When I wake up in the morning and see Nate in his bed, I start to feel uncomfortable even though he has no idea what's going on unless he can read my mind. It was a short moment that probably meant nothing but it's one of those things that will stay in my mind until I can fully understand exactly what happened.
It's not that I haven't gotten that feeling before, because I have. But I never knew what caused it and I've always been able to ignore it. This time I couldn't ignore it no matter what I did and I think it may have been Nate who brought it on. How could that happen?
Without thinking about it, I watch him sleep for a little bit. It's not like he's a beautiful sleeper or something, I just stare without noticing what I'm doing. But when I hear Jason's bed creak as he wakes up, I become conscious of it and stop myself. I'm not worried about Jason seeing me because he's too much of a space to notice. Yet I'm still embarrassed again.
As soon as I get dressed, I go down to mess hall. I tell the guys that I'm in a hurry and run out the door but the truth is I just wanted to get out of there. Tess always gets up early so I knew I could catch up with her, and I was really curious how things went in her cabin last night.
"It was fine, I guess," she answered, "I told Mitchie you and I are just friends but after that she ignored me for the rest of the night. I tried to be nice but it's hard to show any type of emotion to someone who refuses to talk to you."
"I wish I could still be friends with Mitchie," I said honestly. Never have I been content with my own feelings this summer. I date my best friend, loose my best friend, get a new best friend who doesn't get along with my old best friend, and now my other best friend-who just happens to be a guy-is giving me strange feelings that I don't understand. "Things would be a lot easier if we hadn't screwed things up by dating," I say, even though I know now that Mitchie isn't my only problem…
Tess puts a hand on my back, "You'll be friends again," she says, "Just maybe not today. Give it some time; it looks to me like she needs some time to get over you."
Part of me is dying to tell her about the Nate thing but the other part doesn't ever wants to say anything and just wait until I forget about it. After all, it was just one time. I try my hardest to convince myself that I'm just being over dramatic but then Tess says something.
"Are Nate and Jason coming?" The simplest of any questions completely throws me off balance. When she says his name, Nate pops into my head and I get that feeling again out of nowhere. Now it's obvious that he's the one sending the bizarre emotions but is it really going to happen every time I think about him?
"I don't know," I answer. "We usually rehearse a little before going to Mess Hall but I just didn't feel like it today."
My mind is screaming at me to shut up but I can't help myself, I just wanted someone to at least say something so it's not just me trying to come up with my own solutions. Besides, if one person could ever understand this; it would definitely be Tess. "So," I awkwardly hesitate to start, "I'm a little worried because I think I may like another one of my friends who happen to be at this camp."
She looks at me with a confused look on her face. She knows I'm not talking about her because, otherwise, I would have tried talking to somebody else. "Uh… Caitlyn?" She asks.
I shake my head. I'd like to give her a straight answer but I'm too nervous.
And I keep shaking my head as she asks about pretty much every girl we know, "Peggy? Dana? Ella? Lola?"
"That's the thing," I explain, "I'm not sure if I actually like this person." It was a lie. But who cares if I'm untruthful to Tess? I keep telling myself the same exact lie. I'm just attempting avoid actually admitting that the person I'm trying to talk about isn't a girl.
"Shane, just spit it out. I'm getting totally confused."
Now I'm just as irritated with myself as Tess is. "It's a guy!" Thankfully, nobody heard me even though I feel like I'm screaming my words. "The last two-maybe three-times I've been around my band mate, Nate Black, I get this strange stomach ache that I can't get rid of and now it's coming back at the mere mention of his name. And, last night, I think I realized… I may have a crush on my best friend."
She looks at me for a moment. "Oh," she says, trying to stay cool about it, "I didn't know you were-"
"Don't say it." I interrupt.
Her ill at ease expression breaks into a smile. "You don't like labels?" She nudges my side lightly with her elbow and giggles at my cliché principles.
"At least not for now," I tell her as I shoot back a tension breaking grin, "Nobody can find out about this, certainly not Nate. I don't need everybody on campgrounds talking about this… and I really don't want all the magazines to be headlining my sexuality in their next pop star gossip issue."
She turns towards me and sends me a sympathetic look. "I understand," she says, "But are you sure you don't want to tell Nate? Just so he'll know."
I don't need him quitting the band because he's too uncomfortable around me. He's definitely straight and I don't need a repeat of what I just went through with Mitchie. "He doesn't need to know," I shrug, "Nate likes girls, and that's that."
"You never know, people can surprise you," she squeezes my arm, implying that I'm one of those people-who-surprised-her. She makes a good point; I even surprised myself. But as much as I think about it, reality always reminds me that, in life, nothing ever works out the way Shane Daniel Gray would ever want it to.
Later on, Tess and I are rehearsing together but we're really just wasting our time talking; more than usual too now that Tess knows my secret.
"I think he was being really nice to you," she says, speaking of Nate earlier at breakfast.
"He always acts like that," I tell her, "You're just noticing it now because you know I like him." My voice is a little softer when I speak because I'm so concerned of anybody over hearing me. "He was being nice you too. And so was Jason… Does everybody like everybody now?"
Tess lets out a snigger before her face gets slightly more serious. "Look Shane, I don't know what he feels like but I just think you'd feel better if you let him know about your secret. And we both know Nate, and I think that he'd understand no matter what he feels like."
Nate and Jason arrive as our conversation about them ends. Tess gives me a look and I know precisely what she means by it.
"Hey, did you guys see those posters hanging out there? There's some famous pop band going to this camp!" Jason says, oblivious to the fact that he's in a famous pop band that's going to this camp.
"Really?" Tess gets up and locks arms with him. "Why don't you show me," she plays along with Jason's stupidity. I recognize exactly what she's doing but before I can say anything to make them stay, they're both gone in a flash and I'm left alone with Nate.