A/N: First of all, I would like to thank my pre-reader for her excellent job on my story! She makes it all sparkly and pretty :-) So thank you, mommy2tw1ns!
Next, I will encourage you to listen to the song mentioned at the end of the chapter - just search youtube, it should be fairly easy to find. Or use this code in the adress bar: watch?v=xiLbZcsohCI.
The other song mentioned - try that too! It's funny and charming, and absolutely my 'good mood song'. watch?v=IHBe30LVdaA
Last, but certainly not least, I dedicate this chapter to my darling Bewiched - she is MY Girlie, and a strong inspiration for Angela in this story. I FLUV YOU, SWEETS!
SM owns, all hail the great SM. I just own my husband's ass (even if he would argue that one)
Chapter 5
In the following weeks, I fell into a routine. It of course takes a lot of energy to start up on my studies, but I soon get the hang of it and begin to form a structure for studying, preparing essays and written assignments. The professors have warned us that we have start forming groups for our semester projects as well. Edward and I agree that we will form a group together, but we have to find two more people as well, since it's required to form groups of four people.
I'm on my way to the cafeteria – it is lunch time and Edward and I are meeting up as usual. I have just left the library, and my thoughts turn towards the one thing – well two things actually, that occupies my mind all the time lately. My two boys.
Edward… Yes, Edward is taking up a lot of my time. And he occupies my mind as well. He is still as sweet and adorable as ever and I still get warm and fuzzy when I think about him. But I am conflicted. Yeah, you guessed it – I feel guilty because I still love Jasper with all my heart.
I feel like I'm betraying the both of them, even if it's silly. Jasper doesn't have those kinds of feelings for me – he only views me as a friend, plus he's more than 1000 miles away, and if I'm lucky I get to see him at Thanksgiving!
Edward though – Edward is every girl's dream come true. He is beautiful, intelligent, sweet and caring. He is funny, quirky, adorable and last but not least; he likes me the same way that I like him! He gives me every possibility to have a real relationship, but until now I've kept it casual. If I plan to move forward from our easy friendship and flirting, and occasional make-out sessions, I'll have to be honest with myself and let Jasper go.
I just can't bring myself to do that. Jasper is undoubtedly the love of my life. He haunts my dreams at night. I look at trees, and think about his forest green eyes; so warm and full of mischief. When the sun catches in a brass door handle, I think about his dark blond curly hair. When I hear a southern accent, I dream about his husky voice singing on the porch on warm summer nights, while playing his guitar and smoking a cigarette. Oh God, I miss him so much! I feel ripped away from my other half! It's like a permanent ache in the pit of my belly. I can literally hear him singing Sublime's "Boss DJ" just to annoy me. I see myself chasing him across the moonlit lawn with a water-gun in retaliation, laughing so hard that my sides hurt. I see us rolling around on the grass after he lets me catch him, chuckling and just being.
I feel like I am at an impasse. I want Jasper so much it hurts. I love him so much, need him, but I don't know how to handle those emotions, when the source for them is out of my reach. And owe it to Edward to give us a chance. I want to move forward, but I don't want to give up the dream of Jasper.
I decide to Skype with Angela tonight. She's my best female friend, loyal to a fault, and the only one who knows my secret love for Jasper. She always understands, but isn't afraid to give honest advice – even if it's harsh words to digest sometimes. She has never been insensitive though, no matter what kind of ripping she's dealt out. I miss her a lot, but she decided to move out of state – she even decided to go to a separate college than her boyfriend for 3 years, Ben, because she values both of their educations so much. And she has unwavering faith in their love being strong enough to overcome the distance.
Beck is not an opportunity for soul-searching. She is the best roomie one could wish for actually, but deep she is not. It's a lot of fun to live with her, and she's always up for hanging out or checking out a party and we get along great. Her friendship is simple and uncomplicated, but she is the type of friend that you have on your Facebook and meet up with at the twenty year anniversary to reminiscence old times with. Not the type of friend you will ask to be your maid of honor at your hypothetical wedding.
I shoot off a text to Angela, hoping to set up a 'Skype-date' tonight. Fortunately Beck is not coming home before 10 PM due to some group work.
Hey Girl, how are things in NYC? Do you have time to Skype tonite? Need to talk to you, BADLY. XOXO –B
Bellie-Bee! Miss ya so much, hun. Sure I do – what's up? Sounds serious. XOXO – A
It kind of is. Not life or death, but happiness might be on the line here. – B
Ooooh – tell me you met a guy, please? ;-) Gotta run, TTYL. – A
Something like that. Anyways, TTYL. – B
Right after my last message, I reach the cafeteria doors and Edward. He looks at me, a little concerned.
"Is there something wrong, Bella?" he asks, trying to read my eyes.
"No, why do you ask?" I don't want to reveal to him what my issues are. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves so much better than me – an indecisive, mousy, boring little mouse. He deserves a beautiful, strong and committed woman, who knows what she wants.
"You look like something bad happened – did I do something wrong?" The concern radiates from him, and his eyes are sad.
"No, Edward. You do everything right – you are such a sweetheart." I reply, giving him the best smile I can at the moment. "I just miss my friends from home – I just set up a Skype-date with Angela tonight. I really feel like talking to her."
"Oh, okay," the relief on his face is palpable now, "I am sorry to hear that you won't be able to hang out tonight though, but it's important to keep up your friendships." Swoon – could he be much more perfect? He is always so understanding and caring. I can't help but smile at him, for real this time. I reach up on my tip-toes and give him a soft kiss on the cheek.
-LFAFL-
After dinner – which I of course ate with Edward at a little café on campus – I settle down on my bed, and open up my Skype to chat with Angela. She responds to my ping a few seconds after with a cheery "Hey Bellie-Bee!"
"Hey Girlie! You look great! New York looks good on you!"
"Thanks sweets – so do you! Is that a glow, I detect? Did you meet a guy?"
"Actually, I did," I respond with a cheek-splitting smile on my face, "His name's Edward and he is GORGEOUS."
"Uh oooh. Girlie, what about Jasper – I know you love him like crazy… Are you gonna give up on that?" She asks with a concerned expression on her pretty face.
"I still love him like crazy. But Edward makes me feel special; like I am worthy. I could fall for this guy, Sweets… I dunno what to do…" I feel sad by the thought of giving up on any of them and it shows on my face.
"What's the deal with this Edward guy? Are you dating?"
"Not per se. He went to Forks with me to pick up my furniture, and we have a lot of our meals together, and we hang out all the time. But we aren't dating – it's all very casual. We've kissed some, but nothing more. But I want so much more, Ang. I want to date him and call him my boyfriend. I could actually have sex with this guy, Sweets! And you know I am saving the V-card for when Jasper falls madly in love with me…"
"Oh Girlie, sounds like you're in a pinch here. Does he know about Jasper?"
"Yeah, somewhat. He knows that Jazz is my best friend, but doesn't know about me being in love with him. But, Angie, he seems so into me! He looks at me like I'm the center of his world. He smiles at me and kisses me, and holds my hand all the time. He is a real gentleman and never goes too far. He always pulls back before things get out of control."
"You seem to really like this guy. And you and Jazz aren't together, so you have nothing to worry about. Why not go for it? See where it leads. It might be nothing at all, or it might be the greatest love of your life. But you'll never know, if you don't try."
"But I still love Jasper. Wouldn't it be unfair to Edward? I can't go around deceiving him, Ang. That's not the kind of person I am."
"I know that! And you're not deceiving him! You're giving him a chance to prove that he could be the one for you, Bella. If it doesn't work out – if you can't get over Jasper, or if you're simply not compatible in the long run, you can at least say that you've tried! Life is all about taking chances, Girlie. Don't let your dreams hold you back from living your life."
"Thanks, Sweets. I think this is just what I needed – an objective perspective. I'll give it some thought, and see where to go from here. I love you – you are too good to me."
"Love you too, Bellie. And no, I'm exactly right for you! When are you turning gay for me?" She says with a wink. Bless her, she always knows how to lighten up the mood, and she gives the greatest advice. We continue our Skype session; updating each other on college life in our respective parts of the country and just generally catching up. I give her Jasper's regards, as he asked. After about an hour we sign off and I get ready for bed.
After crawling under my dark blue comforter, I pick up my phone to check for messages. There's only two people I want to hear from right now, and I just hope one of them have sent me a text. Well, someone did – the little icon is blinking. Actually there are two texts waiting. One from each of my boys.
I miss you. :-( Always. - J.
Hi Sweetheart, hope you have a great night talking to your friend. I miss your company and hope to see you at breakfast tomorrow. Sleep tight! -E
I reply to Jasper's text with a: Miss you too. More than you know. –B
I am still feeling torn. Even if what Angela said made perfect sense, I still feel like I am deceiving them both – maybe it's myself I'm deceiving.
I reply to Edward as well, thanking him and returning the sentiment. I agree to meet him and wish him a good night too. He still stirs up butterflies in my belly every time I think of him. I really need to sort myself out soon and make a decision. It's not fair to either of us to keep us in this limbo.
With that thought I settle in my bed. But the last images in my head are of honey curls, deep forest green eyes and a lazy smile.
-LFAFL—
The next evening, I am at Edwards, just hanging out and listening to music. He is very much into classical, which is so not my style, but I give it a listen because I want to learn as much as I can about him. We are sitting close on the bed, with our backs against the wall and holding hands. It's all very chaste, which suits me fine right now. My head and my heart is still in an inner turmoil and I am as indecisive as ever.
"Bella?" He says, looking apprehensively at me.
"Mmmm."
"You know that you told me your best friend is a guy? Jasper or something like that?" This definitely brings me out of my stupor.
"Yeah?" I respond, my entire body tensed up. Does he suspect something?
"I haven't told you yet, but my best friend is also of the opposite sex. Her name is Tanya." Okay, where is he going with this?
"She's coming up for a visit this weekend, and I just wanted to let you know. She's a very sweet person, and very affectionate, so I don't want you to get the wrong impression, you know?" He seems a little troubled by the admission; like he's afraid that I would get jealous. I sense that there's more behind this story, but I don't feel like probing.
"I've had bad experiences with that in the past – my former girlfriend, Kate, she flipped out and accused me of cheating with Tanya. I just want to make sure that you understand that she and I are nothing beyond friends and never have been. I'm sure that you, being best friends with a guy, understand that it is indeed possible?"
Hmmm – did I now? I was the walking, talking example of the non-existence of platonic love between the sexes, but I couldn't tell Edward that. "Sure I do. Nothing to worry about Edward – I understand, and I'll get out of your hair this weekend, so you two can catch up."
"No, no – I want you to meet her! She's really sweet, and I'd like it if you could become friends. She means a lot to me, and so do you. I'd love the two most important women in my life to get along." Whoa, whoa – am I one of the most important women in his life? I feel a little trapped. I'm nowhere near that level of commitment. Could it be that we are not on the exact same page after all? Maybe not even the same chapter! Damn…
Not long after, I excuse myself stating that I'm beat. We kiss goodbye at his door, but somehow I don't get as much into it as usual. It feels like Edward is retreating a bit as well – maybe I'm reading too much into it, but again he seemed a little disappointed in my reaction during his revelation. Shit, I am really messing everything up.
When I come home, I open my laptop and check my email. Again, there is one from Jasper waiting for me. This time it comes with an attachment; a recording of himself playing and singing. And not just any song, but a song he KNOWS is one of my all-time favorites and he also knows it never fails to make me cry. The song is Jeff Buckley's version of "Hallelujah", but in Jasper's slightly rough, but still smooth, southern drawl.
I load it into my phone, setting it as his ringtone. When I settle under the covers, I wonder how it is that from halfway down the continent; he still knows exactly what I need. I wonder what that means, him sending me that song – especially considering the lyrics. I wonder how I'm going to get myself out of this mess without anyone getting hurt. And I cry silent tears of heartache and frustration, while I drift off to sleep.
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