I would be there to comfort her if something happened to James. It was tempting to fantasize about, but it made me full of self-loathing every time.
Only Moony knew of my feelings for Lily. He understood. She was always so kind to him; she was friends with him before she would even acknowledge the existence of James and me. Sometimes I think Moony loved her too. Who wouldn't love my kind Lily-flower? But she's not mine, never was mine. She was always setting me up on blind dates. She always wanted me to settle down. But she could never see that I didn't want anyone but her.
That Halloween changed my life in more than one way. I was in denial. Not her, never her. I wasn't even able to see Harry before Hagrid took him to her family. I knew it was Peter. It should have been more telling when his animagus form was a rat. He wasn't in touch with us much after Hogwarts. James took it as a personal offence. But of course we trusted him to be Secret-Keeper. And it was MY idea. Oh Merlin, why couldn't I just trust Remus? If I had they would be alive! It was my fault. I didn't turn them over to Voldemort, but it's still my fault they are dead. These thoughts haunted me those long years in Azkaban. Harry assumed that my innocence is what kept me sane; he was wrong. The memories of her smile, her laugh, the sparkles in her eyes; that is what kept me from going mad. I wish I could take back every bad thought I had about James and every time I looked at her as more than a friend.
Seeing Harry again was like a kick in the stomach. He looked even more like James than I remembered. I wanted to be a good godfather to make up for being a horrible best friend. But the eyes, oh the eyes! It was like seeing her all over again.
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